AIBU to be gobsmacked that SIL feels entitled to put DD in danger

[Sweepouttheashes]

SIL hasn’t spoken to me since Easter, when i called her and her husband out for physically assaulting their child, and calling social services and the police. She and her husband went DARVO about it (Deny, Attack, Reverse Offender and Victim). They live very near us and their children and ours are very close - DH is still spoken to but limits his involvement to facilitating the kids seeing each other.
SIL asked DH the other day if our DD, age 9, could accompany her DD age 7 on a coach trip to see FIL. FIL lives three hours away. Coach doesn’t have a toilet on it, makes multiple stops to pick up passengers/give toilet breaks. No one to supervise the kids, they are totally at the mercy of strangers.
DH and i said no, DD is too young. Too much potential for something to happen to them.
SIL is now having a huge adult tantrum at DH, accusing me of:
Ruining her DDs adventure
Being an uptight, micromanaging helicopter parent
Her tantrums take the form of multiple calls/text to DH and FIL.
WTAF. How can she feel so entitled to put my kid in danger? I know she isn’t normal, and I try not to let her behaviour affect me too much, but honestly, who does this? Even if it is unreasonable not to let your child go unaccompanied on a 3 hour coach trip, its our parenting boundary and it should be respected!!

She sounds insane!

I would be astonished if the coach company even allowed this. Of course YANBU

She seriously thinks a 9 year old and 7 year old are old enough for this?
Some people really are lacking in common sense

@Whyisitnotcompulsory, her last major tantrum (before the nuclear one when we intervened in the physical assault on her DD) was over my sweet, sweet FIL coming out as bisexual (MIL passed sadly 5 years ago) and taking a male partner. Her issue is, according to her, not that he is bi but that he lied her whole life by ‘pretending’ to be straight (eg married to MIL). I can’t even unpack that crazy ness. She is not al all aggro, more dramatic dying swan.

No way would a coach company allow that. That’s madness!

I am gobsmacked you have absolutely anything to do with this woman

What was the outcome of the investigation?

@cloudtree if DH had not supported me (the lack of commonsense runs in their side) my next move was to call the coach company and check/alert them!

Can you call the social worker again and mention this plan? Hopefully then they will realise how 🦇 💩 she is, and never speak to you again which is a bonus.

Meanwhile I assume your DH isn’t leaving your children unsupervised with her?!

You are deffo NBU.

Why aren't they taking their DC to see the relloes themselves?

If the coach company allowed it, that's a safeguarding issue in itself.

When you say she's not 'normal', what do you mean? I just wondering about family support?

Just don't do it..!!

What!? There is no way that would be allowed. There was a case here recently where social services were called in for kids taking the city bus without an adult.

YABU for being gobsmacked.

This is the women who you felt compelled to call social services about? Of course she wants to do totally unacceptable things with your children!

Don’t engage. And obviously don’t let her near your children!

Christ she sounds AWFUL. Don't blame you at all for being low contact - and it's patently absurd of her to suggest that a 7yo and a 9yo could undertake a three hour coach journey on their own. I was 14 before I was allowed to take the train to London on my own, and that was only an hour and a half!

YANBU at all, and I'm so sorry you have the stress of her in your life!

She will never speak to you again, not the SW, obviously

The investigation SUCKED. Because SIL and BIL are white and middle class child services and the cops closed it after one welfare check where SIL and BIL assured them it was a one off misunderstanding. It wasn’t. BIL is verbally abusive and rough, and this time it escalated to my DN being pushed roughly to the ground, skinning both her knees. We (DH, me, FIL) have done interventions before but this was the last straw and we got the authorities in (not that it fecking helped). We are not in UK if that helps make sense of it.
I essentially have nothing to do with her now, which is awkward due to proximity and fact that all members of DH family are close (and generally lovely).

Would the coach company even allow that?!
Surely not!

Absolutely ridiculous. How can she think that’s even remotely reasonable?

It’s threads like this that really baffle me

You are concerned about the coach trip.

And yet you seem fine for your two young daughters to be in the same room as someone you reported to social services.

I see what you mean Caribbean but it would be worse for the niece if she didn’t see her cousins and uncle. Uncle can keep an eye out which protects the child, and why punish the niece for her parents abuse by not letting her play with her cousins.

WTH? She wants a 7 and 9 year old to go on their own on a three hour coach trip? Surely they wouldn't even be allowed on board without an adult! She sounds absolutely mental. I'm glad you maintain some contact with this woman just so you can make sure her kids are OK - I wouldn't leave her in sole charge of my kids though.

As above I’m assuming the children aren’t with the abuser except with dad present, I’d hope so.

Caribbeanyesplease to be fair we don't know what the arrangements are when the cousins see each other - I can easily imagine a perfectly safe outing supervised with their dad. Definitely not the same as putting two young girls alone on a coach!

No that’s right - only when DH is there. He takes them all on outings, or they come and play at ours. The posters above have it - it is so we maintain a relationship with our DNs, and continue to check on their welfare. We made reports to the school, child services and police at the time that remain on file even if no proper action was taken this time - but will report straight away if we suspect anything further.
Both DH and FIL have offered to just drive the girls to FILs, but apparently this spoils the fun adventure.
Re why am concerned about the coach but not the deeper issues, I am, very concerned. The deeper issues have been the subject of other threads in a different name so don’t feel the need to seek advice on them again (but happy to describe if posters want the info).

So you’re possibly in the US. This is a country, where some people think it’s ok to buy mini rifles for 5 yos. Pink for a girl, blue for a boy. Nothing surprises me there.

I’m sorry you have such a batshit sil. Just keep on standing firm and report them if your niece tells you of something else happening.

If you think them being white middle class parents was enough to make doc set back off then I am afraid you are sorely mistaken. The issue is that evidence need to be gathered from numerous sources and incident so keep reporting them
SW do not sweep in and remove immediately without

Which country are you in? I’m wondering if this could be a cultural difference. Obviously you are fine to say no for your DD.

Thinking it’s ok to do this journey is something further to report. I don’t know how it works there, but here that would be noted on the children’s files for future reference. Nothing would be done as your family have handled it already, but it would be logged so that it’s clear in future that any incident isn’t a one-off.