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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let in-laws take our DD?

54 replies

Pettyspaghetti · 05/08/2018 11:58

So bit of background, DH and his family have had a huge falling out over the past 18 months. This included death threats from one brother, and his other brother completely disowning his. This is mainly down to MIL shit stirring between DH and his brothers. I’ve pushed DH to start visiting his DM and “death threat” brother, as they are still his family, and I know he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if anything happened to his Mum and they weren’t speaking. Death threat brother has autism, so in the end we took the death threats with a pinch of salt. After the initial threats he pretended as if nothing had happened, and was fairly normal with DH. I do not visit them, but I’m happy for DH and DD to visit to help build a relationship. The relationship between the three of them is a still a bit strained, but it’s improved a lot from what it was 6 months ago.
So, the AIBU.
Death threat brother phoned DH yesterday, asking if he could take our DD (5) to disowning brothers house, which is roughly 50 miles away. DH said no, DD hasn’t seen disowning brother, his wife, and children in over 2 years, so most likely doesn’t even remember them! DH also said that he’s not confortable with DD being that far away without her mum or dad, and we (mainly DH) have been told that we’re not welcome in their house ever again. This has caused death threat brother to kick off, calling DH spiteful, out of order, and not putting DD first. I know DD would have hated it, and would have missed us! I don’t like the thought of her being that far away without me, just in case anything was to go wrong. She also can’t remember disowning brother, so she would have felt very shy and not herself.
Because of this, it’s caused another huge family drama. Were we BU to not let her go?

OP posts:
deste · 05/08/2018 12:01

No, absolutely not.

Xcisco · 05/08/2018 12:03

No way Jose, yanbu!

Chickychoccyegg · 05/08/2018 12:03

you weren't being unreasonable at all, your dh family sound a very hard work and very dramatic.

Duskqueen · 05/08/2018 12:04

YANBU, that is a long way for her to be without either of you, for a relative she doesn't know, if to disowning brother wants to see her, why doesn't her travel up to he mum's and then they have her for a couple of hours, then you can pick her up, rather than taking her all that way with someone who likes to shit stir and someone who made death threats. I would be very uncomfortable with that.

Angrybird345 · 05/08/2018 12:04

No. Go lc or nc with them.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 05/08/2018 12:05

YANBU. They sound bloody awful.

StepBackNow · 05/08/2018 12:05

I think it was better when you were no contact with him.

UghFletcher · 05/08/2018 12:05

YADNBU

I would be going NC with the lot of them

haribosmarties · 05/08/2018 12:07

so someone who threatened you with death wants to take a 5 year old alone to see some people she hasnt seen in years and possibly has no memory of??
err.... no?
Thats mental! No way is that okay!

Uzicorn · 05/08/2018 12:08

YANBU at all.

How did MIL shit stir? Was disowning DB also at fault? If not, maybe DH could visit disowning bro himself with DD to build bridges?

mostdays · 05/08/2018 12:08

Yanbu at all!

You would BU, in my opinion, not to seriously rethink your relationship and contact with the lot of them. They sound dreadful.

Original poster
Pettyspaghetti · 05/08/2018 12:09

Thanks for the replies! Glad to know I’m not being “spiteful” Hmm. In-laws have a funny way of making us feel inferior and try to treat us like children. We’re almost 30, but it always seems like a battle when it comes to our DD! I’ve gone lc/ borderline NC as I can see them for what they really are, toxic. I did mention that if disowning brother was down at MILs then DD could absolutely go round, and when DH said this to brother the answer was “this isn’t about you, stop being pathetic”. You’d think HE was the parent.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 05/08/2018 12:10

No way should she go.

Cornishclio · 05/08/2018 12:13

No way should you let her go. Autism or not the brother sounds awful. I would question whether it is worth pursuing a relationship with your DH family. They sound awful

Original poster
Pettyspaghetti · 05/08/2018 12:17

Sorry if this is drip feeding, but I’ll explain the shit stirring. MIL was ill, and DH had arranged to see her in hospital. MIL told DH “no, don’t worry about coming as I don’t know what’s going on. I’ll phone you tomorrow and see what’s happening”. MIL then got on the phone to disowning brother almost immediately, telling him how disgusted she was with DH as she couldn’t even be bothered to visit her in hospital... DH had already bought flowers to take up! Disowning brother then messaged DH saying that he was sick of him, he’s behaved disgustingly and he doesn’t want to see him again. He’s not welcome in his house etc etc. DH did tell disowning brother that MIL told him not to go and was going to arrange something the following day, but disowning brother said that he was “full of shit”.
The fall out initially happened when DH owed MIL money. This was paid off as soon as the fall out happened, but MIL still likes to bring it up all the time.
When it comes to death threat brother, he wanted to see DD. He messaged me and DH. I didn’t reply as DH said he would. DH forgot to reply, death threat brother then messaged me a load of abuse about being ignorant etc and that's when the death threats towards DH happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pettyspaghetti · 05/08/2018 12:18

In-laws eh? Confused

OP posts:
TheMadGardener · 05/08/2018 12:19

Why are you encouraging your DH to keep trying to build bridges with family members who treat him like crap and are abusive? I wouldn't want him to keep taking DD to visit abusive people either. Go NC with them, doesn't sound like DH will miss them and your DD will be better off without these people in her life. Block their numbers if they ring with abuse.

Piffle11 · 05/08/2018 12:25

Absolutely no way! And if MIL is a shit stirrer, why do you want to try to get your DH to keep in touch with her? These people are toxic and will bring nothing but more grief to your family. It seems as though the 3 of them want contact with your DD, but without you and DH involved … this is weird and controlling - like they want to try and hurt you both by doing it. What if they start saying things to her about you both? We are NC with a close member of MIL's family, and every now and again she tries to get DS to see them: she's sneaky about it though, pretending she's going to take him out and then gets all evasive about where they are going and who will be there. As far as I am concerned, if DH and I are NC, then our DC are NC too. What MIL's relative did affects DH, and so it affects me and our DC. What your DH's family have done affects you all. Keep your young and impressionable child away from these nutters. The thing with autism too is that behaviour becomes unpredictable: do you really want someone like that looking after your DD? And I say that as someone who has a DC with autism.

titchy · 05/08/2018 12:25

What madgardener said....

MrsDarcyIwish · 05/08/2018 12:25

Good god, they are absolutely barking.

YADNBU.

Thissameearth · 05/08/2018 12:26

I don’t think you should have “pushed” your husband to re-initiate contact. The “Couldn’t live with himself if anything happened” is such a nonsense argument for propping up a draining and damaging relationship. Ceasing contact with someone who behaved in the way that his mother and brothers did was a sound and reasonable reaction to how they chose to react. If anything happened then the lack of contact was down to them acting like people that no one would want contact with. And if you wouldn’t want to be around that person when they’re alive and well then what is there to regret when they’re gone, other than regret that they’re not the nice, stable and supportive people that you wish they could have been?

Piffle11 · 05/08/2018 12:28

Just read your update … people like your MIL love to be able to bitch about how badly treated they are - even though she was orchestrating it all herself. And the bit about bringing up the owed money … she isn't going to change, you know. If your DD is in touch with these people she will be getting told how her DF doesn't care about DGM and how badly she's been treated by him … she's already got an emotional hold over your DH, so please don't let her get one on your DD too.

NameChangedAgain18 · 05/08/2018 12:29

To be honest, I don’t know why you pushed for your DH to resume contact in the first place. Stop being a pacifier and put your own family first.

PositivelyPERF · 05/08/2018 12:32

Stop encouraging your poor husband to have contact with these arse holds! I know you think you’re doing the best for him, but you’re making things worse for the poor man. He’s tried distancing himself from him and you’ve effectively told him he’s doing something wrong, while YOU have nothing to do with them! His head must be all over the place. Tell him you have made a mistake and will support him if he wants to go low or no contact. Hopefully he’ll get away from the fuckers and you can have a happy family.

AveABanana · 05/08/2018 12:32

WTF would you encourage anyone to have a relationship with this people?
WTF would you even consider exposing your DD to them?