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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend I’m pregnant by text

56 replies

BeeKeeping · 06/08/2018 19:02

I’m only 5+3 but keen to tell close friends/family. Basically anyone who we would also be okay telling if we lost the pregnancy. My friend knows we’ve been trying but it’s happened very quickly for us, unfortunately my friend has been struggling (3+ years) and is now looking into IVF. We’re due to be seeing her and her husband for dinner this week and I think not drinking or pretending to drink would be noticeable.

Would it be unreasonable to tell her the news by text? Is this a cop out? How would I even word that? Not sure whether to mention their struggle or not. Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
Bluelady · 06/08/2018 19:05

Cop out. Don't tell her until 12 weeks then tell her kindly and gently in person. Do people seriously track their friends' drinking habits?

Trills · 06/08/2018 19:06

IMO text is better. It gives her a chance to think about her response. It means you're not looking at her while she manages the conflicting emotions of being glad for you but upset that it's not her.

nuttyknitter · 06/08/2018 19:07

I think text is better too. If she's upset it gives her a chance to have a cry in private then out on a brave face when she sees you.

Stonesoup18 · 06/08/2018 19:09

Text is better. It means she can react however she needs to, then compose herself for when she has to see you. I had a late miscarriage. I met up for drinks with a friend a few months later and she told me in person that she was pregnant. I tried my best to hold it together but I completely broke down in the middle of the bar. I was hysterical. It was involuntary and part shock. Text would have been 100% better.

Hospitaldramafamily · 06/08/2018 19:11

Text is better and kinder I think. But I'd wait a while

ChilliMum · 06/08/2018 19:11

I think that text is the kindest option in these circumstances. I suffered from infertility and a heads up before i saw people was much appreciated. That way I could indulge my personal grief in private and be really happy for my friends when I saw them.

For the text keep it simple there isn't much you can say, give your news say you hope it doesn't cause her pain and you hope to see her for dinner.

Evening is best when you know they will be home.

Flowers congratulations to you as well and you sound like a very thoughtful friend.

OpenThatTrapDoor · 06/08/2018 19:11

You know her, so are probably the best judge of how best to tell her.

When I fell pregnant with my first I had two friends who I knew were struggling to conceive. One I told face to face, it was difficult but the right thing to do I think for her.
The second, I told by text. Some time later she thanked me for telling her by text, saying she hated how others had randomly arranged a meet up out of the blue to tell her, she knew what was coming but had to handle her emotions publically. She said she preferred to deal with that first before responding.
I guess what I’m saying is everyone’s different, so the best way to proceed is different.

MindatWork · 06/08/2018 19:12

Hi OP, definitely tell her by text before the meal - that way she can get her own emotions out of the way and put a big smile on her face and be happy for you by the time you see her for the meal.

In my experience, If you tell her at the meal she’ll have to spend the evening putting a brave face on (I had this happen to me and it was so hard, despite how happy I was for my friend I have to have a cry in the toilets) and put a brave face on for the rest of the night.

Congrats to you on your pregnancy and Flowers for being so considerate to your poor friend.

Katrina12 · 06/08/2018 19:12

Could you give her a call before hand? Always think this type of thing is better dealt with over a conversation. Texts can be misinterpreted...

Blueroses99 · 06/08/2018 19:16

Consensus on the infertility threads is that it is much kinder to share the news via text rather than face to face or even by phone. This gives your friend the chance to deal with it in her own time and own way before she meets you - though please don’t be offended if she decides to cancel. Depending where she is in the emotional journey, it might be too hard. She might be fine with meeting but if she isn’t please don’t take it to heart.

Personally I think you are being sensible informing those that you would want to support you if anything goes wrong. It’s much more difficult asking for support for a MC if those close to you didn’t even know you were pregnant.

I hope that everything goes well for you. You are being so sensitive about your friend, it’s lovely.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 06/08/2018 19:22

As the friend who's had various unsuccessful fertility treatments.. Text her before the meal. Come out with it. I've had texts from friends saying they have big news they're looking forward to sharing and dread seeing them.
Maybe that's what Katrina means because if someone would say they are pregnant it's hard to misinterpret.

It's really hard to put on a brave face immediately, I can usually do it but it's not good for my wellbeing. And I am happy for my friends, I'm just a bit sad for me too. I know there's no quota of babies, I know their pregnancy doesn't mean it won't happen for me, but it's better to have some time to process it without lucky friend looking at me expectantly. It's really happy news for them and I want to give it an appropriately happy response.

Laiste · 06/08/2018 19:32

Text. Text. Text. Text.

Do it by text OP. Do it soon.

Congrats Flowers

Original poster
BeeKeeping · 06/08/2018 19:34

Thanks for all the helpful advice. I will definitely text her before I see her. I hope she will still feel able to come and see us.

I’ll just say something really simple like- “just wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant! Hope that this doesn’t cause any upset on (whenever we’re meeting for dinner) looking forward to seeing you”

OP posts:
CarlyJayne1987 · 06/08/2018 19:37

I agree - text.

I was in the same situation - i did text but could have handled it better - be tactful. But dont tell her on the night.

Good luck

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2018 19:40

As someone, who has ivf, remove the exclamation mark. This isn’t about your excitement. It’s about her feelings. I would make it more serious though by putting the I’s and you’s back in. Ie “I just wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant. It’s really early days and I do hope this news doesn’t upset you too much. I am very much looking forward to seeing you on x date.”

ForalltheSaints · 06/08/2018 19:41

Probably the only time I have read of a situation where a text would be better. OP is a kind friend for her sensitivity.

BlackType · 06/08/2018 19:47

You know your friend, and only you can know how best to deal with this.

If you think text is best, then that's the right way to do it. However, I wouldn't use the exclamation mark in your suggested text. This may sound awfully pedantic - but it (no doubt accidentally) changes a statement of fact (namely that you are pregnant) into a 'whoop, whoop, lucky me' thing, when a mere statement might be more appropriate.

Original poster
BeeKeeping · 06/08/2018 19:48

@Mummyoflittledragon that’s very good advice. Thank you. So glad I posted- great to see another perspective

OP posts:
Ilikesweetpeas · 06/08/2018 19:49

The reply suggested by Mummyoflittledragon is perfect. Try to make it about her feelings, not your excitement. I have also been through the agony of infertility and it is impossible for those who have not experienced it to understand. Also appreciate that she may not feel able to meet you for a meal, or may not be able to acknowledge your pregnancy without being upset. You are a lovely friend for being so sensitive and considerate

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 06/08/2018 19:49

I think your text sounds a bit glib if I’m honest, you need to word it in a kinder more considerate way mummy has given you a good example.

susurration · 06/08/2018 19:49

I've been told by text and face to face by different people. I found the texts easier. I could feign happiness and being thrilled easier when they couldn't see my face fall or my crying. By the time it came round to seeing the person I had got myself in check.

My closest friend told me in person. I did cry, but she was understanding that it wasn't about her and I was able to tell her congratulations. She understood though.

Either way I'd much rather a sensitively worded text message. Be prepared she might cancel your dinner date if she can't face it just yet.

NeverTwerkNaked · 06/08/2018 19:51

I agree with removing the exclamation mark.
I would also delete the “hope this doesn’t cause any upset” bit too. It comes across wrong.
You are right to do it my text but I think the wording needs more careful consideration

SoftBlocks · 06/08/2018 19:51

Text. By waiting to tell her face to face you are putting her on the spot. Give her a chance to take in your news and put on a brave face if she needs to. A text is not a cop out.

BlackType · 06/08/2018 19:51

Mummyoflittledragon got there first!

fluffygreenmonsterhoody · 06/08/2018 19:54

I echo what mummyoflittledragon has said. Please please don’t say ‘doesn’t cause any upset’. That’s so disregarding of your friends feelings.

Thanks for being so thoughtful of her though, genuinely, I wish everyone was.

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