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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think ex's partner shouldn't go on holiday with him and DC

73 replies

Gingerninj · 07/08/2018 15:13

Ex husband's sister has a caravan down south which we used to go to with the kids for a week or so in the summer. So I was fine with him taking the kids down there this year, until he mentioned his new partner coming. I just don't think spending their holiday with a stranger would be a fun experience. I'd rather not be thinking about how my kids are miles with someone I've never even met. My ex seems to have put it down to me being jealous which is ridiclous. Surely i have a say on who they go on holiday with. I just think if he's going to introduce them to eachother this is the wrong way to do it

OP posts:

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 07/08/2018 15:55

Ok Freckles. Have a good afternoon.

MaiaRindell · 07/08/2018 16:15

My parents were divorced when I was a child and my dad has remarried twice since then and had a number of gfs. I have never seen him on his own even once in 36 years. It's fine now but as a child, I just wanted time with him. I honestly think some men don't see the issue.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 07/08/2018 16:23

No, you absolutely don't get a say.

Would you expect him to get a say in who YOU spend time with while the DC are with you?

Difficult as it might be for you to have to think about them away with someone else, that's not what it's about. You can't dictate his contact time unless you have serious safeguarding concerns - which I'm assuming you don't.

There is no reason (that you've yet given) why they won't have a great time together. Different from being just with their dad but not necessarily bad. You are assuming that because you don't want her to go.

For your DC's sake, be positive and encouraging about the holiday with dad and his GF and don't do anything to suggest to them that they might have a bad time because she is there - including asking if they mind. If they don't want to go, let them tell you themselves.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 07/08/2018 16:25

Maybe suggest to him that they have a couple of meetings first - out to dinner, bowling or something - so the DC can get to know her a bit before the holiday?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2018 16:25

How 'new' is the new partner? To me, 'partner' signifies a relationship of some duration and commitment. And unfortunately, as others have said, you can't control whom he introduces to the DC on his time with them.

Are you in a 'place' where you could ask ex if you could meet her before they leave, maybe even before the DC meet her? It doesn't have to be a big 'thing'. Just a 'hello and a handshake' to put a face to the name as it were. I think I'd feel better if I'd at least met her.

KoolAidPickle · 07/08/2018 16:29

Surely i have a say on who they go on holiday with

No, you do not. Your children are going on holiday with their father, it is up to him who else goes. It has nothing to do with you.
Would you let him tell you who could go on your holiday?

Original poster

Gingerninj · 07/08/2018 16:34

DC are 13, 6 and 2 at the end of August. He's been with her since the end of last year, October/November sort of time. But we've only been separated since May. They haven't met her yet

OP posts:

cheesemongery · 07/08/2018 16:38

The kids will make their own minds up - I don't think I've seen how old they are. If they have a lovely time be happy for them. If they have a lovely time but new woman found it a nightmare, have a sneaky snigger. Me and my ex split when DD was a baby, he'd been with somebody for years who didn't like him having contact with me or DD, but I had to let her go off with them. He's with a new partner now, she's lovely, has a DD similar age, doesn't mind about me and ex being in contact or sharing time together with DD. I'd be happy for DD to go on holiday with them, she's getting a holiday.

Are you sure she's a stranger to the children? Seems an odd way of introduction if so. I don't know what your break up was like, how the children have taken it, their ages, how often they see Dad so it's hard to give any other advice other than you just have to suck it up and trust his judgement I'm afraid.

cheesemongery · 07/08/2018 16:38

Sorry X posted.

Bezm · 07/08/2018 16:38

Centre the children? What sort of sparkly bollocks is that?

OP, imagine you're giving advice to a friend who's ex has told her she can't take her own children on holiday with her new partner. Would your advice be
A) ex is not in a position to dictate to you who you go on holiday with,
OR
B) ex is fully within his rights to control who his children spend their holidays with when they are with you?

I suspect it would be A.
YABVVVU, but I totally understand your concerns. Wave them off with a smile then have a good cry and a gin. That's what I used to do.

Trinity66 · 07/08/2018 16:40

Not really your call OP. You can't dictate who he spends his time with while he's in charge of your kids (unless it's someone who you have reason to believe is a danger to them obviously)

Notevilstepmother · 07/08/2018 16:45

It’s a relationship, not a quick fling then. I’m afraid you don’t get any say.

I think the jealousy is of her with your kids not her and him isn’t it.

However if/when you meet someone I’m sure you won’t want Ex telling you what to do either.

Piffle11 · 07/08/2018 16:45

So as far as your DC are concerned, DM and DF split 3 months ago, and now DF has a new GF and we're going on holiday with her. Well I think it's a bit soon, actually. I would want to meet her first - I understand it will be bloody awkward as they were clearly having an affair for six months or so, but that was their choice. I totally get why you're uncomfortable having a complete stranger living in close proximity to your DC without you knowing what she's like, etc. Yes I know he's their DF and won't let them come to harm, but it's nice to be able to give someone the once over and have peace of mind. I don't think you ABU at all.

frecklesMaybe · 07/08/2018 16:46

ooooh, @Bezm. You're going to feel the wrath of @AnnUnderTheFryingPan now!

Original poster

Gingerninj · 07/08/2018 16:55

Although I understand they've been together 9 or 10 months now DC don't know that. I'm thinking about my oldest in particular. He isn't her biological dad but he's been her father figure for most of her life. So her parent's split up 3 months ago, something she's still getting her head around and now dad's in a new relationship and they're all going on holiday. That's why I'm thinking it might ruin the mood a bit.

OP posts:

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 07/08/2018 17:01

Could you suggest that they meet up for an afternoon first, so the children can get an idea of who she is?

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 07/08/2018 17:03

Do substitute the phrase I used ‘center the children’ to ‘put the children’s feelings first’, by all means.

LunaTrap · 07/08/2018 17:04

Any parent who thinks it's appropriate to have a new partner around the kids within 3 months of the breakdown of their family unit is utterly selfish. I doubt you can do much to stop it sadly, but he's a shit.

RoboJesus · 07/08/2018 17:12

It might be a good way to introduce her in a fun familiar place. If they've been together that long he's probably looking at them living together so they need to get to know eachother well and get on well. It sucks for you but there isn't anything you can do about it.

runningscare · 07/08/2018 17:29

Sorry OP whilst you don't want this to happen ... your children which you share with your ex will met the girlfriend at some point ... really you should be pleased that your ex has decided to tell you. If you make a fuss he may decide not to tell you about events or things which could impact on the children.

Eveforever · 07/08/2018 18:18

How do you feel about suggesting he introduces his to girlfriend to your children some afternoon in the next week, or two? This way you can gauge everyone's reactions, both your ex's in terms of following your reasonable request, and your children's should the meeting go ahead. Then you should hopefully have a better idea on how to proceed with things.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2018 20:00

Ah, well, then that IS a bit quick if you've only been separated since May.

You still can't control his actions, but I do think suggesting that everybody meet first is a good idea. Is there time for that before the holiday?

Otherwise, all you can do is be as neutral as possible. I'd also be prepared for the holiday to end sooner than planned if the DC aren't able to 'settle in' with her. Or to get a call from the 13 yr old that she's unhappy.

yorkshireyummymummy · 07/08/2018 20:12

Jesus - men are selfish aren’t they.
Can’t he just give his kids ( who he has , by his actions, made them kids from a broken home) a week, a single bloody week to concentrate on them? It’s only been three months since he broke up their home life - does he really have to introduce his tart to them so soon??

Personally I would be asking the 13 year old if she is comfortable with going on holiday with dads girlfriend. If she wasn’t I would tell him if he wants to go to the caravan with his girlfriend then fine - but he wouldn’t be taking the kids. They need to spend time with their dad on his own, get used to being with him with no mum around before he brings his girlfriend onto the scene. If it’s serious then there’s no rush is there? But for gods sake, put the kids first.
I know I’m flying in the face of public opinion but I’m guessing the kids live with you and see dad on a weekend? So you are their main parent and consequently it’s you who will have to deal with the flack from their selfish dad. So I would be telling him if he wants the kids he takes them alone. They are children with children’s emotions.

MissSusanSays · 07/08/2018 20:19

There is no world in which this is a good idea. He has just split up with you and the kids have lost their family unit. He needs to wait a while to try to move them on from that

He might be ready but I doubt they are. He is not putting his kids first here.

Ginger1982 · 07/08/2018 20:28

Why have they been together since October but you've only be separated since May? Was she the OW and you only found out in May?

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