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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let in-laws take our DD?

54 replies

Pettyspaghetti · 05/08/2018 11:58

So bit of background, DH and his family have had a huge falling out over the past 18 months. This included death threats from one brother, and his other brother completely disowning his. This is mainly down to MIL shit stirring between DH and his brothers. I’ve pushed DH to start visiting his DM and “death threat” brother, as they are still his family, and I know he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if anything happened to his Mum and they weren’t speaking. Death threat brother has autism, so in the end we took the death threats with a pinch of salt. After the initial threats he pretended as if nothing had happened, and was fairly normal with DH. I do not visit them, but I’m happy for DH and DD to visit to help build a relationship. The relationship between the three of them is a still a bit strained, but it’s improved a lot from what it was 6 months ago.
So, the AIBU.
Death threat brother phoned DH yesterday, asking if he could take our DD (5) to disowning brothers house, which is roughly 50 miles away. DH said no, DD hasn’t seen disowning brother, his wife, and children in over 2 years, so most likely doesn’t even remember them! DH also said that he’s not confortable with DD being that far away without her mum or dad, and we (mainly DH) have been told that we’re not welcome in their house ever again. This has caused death threat brother to kick off, calling DH spiteful, out of order, and not putting DD first. I know DD would have hated it, and would have missed us! I don’t like the thought of her being that far away without me, just in case anything was to go wrong. She also can’t remember disowning brother, so she would have felt very shy and not herself.
Because of this, it’s caused another huge family drama. Were we BU to not let her go?

OP posts:

Original poster

Pettyspaghetti · 05/08/2018 12:34

That is true. I suppose I just thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to be seen as that DIL who keeps the son and grandchild away from the “doting” MIL. I’m trying to be fair and non biased, trying to let DD have a relationship with DHs side of the family. But you’re all absolutely right, it’s probably the worst thing I could have done given the circumstances. When DH does visit he’s under strict instructions not the let DD out of his sight, but it shouldn’t be that way.
We keep giving them chances, but as soon as DH doesn’t do as they say, the kick off and start world war 3/4/5.

OP posts:

QueenOfCatan · 05/08/2018 12:37

Honestly, your DH needs to step up and go NC with them all for your DDs sake. This isn't fair on her at all and she will get caught up in it, I'm astounded that you are encouraging it too but I can somewhat understand it. My DH has family members we are VLC with but if they ever threatened anything my DD would not set foot in their houses again.

MissP103 · 05/08/2018 12:38

The stupidest thing you've done is 'push' your dh and more importantly your dd into what seems like a toxic family situation. Why,just why??
It's his own situation to manage with them. Look at it now, another situation has come about because you've forced this .

Rollonweekend · 05/08/2018 12:38

Why would anyone demand to see a five year old child without either of her parents present. That is odd and unreasonable.

Original poster

Pettyspaghetti · 05/08/2018 12:39

Oops, don’t want it to come across like I’m an overbearing wife! It probably has after the argument with death threat brother, MIL got in touch saying how upset she was as she hadn’t seen “HER GD” for ages. I suggested to DH that he phone DD and let her speak to MIL. While they were speaking MIL asked DD when she was going to see her, (sly!). DD then arranged it on her own, saying that she wanted to go round on x day at x time. And it’s spiralled from there. DH will take DD round twice a month. I am regretting it now, as I didn’t think that DH minded. I thought the opposite! I thought he was only got NC with them because of how I felt, as I’d told him that I would not be seeing them again. I didn’t even think that I was pushing him to do something he didn’t want to do. Shit

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 05/08/2018 12:40

Life's too short. You don't need this toxic nonsense in your lives. The way to go is NC.

misskatamari · 05/08/2018 12:42

God, they sound awful. I'd be going very low or non-contact, and support dh in this. It must be so stressful for you all dealing with them, especially dh.

Wdigin2this · 05/08/2018 12:42

No way would I let my 5 year old child be take away like that. And to be honest, they all sound iffy to me, so probably you and your family are better off without them in your lives!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/08/2018 12:43

Forget NC. I'd move if possible. As far away as possible and then I'd keep my whereabouts absolutely secret.

Original poster

Pettyspaghetti · 05/08/2018 12:45

It’s hard for me to understand, as I’ve got an amazing relationship with my family, and my DM treats DH as her own. It’s difficult for me to grasp that someone’s own mother would treat their own child like shit and be a terrible mother on purpose. I’ve been very naive, clearly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pettyspaghetti · 05/08/2018 12:46

Funny you should say that, we are planning on buying our own house in the next 2 years hopefully. I’ve always said not to tell them when we do move.

OP posts:

flumpybear · 05/08/2018 12:49

I'd calll the MIL out on that it's her fault! Well your DH should, not you
As for the child, not a chance should she be driven by that brother as he's clearly unhinged about the situation - he needs to back off

Bibesia · 05/08/2018 12:51

I can't see why there's any discussion about this. If it were me, as soon as death threat brother asked, I'd simply have asked why on earth he though I would entrust my child to someone who had been threatening to kill me. Whether he meant it or not, he needs to realise that there are consequences for his actions.

Wdigin2this · 05/08/2018 12:51

Do it then, and make sure it's nowhere near any of them!

Nanny0gg · 05/08/2018 12:52

Why on earth are you encouraging any sort of relationship with them?

borlottibeans · 05/08/2018 12:52

Speaking as the wife of a man with a terrible abusive family it took me a long time to really get that having no contact with them was the best option. I never really pushed as I thought it was none of my business but I did think privately that cutting off your own family was an awful thing, because like you I have a very good relationship with my own. You need to let go of the idea that they are decent people who just disagree about something - these are toxic people who will always treat your DH badly and don't do anything with his best interests at heart.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 05/08/2018 12:55

This exactly. You need to have your DH and DD as your priority and consider what is best for them. Your DH probably feels the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and you have likely added to that, albeit unintentionally but it was thoughtless.

There is no point responding to such toxic people as you would to non toxic people. It is not good for children to be exposed to that kind of dynamic and think it is normal or an acceptable way to behave. Do you want your DD to be trying to keep on the right side of these people. As her parents you and DH need to protect her and keep her out of abusive environments. She is not a pawn, don't let them treat her like one.

Hope you all find a way forward.

diddl · 05/08/2018 12:56

"It’s difficult for me to grasp that someone’s own mother would treat their own child like shit and be a terrible mother on purpose. "

You don't have to "grasp" it!

You can see your husband being treated like shit but want him to have a relationship with them?

And your daughter??!!

Support him to have very little or preferably nothing to do with the.

Uzicorn · 05/08/2018 13:04

OP, just tell DH that he was right about having no to little contact with his family and you would like to go back to that if he would too.

Both DBs sound toxic, I wouldn't let dd go to either.

HairyHiker · 05/08/2018 13:06

Nope, you were not being unreasonable at all.

I would cut contact with the lot of them, they sound horrendous!
Concentrate on your own little family unit.

UpstartCrow · 05/08/2018 13:08

I think you need to realise that your DH has better alarms and boundaries than you do.

Support him and go NC straight away.

VickyEadie · 05/08/2018 13:13

so someone who threatened you with death wants to take a 5 year old alone to see some people she hasnt seen in years and possibly has no memory of??
err.... no?
Thats mental! No way is that okay!

This.

Also, your child, your choice. No-one else has any right to demand access.

Oldraver · 05/08/2018 13:20

I was thinking the same as others when I read your OP..why on earth did you push your DH to maitain contact with such toxic people. Anyone who made death threats to me would never see my family again.

Your poor DH is probably wishing he could cut off contact but here you are pushing it on him. I think you need to have a word and see what he actually wants to do . It can be hard facing up to the fact you need to go NC. He needs your support if that's how he feels.

And remember toxic parents dont usually stop being toxic around GC's. At some point their bile will be directed toward your DD or at you via DD

BagelGoesWalking · 05/08/2018 13:54

I really dislike the whole attitude of "family is family no matter what".

They're people, some are nice, some are not and some are toxic and batshit crazy. You obviously talk to your DH about this a lot, maybe you need to revisit the whole contact issue and see what he really feels about it.

I know there's a wish to keep contact because of your DD but, when she's older, would you be happy with her visiting MiL on her own?

BarbarianMum · 05/08/2018 13:55

Support your dh in putting in place boundaries as to what behaviour he's prepared to tolerate from his nasty family, don't push him to treat them as if they have good relationship - that's neither fair, nor healthy nor kind.

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