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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex's partner shouldn't go on holiday with him and DC

73 replies

Gingerninj · 07/08/2018 15:13

Ex husband's sister has a caravan down south which we used to go to with the kids for a week or so in the summer. So I was fine with him taking the kids down there this year, until he mentioned his new partner coming. I just don't think spending their holiday with a stranger would be a fun experience. I'd rather not be thinking about how my kids are miles with someone I've never even met. My ex seems to have put it down to me being jealous which is ridiclous. Surely i have a say on who they go on holiday with. I just think if he's going to introduce them to eachother this is the wrong way to do it

OP posts:
AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 07/08/2018 15:15

Have the children met the new partner at all?

Telling you that you are jealous is most likely wishful thinking on his part.

Whatnextfred · 07/08/2018 15:16

I wouldn't like it and think it's a bad move on his part when the kids haven't met her but at the same time don't think you can actually stop him

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 07/08/2018 15:20

He does sound like a fucking idiot though.

It’s the type of thing my XH would do. It would be all about impressing the new partner, not about the DCs having a lovely time.

XH wanted my DCs to meet the OW shortly after he left, wanted them to stay over when she was there. I put my foot down and said no, it wasn’t appropriate.

No thought given to how the children would feel around her, or how seeing their father in a new relationship might affect them.

He needs to Centre the children, no one else.

Seaweed42 · 07/08/2018 15:22

What age are your kids?Ask your ex feel if you announced a man his DC had never met was spending a week in a caravan with them?
Besides that - you have to trust their Dad can look after them. You can't stop him. The kids might enjoy their holiday even with this woman in tow, regardless of how you feel about the situation.
Can you ask that they or you meet her before she goes on holidays?

frecklesMaybe · 07/08/2018 15:23

Ignoring bollocksy phrases like "centre [small 'c'] the children", no, you don't get to tell him what happen when he is in charge of the children. You can put you foot (or feet) down with a heavy hand. Can stamp and moan and complain for all you're worth but you don't get a say.

Unless you're happy for him to dictate terms when you have the children you need to put up and shut up unless you think the children are in danger.

Such is life.

1moreRep · 07/08/2018 15:25

the kids may well know the girlfriend and will probably have a good time- i seriously don't see the problem?

my exp is with my dc on holiday with his gf and her son- i'm happy as they will have a lovely time and she seems lovely.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 07/08/2018 15:28

I wouldn't have thought you get to dictate what he does with his children when he has them unfortunately, just as he doesn't get to do it to.
All part of parenting as a separated family.

haribosmarties · 07/08/2018 15:28

I can understand how you feel but sadly no you dont get a say in who 'your' kids go on holiday with because they are also his kids. When he has them he has to be allowed to parent how he chooses as long as its safe etc So unless this woman is some kind of criminal then no, you arent being reasonable. Although its understandable that you are pissed off if the kids dont know her.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 07/08/2018 15:29

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Namechangeforthiscancershit · 07/08/2018 15:32

No you can’t dictate who is and isn’t there when he spends time with his children. You could try to talk him out if it but only you know whether that would be a massive waste of breath.

Hopefully she will be lovely. Or relatively lovely and the kids will have a great time.

I met a lot of my dad’s girlfriends over the years. Honestly it was generally a really good thing as my dad was (and remains) lovely but hopeless and at least when the girlfriend of the moment was there someone remembered to feed us...

hellsbellsmelons · 07/08/2018 15:34

How long have they been together?
Do they spend any amount of time with her now?
Do they think she is fun?
Why won't they have fun?

frecklesMaybe · 07/08/2018 15:35

@AnnUnderTheFryingPan

Did I touch a nerve? Did you feel unCentred?

Bluelady · 07/08/2018 15:35

Why, Ann? Because she's right?

Sirzy · 07/08/2018 15:37

How long have they been together?

I can understand why your feeling a bit uncomfy with the idea BUT he is their parent and he feels that it is a good idea so there isn’t much you can do.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 07/08/2018 15:40

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Doyoumind · 07/08/2018 15:41

As everyone else said, you don't get a say.

You've said yourself this is about how you feel about the children being with her.

This is going to happen eventually even if it's not now and the world won't end.

The children will be ok. They may like it. They may not. They will have their views and it will either help or hinder their relationship with their father.

You can suggest it's not the best way for them to get to know his new partner but you have no rights here.

FuckPants · 07/08/2018 15:41

It's up to him who he goes away with.

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/08/2018 15:43

If they haven’t met her yet I agree that it’s a dumb way to introduce them, but I don’t think it necessarily means it’s going to be no fun for them. In any case, unless he has no rights to take them on holiday, as others have said, it’s not something you have any authority over. All you can do is make suggestions.

Oldraver · 07/08/2018 15:43

No you dont have a say on who he takes on holiday, just a she doesn't have a say on your holidays.

Whether it's wise if it's the childrens first meeting is another thing

blackteasplease · 07/08/2018 15:46

freckes your message is very odd.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 07/08/2018 15:46

When my ex pulls these stunts, I just ask myself which is worse....
A) kicking off, demanding that the ex puts the children first potentially leading to him not seeing them because he can’t/won’t meet the standard

Or

B) waving them off with a smile, hoping they have a good holiday and knowing that in the future they will never be able to say ‘but you didn’t let us spend time with our dad’. With the added bonus that they have the opportunity to work out for themselves just exactly where their father’s priorities lie.

ToadsforJustice · 07/08/2018 15:47

I suspect he wants the new partner there to look after the DC so he can have a holiday.

AuntieStella · 07/08/2018 15:48

When the new partner gets introduced to the DC is one of the awful moments.

"Surely i have a say on who they go on holiday with"

But it wouid be wrong (and therefore unsupportive to OP) to suggest that she has any say in this whatsoever.

If they don't know the new partner, then this hol will be make or break time on a number of levels. But it is their DDad who has sole say on who DC meet and where DC go during his time. Just as it is OP's during hers.

So if he does not want to discuss how new partner will be introduced, there isn't a damned thing OP can do about it. And it doesn't sound as if he's been terribly receptive.

frecklesMaybe · 07/08/2018 15:50

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slovenlys · 07/08/2018 15:51

How old are the DC? How long have you been separated and how long have they been together? Is it possible some of those answers are clouding your thinking?