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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Make A Romantic Gesture?

59 replies

DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 15:42

So a relatively longish story made very short.

Met a really nice lady on-line around February time, we really hit it off. It was my first relationship since my divorce and there was about 30 miles in distance between us. It was lovely to begin with but as I found the late night 2 hour phone calls and early morning “hello” phone calls a bit much things started to get a little strained, although I did really, really like her. We were very attracted to each other and quite compatible but I’d always get annoyed that she wouldn’t let me sleep or if she did, she’d wake me up early. I Co-Parent and really appreciate my sleep when I can get it. We went away for a weekend together and ended up falling out. It was probably my fault we fell out and receiving a face time call in the Restaurant from my DS didn’t really help matters. We decided to go our separate ways. No real harm done.

About a month later I get a message out of the blue and lo and behold we started seeing each other again, we even met each other’s kids (although, under the pretence we were just work friends) Things then got a bit heavy, she’d say things like “you know I’m going to marry you, don’t you” and that she loved me. Well, as soon as I realised it was getting serious I did what every immature & cowardly bloke does…I self-sabotaged the relationship and made issues when there wasn’t any and just basically buggered the whole thing up deluded in the self-knowledge that I’d prefer to be single again.

About a month later I contacted her to say I was sorry. She gave me a deserved mouthful and told me quite rightly to sling my hook.

Last week I messaged her to tell her I was sorry and wanted to speak face to face to explain myself.

She told me was seeing someone else and not to bother her again. I promised I wouldn’t. I may be an immature coward but I have some dignity and respect.

On Monday she messaged me telling me she was willing to hear what I had to say. So I told her. She still wasn’t interested. I told her I was glad she was happy.

So, I’m finally getting to the point here. Quite by random I was in a record shop yesterday and there was a CD single in there of a song that has a special meaning between us. I’ve brought it. I honestly wasn’t looking for it, it was just there in front of me (the same song played on the bloody radio on the way hone) I miss her so much it hurts, I know that’s a cliché, but it’s true. I’m in love with her.

Would it be wrong to send her the CD next month for her birthday or would I again be guilty of wankerish behaviour?

At the time of writing I think I’m going to send it.

OP posts:

Original poster

DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 16:36

Now you know she's seeing someone else, she's suddenly 'the one that got away'. Finding that song was purely coincidental

I disagree about her being "the one that go away" I've always had these feelings for her, I just had the inability to deal with them or express them.

OP posts:

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/08/2018 16:36

No, leave it well alone. You had several chances and she’s moved on.

Hellywelly10 · 09/08/2018 16:37

This sounds like hard work. Figure out what went wrong and what you learned about yourself from the experence. The hurt will pass it always does.

Original poster

DrNuShooz · 09/08/2018 16:39

Figure out what went wrong and what you learned about yourself from the experence

I'm an emotional cripple. Not sure how to solve that at the moment.

OP posts:

KC225 · 09/08/2018 17:03

Owning up to 'you've always had these feelings for her and you should have talked to her' is reflecting and learning from what went wrong.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Plenty would have hesitated with 'I'm going to marry you' on the third date. Concentrate on the kids, hang out with your mates. No rush.

Mousefunky · 09/08/2018 17:09

You acted like a teenager and she eventually wised up to it and moved on. Now you need to move on and grow up along the way. Don’t send it, it’s creepy and stalkerish.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 09/08/2018 17:09

If you send it your are being selfish, inserting yourself into her special day with her new fella/DCs when she’s made it clear she isn’t interested any more.

I can appreciate the not wanting to be woken early thing, but surely a quick chat about expectations rather than sabotaging the whole relationship would have been useful?

Just learn from this and find someone who doesn’t make you run a mile when they say they love you.

PalePinkSwan · 09/08/2018 17:44

Just to say I’m glad you’ve taken on board the comments here and won’t be sending it.

Best thing you can do is learn from this and move on.

Original poster

DrNuShooz · 10/08/2018 09:24

Morning,

The CD is in the bin.

I take on bored most of the comments. As for "growing up" fair enough but she was far from faultless and I made and put in a lot of effort into the relationship, I was the one getting home at 2am after a date or the one staying at work until 9pm so we could catch an hour together. I was probably driving 600 miles a month to be with her.

It's probably selfish of me to think that if you don't want to be with someone you should delete them from whatsapp but every time I use it, there she is.

I guess I'm venting, so apologies for that but I'm not a stalker, unless you count contacting her twice, I won't contact her again, the next step for me I guess is deleting phone numbers/whatsapp etc.

OP posts:

MsBagelLady · 10/08/2018 09:28

Move on, she has.
At least now you know you self sabotage and that you don't really want to be single. Armed with this knowledge you can approach the next dating phase in a different and more self aware way.

PerverseConverse · 10/08/2018 09:28

You sound young. Am glad you decided not to send the CD. Not sure why you acted like a dick when dating her? Better look next time.

Original poster

DrNuShooz · 10/08/2018 09:29

You sound young

I'm not.

Not sure why you acted like a dick

You, however, sound very young.

OP posts:

PerverseConverse · 10/08/2018 09:34

You said yourself that you acted like a dick! So I was merely saying I don't know why you did.

PerverseConverse · 10/08/2018 09:35

"I was just a bit of dick."
Taken from one of your OWN comments.

isupposeitsverynice · 10/08/2018 09:36

I'm an emotional cripple. Not sure how to solve that at the moment.

get a therapist. you'll be glad you did

Beautifulblue · 10/08/2018 09:43

I also wouldn't send the CD.. I know you've already said you've chucked it anyway but I don't think this will be the last you'll hear from her. I bet she'll contact you again... but yeah, you've done your bit now so take a step back she knows your sorry so let her take it in.

SpiritedLondon · 10/08/2018 09:49

God you’re getting a hard time OP. She sounds very intense and hard work. Why did you need to be on the phone for 2 hours each night and then again in the morning? That sounds completely claustrophobic. I also think a lot of people would be scared off by the whole “ I’m going to marry you” statement. I’m not sure you are in the love with her I think maybe it feels like that because she’s rejected you. In any event, the two of you together do not make a good team. You don’t need to make dramatic gestures you just need to move on - tough as it may feel.

Original poster

DrNuShooz · 10/08/2018 09:51

get a therapist. you'll be glad you did

I have military diganosed PTSD, something I thought I had a handle on after so long but I'm beginning to think that maybe I do need to start speaking to someone again but that's hard to admit.

OP posts:

whathappenedtherethen · 10/08/2018 09:55

I'm pleased to see you decided not to send the CD. You sound gutted but deep down it may just be lust not love. You don't sound compatible and it seems that if you did get together it wouldn't last very long, sorry. I hope you find someone that makes you happy but this doesn't sound like the one.

Original poster

DrNuShooz · 10/08/2018 09:57

Thanks, London.

I do think I'm in love with her. I had a realistion of what I potentially lost not being with her and then contacted her. It was then she rejected me, it's also got nothing to do with her having a new partner.

OP posts:

Beautifulblue · 10/08/2018 10:00

I have military diganosed PTSD, something I thought I had a handle on after so long but I'm beginning to think that maybe I do need to start speaking to someone again but that's hard to admit.

I'm sure you're fine, mumsnetters have this remarkable way of making you feel like shit. Wouldn't read to much into some of these comments OP. It's quite normal to feel a bit emotionally shit in your circumstances.

Original poster

DrNuShooz · 10/08/2018 10:03

mumsnetters have this remarkable way of making you feel like shit

I was genuinely taken aback by accusations of stalking and potentially frightening her.

I'm at the stage of drinking wine and listening to melancholy music at the moment, I think I'm going to hit the Gym and self improvement stage soon, hopefully anyway.

OP posts:

HollyGibney · 10/08/2018 10:07

Yes go on, send it. You'll get back together, she will get too invested and come on too strongly for you. You'll feel suffocated again and convinced that you need your freedom and that it would be a crime to deprive yourself and all those stunning young ladies out there on the single scene that are just waiting for the attentions of a young buck such as yourself. You'll start being an idiot and picking angsty fights with her again, you'll split dramatically and both flounce off in opposite directions. In a few months one of you will be feeling sentimental and send a "where did we go wrong?" message...

oohyoudevilyou · 10/08/2018 10:07

Don't even think about sending the CD (what is it btw? Just being nosy interested!) unless you have the intention of making the relationship last, should she give you another chance. And "last" means possible marriage, as she's already said that's what she'd like. If the M word makes you feel all jittery and wanting to behave "like a dick" again, don't send the CD or contact her again. You both sound like hard work IMO!

PerverseConverse · 10/08/2018 10:08

- "I Co-Parent and really appreciate my sleep when I can get it."

This really stood out in your OP. You've said you both have children so surely she co-parents or has her children most of the time and appreciates her sleep too? It reads like your needs are greater than hers or you don't see her parenting as equal to yours. Just the tone of what you wrote.

It's very typical to suddenly want someone you can no longer have because they've moved on and think you're in love with them even though they weren't right for you and you weren't your best in the relationship.

There's a lot of unpleasantness in your responses to posters and I wonder if you have completely recovered from your divorce and all the emotions they stir up. Dating is bloody hard after divorce. The dating thread might be worthwhile joining. A lot of women post divorce are very picky about who they date and have very high expectations/hopes or are very particular in what they want. Especially those who have been dating a while. There's a complete intolerance to any bullshit or dickish behaviour.the dating thread is very illuminating. I was always one to give dates several chances and made excuses for their behaviour. Not any more.

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