Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

False accusation

71 replies

NeverEndingSunnyDays · 07/08/2018 12:18

We were at a family get together of my husbands family three months ago.

There was a bouncy castle. My young children were playing on it. My husbands brothers children were on it too - including a son who is 12. This boy was very rough and silly throughout the day. I mentioned his behaviour a number of times to his parents. They would give out but then disappear back indoors again.

As the evening went on I gave out to him a number of times for things like climbing on the roof of the castle and bouncing on it. It was so dangerous to the children underneath.

After yet another telling off he then told his parents I had hit him. Completely untrue - I had done nothing more than give out to him.

His parents believed him! As did other adults (extended family). We left as I was upset.

There has been hardly any contact between us since. My husband is very disappointed in his family - we would normally drive an hour to see them about every six weeks or so but haven't been since this happened.

I sent a text a few days later to say how important family relationships are and that I would've like to clear the air. The mother ignored the text and the father replied saying that he had fallen out with us over the incident.

How do we get past this? I don't want to pretend it didn't happen. But I don't think they are open to any sort of rational conversation about it.

I am hurt that other family members have not been in touch either - I don't like that there may be whispers about whether or not I hit a child.

Not sure what I'm asking here... has anyone been through anything similar?

OP posts:
PaulRuddislush · 07/08/2018 12:20

What does "gave out" mean?

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 12:20

Well, it's not whispers, is it? They clearly believe him. I'm not sure what you can do other than just flatly deny it.

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 12:20

Gave out means told off.

Saucery · 07/08/2018 12:22

Could you contact all the other family members stating categorically that you did not make physical contact with the boy in any way whatsoever? Up to them if they want to believe you, but at least you will have tried .

InspectorIkmen · 07/08/2018 12:23

Gave out means told off

Really? Where?
Never heard anyone talk like that before. Hmm

PaulRuddislush · 07/08/2018 12:25

Thanks, never heard of it before.

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 12:25

InspectorIkmen

Certain parts of another English-speaking country I won't name, in case the OP doesn't want to say.

Scribblegirl · 07/08/2018 12:25

Inspector I knew exactly what that meant and I live in London and grew up in Surrey, not an area known for quirky regional variations.

LittleMe03 · 07/08/2018 12:26

I feel like there should be more to this story. So the boy accused you of hitting him, they believed him instantly but then you only left due to feeling upset? They didn't ask you to leave as they thought you had hit their child? No arguments or discussions about what had actually happened to put your side across?

I think if a child of that age accused me of hitting them I would be asking the child why he would say such things and is he aware of how much trouble someone could get in for telling lies like that.

scottishdiem · 07/08/2018 12:26

Give out - common in Ireland.

When immigration was assessing DPs application for a residence card they called my landlord to ask if DP was resident there. He said yes and noted that DP was giving out about the washing machine not working.

PaulRuddislush · 07/08/2018 12:27

I'm Scottish and have definitely never heard that before ever.

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 12:27

I’ve never heard “gave out” but I got the gist and didn’t feel the need to pass comment.
What is it with people querying dialect on here today?

OP there’s nothing you can do but just continue to tell the truth unfortunately.

PaulRuddislush · 07/08/2018 12:28

I don't understand how it wasn't resolved at the time.

Cuppaorwine · 07/08/2018 12:28

It’s tricky because boys if 12 can be seen as rough and silly while just being 12! You may be a bit overprotective of your young children and expected too much of him. It’s hard to judge.

I think If my child said a family member had hit them I would belive my child and I guess that’s what they all did. Do they dislike you in general op? Are you a bit eager to tell other family members kids off? This would piss me off to be honest.

How did you ‘give out’ to him and how many times?

I think your dh probably needs to speak to his family face to face and try to sort it out.

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 12:30

It’s tricky because boys if 12 can be seen as rough and silly while just being 12! You may be a bit overprotective of your young children and expected too much of him

Expecting a 12 year old not to be too rough or not climb atop a bouncy castle with younger children playing on it is not expecting too much, it’s perfectly reasonable.

Piffle11 · 07/08/2018 12:32

Is there any history between you and DH's family? As in, are they looking for an excuse to have a go at/be offended by you?

HelpmeobiMN · 07/08/2018 12:34

It's very difficult as it's just a he said she said situation, and you don't really have any way of controlling who they choose to believe. All you can do is continue to stand up for yourself and hope that in time they feel able to move past it. I'm very sorry you're going through this, it must be very hard.

Oblomov18 · 07/08/2018 12:34

I'm not sure there is anything that can be done.

One child in our family was persuaded and pressurised to make a complaint that they had been hit. In the end their older sibling found out, and was overheard by relatives, saying to younger sibling, that they knew it wasn't true and the younger child admitted they had been forced into saying it.

I have no idea how you could make that happen, unless your Dh went to the next family get-together without you and had such a conversation with this 12 year old alone, and tricked him by asking probing questions, such as explain to me where on the body you were hit etc?

SparklyMagpie · 07/08/2018 12:35

Hmmm, you've written about this before haven't you

PaulRuddislush · 07/08/2018 12:36

If you were moaning and shouting at him all day long they probably don't think it's too much of a stretch that you hit him in frustration and anger.
It sounds as if you've crossed a line somewhere and they don't appreciate your efforts to discipline their child. Why would you want to associate with people who (a) let their dc play roughly to the detriment of others and (b) unilaterally believe you hit them despite telling them you didn't?
I don't think I'd want any more to do with them, family or otherwise.

InfiniteVariety · 07/08/2018 12:39

Did you say immediately & categorically on the day that you had not hit him? Did you say it when the boy himself was present as well as his parents? I agree it sounds as if elements of the story are missing

Hillarious · 07/08/2018 12:40

If the 12 year old was being rough and silly it sounds like he was bored and his behaviour deteriorated in due course. Did you interact with him in any other way than to just tell him off? Does he get on at all with his younger cousins and ever play with them in anything other than a rough and silly way? What kind of a relationship do you have with him usually? It's a surprise that he is able to lie and say you'd hit him when you didn't, and be believed by the extended family.

IceCreamFace · 07/08/2018 12:43

I think it should be your DH doing the approaching as it's his family and he isn't directly accused of anything. He could approach other members of the family first rather than the 12 year old mother. If your priority is to build bridges then he shouldn't directly accuse the child of making up the story maliciously but he must be firm that you did not touch him, concede that you may have spoken harshly and upset him. You'd like to put it behind you etc. Be willing to make the effort (even though you are not actually to blame).

MysweetAudrina · 07/08/2018 12:43

We say give out all the time in Ireland- he was misbehaving so I gave out shite to him. Very common expression

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 12:46

I like the expression “give out” its very descriptive.