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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel horrible thinking like this.

59 replies

NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 12:30

Hi sorry if this is long.
I'm due to go to a wedding next month but I don't want to go Blush
I used to speak to the bride every night we were very close. Another girl was in our group so it was the 3 of us. The bride is having 8 bridesmaids and 4 pageboys! She had asked the other girl in our 3 to be bridesmaid but not me. I won't lie it stung but I carried on with friendship as I'm trying to be an adult.
Me and bride hardly speak anymore and I get the feeling she feels bad about what she's done.
I feel bad for the bride as she's had an awful time (ivf and mcs) which I hope I've been supportive throughout. However when I told her I had fertility issues She dismissed them.
I feel a bit bad but I can't be arsed with this wedding Confused

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 07/08/2018 13:18

She obviously has some issues. Don't make them yours.

Just go and pretend it's a vague acquaintance, congratulate the happy couple, catch up with other friends and enjoy a nice party in the sunshine Smile

Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 13:19

That's my issue I take other people's problems on and feel guilty about their issues.

OP posts:
Tomatoesrock · 07/08/2018 13:22

Did she give a reason for not asking you to a BM. It seems like you would be honoured. Have you helped her through lots of emotional stuff and maybe that is her reason, not an excuse though. It was a shitty thing for her to do, she is aware your hurt as you are not as close. Like a pp said I think she is taker and the friendship has run it course. If you are happy for it to end then do not go, she hasn't been very caring to you. I think the friendship is probably over it is up to you to go or not, do you want to make the extra effort for the last hurdle of friendship, personally I wouldn't.

whattimeislove · 07/08/2018 13:23

It sounds like your friendship has drifted.

From what you describe I'd feel hurt too (I had a similar experience trying to talk about miscarriages with a friend who'd been through similar, she wasn't interested).

I agree with pp - go along and treat it like the wedding of an acquaintance. Have a good time, then just let things slide afterwards. If she still values your friendship she should get in touch, if not it's her loss.

Cuppaorwine · 07/08/2018 13:25

You know what op It took me years to realise that some people simply can’t give as much as others. It’s not their fault it’s their personality and sadly for them they loose friends and often partners as they are incapable of giving.

Go to the wedding. Enjoy it and then move on.

CocoaGin70 · 07/08/2018 13:27

If the wedding is next month, she'll fill your places at this stage.

I'd make an excuse, send a card and move on. Life really is too short.

Bahhhhhumbug · 07/08/2018 13:27

Does she still have fertility problems, still ttc?

susurration · 07/08/2018 13:29
  1. this wedding is not about you, its about your mate and what she wants for her big day and marriage.
  2. she may not have known how to deal with your fertility issues, even though she has her own. Not everyone can cope with that kind of conversation when you're going through it yourself.
  3. If you're so determined that she's a crap friend then go to the wedding, get pissed, eat and dance and then go home and reduce contact. Don't make it so dramatic.
Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 13:30

Yes unfortunately she does

OP posts:
Bluelady · 07/08/2018 13:34

Just don't go. She'll pull guests off the reserve list to fill your places.

HamsterToast · 07/08/2018 13:35

If she is such a crap mate then why bother. Is your friendship going to continue? If you must go, then go and get drunk and eat free food, doubt you'd really get to speak to her much anyway.

Bahhhhhumbug · 07/08/2018 13:36

I know you said she has two pregnant bms but l still think therein lies the answer. I don't think she can cope with someone around her who has come out the other side and has DC. We're the bms pregnant when she asked them

KoolAidPickle · 07/08/2018 13:37

She hasn't done anything. Seriously, you barely speak to her anymore because she didn't pick you as her bridesmaid. Which only shows she was right not to pick you.
This is your issue, not hers.

Themerrygoroundoflife · 07/08/2018 13:38

It could be she is just horrible, but if you liked and cared for her before could it be that she just found infertility so upsetting she couldn't really support you with it? I know when something is really close to home I'm not always good at dealing with it as things that are outside my personal experience.

Rafflesway · 07/08/2018 13:41

Were you both pretty much ttc at the same time? If so, it sounds like you were successful and she hasn’t been.

Having suffered similarly myself years ago, I can understand if it’s irrational but understandable envy which could go some way to explain her behaviour towards you. Doesn’t make it acceptable but grief manifests itself in some strange ways at times.

Your posts sound as if you really don’t like her very much these days - again understandable - in which case, I would concoct an excuse not to go but offer to cover the cost of the cancelled meals.

Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 13:41

Fair e nigh but she I she told to shut up about my issues I still listened to her. What a fool I am

OP posts:
Original poster
NutsandCrisps · 07/08/2018 13:43

I've just learned not to give too much

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 07/08/2018 13:44

Go and have a nice day. View it philosophically as a pleasant way to draw a close to a friendship which has run its course.

Be glad you aren’t involved in the nightmare that would come from being one of 8 bridesmaids. Wink

Bellabutterfly2016 · 07/08/2018 13:51

@HollyGibney
I agree with you
I wouldn't be going either? If you feel that uncomfortable then a day at this wedding wont be much fun.

I'd just phone her the day before and say I was ill - I wouldn't upset myself

Doyoumind · 07/08/2018 13:51

OP, you're doing the "yes, but" responses. What is it you want to hear?

MrsPreston11 · 07/08/2018 13:59

Were you talking about your issues after you'd had children and the issues were no longer issues?

viques · 07/08/2018 14:06

OP toss a coin,heads you go, tails you don't.

If you feel relief or disappointment then you will know what your true feelings are and act accordingly.

If you don't go then she has plenty of time to offer the places to other people.

ohtheholidays · 07/08/2018 14:14

Make up and excuse and tell her now!

If it's in a month she has time to invite someone else to fill the spaces.

Stop feeling bad as well(hard I know it took me years to stop putting up with people's shit)you have nothing to feel bad for or about,you were there for her when she needed you but when you needed her she didn't want to know and out of the 3 of you your the only one without an important part in the wedding,she is not a good friend,so you need to stop being one to her.

Go and do something nice with the people who do care about you,your family Flowers

Rhiannon13 · 07/08/2018 14:16

She sounds like my 'best friend', who did the same thing at her wedding and who excludes me from meet-ups with old friends, gigs etc.to this day, despite often texting me for advice and long chats (sometimes in the middle of the night). Go to the wedding but take a step back afterwards. Of course you want to be supportive but her problems are not your problems and she isn't reciprocating. Concentrate on the people who care about you and don't let her damage your self-esteem the way my 'friend' has mine.

StopAndChat · 07/08/2018 14:18

Still trying to understand what she's actually 'done'?

You sound like hard work OP tbh