To ask about reality of your relationship?

[KM99]

OH and I been together 12 years, married 8. Have one DS aged 4.

We rub along ok, he's a great Dad and in many ways a good partner in parenting, owning a house etc. He's so hands on, does more than his share of all the housework. But when I think of spending the rest of my life with him I feel flat about it.

We bicker a bit, both want control and we are quite different in our personalities. He is introverted, sensitive but sometimes his communication skills can be very abrupt. I'm outgoing, extrovert and can be quite domineering in conversations. We had therapy in the past, we've tried to work on our issues with a little success. We just seem to have the same regular arguments about how we communicate and we try to control. None of this is earth shattering or major. But it wears me down. And after each one I just feel like calling time on things.

I don't know what I'm trying to ask here. Part of me feels I should spend more time appreciating all the positives we do have and yet a part of me thinks am I just settling?

I'm not some dewy eyed teenager who thinks love is all romance, flowers and swinging off the chandelier. But I can't help wondering if there is more to life? Or maybe I need to start finding hobbies and interests that fulfil this "gap" I feel?

Am I just a typical 40+ year old having a midlife crisis? Can anyone relate?

Fully prepared for people to tell me to get a grip. I'm a big girl and can take it 😁

There's a line from a song (can't remember the title) that's something like: "Everything's better when you're around" - that's what it should be like.

@KM99 We are focused on getting the day to day running of life right and lost sight of each other.

I agree with this, but there are also other issues. My DH finds socialising hard so we rarely do this. He loves the kids, but can be quite critical of them. Whenever I try to talk to him about our sex life, he doesn't want to know (he wants sex and I don't always, birth control being a huge issue). He sits in one room watching TV and the kids and I are in another room (he hates kids TV and tells the kids it's crap). I organise anything/everything to do with the kids (school stuff, days out, DR appts etc) and if I ask him to do something I get a feeling of resentment from him.

BUT he works hard (sometimes probably too focused on his job - it comes first always as it pays the bills whereas my min wage job isn't as important). He says he feels the pressure on his shoulders to be the main breadwinner, and he feels trapped in his job because it pays very well. He wants to retire ASAP (he's 40) but can't afford to for quite some time. I love my min wage job but can only do it because he is the breadwinner - I certainly could not maintain our home on it.

I'm not sure how much of a friendship we sometimes have, so when he does retire, I'm not sure whether we'll stay together. He talks about moving abroad, but I'll want to stay close to my family incl our kids.

If the above sounds a rambling mess, then I guess that's where we are at!

41 years and counting. He's still my best mate . We both have the same sense of humour and share two lovely cats. Pets make it less one-on-one all the time. He also does most of the house work (he's retired) and we have separate studies.

I have several close friends to share stuff he's not so interested in. as does he. But that gives us stuff to talk about. The main thing is that we're still very interested in listening to each other.

Been together getting on for ten years, one baby. We met when we were in our early thirties and I think we each had a fairly good idea of who we were and what we wanted. Still in love, still fancy each other. Knackered a lot of the time and snipe at each other occasionally but that's early parenthood for you - all of our friends were the same. He's my best friend and my most favourite person to talk to and I think he feels the same way about me.

@GoatwithaCoat has it dead on.

People settle because they are afraid to be alone- which is why so many couples are unhappy. There is no point settling- it’s lonlier to be with the wrong person than be alone.

I used to question myself every day with my ex. He was nice, we got on, but I was bored. But we didn’t argue, so I would look at all the bad relationships around me and wonder- maybe ours is good? Maybe this is as good as it gets?

I then had a conversation with a friend in which I said ‘I would rather be 50 and never married than 50 and still stuck with him.’ Moments earlier she had been ranting about her boyfriend- she immediately caved and said ‘oh, no I would would rather be married to him at 50 than single.’ This despite him making her miserable! Bizarre!

I broke up with him, and within months met my now fiancé. He is my best friend in the world. We are crazy in love, stay up in the small hours talking, have great sex- I often pinch myself I am so happy. He feels like a part of me, like I have grown my roots around him, and if he was gone I would wither and die. I thank the lord every day that I was lucky enough to find him- and that I was right when I thought there must be something more.

It exists. It’s worth every second of the wait.

OP you have a little child. Your day to day life takes a lot more running than it will in 10 years' time. Even 2 years will make an enormous difference. Concentrate on the here and now; worrying about whether you will want to be together in the future is a wasted worry.

Ah OP, you are describing a worse version of my relationship. DP is preparing to move out as we speak - he's had enough. It's breaking my heart. Maybe both try a bit harder to get your relationship back on track if you still love each other.

Maybe I am projecting. Sorry :(

No, not all relationships are like that. I've been married for seven years and we have two preschoolers and I would say we are madly and passionately in love and fancy each other a lot. He's the best person I know and I couldn't imagine being without him.

All relationships have ups and downs though - have you thought about doing something like The Marriage Course (run by churches but not religious in content) to try to reconnect with each other?

I've been with DH 15 years and no all relationships don't go that way, I'm still as sure that I want to be married to him as the day I said yes to him. I wouldn't settle for what you described tbh

Forgot to talk about my relationship: he's my second husband. He's funny and kind and nice. He's grumpy and sometimes intractable and unreasonable. I'm perpetually exhausted, unfit and overcommitted to 101 things. I am the main earner and have the better/more stressful job, but he gets more physically tired. He lives for the moment. I am an anxious planner but not a completer-finisher. A lot of the time he must feel like he's clearing up after my schemes. I try and do all the 'Mum load' for the household; he's great at helping out but has to be asked. I find that frustrating. Our relationship is (very) far from perfect, but we are both flawed people so I think it was inevitable. He is a stable anchor while I flail from one project/commitment to the next. His arms are just the right length for hugs and my head fits exactly into the crook of his shoulder when I cry. We have a very similar sense of humour. When I am exhausted he feeds me poached eggs on toast without me having to ask. Could I go on without him? Of course! Do I ever want to? Absolutely not.

If you want to feel more connected then do things that make you more connected.
It’s hard when you have a young child/ren but grab moments throughout the day.
Dh and I always have a coffee together in the morning, usually outside in the garden if the weather is nice.
We sometimes play music in the background when we're both at home but busy with day to day stuff, that we remember from our youth and will make comments and have a laugh about it. Especially more so as the dcs roll their eyes at the old songs.
It’s even better when we just select a playlist from YouTube or Alexa and we don’t know what’s coming up next.
We ll watch a film together in the evenings one day during the weekend.
It’s little things like that which make a big difference. Find stuff that will work for you.

When I am exhausted he feeds me poached eggs on toast without me having to ask.

This is it really!

I have been with my OH for 16 years and we got together when I was 24 and he 40. Nobody thought it would last. But he saved me from myself and I love him so much at times it takes my breath away. I have a mood disorder and we have worked out it is better for him to work full time to give us time apart ( he was a carer for me for a few years when I had a breakdown and it almost destroyed us being together 24/7) . He has his own flat with a lodger so when I am being a cah he can go and sleep in his bedroom and not have to tolerate me. Our 4 kids are now growing up and becoming independent. Only two of them regularly come away on holiday with us now and that will drop to one until she is old enough to stay with her siblings.

And we can't wait to have " our" time. We want a little place abroad, maybe greece or portugal, as well as his flat which is our retirement place as its already adapted etc. I would like to spend some time using my qualifications and live in Asia for an academic year and teach English. He wants a little canal boat. We often sit and spend the evening just planning out places we would like to see, like sailing to Ostend with the car and driving through Europe for a few months. I love him. he knows me better than I know myself and the idea that he is 16 years older than me and may well die before I do is awful :(

If someone says they are ' still madly in love' or ' still fancy the pants off ' their partner after more than , say, 2 years then I simply don't believe them.

Two years? two years is still basically the honey moon period. It is sad that you have to convince yourself others are lying.

So sorry NewYearNewMe18

JustTheLemons

That’s beautiful

My relationship became a hundred times better when l dealt with my own stuff. Childhood stuff. Not major things but it had taken hold deep inside. I thought everything was dhs fault!
As l dealt with it l had far less reaction and we have great peace now. I think both can have trigger points and all you can do is deal with your own. See how things are then.

Two years? two years is still basically the honey moon period. It is sad that you have to convince yourself others are lying

Totally agree.

Tomorrow is my 30th wedding anniversary and I have spent half my life with my DH (and almost all my adult life). We have had some incredibly difficult & challenging times but I have never once woken up and wished I was not married to him.

I think learning to appreciate the positives is very important and not the same as "settling"

My experience is that as you get older new perspectives gradually arrive and all sorts of things are understood differently, on both sides so the relationship constantly evolves

YANBU to have a critical look at things, certainly. It just sounds like neither is really committed to changing -- which means in a way, the status quo works. And that's a pretty solid place to be working from, particularly since you mention there's a therapist involved. It's just only going to change if both of you commit to enacting that change instead of talking about it.

I've been with DH 13 years and it's nothing like what you describe -- still genuine excitement and passion there, even with the added elements of just rubbing along after so long!

I agree with TIMEFORANEW in some ways. My ex did not fulfil my need for companionship. When he was home he hardly made conversation and I was unhappy for many years, it made me feel so low , I look back now and see how it affected my health also. What I did realise was that I looked to friends for the companionship I craved. I used to over analyse it and think to myself if he wanted to move away or live on a desert island with me I could not tolerate being with just him as he was not enough. It makes me sad to remember I felt like that. Infact I decided I did not even like him as a person. Perhaps ask yourself that?

You get what you put into your marriage. Good luck.

When I am exhausted he feeds me poached eggs on toast without me having to ask.

This made me smile... it's scrambled eggs in my house. I guess he's not the worst

Two years? two years is still basically the honey moon period. It is sad that you have to convince yourself others are lying.

This. ^

15 years later I still fancy my DH..........sorry I guess?

When I am exhausted he feeds me poached eggs on toast without me having to ask.

This is real love

I'm only five years in but I still fall asleep every night marvelling at the fact that I get to be married to DH. He's my world. Without a doubt our relationship has suffered a bit from having DD (6 months) but we've talked about it and we know we'll get back there, and in the meantime we're just snatching time to be intimate (in whatever way we need at the time) when we can. And he's my teammate. We just work so well together. I couldn't be without him.

And I still fancy the pants off him - haven't been attracted to anyone else since I met him and still have sexy dreams about him on a regular basis!

I settled in my previous relationship and so did he. We won't make that mistake again.

When I think about a future with him I'm excited for the day that we can go on adventures just the two of us again!