Cocaine taking in our home - aibu/wwyd

[Thegreatestdancer]

DD1 (24) and BF (29) had a bbq on sat afternoon for their friends, before a big night out to a gig. DD1 is back with us post uni, we all get on well, they often have friends here and we are happy they do, its her house too. BF has his own flat, she spends loads of time there, but its quite small.

We were out for the afternoon and came back to find one of their friends leaning over 2 lines of coke all ready to go on the kitchen worktop with his girlfriend standing with him presumably waiting for her turn. He was already off his head and barely acknowledged us. Everyone else was outside chilling in the garden.
I was furious that anyone would take class A drugs in our home. Particularly as DS3 (14) and 2 mates were due home at any minute. I asked him to leave, pretty calmly given how angry I felt.
We have had a no drug-taking in our house rule for ever.
DD1 and BF were mortified about their mate and I feel bad for them. As DD1 said theyre not 17, she didn't feel she had to announce 'my parents don't like drugs in the house' as people arrive.
Aibu to feel so angry that this couple would think this was ok? What they do in their own space is their concern. Taking class A drugs in our house is mine never mind potentially there were minors present and the general arguments about broken lives/violence from down the supply chains.
I want to contact them and tell then how invaded I feel and what twats they are, but I know really this would be counter productive.

Its been and gone. Forget it now

honestly I would just leave it, they wont get invited again. Your older children sound great.

I wouldn't contact them, but I would make it crystal clear to your DD that this particular couple are never to set foot on your premises again. If that is embarrassing for her to explain why, then too bad.

We also have a no drug taking rule in our house, especially as dh would have lost his job and pension.

If DD is to have people over again, it might be worth her telling her friends that yours is a no drugs whatsoever house, and if they wish to use, then they have to go elsewhere.

I would be pissed off too, but you won't gain anything from bringing it up again. I imagine they wouldn't care about how you feel anyway, if they did they wouldn't have done it in the first place

Hopefully your DD will reconsider including them in her friendship group since they clearly have no respect for her.

I think your daughter sounds excellent, and like you have a lovely relationship. I’d just leave her to deal with it- I’m sure she’s given them a bollocking, and doubt you would see them invited back anyway.

Maybe if anything, tell your daughter how much you appreciate her honesty and respect for your house rules- and follow up with a casual “I you know you won’t ask those particularl people back again, but your other friends are always welcome”- so the line has been drawn, but in a positive way?

To be honest I would be amazed if your daughter was genuinely surprised and not particularly surprised if she didn't also sometimes take cocaine. If someone in a group does it - and are comfortable taking it openly in the kitchen while the others are close by - then its pretty likely others in the group also do it.

It's really not considered to be a big deal in a lot of groups - often groups that you might be surprised by. Its become totally normalised in many social settings in my experience.

I'd be hitting the roof myself but you really wouldn't achieve anything by saying anything to them I suspect. But I personally would definitely ban them from the house ever.

And I'd definitely tell my daughter to tell everyone that there is a no drugs policy at your house. If she hangs in these types of groups then an announcement is necessary - and to be honest I don't think anyone in such a group would be surprised by it.

DD1 and BF were mortified about their mate and I feel bad for them. As DD1 said theyre not 17, she didn't feel she had to announce 'my parents don't like drugs in the house' as people arrive.

Why couldn't she have told them when she invited them? I would have been bloody furious too. I wouldn't contact them but would make it clear to your daughter they are never to be invited back.

To be honest I would be amazed if your daughter was genuinely surprised and not particularly surprised if she didn't also sometimes take cocaine. If someone in a group does it - and are comfortable taking it openly in the kitchen while the others are close by - then its pretty likely others in the group also do it.

I agree. If they were so openly taking it I'd be very surprised if your DD and her BF didn't know.

Your 24 dd and 29 boyfriend had a 17 year old friend, (12 years difference to bf) about to snort a line of coke, openly in the large'ish kitchen, not even in the privacy of a small downstairs toilet?
All sounds odd.

Or did I get that wrong? The friend wasn't 17. Dd just said 'as we aren't 17', ie less than 18, she didn't think they needed to be told?

I remember being at my then boyfriend’s (now husband’s) friend’s house for a bonfire night party. We were young - still at university.

A bunch of us were in his friend’s bedroom hanging out and chatting when a couple of partygoers waltzed in and starting chopping out lines on the desk without acknowledging anyone at all I was - and am - really naive when it comes to drugs and was completely shocked!

So I guess cokeheads can be a bit shameless when it comes to using in other people’s homes.

I wouldn’t bother contacting them, but I understand how appalled you are.

@Oblomov18 she said they're NOT 17

Sorry, cross posted

Dd1 and bf should be apologising to you and so should their come sniffing friends. I am not too judgementalabout light cannabis use , but would not allow it in my house. I would be very angry to find hard drugs in my house.

I'm surprised your dd let her friends wander around your home, I don't even do that in my parents home (and I grew up there!)

I'm not sure there is much you can do tbh except make sure dd knows they aren't welcome again I'm afraid.

To be honest I would be amazed if your daughter was genuinely surprised and not particularly surprised if she didn't also sometimes take cocaine. If someone in a group does it - and are comfortable taking it openly in the kitchen while the others are close by - then its pretty likely others in the group also do it

I disagree, I have friends who recreationally take coke. They know I hate it and would never be so rude and disrespectful as to bring it to my house.

Also, given your DDs response OP I think it’s unlikely she’s been using it too.

I’d be raging if I was you too, it’s really not acceptable to do that in someone else’s house unless they specifically ask you to.

To be honest I would be amazed if your daughter was genuinely surprised and not particularly surprised if she didn't also sometimes take cocaine. If someone in a group does it - and are comfortable taking it openly in the kitchen while the others are close by - then its pretty likely others in the group also do it.

I don't think OP said her daughter was surprised. I'm not too much older than the daughter in this situation. DP has a friendship group and I know one of them smokes weed and one of them does coke. None of the others do any drugs. I would be incandescent with rage if either of them used drugs in our house, but tbh I wouldn't put it past the coke taker if he got drunk... although I would be secretly glad of an excuse to cut ties.

To be honest I would be amazed if your daughter was genuinely surprised and not particularly surprised if she didn't also sometimes take cocaine. If someone in a group does it - and are comfortable taking it openly in the kitchen while the others are close by - then its pretty likely others in the group also do it.

Yup!

Tell your DD that drug taking in the house is NOT cool and leave it at that. No good will come of dwelling on it.

honestly I would just leave it, they wont get invited again. Your older children sound great

I agree.

To be honest I would be amazed if your daughter was genuinely surprised and not particularly surprised if she didn't also sometimes take cocaine. If someone in a group does it - and are comfortable taking it openly in the kitchen while the others are close by - then its pretty likely others in the group also do it.

I agree. If they were so openly taking it I'd be very surprised if your DD and her BF didn't know.

No. If they are friends it is entirely possible the daughter knows this guy does cocaine but as she said, just assumed he would not do it in her parents' house. You don't need to say "please don't do drugs in inappropriate places" to most normal adults. I have friends who do coke, I don't.

“It's really not considered to be a big deal in a lot of groups - often groups that you might be surprised by. It’s become totally normalised in many social settings in my experience.”

It would be a big deal in my house. And it isn’t normal in my circle.

“Why couldn't she have told them when she invited them?”

Maybe it didn’t occur to her? I wouldn’t tell people not to take drugs in my house drugs because I would assume they wouldn’t be taking any. They can do what they like in their own homes or when out and about. Just not in my house.

People who don't want to be seen doing coke do it off the toilet ceramic/bathroom windowsill/bedside table/anywhere other than a kitchen workshop at a party. These two sound like a couple of puerile showoffs. I think you did the right thing, and I think I'd leave it there.

I think you've handled it well, kept your dignity, made your feelings clear and spoken to DD about it. I'd leave it there now.

@LoniceraJaponica

I'm not saying its not a big deal and that it should be normal. I'm saying that a lot of people do think its normal and its often people who one might not expect. Cocaine has become a very middle class drug.

I would say that your Dd has lost the right to have guests in your home. It doesn’t matter that she is an adult. She has shown incredibly poor judgment in the company she keeps.