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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fil is over reacting

74 replies

Bexterfish · 05/08/2018 19:59

The other day I had a work emergency and asked my in laws who are staying with us this week if they could watch dd for a couple of hours. Mil had plans (fair enough) but fil said no "because she might need the toilet" My nearly 3yr old is fully toilet trained but if she has poo needs a bit of help to wipe. My fil won't look after her alone because "in this day and age, all it would take would be her to say at nursery that grandad took her to the toilet and id be in prison" aibu to think this is totally over reacting and no one would blink at a man taking his granddaughter to the toilet or think it was inappropriate for him to help her. Mil says she totally understands his concerns but I don't at all. Her dad takes her all the time. I had to beg a friend to take her in the end but I'm kinda annoyed by it. Aibu??? Is it inappropriate?

OP posts:
SoyDora · 05/08/2018 20:01

My dad looks after my just turned 3 year old once a week (every week) and has absolutely no issues taking her to the toilet. They have a great relationship and she loves going.
Your FIL didn’t want to do it and that was his excuse.

HoleyCoMoley · 05/08/2018 20:03

It's a sad world we live in and there would be people who would say they find this inappropriate and report it, sorry but that's how things are now. He is not her dad and I totally see where he is coming from.

SoyDora · 05/08/2018 20:05

there would be people who would say they find this inappropriate and report it

Report what? A grandfather wiping his granddaughters bum after going to the toilet?

Original poster
Bexterfish · 05/08/2018 20:05

I don't think it is an excuse he does seem genuinely freaked out about her going to the loo

OP posts:
Bluelady · 05/08/2018 20:06

I can see exactly where he's coming from and you only have to read some of the threads here to see he's not wrong.

SoyDora · 05/08/2018 20:07

Actually shocked by these answers.
What do you think social services/the police would actually say/do if someone reported a child saying ‘my grandad took me to the toilet and wiped my bum’?

SoyDora · 05/08/2018 20:08

Many grandparents provide childcare.

paintinmyhairAgain · 05/08/2018 20:09

does seem a bit of an extreme reaction on fil part, he obviously has concerns about this, but may be a chat with him on the subject, he obviously feels awkward, was he involved with looking after his own children in this way ?
if he remains anti solo care, it might be better to respect his concerns until she is a bit older.

donquixotedelamancha · 05/08/2018 20:16

I can see exactly where he's coming from and you only have to read some of the threads here to see he's not wrong.

He's not wrong that there are nutters who leap to irrational conclusions, particularly about men. He is wrong to imagine that you can go to prison for wiping a child's bum. By and large the recent concern of child safeguarding is a good thing, and the authorities are not locking up people for no reason.

People in some professions (like mine) need to be a little more cautious, but nowhere near as cautious as he imagines. It's not reasonable to suggest that DFiL is being anything other than silly.

HoleyCoMoley · 05/08/2018 20:21

Soy, maybe a 3 yo wouldn't be that precise and might just say g.d. wipes my bum, some people are very cautious around anything to do with children, plus he may not want to do this, did he take you to the loo op when you were a child. Some people are too scared these days to even help strangers children when they've hurt themselves or have a joke with them.

SoyDora · 05/08/2018 20:26

Soy, maybe a 3 yo wouldn't be that precise and might just say g.d. wipes my bum

I can’t see either the police or social services having an issue with this either.
My best friend’s dad has provided 2 days a week childcare to her 3 year old since she was 12 months old. He helped with toilet training etc.

category12 · 05/08/2018 20:30

He's being daft about the reason.

But he's clearly not comfortable looking after your dd on his own, so that's that.

Moody123 · 05/08/2018 20:30

I see where he is coming from ...
It's not right but it's the world we live in

I think it's awful people have to think these things ! It scares me so much

Notevilstepmother · 05/08/2018 20:32

It’s so sad that he feels like this.

If you need him to have her in an emergency again can you send her with disposable pyjama pants and tell her if she poos she should try to wipe herself and then put on the pyjama pants and you will sort it when you get back? Or is he funny about having her alone anyway? So sad.

SoyDora · 05/08/2018 20:33

To the people saying they can see where he’s coming from... do you have daughters? If so, do their fathers ever do solo childcare/take your children to the toilet/wipe their bum/bath them? If so, how is that different? Would you have the same issues with a grandmother taking their grandson to the toilet and wiping him?

flumpybear · 05/08/2018 20:34

Is that code for 'I don't want to?' Is he a bit lazy/incapable?
Bloody ridiculous!

NewYearNewMe18 · 05/08/2018 20:35

My brother wont bath his grand daughter for the same reason - not appropriate, I have to go over and do it.

Sad world we live in, but you only have to look at the hysteria on half the threads here to know some people see a paedo behind every lamp post.

sockunicorn · 05/08/2018 20:36

i think he is over reacting but i dont think hes unreasonable. thats HIS boundaries. hes protecting himself. Maybe he was accused of something in his past that wasnt true? either way its his choice and hes said no and given a reason. thats not unreasonable

glintandglide · 05/08/2018 20:39

I’d actually be a bit concerned about this. It’s not normal to have these thoughts really, and keep going on about it. I would’ve worried that he has been or is concerned he will be legitimately reported.

Anyway, on the face of it is is strange of course. No one in their right mind would report a grandfather wiping their GDs bottom in the absence of any other concerns

buckeejit · 05/08/2018 20:46

That's awful. I can't imagine a gp feeling like this. Very sad-is there anything in his personal history that has made him feel this way?

I'd let them know how you feel at least

PigletJohn · 05/08/2018 20:47

Is it possible that he is from a generation where fathers didn't get involved much with their own children? Maybe this is one of the things he never got used to.

Original poster
Bexterfish · 05/08/2018 20:48

I should say I trust him 100% and he's never been accused of anything or would he ever ever do anything, he is a bit old fashioned and a daily mail reader which I imagine is where the concern comes from.

OP posts:
Uzicorn · 05/08/2018 20:50

Are you or DH expected to wait on them while they stay with you or do they pull their weight?

Goth237 · 05/08/2018 20:54

I feel sad for him that he feels this way but I absolutely see what he's saying and you need to respect that. As PP said, they are his boundaries and something he's not comfortable doing, move on and find someone else.

Burntofferings0 · 05/08/2018 20:56

Actually most people dont see a peado behind every lamp post.. they have been effected by sexual abuse directly or indirectly and it makes them feel more cautious than those that have not.

My grandfather never bathed or took me to the toilet because of the same thing, I’m 40+ and there was no ‘hysteria’ then.

Have you actually read the stats for child abuse in the u.k? It’s also thought that it’s massivley under reported so the figures would actually be quite higher.

He is not unreasonable to not want to take her to the toilet and clean her intimately. That’s his choice - and no it doesn’t mean he’s been accused of any thing in the past either ffs Hmm