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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel horrible thinking like this.

59 replies

NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 12:30

Hi sorry if this is long.
I'm due to go to a wedding next month but I don't want to go Blush
I used to speak to the bride every night we were very close. Another girl was in our group so it was the 3 of us. The bride is having 8 bridesmaids and 4 pageboys! She had asked the other girl in our 3 to be bridesmaid but not me. I won't lie it stung but I carried on with friendship as I'm trying to be an adult.
Me and bride hardly speak anymore and I get the feeling she feels bad about what she's done.
I feel bad for the bride as she's had an awful time (ivf and mcs) which I hope I've been supportive throughout. However when I told her I had fertility issues She dismissed them.
I feel a bit bad but I can't be arsed with this wedding Confused

OP posts:
thenorthernsinner · 07/08/2018 12:34

Then don't do. But be prepared to loose the friendship for good.

Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 12:35

I have to go it's to close to pull out. FFS give me some words of advice. despite what she's done I feel horriblw

OP posts:
Seniorschoolmum · 07/08/2018 12:36

If she is your long time friend, I would go and enjoy yourself. It would be a shame to lose a friend over one day.

On the fertility thing, that’s such a difficult area, people react in odd ways.

If she didn’t want you there, she wouldn’t have invited you. And you can relax with no duties, let someone else do the work for once.

Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 12:38

I think she's a crap mate tbhBlush

OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 07/08/2018 12:39

I can understand how you feel. Can you make up an excuse?

Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 12:41

it's too late. she'd lose the money on our places and id feel shit

OP posts:
Cuppaorwine · 07/08/2018 12:43

Just go and maybe you will have a chance for a chat. I would imagine IVF and misscarrisges are pretty overwhelming situations. Maybe she just couldn’t support you like you wanted her to with your issues. Flowers

At least if you go you know you have nothing to regret or reproach yourself with in the future.

HollyGibney · 07/08/2018 12:45

I wouldn't go. I know you're set on going but I absolutely would not.

Doyoumind · 07/08/2018 12:46

Just go and have some nice food, some drink, a chat and a dance. You don't need to focus on her once the ceremony is over.

Sonders · 07/08/2018 12:47

If you don't like your friend and want to go, don't go. I would have rather lost a little bit of money on wedding food than have years of looking at photos with someone's face in I knew didn't like me.

HollowTalk · 07/08/2018 12:49

I wouldn't go. She sounds really horrible. Surely you have just discovered you have something on that day?

Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 12:51

We've arranged childcare and holidays etc so we can't pull out. I don't know why I feel horrible tbh but I just do. I'm trying to be an adult but as it gets closer I feel like saying sod off

OP posts:
Twistella · 07/08/2018 12:54

Definitely go! don't give her any ammunition.

Go, enjoy yourself, eat and drink all the nice things, be civil and polite, buy her a gift then drop contact.

Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 12:56

I just feel bad for her she's had a terrible time

OP posts:
CountFosco · 07/08/2018 12:56

Go to the wedding and suck it up, you'll see lots of friends, eat and drink some nice food and have a nice time. That's all it is, just one day of your life in recognition of an old friendship.

The bride has 8 bridesmaids, there has to be a cut off somewhere and if you're not that close anymore then it shouldn't be a surprise. Or has the not speaking originated around the time you weren't asked to be a bridesmaid? It could be that she's caught up in the wedding plans and things will return to normal afterwards. Or maybe it won't. Different friendships have different lifespans and if the friendship isn't as close as it once was that doesn't mean you can't go and feel happy for her. Maybe have a good cry about it in private beforehand then go and be brave on the day.

As far as the infertility issues go it's a shame she hasn't been more sympathetic but just because she's experienced it herself doesn't mean she's the best person to give you sympathy. Maybe it's too hard for her to listen to your issues because it brings up bad memories, maybe she's generally bad at being empathetic but does care really. Who knows?

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 07/08/2018 12:59

This is an opportunity to see other friends. You won't get much (any?) time with the bride as she will need to spend time with all her guests. I probably spent at most 10 mins with any one person at mine including the groom

Look at it as a free meal, a bit of time away from the kids. One last bit of effort from you and then you can walk away without regrets or recriminations.

Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 12:59

It's just a shame as I spent hours and hours counselling her and when I needed help I was tossed aside.

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 07/08/2018 13:03

She's a horrible friend, you deserve better. I'd give her a wedding present of a self help book on how to be a good friend.

Can you just stay at the wedding for a bit then head off to do your own thing in the local area? Have some time without the kids and just your partner and you.

Echobelly · 07/08/2018 13:08

I'd go - how big is the wedding? You might quite reasonably not even get a chance to say more than 3 words to the bride if there's lots of people.

FishingIsNotASport · 07/08/2018 13:09

You sound like a giver OP, and your friend sounds like a taker. Takers are not terribly interested in hearing about other people's highs and lows, they like the focus to be on them. I've distanced myself from a couple of friends like this as I had become an unpaid therapist, but they had no interest in me at all.

I would go to this wedding. As you say it's too late to back out and I think you would regret not going. It sounds as though you will know plenty of other guests so get dressed up, be fabulous, be happy and chatty. Then afterwards you can re-assess the relationship.

Disquieted1 · 07/08/2018 13:14

WTAF am I reading?

She's had IVF and miscarriages and is being slagged off on here because she was dismissive of your (unspecified) fertility issues.
Yet later on you mention you've arranged childcare - I'm not surprised she was a little dismissive.
So based on information you provided:
She has miscarriages - you arrange childcare.

And she's the crap mate, yes?

missymayhemsmum · 07/08/2018 13:15

Go to the wedding, even though you are disappointed in your friend. Is it possible that she didn't ask you to be bridesmaid because you were ttc? If she has been through mcs and ivf then the thought of possibly having a pregnant bridesmaid could have been more than she could cope with.

Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 13:17

I had my child after fertility treatment. why would I moan about fertility issues with a child? This was well before I got pregnant thank you very much

OP posts:
Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 13:18

She has 2 pregnant bridesmaids

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 07/08/2018 13:18

Go and have a nice time.
Don't spend lots of money on a gift.
Count yourself lucky you haven't been landed with bridesmaid duties.
After wedding, reduce or end contact.
Friendships should be two-way.