To ask about reality of your relationship?

[KM99]

OH and I been together 12 years, married 8. Have one DS aged 4.

We rub along ok, he's a great Dad and in many ways a good partner in parenting, owning a house etc. He's so hands on, does more than his share of all the housework. But when I think of spending the rest of my life with him I feel flat about it.

We bicker a bit, both want control and we are quite different in our personalities. He is introverted, sensitive but sometimes his communication skills can be very abrupt. I'm outgoing, extrovert and can be quite domineering in conversations. We had therapy in the past, we've tried to work on our issues with a little success. We just seem to have the same regular arguments about how we communicate and we try to control. None of this is earth shattering or major. But it wears me down. And after each one I just feel like calling time on things.

I don't know what I'm trying to ask here. Part of me feels I should spend more time appreciating all the positives we do have and yet a part of me thinks am I just settling?

I'm not some dewy eyed teenager who thinks love is all romance, flowers and swinging off the chandelier. But I can't help wondering if there is more to life? Or maybe I need to start finding hobbies and interests that fulfil this "gap" I feel?

Am I just a typical 40+ year old having a midlife crisis? Can anyone relate?

Fully prepared for people to tell me to get a grip. I'm a big girl and can take it 😁

@singlenotsingle yes, that's my point - we do things separately as well as together and if we were to split and I met someone else I would likely be trading one set of flaws for another, as no-one is perfect.

The control struggle is ongoing and I'm working on it!

I have exactly the same scenario going on OP. There are days it makes me very sad. I love my husband very much and I am therefore compelled to stay. We are totally incompatible on many levels: but the love I have for him means I'd never leave. So all those foibles, disagreements and failings I have agreed to tolerate. I guess that is what makes me sad. And I wonder still, if I'd been stronger, less accepting going in to the relationship, if there was someone out there for me who is the better fit, the perfect match to my nature.. it's the wondering I suppose.

I can be controlling about things that effect me. I suppose I don't like having to discuss everything first - I like to get on. The only advice I can give is to allow your partner to manage his own life. By the same token, demand the same from him.

I’ve been with my husband for 21 years since I was 20 and he 21. I was his first proper girlfriend. We’ve been married for 13 years and have two sons, 8 and 3.
We’ve been through rough patches where we’ve argued a lot. This year has been hard as his lovely mum died of cancer. DH isn’t great at talking about his feelings.
We bicker and sometimes I can’t stand him. Recently we’ve started hiring a babysitter and going out on dates. We have a great time when we’re out together. Sometimes I get very frustrated at his lack of ambition, his lack of conversation and his tendency to hoard clutter. Sometimes I wonder what he sees in me - he’s patient, generous with his time, a great dad. I love him, I want to grow old with him. Sometimes I want to try someone else, but i can’t think of anyone who would be better.
We have regular sex, good satisfying sex, but we’re not swinging from the chandeliers. I want more romance, but my DH is not romantic at all (his idea of romantic is checking the pressure of the tyres before I go on a long journey).
There, I’ve been very honest. It’s very muddled isn’t it? Not perfect. I have a normal relationship , I think.
I echo what other pps have said. I don’t look for everything from him. I have other friends, lots of interests of my own.

OP do you go out just the two of you? Our regular, fortnightly date nights are saving our marriage I reckon.

In some ways op you just sound a bit bored.
11years together and 2dc, I love my dh, I can't picture a future without him. Occasionally I do think did we both settle, and we are just muddling along. We work weird hours and can go for weeks on end without spending any time alone just the two of us, when we do get a bit of family time it gets stressful because mostly we're parenting separately with different ways of doing things.
Sex has always been our anchor(some people have date nights,mini breaks etc, not possible for us), and always brings us closer together again, a couple of years ago we started experimenting more, shaking things up and we've gone from strength to strength. I definitely still fancy him! As a pp said she has a coffee with her DH, that's their time. For me it's finding those moments to connect as people, as a couple not parents/breadwinner/house runner etc.

No, my relationship is not like that at all. It is not always romantic after twenty years but it is enormously strong, happy and positive.

It gets better and better for us. Sure, there are big differences between us and I'm still struggling to accept the things about him that I can't change but, he's a wonderful husband and father and my absolute favorite companion. We laugh a lot, spend the vast majority of our free time together, like the same things and share similar values. Our DC are independent now so money is a bit easier and there are less time constraints on us. Our physical relationship has reached new dizzying heights and we've ended up succumbing to our desires when out walking this summer! He makes me fustrated and cross regularly but over minor things. I'm honestly happier now than I've ever been and he says he is too.

I feel like this but I’m too embarrassed to admit it. Together 10 years, two dc but both have Sen so it has been a very hard few years and I’ve taken the brunt of it. We’re a team I suppose but got together quite young. I’m not sure whether the day to day has just overtaken too much of our lives or that we’re different. It worries me a lot but I don’t want to split my kids up from their dad especially when we’re rubbing along okay. Maybe everyone doesn’t have a grand passion.

I get what you mean.

Only been with my partner a few years but I already feel like this and dunno what to do as we used to get on much better. It felt like after a few months of dating properly he no longer felt he had to behave properly and so doesn't bother anymore.

We had a night out last night and he pretty much ruined it all night by pissing me off. Repeatedly asking me if I needed the toilet (I'm not a child can decide for myself when I need to go thanks), or wanted binoculars to see the act (no matter how many times I said no he kept asking, it was a fucking comedy act, I only need to hear it). Then outside he lit a cigarette and flicked it onto me, accidently I think but it's happened before. He said sorry straight away then had a go at me for 'over reacting'. Think you would too if someone dropped bits of cigarette that was on fire on you. Spent the whole trip back today not speaking (4 hours) and still not speaking, but he thinks he's made it up to me by buying me a hat. Like always.

Dunno maybe I'm just in a shit relationship. I think I'm just not good at commitment either, I don't cheat, but I don't stay with people long term, I eventually leave. Think I'm just trying to find excuses to leave sometimes. Everyone else thinks he's great, and he does of course. Constantly says in a jokey way how amazing he is and how lucky I am. The 'compliments' he gives me? Mainly that I'm crazy, over react and/or am too stressy. Never been told anything nice other than when I tell him to for once say something nice about me, but he won't for ages.

We did used to get on better, honestly. I have asked him repeatedly why he behaves this way to me and treats me like this and all I get is 'dunno'.

11 years together, he is my safe place, my home. I could not have picked a better father to our child. We have been through a lot together, we are different in how we respond to things but he has my back and I have his. I love him completely and its his opinions I seek when the going gets tough.

Plus he makes me laugh, 2 years ago it looked like our time together had run out, he was at my bedside in hospital holding my hand and still making me laugh.

We have the same goals for our family unit, we don't bicker about money, we don't sweat the small stuff. We both had baggage from our past that we sorted out and didn't bring into our relationship.

KM99 you have a young child, the early years are so tiring, even a year from now things will be easier. Be kind to yourself, don't judge yourself too harshly but do consider if there are things from your past impacting your life future.

Together 13 years (next month) and married 8.

We did split up for a year or so, mostly because of a loss of sexual energy that totally fucked my head up. We also lost a baby girl and the whole thing was just awful.

Anyway, the realities of our relationship

We always Argue about his mother so we never mention her.

We find things much easier when we have enough money.

We have sex twice a week but at LEAST once a week, or I start to feel crappy.

We say I love you every day, we make time for each other every day.

But he is grumpy, sometimes he makes me feel low.

He cooks me dinner every day and does around 60% of the childcare when he’s home.

I do love him and I enjoy spending time with him more than anyone else. I couldn’t imagine anyone making me feel the way that he does.

When I am sick, I just want to be with him. I think that was when I first realised I loved him, when I wanted him to take care of me through a cold, not my mum.

He is my everything. Best friend, lover and partner. Everyone deserves that

Two years? two years is still basically the honey moon period. It is sad that you have to convince yourself others are lying

Exactly this!
DH and I have been married for 6 years, together 9. We’ve had some really really tough times, some major tragedies. We have 2 pre school DC and a third on the way. We are often exhausted. I am still madly in love with him and still fancy the pants off him (and hope he feels the same!). Of course we’ve had our ups and downs, of course it hasn’t all been plain sailing but I 100% know I’ve chosen the right person the spend my life with. We laugh together, we do our best to look after each other. At the end of a long day we sit down together and we’re happy.

Personally I think it is quite natural. As you say, it isn't all kittens and rainbows. If someone says they are ' still madly in love' or ' still fancy the pants off ' their partner after more than , say, 2 years then I simply don't believe them

That's incredibly sad if that's the way you think tbh.

I also believe a large number of relationships are practically sexless. A hell of a lot more than will be admitted to anyway

Speak for yourself! If you are in a relationship that's makes you think the above then maybe it's time to end it before bitterness sets in.

9 years here and he still gives me butterflies. I'm very big on our bond and if things get a bit grumpy and life gets in the way we set aside some time just for the purpose of bonding. It's important to nurture a relationship, not get complacent and take it for granted.

I think a lot of it does boil down to me working on myself. I'm not the easiest person to live with and yet my OH gives me constant support

This resonated with me. I’m 25 years in and we’ve both admitted to hating each other when the children were little. A LTR is a journey. I’m not telling you not to give it up, but now that history (we met at ages 19 and 20), that shared sense of humour is gold.
I have not been an easy wife and DH has his faults, but he’s a keeper. If you still laugh together at the same things, still want the same things, slow down and get a babysitter.
You can PM me if you want to chat more, but I shudder to think how close I was to ruining it all for those type of feelings that you are having.

Been married 12 years. 3 kids and being totally honest I'm bored!
Not proud but recently got into an Emotional affair. It could have easily have gone further but i stopped because the guilt would be far to much. I know I've still done an awful thing.
Dh doesn't have a job, he hardly spends time with me, never talks, sex happens maybe once or twice a month. He's currently snoring on our bed. Done fuck all all day. Just having someone to talk to and take interest for once made me feel alive.

I'm so touched by all your responses. I've thought a lot about this today and we talked a little.

There are a lot of positives in our relationship. He does so many little things for me like knowing to buy me chocolate right before my period, asking me everyday if I need things in town (I WFH), calling me funny nicknames, always doing the stuff I'm shit at (packing), doing tons of research for our holidays even planning our itinerary. The list is endless. You know what he does more for me than I do for him and that's shitty of me.

When I posted this morning we'd just had an argument so my feelings were raw. But I know there is a lot worth fighting for in our relationship. I need to appreciate myself and him a lot more. And I have to let him in more. While we do have good sex (although not that frequently) I have stopped being as affectionate with him.

Thank your MNs, you are giving me the shake I need. I'm a bit bored, I'm probably in a slight depression cycle and I'm (as many of you said) dealing with a young one. But none of this is insurmountable.

I love him and as I write this I realise with 100% certainty I'd regret throwing it away.

So I'm starting small. More kind words, more affection and just more attention towards him.

Good luck op.

I am very in love with my DH and he is with me. We have three children and it is harder once they come along but we have stayed a team.
Our relationship has never been a dramatic one as we have both had that before. We bicker sometimes but never storming out or saying anything too hurtful. I agree with a PP, it is so important to be your own people independently and not be reliant on the other. We both have our own successful careers, our own friends as well as mutual ones and interests outside of our relationship. I think when you are fulfilled on your own it allows you to enjoy the other person for what they are and what drew you to them in the first place. There isn’t the same likelihood that resentment or jealousy will take over. Good luck OP. We only get one life... it would be a shame to spend it being anything but happy

Glad to hear you are committed to working on your relationship. I am trapped in a bad relationship and in comparison, yours sounds like it has a lot going for it so it does sound like it is worth saving. I have tried everything to save my relationship but it has always just been wrong from the beginning and I am tired of trying now. So I have given up (as the effort has always been one sided anyway) and now we live in a really unhappy situation where we don’t speak unless it is something to do with our child. I have had no kindness or affection from him for several years now and it is very lonely and frustrating. Luckily our daughter is amazing and loving and kind and fills those missing gaps for both of us. But it is far from ideal. Our problem is that our relationship was only built on physical attraction and we have never been ‘friends’. I can still see that he is good looking but we are completely incompatible sadly. That doesn’t sound like your relationship though. Best of luck with enhancing your connection... I really hope it works out for you both.