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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cocaine taking in our home - aibu/wwyd

70 replies

Thegreatestdancer · 06/08/2018 15:53

DD1 (24) and BF (29) had a bbq on sat afternoon for their friends, before a big night out to a gig. DD1 is back with us post uni, we all get on well, they often have friends here and we are happy they do, its her house too. BF has his own flat, she spends loads of time there, but its quite small.

We were out for the afternoon and came back to find one of their friends leaning over 2 lines of coke all ready to go on the kitchen worktop with his girlfriend standing with him presumably waiting for her turn. He was already off his head and barely acknowledged us. Everyone else was outside chilling in the garden.
I was furious that anyone would take class A drugs in our home. Particularly as DS3 (14) and 2 mates were due home at any minute. I asked him to leave, pretty calmly given how angry I felt.
We have had a no drug-taking in our house rule for ever.
DD1 and BF were mortified about their mate and I feel bad for them. As DD1 said theyre not 17, she didn't feel she had to announce 'my parents don't like drugs in the house' as people arrive.
Aibu to feel so angry that this couple would think this was ok? What they do in their own space is their concern. Taking class A drugs in our house is mine never mind potentially there were minors present and the general arguments about broken lives/violence from down the supply chains.
I want to contact them and tell then how invaded I feel and what twats they are, but I know really this would be counter productive.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 17:15

Honestly OP I would surprised him your DD and others there hadn't used cocaine before. People don't just get their coke out at a BBQ when they know that nobody else at the party has ever used.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 17:15

If not him

Original poster
Thegreatestdancer · 06/08/2018 21:46

Thank you, people. I am glad to hear from most that being angry in that situation would be common. I am surprised about how angry I felt. I think it was their attitude of contempt as much as anything. As most say nothing to be gained by saying more now.
I do know how common social coke is - have a few (not close) friends who occasionally indulge, I just found it so shocking in my house. The others may or may not have known, who really knows. They at least had the grace to be mortified. I doubt very much DD1 does it, may have tried it I suppose. Same with Bf, though he is older and may have had a past, he's a good guy. I've made it very clear they are not welcome again and the absolute rule of no drugs stands.
Thank you so much for all your replies, very much appreciated.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 06/08/2018 21:51

It's really not considered to be a big deal in a lot of groups - often groups that you might be surprised by. Its become totally normalised in many social settings in my experience.

^I don’t know a single person that takes cocaine

IceCreamFace · 06/08/2018 22:09

I agree with PP. I have lots of friends who smoke weed but I wouldn't need to tell them not to do it in my house. Even more so if it was class A drugs.

Trazey · 07/08/2018 04:33

You feel "invaded"? I'm not too sure what this means.

You should leave it. Most people try drugs at some point and assume that others are the same.

RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 05:13

I doubt very much that your daughter didn't know what was going on. I would assume that they're doing at least a bit of coke now and then on this basis.

scaryteacher · 07/08/2018 06:12

Trazey Bit of a sweeping statement there? I don't think that most people do. I would assume that it is not the norm to try drugs.

Gaspodethetalkingdog · 07/08/2018 06:28

Cocaine - how cool - this is what causes the kids stabbing each other in London - modern slavery in the countries where it is produced - violence and killing in Mexico - county lines involving young children.

I cannot believe people are so laid back by this - I would report them to the police

XiCi · 07/08/2018 06:31

Really scaryteacher? I think absolutely that most people try drugs at some point. It's a rite of passage when you are young. I can't think of anyone I know who hasnt at some point and I have a really wide social group.

I'd just leave it now OP. I think you did really well to keep calm. I think I would have lost it knowing there were going to be younger kids around!

mineisarossini · 07/08/2018 06:51

You need to talk to your dd about boundaries.

If her friends want to take class A drugs fine, they do it in their own houses, and never in her parents home. I am struggling to imagine that she did not know this was going on, so I am also surprised she didn't take steps to prevent it. It is totally unacceptable in my house and in my circles too op. This is in no way normal!!!!!

The people that cry this is normal in middle class circles are totally deluding themselves, they are judged very harshly behind closed doors.

What message are they giving their own children and teens? That is okay to take drugs and Mummy does it every Saturday at dinner parties (My dc are not allowed to have playdates at said parents houses full stop, nor do we encourage any kind of friendship with their children) Here at least those parents are socially isolated, although they tend to hang out with their own druggy friends anyway (hence their conclusion it is all fine and normal) It isn't.

Trazey · 07/08/2018 07:02

@scaryteacher

Of course it was a little sweeping. I could be a pain in the arse and point out I didn't use the word 'illegal', but I won't.

Official stats have nearly 40% of 16-59 year olds as trying illegal drugs at some point in their lives. By their own admission, these figures are likely to be on the conservative side. I wasn't far off the 50% majority.

This number has been decreasing since 1996 (the year I graduated). I guess we all think that our lives are somewhat 'normal' and our friends typcal of the wider population. Of those I've grown up with, only a couple would smoke weed (rarely) and the designated driver of our hedonistic years is an on-the-wagon alcoholic.

hungryhippo90 · 07/08/2018 07:06

I’m sorry OP, but your DD was U.

We all know our mates and what kind of stuff they’re liable to get upto, IME I’ve had a few people in my life who I had to pre warn before they went anywhere that their (likely) behaviour wasn’t appropriate. If she knows her mate likes cocaine, what effort would it have taken her to say, please don’t take coke into my parents house, I know you probably won’t. But I just didn’t want there to be an issue.

It doesn’t sit right with me that her friends were doing coke in your kitchen and DD is acting as though she was completely oblivious, she knew what they were upto, why else would she have let both of the couple just be in your house unattended? I understand one person cos they could be going to the toilet. If they had any concern that your DD would be offended at their drug use in your house they’d have been doing it in the bathroom, not brazenly in the kitchen.

GetAwayFromHer · 07/08/2018 07:08

You did the right thing. On a side note bet your neighbours love the cocaine-assisted Saturday afternoon gatherings.

Middle class coke takers piss me off. I bet they're all environmentalists who are appalled by slavery, gang violence and child exploitation

mineisarossini · 07/08/2018 07:09

Trazey That is hardly most people though is it? As some other pp have claimed. It is nowhere near 'most' people. Over 60% have never touched drugs, and in the 16-24 bracket this is decreasing not increasing.

I am going to hazard a guess that it is the 60% of non drug takers that go on to have good jobs and careers, good health and life chances and fulfilled lives. Hardly normal. Hardly most.

GetAwayFromHer · 07/08/2018 07:10

Hungryhippo

I agree. I think it's highly likely your DD knows who is taking coke, OP

Etymology23 · 07/08/2018 07:11

I have friends who take drugs. They all know I have zero desire to take them, and frankly I would REALLY not expect to have to tell them not to take drugs at mine/my parents house. I honestly don’t think it jumps out from this that your daughter will have been taking drugs.

peachgreen · 07/08/2018 07:12

So what if DD does know that her pals take coke? Some of my friends do too. That doesn't mean I do, and I certainly wouldn't expect to have to ask them not to take it at my parents' house!

GetAwayFromHer · 07/08/2018 07:16

peachgreen

I certainly wouldn't expect to have to ask them not to take it at my parents' house!

I'm not sure what this means

Is it because you trust your friends, or because you shouldn't be expected to police their behaviour?

mineisarossini · 07/08/2018 07:16

It would worry my dd was so complacent around such drug taking, and I would assume that she is either involved herself, or has been in the past. Moreover that she is exposed to this regularly as to not care they were in my parents kitchen doing it.

Everyone wants to think the best of their child, but her judgement and boundaries are way off.
The friends she keeps are dubious and could cause her serious problems if they get caught by the police whilst she is with them, especially if she is driving her friends around and the drugs are found in her car she has a very very big problem.

So I hope she hasn't got a career in anything that could be ruined by people like this, whatever job she has/or will have will be totally wrecked by a criminal record for possession of class A drug. So yes she is running a big risk having these people in her life. She is an adult, but she is your house, so you are ultimately responsible.

Chalady · 07/08/2018 07:17

Cokeheads are ignorant twats at the best of times, incredibly boring, & love the sound of their own voice.

You did everyone a favour!

Trazey · 07/08/2018 07:26

@mineisarossin

40% isn't far away from 51% (most).

Having had an excellent education and quite privileged upbringing, most of the people I know doing drugs in the 90s now have excellent jobs, health, fulfilled lives etc.

You sound quite ignorant and sheltered to think that this is such a simple problem with such clearly divided groups. I believe that long term drug use destroys lives. In the short term, no.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 07/08/2018 07:26

Well done OP, you handled it well, I would have done exactly the same, but not sure that I'd have been able to stop the steam escaping from my ears ! 😄

ImAIdoot · 07/08/2018 07:28

*Cocaine - how cool - this is what causes the kids stabbing each other in London - modern slavery in the countries where it is produced - violence and killing in Mexico - county lines involving young children.

I cannot believe people are so laid back by this - I would report them to the police*

I'd be tempted myself, too.

A lot of middle class people are quite invested in their drug abuse and will try to act like it's "normal" or "social", and I know a lot of people use drugs at some point, but knowingly funding the cocaine industry is every bit as bad as (if not worse than) knowingly using trafficked prostitutes.

Assuming you can take this into someone's family home is bonkers.

peachgreen · 07/08/2018 07:32

@GetAwayFromHer Because they'd know better than to take it in such an inappropriate setting.