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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think fil is over reacting

74 replies

Bexterfish · 05/08/2018 19:59

The other day I had a work emergency and asked my in laws who are staying with us this week if they could watch dd for a couple of hours. Mil had plans (fair enough) but fil said no "because she might need the toilet" My nearly 3yr old is fully toilet trained but if she has poo needs a bit of help to wipe. My fil won't look after her alone because "in this day and age, all it would take would be her to say at nursery that grandad took her to the toilet and id be in prison" aibu to think this is totally over reacting and no one would blink at a man taking his granddaughter to the toilet or think it was inappropriate for him to help her. Mil says she totally understands his concerns but I don't at all. Her dad takes her all the time. I had to beg a friend to take her in the end but I'm kinda annoyed by it. Aibu??? Is it inappropriate?

OP posts:

glintandglide · 05/08/2018 20:58

There are loads of child sex offenders. Loads and loads and loads. Most people hugely underestimate how many.

Bluetrews25 · 05/08/2018 21:01

I'm sure GF is just being cautious and is not an undiscovered offender.
Would he look after her if you all just accepted that her wiping might not be perfect and let her get on with it herself? After all, how will she learn if not made to do it solo? She is old enough.

winterisstillcoming · 05/08/2018 21:07

I think he shouldn't do something he is not comfortable with, and that should be respected. He was honest with you and I can see that it's a little sad that he takes that view, but he is entitled to think that way. And you are entitled to disagree and find other child care.

XiCi · 05/08/2018 21:09

Your fil is absolutely right to say no if he is not comfortable intimately cleaning your dd and you have no right to be annoyed with him. Saying that her dad takes her is not the same at all.. I would not expect my dad or my fil to do that for my child.

PolkaHots · 05/08/2018 21:13

I would think that a bit weird.

I think those who have concerns about being reported about this kind of stuff are those most likely to be guilty.

Same with those bemoaning ‘the world we live in these days’.

Perfectly normal to take a grandchild to the toilet. Most normal people wouldn’t think twice about it.

trinity0097 · 05/08/2018 21:20

He’s probably never taken a small child to the toilet before. I’d also refuse, I have no experience (no kids) and wouldn’t want my first time to be solo. He’s then assigning a different reason to make it sound less like he just doesn’t want to as he is not competent.

m0therofdragons · 05/08/2018 21:23

My fil refuses to help bath his granddaughters. He freaks out if they strip off or do cartwheels in nightdresses (no knickers). It's weird. Mind you, fil also won't make toast because he's a man

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2018 21:46

I think it's a shame that he feels that way. But there are people who would fly up into the boughs if his DGD innocently said (as a result of wiping) "Grandad touched my bum/my foo foo" or words to that affect.

I don't think it's 'laziness'. I think it's an abundance of caution with a bit of paranoia.

Bluelady · 05/08/2018 21:49

Just asked my husband about this and he's with FiL, says it's entirely different than it was with his daughter.

Camomila · 05/08/2018 21:49

Everyone has different boundaries.

I wonder if it'd be different if it was a boy? Both my parents will happily shower with DS when they look after him (he's 2, he likes showers but can't do it by himself)

Camomila · 05/08/2018 21:50

*if she was a boy! Sounded a bit rude then?

Original poster

Bexterfish · 05/08/2018 21:52

Just because he won't take her doent make him a peado ffs!
I'm not forcing him to do anything, I did find other childcare which was major pita.

OP posts:

Helendee · 05/08/2018 21:53

He's protecting himself and I don't blame him with how things are in this crazy world we inhabit.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2018 21:58

I don't think he's a paedo at all, Bexter. I just think he's living in a world where all too many people jump to too all many conclusions.

It's a bummer that you had to find other childcare, but FiL does have the right to guard himself from a potential unfounded accusation. Unfortunately, this is a situation that neither you nor he can do anything about. Neither of you can control what another person may think or do if your DD made an innocent remark.

FinallyMrsE · 05/08/2018 21:58

My dad does look after my 2 girls as he knows I'd be really stuck, but he is very uncomfortable with toileting and changing nappies etc. It's a bit weird but it's just the way he feels and I do respect it and appreciate he is out of his comfort zone and a bit freaked.

I think yabu to just dismiss this and expect him to just have your daughter regardless of his feelings.

IAmLurkacus · 05/08/2018 22:05

Have you actually read the stats for child abuse in the u.k? It’s also thought that it’s massivley under reported so the figures would actually be quite higher.

Absolutely! Having said that nobody has been put in prison, ever, for wiping their grandchild’s arse!

Any nursery worker who logged ‘I did a poo and grandad wiped my bum’ would be retrained.

FIL is perfectly entitled to his own boundaries if he doesn’t feel comfortable doing that though.

haribosmarties · 05/08/2018 22:21

Would it have been so bad if he hadnt checked her bum wiping? I mean he only had to look after her for a couple of hours... if she can sort of do it herself could you not just have checked it when you got back and cleaned her up then if needed?
Not great obviously but if it really was an emergency then not the end of the world either!
I do think he should get over it though. What would he have done if he had had a daughter? Thats his granddaughter not a random child!

haribosmarties · 05/08/2018 22:23

and I actually think the not comfortable changing nappies thing is generational rather than fear of being labelled a paedo. It just seems odd to older men because its not what theyd have actually been expected to do back in the day so they feel awkward doing it.

Original poster

Bexterfish · 05/08/2018 22:29

Haribosmarties he does have a daughter. i don't think he did nappies back then do who knows about toilets. To be honest I wouldn't have minded if on the off chance shed done a poo (she didn't) he hadn't wiped her but shed have probably demanded he did and she's pretty hard to say no to.
Grandad help me
No
Plleeeease grandad i did poo
No people might think bad things do it yourself.
!!

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 05/08/2018 22:44

Ironically glintandglide proves the fil point.

WeShouldBeFriends · 05/08/2018 22:49

My dad was looking after my toddler dd once while dh and I were away for the weekend and had to give her a suppository as she developed a fever and would not take calpol!

WeShouldBeFriends · 05/08/2018 22:50

^^it's called childcare

Gottokondo · 05/08/2018 22:52

I kind of agree with granddad. My dad was questioned because he was the one that always bathed me in the evening. My mum wasn't present (probably cooking dinner or whatever) and the school reported it. My dad didn't touch me after that (literally, he didn't even hand me something or hug me on my birthday) till I was 16. For the record: he was totally innocent. He bathed me because I needed a bath. Nothing inappropriate ever happened. It scared the wits out of my parents though. It also gives a weird family dynamic if two of the four people do not touch in any way for many years. Some people are just really weird about naked children.

Barbaro · 05/08/2018 23:06

Its so sad that he thinks this way, but he is right. Someone stupid could take it badly, be 'offended' by it and cause trouble. It only takes one idiot to spoil it for the rest.

My dad would like to volunteer at like scouts or something, but he won't because he knows what people are like now and what they will say. It's not true of course and he'd be brilliant as all kids think he's really funny, but all it takes it one person to decide to cause trouble and you've had it.

It's a sad world we live in now.

Original poster

Bexterfish · 05/08/2018 23:15

Gottokondo but who on earth took issue with your dad giving your a bath? My husband always bathes my dd, because I hate getting wet and he finds it funny that she splashes him. Ours a bloody sad state of affairs if a dad can't bath his own kids anymore. Im going away for 2weeks soon, my husband will bathe her wipe her bum and getting her dressed, Like he often does anyway. Nothing wierd about it.

OP posts:

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