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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think ex's partner shouldn't go on holiday with him and DC

73 replies

Gingerninj · 07/08/2018 15:13

Ex husband's sister has a caravan down south which we used to go to with the kids for a week or so in the summer. So I was fine with him taking the kids down there this year, until he mentioned his new partner coming. I just don't think spending their holiday with a stranger would be a fun experience. I'd rather not be thinking about how my kids are miles with someone I've never even met. My ex seems to have put it down to me being jealous which is ridiclous. Surely i have a say on who they go on holiday with. I just think if he's going to introduce them to eachother this is the wrong way to do it

OP posts:

NoFucksImAQueen · 07/08/2018 20:44

freckles it's ironic that you are picking at other people's posts given the fact you added a full stop on your own in a sentence that clearly wasn't finished. I recognise your name as iv seen you on other threads acting like a goady fucker. Are you trying to make a name for yourself or something?

Kisbot · 07/08/2018 20:52

When my exh decided that his gf was going to be joining them on holiday they all refused to go. We never argued over times spent with their dad the children (12,10 & 6 ) were always allowed to choose if they wanted to see him or not. Once he decided that his gf was going to be coming on every holiday they didn't go on holiday with him again.He put his gf first. Now my 3 grown up children rarely see their dad once or twice a year at most. I didn't have a problem with the gf she was welcome to him so it wasn't influenced by me.
A week in an enclosed space with a virtual stranger is selfish especially for 13 yo.

Original poster

Gingerninj · 07/08/2018 21:48

@Ginger1982 yeah she was the OW

OP posts:

Eveforever · 07/08/2018 22:22

He really sounds like a selfish prick. You've recently split up, because of his infidelity, and he wants to take this woman on holiday, with your children, when they haven't even been introduced to her yet? Normally I'd suggest talking it through with him, but honestly does he not care about your children's feelings, and can he not show some respect to you, the mother of his children? Under these circumstances I don't think it would be unreasonable to refuse to let them go on holiday together with the OW until a more appropriate length of time has past and the children have adjusted to the change in circumstances. I think most parents would think this was reasonable in your situation.

Doyoumind · 07/08/2018 22:35

Eveforever the problem is that what people think and what the law says are two different things. Unfortunately OP doesn't have any right to refuse to allow her children to go. Refusal could cause her problems further down the line. She doesn't have any more right to say who the children spend time with than their father. He's a dick but he's a dick with equal parental rights.

LunaTrap · 07/08/2018 22:44

Of course she can stop them going provided there is no court order in place saying they have to do so. And parents have responsibilities not rights.

Doyoumind · 07/08/2018 22:56

I knew some muppet would come along and talk about responsibilities rather than rights. He can say the OW is not going on the holiday and then it turns out she is and he would be perfectly within his rights to do that. Yes, he would be a dick to do that but there's nothing stopping him. He can turn up at the house and leave with the children at any time. Again, nothing stopping him. He could go for a CAO and the children could be living with the OW EOW minimum.

The truth is that the OP is going to have to face up to the fact this dick is the DC's father and that the OW is going to be in the children's lives whether she likes it or not.

She can fight against it but it won't get her anywhere.

That is the truth of the matter.

Eveforever · 07/08/2018 22:57

Doyoumind I understand that, although the OP hasn't commented (unless I missed it) on what the situation is in terms of parental rights and visitation rights. If it's shared then she could still appeal to his better nature on the grounds that this is will be too confusing and stressful for the children to go on holiday with a new woman when they've just split and see if that changes anything. I don't believe the OP has actually said she has tried to talk him out of it on this basis. She could mention continuing with this holiday with the OW is not the best way to maintain good relations between them both, but I appreciate different people would react differently to a statement like that, though it's likely to be bloody true!

LunaTrap · 07/08/2018 23:16

I'm not a muppet, I just disagree that the OP is obliged to hand her kids over to a situation she believes will be detrimental to them in the absence of a court order. It doesn't sound like she is preventing contact and yes as time goes on the OW will be in their lives but she is entitled to say 3 months is too soon. He can seek legal advice if he disagrees.

Original poster

Gingerninj · 07/08/2018 23:46

I'm not stopping him seeing the kids at all, yes i realise OW will be in their lives my point is a holiday maybe isn't the best way to introduce her into their lives. This might turn out great, they might get on with her really well and have a nice holiday, I hope it does. But I'm not talking about the legal side of things at all, the kids can go holiday with their dad, I won't stop him taking them I just wanted reassurance that i wasn't being unreasonable to disagree with his plans. Legally we're still bloody married and haven't sorted out anything besides from the arrangements we've decided between ourselves. I'm not sure if that made much sense but hopefully it did

OP posts:

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 08/08/2018 09:18

How do your DC feel about it Ginger?

I stand by what I said earlier, that their feelings MUST come first. Decisions made by their parents have turned their world upside down. In a short space of time, your XH is insisting they must accept his new partner in their lives in a significant way from the off (going on holiday is intense). He has adjusted his life and moved on, his expectation that everyone else is at the same point as him is unreasonable. He has had longer than everyone else from what you have said.

Personally I wouldn’t want to be meeting my new partners children in such circumstances- without so much as a chance to say hello beforehand.
I’ve seen it all too often that parents put their own wants before the needs of their children and it makes for a very difficult path ahead.

Children post-separation need to be treated gently.

Allthewaves · 08/08/2018 09:20

Ok so you can't stop this happening bu I would ask if you could meet new partner for a coffee and suggest ex takes kids out a couple of times with gf before holiday. Damage limitation

shinyredbus · 08/08/2018 09:28

whats your relationship with ex like - he cheated and he's a bloody fool, but are you civil towards one another? If so - ask him to introduce the OW to the children before holiday.

Original poster

Gingerninj · 08/08/2018 09:43

We're not on great terms but we're civil for the DC, I think I'll speak to him and suggest at least the kids meeting her beforehand. Not sure i could meet his new partner for a coffee honestly

OP posts:

DobbyisFREE · 08/08/2018 10:34

I think I'll speak to him and suggest at least the kids meeting her beforehand.

This seems like the best plan for the good of the kids so the holiday isn't too much of a shock to them.

FWIW I agree with you that it's too soon but if he's insistent on her being on the holiday then it's only right to introduce them beforehand so you can pick up the pieces after (not that you deserve that but they do).

I'm really sorry he's done this to you and is trying to make you out as being the bad guy for being a good parent

Ooforfoxsakeridesagain · 08/08/2018 13:52

@nofucksimaqueen - freckles is a PBP known for goady-fuckery.

Shame to derail a thread that way.

mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 14:00

Just for what it is worth, I think it is too soon. Way too soon.

This has all only just happened to your dc, they will still be processing what has happened to their once solid family, to now expect them to go on holiday without their mother and a stranger that is touching and close to Daddy is overload because of the short time frame.

Given no court orders or arrangements have been made I wouldn't agree to this at all. It is too much too soon.

At some point in the coming months they can meet her for an hour, assuming they will still be together and I would wait to ensure THEIR relationship is long term and serious before any introductions. No way would I agree to a week with a stranger when you have only just split up.

Your ex dh has some front, clearly not thinking about his dc and their wellbeing in any capacity.

mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 14:07

Their family life exploded in May and the children are expected to play happy families 2 months later with the other woman??

I don't think so!

They need counselling first, time to adjust, reassurance and comfort. THEN to meet her (assuming the relationship is permanent and we can't assume it is) and then they decide if they are even comfortable with her, following a successful introduction possibly a weekend away in the future.

Only after those steps, slowly and carefully taken should a holiday even be considered.

The children come first.

Not CF ex dh

Mousefunky · 08/08/2018 14:14

Sadly you have to grin and bear things like this when you separate. Provided they aren’t putting your child in danger in any way or neglecting them, there’s very little you can do. You definitely lose a sense of control over your DC when you separate from their Father.

SandyY2K · 08/08/2018 14:15

He's been with her since the end of last year, October/November sort of time. But we've only been separated since May.

Cheaters have a tendency to put themselves first.

YANBU.

Branleuse · 08/08/2018 14:18

It sounds like a bad idea and tbh id be ready to have to go collect them.if necessary, but no, you dont really get to say if he takes his girlfriend.

That sounds like a really shit holiday for her though.

jelly449 · 08/08/2018 14:25

I had a post very similar to this. Told my ex that if the new gf was going then dcs weren't. But I had other reasons also. Ds is autistic and was going through a rough patch.

Ex had also only split with previous gf 2 weeks before and dcs thought he was still with her! Her and her ds were supposed to go on the holiday as they originally booked it when they were together.

Ex goes and dumps her and immediately invited new gf and expected me to be fine with it. He's a lovely bloke....

Dcs are currently on holiday with ex. No new gf and his mum and have gone instead

notthisagain83 · 08/08/2018 14:35

Personally I would request that for the children's sake this arrangement does not go ahead . Explain that a holiday with a new partner within 3 months of parents splitting would not be in the best interests for the children and would be very confusing for them. Tell him that you are open to the children meeting the OW following your 6 month split but before then its too soon (6 months is too soon IMO but i think you'd get a better response from him if you are trying to compromise IYKWIM)

Ultimately you can do nothing if he decides to ignore your request and if that be the case i would ask your eldest what they would like to go or not.

I hope he makes the right choice for your children OP

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