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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend I’m pregnant by text

56 replies

BeeKeeping · 06/08/2018 19:02

I’m only 5+3 but keen to tell close friends/family. Basically anyone who we would also be okay telling if we lost the pregnancy. My friend knows we’ve been trying but it’s happened very quickly for us, unfortunately my friend has been struggling (3+ years) and is now looking into IVF. We’re due to be seeing her and her husband for dinner this week and I think not drinking or pretending to drink would be noticeable.

Would it be unreasonable to tell her the news by text? Is this a cop out? How would I even word that? Not sure whether to mention their struggle or not. Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:

Lauren83 · 06/08/2018 19:54

Infertile here, do text her rather than face to face so she can process it herself but I wouldn't say 'I hope it doesn't cause any upset' I think it might make her feel pity and like you feel she should be upset. I would also wait to tell her as she doesn't need to know now. I think people worry to much about not drinking like drinking is a given, say you are driving/have a work medicine/have a migraine coming on etc. Ps congrats!

Allthewaves · 06/08/2018 19:54

I think I would add in perhaps about 'looking forward to seeing you but understand if you want to catch up at a later date'

Thatssomebadhatharry · 06/08/2018 19:57

Mummy’s example is perfect.

Adding ‘I’ just want to tell you rather than ‘just wanted to tell you’ makes all the difference. Without the I it’s too breezy.

dollyknocker · 06/08/2018 20:04

I was in a similar situation and, after having consulted briefly with family members who had also struggled to conceive to get their view, decided to tell my friend by text to allow her to be upset in private. It didn't go well and she hated that I'd told her by text. I'm not sure a phone call or in person woukd have been any better though tbh. :(

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/08/2018 20:04

I wouldn't tell her yet. Just say you are driving so can't drink. People don't notice anyway do they re not drinking.

Katrina12 · 06/08/2018 20:25

Reading everyone's reasoning, I think you're right to send a sensitivity worded text... as someone else said a call is putting someone rather on spot. I only suggested you call as the tone is not always conveyed so well by text... that said your intentions are kind and considerate and I'm sure your friend will realise that.

Congratulations to you OP! X

Laiste · 06/08/2018 20:25

Just want to echo what's been said about making the text a little more serious.

No exclamation mark, and no 'not wanting upset on the night out'. Sounds like that's your main concern otherwise! Well done for thinking this through though OP. You're a good friend.

Original poster

BeeKeeping · 06/08/2018 20:36

I’ve got two reasons for wanting to tell her now.
Firstly, the dinner is at my house, so not drinking would definitely be noticed. I think all the excuses of headache/antibiotics are quite see through especially as she knows we’re trying. I could make pretend cocktails etc but I kind of think if I’m going to tell her I might as well get it done sooner rather than later and not have to lie. We see each other sometimes one per week.

The other reason is that I think that the wait till 12 weeks is a bit old fashioned. I believe that miscarriage is not talked about enough (outside of mumsnet) I know that if I were to lose the pregnancy I would want to tell my friends. Telling them the sad news when they never knew I was pregnant seems odd.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2018 21:33

Thanks . I hope whatever you send is well received. I didn’t say congratulations btw. I hope your pregnancy goes well and that you are being such a considerate friend. The hardest thing I actually had to do was to tell a friend, who’d had an ivf miscarriage thaf I was pregnant (from ivf).

Viewofhedges · 06/08/2018 21:42

Another infertile saying text, no exclamation mark and no "upset" which implies that you thinks she will "take it the wrong way" when what I think you mean is that you wanted to let her know but gently, and that you'd understand if she wanted to postpone your dinner but that you hope she will be able to come.

You're a good friend - I've had some miserable experiences of people being really inconsiderate with this news - it's great that you're being so kind.

banannabreadforme · 06/08/2018 21:57

Wait till 12 weeks. Have your first scan. Tell her nicely by text and then meet up with her.
And congratulations x

Derby2 · 06/08/2018 22:31

Definitely text.

I was going through fertility treatment and had organised a Christmas gathering to blow off some steam when my sister told me she was pregnant (6weeks).

It was so hard to put a smile on and get through the evening. I wish she had text me a day or two before so I could get my crying done and then I show her how happy I was for her.

I really was pleased for her but trying to hide all my emotions was so hard.

C0untDucku1a · 06/08/2018 22:34

She knows you're ttc so you can just say youre not drinking during the 2ww.

oldsockeater · 06/08/2018 22:46

For goodness sake don't say or imply that she will be upset! She may be but that's her private business. I would find it pretty offensive if a friend thought I would be more upset than happy that they were pregnant. The fact that you are texting in advance gives enough of a hint that you are being considerate of her feelings, no need to lay it on thick.

FASH84 · 06/08/2018 22:56

It's still so early, be cautious about who you tell, especially if it might cause them pain. I understand you telling your parents etc but maybe wait until you've had a scan at twelve weeks

User467 · 06/08/2018 22:57

I agree probably best not to say you hope it doesn't cause upset/that's she is ok about it, as it puts a pity slant on it. It's good to text her in advance so she can deal with it

FASH84 · 06/08/2018 22:57

I see your reasoning about being more open about miscarriage, but a friend with fertility issues might not be the person to support you should something happen

RoboJesus · 06/08/2018 23:00

You aren't supposed to drink yof you're trying for a baby anyway so that wouldn't even raise an eyebrow

User467 · 06/08/2018 23:01

Oops.....hit post too soon!

Don't make it excited, just to the point and that you're looking forward to seeing her soon. She'll know that you're telling her early to spare her feelings, you don't need to make a point of explaining it.

And I agree re the not drinking, Im not ttc and I notice whenever any of my friends are not drinking. Your friend's pregnancy radar will be on full alert

PurpleRobe · 06/08/2018 23:10

Text is better but wait until 12 weeks

Mobydick100 · 06/08/2018 23:15

Text her but wait till you are over 12 weeks. She does not need to know now.

ClumsyFool · 07/08/2018 00:39

My best friend text me as we were getting together that night with our other closest friends and she explained in the measage that she wanted me to know beforehand as she understood how it might make me feel. We’ve only been trying to conceive for less than a year but had had a couple of very early losses at that point (currently going through our third at 9 weeks unfortunately).
I thought it was extremely thoughtful of her and told her so, I also congratulated her and told her how happy I was for her. I then unexpectedly had a cry for a couple of minutes which I was able to do privately and meant that when I saw her later I was able to give her a hug and be genuinely happy and excited for her.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 07/08/2018 00:39

For those saying wait til after 12 weeks, the friend will know.
OP is hosting and friend will know that (not for everyone but for OP) not drinking at a social occasion means likely pregnancy.
Antibiotics etc are a flimsy excuse. Plus as user467 says the friend may have a well honed pregnancy radar.

Robo many many people drink while TTC.

OP you are a considerate friend. If your friend isn't immediately thrilled it's not you it's just painful for her.
Can I ask you not to say 'you'll be next', that got old pretty quickly while friends are onto their second babies.

Congratulations 💐

Laiste · 07/08/2018 08:09

It's very tricky about the timing - tell now, tell later ... if you made a big effort you probably could successfully keep it secret from her for another 7 weeks, but ...

my personal feeling is this: if you're quite close and you wait till the 12 weeks scan then by the time you tell her you'll have been keeping the news from her for a long time. (She knows you're actively TTC, so she'll do the maths and instantly work out how long you've known)

If she confides in you about her feelings regularly or sheds a tear in front of you occasionally it might feel a bit horrible for her thinking back to all the weeks you knew you were pregnant and she'd been in the dark and still talking about TTC with you. It's hard to explain, but it could be awkward. That's just my feeling anyway. (And experience a few years ago with SIL actually.)

Original poster

BeeKeeping · 08/08/2018 10:47

Thanks everyone, it worked out perfectly- a few hours after I sent the message she replied. Lots of lovely congratulations and also thanking me for telling her that way 🤗 mumsnet, as always you’ve nailed it 👍🏻

OP posts:

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