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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I feel horrible thinking like this.

59 replies

NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 12:30

Hi sorry if this is long.
I'm due to go to a wedding next month but I don't want to go Blush
I used to speak to the bride every night we were very close. Another girl was in our group so it was the 3 of us. The bride is having 8 bridesmaids and 4 pageboys! She had asked the other girl in our 3 to be bridesmaid but not me. I won't lie it stung but I carried on with friendship as I'm trying to be an adult.
Me and bride hardly speak anymore and I get the feeling she feels bad about what she's done.
I feel bad for the bride as she's had an awful time (ivf and mcs) which I hope I've been supportive throughout. However when I told her I had fertility issues She dismissed them.
I feel a bit bad but I can't be arsed with this wedding Confused

OP posts:
limitedscreentime · 07/08/2018 14:20

We had very odd reasons for selecting the wedding attendants and the godparents we did. It would be pretty nonsensical to some and I wonder if I have offended friends.... I wish I had explained to those not chosen why but otherwise they have continued to be good friends. Similarly others choices have seemed nonsensical but I don’t think it’s any of mine and haven’t taken offence. Everyone has a reason so either ask her or get over it.

I can’t comment on the fertility stuff but there may be a number of reasons she felt unable to support you.

sizeofalentil · 07/08/2018 14:26

It's fine to feel like this - you have good reason. But I do think pulling out is burning all your bridges in this friendship. Do you really want to end it, or are you just hurt?

I don't know her, so obviously don't know if this is the case, but the wedding planning, fertility issues and MCs may have caused depression, which makes you selfish (I'm speaking from my own experience here). So she might not be in the right frame of mind to be a good friend at the moment.

I'd just go and see what happens after. Life is long and friendships often ebb and flow.

I'd give her a cheap present though!

sunflowersinthesky · 07/08/2018 14:27

Don't bother OP, weddings are invariably shit, especially when you have been somewhat unfairly overlooked.

We've been to three family weddings on DH's side in the last three years, and all the cousins have been bridesmaids (some several times). Apart from one. My dd. She seemed to be the 'forgotten' one every time.

I shan't be forgetting it in a hurry though.

The last wedding we went to, we were standing round at the venue in the afternoon, as you do, chatting away politely to people we didn't know, noticed that loads of people had disappeared and I said "Where's the bride and groom gone?" "Oh," said the person I was talking to, "They're doing the photos. It's just family only though."

We are sodding family and although we went and stood round by where they were taking pictures and I pointedly stood next to SIL/MOB in the watching crowd, the photographer had a massive long list and was calling people out. All the mums & dads, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins and old timers, everyone had their photos done with B & G. Not me, dh and dc though. Even though were were aunt, uncle and niece of the bride.

To say I was put out would be the understatement of the century. Especially as dh had been driving about all morning delivering flowers and champagne and transporting random family members everywhere, and dd was the same age as another cousin who was a bridesmaid.

SIL/MOB married all three of her kids off, and every single time dd was overlooked. It isn't even a huge family with dozens to choose from.

So SIL, if you are reading this, that is why we never bought any of the stupidly expensive wedding photos of your three precious offspring. We aren't in any of the family photos. One day maybe, when you are all sitting round looking at them, and someone notices and asks why we aren't in any, you'll realise that you were (and still are) a complete cow.

Jaxhog · 07/08/2018 14:44

Just go and have some nice food, some drink, a chat and a dance. You don't need to focus on her once the ceremony is over.
If you stay friends fine, but you don't need to be buddy, buddy if you don't want to.

MindatWork · 07/08/2018 15:03

It's difficult to tell who is BU based on the vague info you're giving, OP, but it's obvious you feel she's let you down as a friend.

What's the timeline here? If you have kid/s now I'm assuming you managed to overcome your fertility issues, whereas she is still struggling? At what point did you confide in her about your own fertility problems?

For example, is it something like you were complaining to her about not being able to have a second child when she is still struggling to conceive her first? Or were you generally asking for help/advice and she told you to sod off? Two very different situations.

Giving us a few more details might help us unpick why you feel like you do and give you some advice.

susurration · 07/08/2018 15:42

Was it a genuine fertility problem or were you one of those infuriating people who exclaim there must be a dire problem when you've not fallen pregnant within six months and then start looking into treatment? Because I can understand her telling you to sod off in those circumstances.

SillySallySingsSongs · 07/08/2018 15:51

Struggling to understand what's gone on.

She has had ivf/mc and has no DC, you say you have had fertility issues but have DC?

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 15:56

I'm struggling with this as well, it's the time line.

You say she struggled with infertility etc, as did you, hers is ongoing, you now have a child, the way you write it is that you supported her but when it was your turn she didn't do the same.

Yet the way you describe events would indicate your infertility issues were first, then she started to suffer. You provided support. All was fine until you were not made bridesmaid?

Is that the real issue, you're still smarting over not being bridesmaid?

AJPTaylor · 07/08/2018 16:03

Focus on bits you will enjoy.looking your best, dh and kids dressed up. Chance to get nice pics. Friends you will catch up with, nice food and drink.

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