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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Make A Romantic Gesture?

59 replies

DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 15:42

So a relatively longish story made very short.

Met a really nice lady on-line around February time, we really hit it off. It was my first relationship since my divorce and there was about 30 miles in distance between us. It was lovely to begin with but as I found the late night 2 hour phone calls and early morning “hello” phone calls a bit much things started to get a little strained, although I did really, really like her. We were very attracted to each other and quite compatible but I’d always get annoyed that she wouldn’t let me sleep or if she did, she’d wake me up early. I Co-Parent and really appreciate my sleep when I can get it. We went away for a weekend together and ended up falling out. It was probably my fault we fell out and receiving a face time call in the Restaurant from my DS didn’t really help matters. We decided to go our separate ways. No real harm done.

About a month later I get a message out of the blue and lo and behold we started seeing each other again, we even met each other’s kids (although, under the pretence we were just work friends) Things then got a bit heavy, she’d say things like “you know I’m going to marry you, don’t you” and that she loved me. Well, as soon as I realised it was getting serious I did what every immature & cowardly bloke does…I self-sabotaged the relationship and made issues when there wasn’t any and just basically buggered the whole thing up deluded in the self-knowledge that I’d prefer to be single again.

About a month later I contacted her to say I was sorry. She gave me a deserved mouthful and told me quite rightly to sling my hook.

Last week I messaged her to tell her I was sorry and wanted to speak face to face to explain myself.

She told me was seeing someone else and not to bother her again. I promised I wouldn’t. I may be an immature coward but I have some dignity and respect.

On Monday she messaged me telling me she was willing to hear what I had to say. So I told her. She still wasn’t interested. I told her I was glad she was happy.

So, I’m finally getting to the point here. Quite by random I was in a record shop yesterday and there was a CD single in there of a song that has a special meaning between us. I’ve brought it. I honestly wasn’t looking for it, it was just there in front of me (the same song played on the bloody radio on the way hone) I miss her so much it hurts, I know that’s a cliché, but it’s true. I’m in love with her.

Would it be wrong to send her the CD next month for her birthday or would I again be guilty of wankerish behaviour?

At the time of writing I think I’m going to send it.

OP posts:
DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 15:44

Flipping heck, sorry, didn't realise it was that long.

OP posts:
garbagegirl · 09/08/2018 15:45

You went away for your first weekend and fell out? Walk away

Trinity66 · 09/08/2018 15:46

Would it be wrong to send her the CD next month for her birthday or would I again be guilty of wankerish behaviour?

Yes, she's seeing someone else, leave her be, don't be an asshole

Ullupullu · 09/08/2018 15:47

Don't send it. It is not romantic - she has told you she isn't interested and has moved on. Do the same and stop being a creep.

Bellyscreen · 09/08/2018 15:48

She’s asked you to leave her alone! And it sounds like it wasn’t working anyway.

DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 15:48

You went away for your first weekend and fell out? Walk away

It wasn't a massive falling out, I was just a bit of dick.

OP posts:
DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 15:49

Do the same and stop being a creep

I'm not being a creep in any way shape or form.

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Cismyass · 09/08/2018 15:50

Too little too late. She's had enough of your strops and drama. Leave her be.

Ullupullu · 09/08/2018 15:50

You will be being a creep if you send her the CD. HTH

DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 15:51

You will be being a creep if you send her the CD

Which is why I'm here. HTH.

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Seeingadistance · 09/08/2018 15:53

It wasn't working out. You got back together. It still wasn't working out.
It ended. You've been pestering her. She's told you she'd not interested.

She's not interested.

Move on and don't contact her again.

PalePinkSwan · 09/08/2018 15:55

When a woman says she’s not interested, it means you should stop bothering her.

She has moved on.

It would be weird, creepy and intrusive to send her the gift. I’d go so far as to say she may find it frightening - women have very real grounds to fear men who get obsessive or can’t let go.

Please don’t.

Bestseller · 09/08/2018 15:55

She sounds a nightmare, just as much as you do. I think you're both better off out of it. No don't send the CD

DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 15:57

It would be weird, creepy and intrusive to send her the gift

Thanks, that's really hit home. That's not me, I won't send it. I'll just pop it into the recycling when I get home tonight.

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DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 15:57

She sounds a nightmare

Ha ha, that's what her friends call her.

I won't send it.

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DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 15:59

It would be weird, creepy and intrusive to send her the gift. I’d go so far as to say she may find it frightening

So it was OK for her me to message me out of the blue but not for me to do the same to her?

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Bestseller · 09/08/2018 16:13

No, I don't think it was OK for her to message you out of the blue, especially if she wasn't interested. That's why I called her a nightmare.

DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 16:16

I foolishly thought it would be a gesture.

It's been a long, long time since I've felt like this. It's really rather horrible.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/08/2018 16:25

It's not a gesture. You've tried a few times now, it doesn't work.

Let the heartache pass and be careful not to sabotage things in the future. That'll be the best outcome for you from this.

Butcowsdontgetmarried · 09/08/2018 16:27

It was ok for her to message you out of the blue, and not ok for you to now send a CD out of the blue, because the timing and circumstances are totally different. The main difference being that she’s now seeing someone, heard you’re side and has told you to leave her alone.
When she contacted you out of the blue none of that was the case was it? Is being “right” more important to you than being reasonable?

KC225 · 09/08/2018 16:30

Are you both addicted to the drama? Because once you are together it doesn't work out. Chalk this one up, but learn from it.

DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 16:30

It's not a gesture

I think I'm the victim of a stupid coincidence, if it wasn't for finding the bloody stupid CD I wouldn't be here asking a silly question and I wouldn't have any renewed false hope and I wouldn't be flipping well welling up.

Bugger.

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PlainVanilla · 09/08/2018 16:31

DrNu when you meet the right person, you won't need to behave like an idiot. Good you recognised, but this person is not the right one for you.
Leave her be and move on.
Good luck!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2018 16:33

You're not in love with her.

You dicked around, got scared when she started talking about commitment and then 'self sabotaged' as you put it.

Now you know she's seeing someone else, she's suddenly 'the one that got away'. Finding that song was purely coincidental.

Leave her in peace and try and treat the next lady in your life with a bit of dignity.

DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 16:34

Are you both addicted to the drama

No, I just don't think we were ready for the feelings that came with it. She'd been single for a touch longer than me. I found it hard being single for so long, being a co parenting dad and all that entails to suddenly "I'm going to marry you"

I'm so bloody annoyed for not talking to her.

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