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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think fil is over reacting

74 replies

Bexterfish · 05/08/2018 19:59

The other day I had a work emergency and asked my in laws who are staying with us this week if they could watch dd for a couple of hours. Mil had plans (fair enough) but fil said no "because she might need the toilet" My nearly 3yr old is fully toilet trained but if she has poo needs a bit of help to wipe. My fil won't look after her alone because "in this day and age, all it would take would be her to say at nursery that grandad took her to the toilet and id be in prison" aibu to think this is totally over reacting and no one would blink at a man taking his granddaughter to the toilet or think it was inappropriate for him to help her. Mil says she totally understands his concerns but I don't at all. Her dad takes her all the time. I had to beg a friend to take her in the end but I'm kinda annoyed by it. Aibu??? Is it inappropriate?

OP posts:

FASH84 · 05/08/2018 23:16

My dad is retired and has DN every week for one day, they get on brilliantly and no one had those kinds of concerns , although she has taken on some slightly old man tendencies (talks about the weather!) . Either your FIL reads the daily mail too much or he's not comfortable looking after a child of that age on his own and that's his excuse.

BertrandRussell · 05/08/2018 23:19

He's obviously been reading Mumsnet. Can't blame the poor aod

Haworthia · 05/08/2018 23:42

I agree he’s probably never taken a small child to the toilet before / wiped a child’s bottom, and doesn’t want to start now.

SpottingTheZebras · 05/08/2018 23:57

He obviously doesn't feel happy looking after her and he is under no obligation to do so. I appreciate it was inconvenient for you but I would only want my children looked after by someone who was willing and able to do so.

Skittlesandbeer · 06/08/2018 00:12

So he’s weighed his needs (to avoid a tiny risk of being wrongly accused of something improper) against the kid’s needs (for help) and your need (for help). In that calculation you & her needs should have won out by a mile.

He’s mean, rude, lazy, selfish and a bad houseguest. If he can’t manage to pull together for family in a tight pinch, he’d probably be best staying in an Airbnb next time. I’d be very clear (and icily calm) on that point!

RebelRogue · 06/08/2018 00:59

I think this thread has proven his point somewhat. There have already been some veiled accusations and name calling based on just one incident.
Mean and rude indeed..

TheDarkPassenger · 06/08/2018 01:00

My partner bathes our daughter every single night. Sometimes they just hop in the shower together! That’s crazy! (Reason is I work evenings and when I’m off I just genuinely don’t like doing it I can be loading the dishwasher or cooking food)

Back to OP..
My dad is funny about my little girl going toilet too.. he wasn’t hands on with me and he’s very traditional (eg. He would rather buy me a car than give me a hug) he only has her on his own now she’s older, same with my other kids(boys) though, for him it’s not about being accused, he’s just uncomfortable with it, and I wouldn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable when they’re watching my kids for me

Bluelady · 06/08/2018 07:34

MN is obsessed with boundaries and posters fight to the death to ensure theirs are respected but a grandparent sets out theirs and they're "mean, rude, selfish and lazy".

paintinmyhairAgain · 06/08/2018 07:41

blue agree totally. there are p on here being very judgy when they do not know your fil and that is hardly fair is it ? also op what the hell has reading the 'daily mail' got to do with anything ?

Zommum · 06/08/2018 07:41

My FIL won't change nappies or wipe bums, it's a not going near poo issue.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/08/2018 07:44

I agree with people saying he just didn't want to help you out. Particularly as it was an emergency, I think he was being a bit mean.

Confusedbeetle · 06/08/2018 07:53

I dont think this is anything to do with child protection. I think its more likley he never was involved in his own childrens bottom wiping and he just doesnt want to do it.my oh will leave all grandchildrens bottom wiping to me because he can. A whole generation got away with it and arent going to change now

RebelRogue · 06/08/2018 07:55

Wasn't there a MIL thread here recently where one of the thing OP objected to and found "odd" was that grandma wanted to give the baby a bath?

SpiritedLondon · 06/08/2018 07:55

I think it’s dependent on the man and how involved they were in childcare with their own children. I would never ask my own dad to look after a 3 year old as he would not be comfortable with any part of that. My FIL did look after my DD when she was three for a little bit but only the fun bit - the playing - and wouldn’t have gone near anything involving bottoms. My step-dad on the other hand absolutely loved kids and looked after all his grandchildren. I was always perfectly happy leaving my DD with him - including the bum wiping aspects. He was a Dr so maybe he was more comfortable about bodies but actually it was more his wonderful attitude to children that made it ok.

idontknowwhattosay · 06/08/2018 08:13

I think this thread might have proved his point, there have been a few posters allude to the fact that him feeling this way makes him more likely to be a predator..
The man is allowed to say he is not comfortable with taking his small granddaughter to the toilet.

AngelsSins · 06/08/2018 08:35

My brother wont bath his grand daughter for the same reason - not appropriate, I have to go over and do it

Sad world we live in, but you only have to look at the hysteria on half the threads here to know some people see a paedo behind every lamp post

So your brother isn’t hysterical, but women on mumsnet are? Brilliant, why don’t we put them blame firmly where it belongs, on paedophilles. If they didn’t abuse children, no one would have to worry.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 08:54

My DDs are older now, but my Dad would have been and was fine to be left with them if we were going out for a few hours.

Not during the wearing nappy days...but a 3 year old he'd be fine with and would have no issue wiping her bum.

I do remember my Dsis saying that once her DC was toilet trained, the nursery were not allowed to wipe her bottom if she did a poo for safeguarding reasons.

It was when my Dsis went to pick her up from nursery and the nursery worker said...[DN] seems to have been uncomfortable since she went to the toilet...she may need wiping properly but we arebt allowed to. So she was itchy and uncomfortable..but they left her like that. She was around 3 at the time too. The world's gone mad and made people so scared of doing normal things.

If nursery staff could be accused...then a family member could equally be accused.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 08:57

Wasn't there a MIL thread here recently where one of the thing OP objected to and found "odd" was that grandma wanted to give the baby a bath

That was a totally different situation. The MIL wanted to spend more alone time with her GC ...bathing and taking him to see her friends are some of the things she wanted to do.

The DIL didn't like her MIL and was annoyed/irritated she kept asking for alone time with her GC.

Cherubfish · 06/08/2018 09:02

Really surprised by all the responses on this thread supporting the FIL. Surely loads of grandparents provide childcare without this being an issue?

BertrandRussell · 06/08/2018 11:15

The pils have obviously been reading Mumsnet.
In very recent days, 3 separate MILs have been suspected of being paedophiles for accidentally allowing grandchildren to see her naked on the way to the shower, kissing babies on the lips and wanting to give a baby grandchild a bath. So I can see why the fil might be worried if he's aware of that bonkersness

MariaMadita · 06/08/2018 11:22

That's adorable!!

I think your FIL is being a bit OTT.

But he is a man and for men of this generation... And when you add to that how some people are very quick to think the worst of other (whereas others walk around blind and presume the best when they really shouldn't)?

I still think he's being overly cautious but that it's somewhat understandable.

And anyhow, whether he's just lazy or whether it's a genuine boundary... It's his right to say no.

Not much you can do about it.

MariaMadita · 06/08/2018 11:24

But he is a man and for men of this a certain* generation...

My father would do it, my grandfather certainly wouldn't have.
Wouldn't have even occured to him, I suspect...

Echobelly · 06/08/2018 11:28

People do realise that this mania about men touching children who aren't their immediate child = women have to do all children's intimate care in every setting? Bonkers and not fair to anyone.

Original poster

Bexterfish · 07/08/2018 09:42

Sandyy2k that's totally stupid and no way with me dd go to a nursery unable yup care for her properly. Her nursery also had a male manager who toilets girls in the same way all the rest of the staff (female) take the boys.... is normal meeting the needs of the children

OP posts:

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