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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No birthday present

75 replies

Paddington23 · 04/08/2018 22:32

Partner has been working 24/7 for past 3 months so wasn’t sure if we would do anything other than dinner for my birthday. His mum has now popped back home so have driven up to see her instead didn’t mind at all I love his mum and a weekend away was needed. Little bit of me was like he can’t take time off to go to the theatre with me on a Friday night but can spend the whole weekend with his mum. For months I’ve been giving birthday hints and told him that I don’t expect anything but it’s the thought that counts. He’s managed to save up 5,000 recently so money’s not an issue. We’ve been out shopping all day and I brought myself a few bits but not once did he suggest he get it for my birthday. He’s mentioned that as he doesn’t want anything for his birthday why should he buy me something. I kept saying I didn’t expect a present just a nice day maybe breakfast in bed or something thoughtful. Where at the hotel just a cheap chain and he’s got no card for me or any gift I’m spending the day tomorrow with his mum and family I’ve never met instead of mine. I’m feeling really bad after I kept bringing up my birthday and he snapped saying he was sorry he hasn’t got me a card he just hasn’t had time this week not home till 8 from work not taking a lunch break. I’ve had my hopes up maybe he’s planned something but he definitely hasn’t. After shopping and arriving at the car he went back for a wee he took ages and I assumed he had gone to get the bag I liked he didn’t. Also after are really lovely lunch he put it on the joint account and then said during our argument that we had gone for lunch. He’s always been amazing with birthdays in the past always a really lovely card a nice dinner or maybe a gift nothing ever huge but always thoughtful

OP posts:

LouHotel · 04/08/2018 22:36

That is shit, he could at least have ordered a bloody moon pig card if he hasn't been able to leave his office, which is bullshit by the day.

I would be deeply upset and would want an apology.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 04/08/2018 22:46

Sorry, your partner is a prick. A thoughtless prick. He did nothing because he knew he could get away with it. Why did you tell him you expected little to nothing for your birthday? Why are you visiting his family on your birthday?

You deserve much better.

Chickychoccyegg · 04/08/2018 22:52

that's rubbish, my dh has gradually over the years got a bit rubbish at gifts, but does get a card / small gift from the kids and either breakfast/lunch or dinner out, since he's not fussed he thinks I should feel the same, so I know how you feel.
I would be annoyed at the lack of effort, not even a card is not nice at all , tell him again how it makes you feel, maybe he'll have a surprise for you tomorrow x

Original poster

Paddington23 · 04/08/2018 22:53

His mum lives in Another country and has popped back to sort out bits before she moves out there. Was only weekend we could do. I said I expected something thoughtful said money isn’t everything. Plus 2 years ago he spent shit loads on me in London and Christmas he’s brought me expensive items which although I love something thoughtful would be great.

OP posts:

KC225 · 04/08/2018 23:00

Sorry OP. How disappointing, my DH did something similar for my birthday. Like you - I think it's not about the money, its about the effort and the thought. If he had been great in the past, what has changed? Why the lack of effort this year?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/08/2018 23:01

In your OP, Paddington, you said that you 'didn't expect anything' and then in your later post that you 'expected something thoughtful'. I don't know what the situation is here but if he was a thoughtful and generous gift-giver - and now is not - there is something else afoot here.

You put a lot of store by gifts, I think. Find a partner who also likes this sort of thing.

BackforGood · 04/08/2018 23:03

Partner has been working 24/7 for past 3 months

Give the man a break!
(An unpopular view on MN, I know).

ShumpaLumpa · 04/08/2018 23:14

I would get the train home.

Why are you putting up with his nasty attitude and making an effort for his family on your birthday?

He's a selfish twat.

Mustd0somethings00n · 04/08/2018 23:20

Who is paying for the hotel ? Even if he was working non stop, surely he could have bought some chocolates, flowers or booked a day out to spend together in the future. No thought put into this !

FlyingMonkeys · 04/08/2018 23:25

Didn't you post yesterday that he's saving up to buy a new kitchen as you share a mortgage? (I read it then). Is that why he's working 24/7 And saved 5k? You also talked about your birthday. You fully expected to go for dinner, visit his mum, and nothing flashy. Which is what you'd insisted to your friends you wanted? I can get it's upsetting when he's spent a fortune on you in the past, but now you've purchased a home and you've stated your friends have said he should pay for everything... You may have to consider what the priorities are? And discuss expectations as a couple. The reality is you both need to be on the same page perhaps? Hope you had a lovely meal and enjoy your hotel stay.

LockedOutOfMN · 04/08/2018 23:36

I find your post quite confusing, OP. Sometimes you seem to contradict yourself, saying wasn’t sure if we would do anything other than dinner for my birthday but then little bit of me was like he can’t take time off to go to the theatre with me on a Friday night but can spend the whole weekend with his mum .

It's a shame he didn't get you a card, as you told him you wanted one and as previous posters have said he could have ordered one online or made one.

Is this a dealbreaker for you or just a whinge on MN (to which you're perfectly entitled, not least on your birthday) ?

cameltoeflappyflapflap · 04/08/2018 23:38

That's shit OP.

I would drive home and spend your birthday with your family.

Graphista · 04/08/2018 23:49

As its a change in his usual - I'd be suspicious to be honest.

With my now exh we'd always celebrated anniversaries and birthdays etc - very much his thing. In the last 6 months of our marriage during which he was having the affair that ended it...

He started "working late" (he'd NEVER worked late, he was a lazy sod frankly, total clock watcher)

Picking petty arguments

Stopped making an effort inc 'forgetting' 2 anniversaries and barely making an effort for my birthday.

When someone (male or female) is not big on birthdays etc that's one thing, when it's a CHANGE that's dubious to my mind.

It does not take a lot of effort, tons or even money to organise a card, flowers, chocolates.

FlyingMonkeys · 05/08/2018 00:08

Umm... OP posted yesterday regarding her DP working his bollocks off in his field and is now on substantially higher pay than her and saving for a new kitchen in the property they've bought. OP states she owns lions share of property (legally ring-fenced). OP's friends believe that her DP should 'pay for everything as he earns more', OP vehemently disagreed as doesn't want to be 'kept woman'. Stated she knew she was going to visit his mum stay in hotel this weekend (then expected breakfast in bed?), no fancy plans plus nice London dinner (which she's had). Then upset she hasn't got a 'thoughtful gift' (like her previous expensive Christmas/birthday ones - pre saving for a new kitchen). I think the moral of the story is you can't have everything all of the time? 😯

BunsOfAnarchy · 05/08/2018 00:25

My husband doesn't ever want gifts or cards for his birthday. This has never deterred me from still buying him stuff. And it has never ever deterred him from buying me a card and a present for my birthday either.
Even when i was having Hyperemisis during pregnancy and had to cancel dinner plans and a weekend trip away for his bday, i still moonpigged a card and got a gift from amazon. Its the intention to do it.

Sorry OP. I think he needs a good talking to. Because its about the thought and the effort. The idea that someone has taken time out of their daily grind to take you out or even to nip to a 24 hour asda to get you a card just after finishing work. Its the thought.

He sounds quite cold. Yes he's been working 24/7 for 3 months, but even a moonpig card takes 5 mins to order! You could work every hour of the day and still find a couple mins for your partner IF the intention is there. Sadly it is not.

Talk to him. Tell him how u feel.

FlyingMonkeys · 05/08/2018 00:32

@BunsofAnarchy OP is spending the weekend in a hotel in London and has been out for a lovely dinner (she's got the hump that her DP didn't use his kitchen fund savings for their new house to buy her a handbag (designer?), and they're staying in a 'chain hotel'). I doubt a moonpig card would rock her world.

CherryPavlova · 05/08/2018 00:35

You’ve given very mixed messages and he’s taken them literally ( which men tend to do). You should have been more explicit and said for my birthday I want/ expect....... I will be very unhappy if you don’t mark my birthday in some way.

BunsOfAnarchy · 05/08/2018 00:49

Agh @FlyingMonkeys i should have re read the OP before posting a reply! Left to feed monster baby in between.

Missed the bit about the hotel. My bad!

FlyingMonkeys · 05/08/2018 01:14

@BunsofAnarchy Apologises if that sounded a bit snippy! (No intentions on my part 🙄). Truthfully it sounds like OP is telling DP one thing but thinking another perhaps? Mixed messages never benefit anyone in the long run. OP 'dropping hints', but stating she expects low key are two very different things. It's possible her DP now just feels too mortified after arguing to try to buy what might seem an apologetic afterthought? Relationships are a minefield sometimes! I hope you don't feel your birthday is ruined though OP, because that's not a nice position to be in.

MusingAboutCruising · 05/08/2018 01:27

It sounds to me like you might have been a bit vague regarding your expectations. This could be your problem:

...told him that I don’t expect anything

It could be that, being so busy with work, he thought he could combine seeing his mum with having a nice weekend away with you for your birthday. You know, cos you said you don't expect anything, you get on with his mum and it's the thought that counts...??

Yes, there could be something else going on or, it could just be that you need to be more specific.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/08/2018 08:23

I think FlyingMonkeys has picked up on something in that OP is possibly being influenced by her friends and her expectations vacillate a bit when she's been with them. Easily done.

Original poster

Paddington23 · 05/08/2018 08:44

No previous birthday he did take me to a nice hotel I didn’t ask for it. This time round he wouldn’t suggest anything for my birthday so I offered to pay for us to go to the theatre he was to busy the kitchen fund is for both of us I have saving for it to and it may not be done that 5 grand is completely separate to the kitchen fund. And no dinner was at a small place yesterday not in London the joint account paid for the hotel. I may seem like I’m
Contradicting myself but all I wanted was something thoughtful he can’t even think of something to do in his home town today for my birthday I’m the one googling

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 05/08/2018 08:56

Never drop hints!! Most people will not pick up on them. You've given very mixed signals here - once you told DP you 'didn't expect' anything for your birthday, then that was it, that's all he heard. All the hinting and hoping that came afterwards was pointless. Yes he should have got you a card, no excuse for not getting one. But the rest … I think YABU - not because I think he shouldn't bother, but because you've pretty much told him it's ok not to bother, and are now upset that he hasn't. Plus one minute you don't mind visiting his DM as you needed a weekend away, the next your put out that you're spending time with his family instead of your own. The thing about putting the hotel on the joint account - as far as he's concerned you're not there as part of a birthday gift, so it's just a joint expense. If you want him to do something in particular for him, tell him!

Piffle11 · 05/08/2018 08:58

for you. And Happy Birthday, btw.

FASH84 · 05/08/2018 09:01

Sometimes you have to be clear, I prefer doing things to gifts, early in our relationship I thought I'd made this clear wth obvious hints, DH struck gold one year with a particularly lovely gift from an independent jewellery company I had just started to get into (quirky costume not gold or anything) , but then got me something from there every birthday and Christmas for a few years. In the end away from birthday or Christmas time I literally had to be blunt and say, I'm not really big into things and I earn reasonably well so anything I do need I tend to have bought, I do love spending time with you doing things we don't usually do or don't do often, and I especially like it when you've planned something like that without me (I'm the organiser for everything else), that year I booked a surprise trip to Amsterdam flying out the morning of his birthday and told him via a series of clues out at dinner two nights before, and had arranged a couple of things to do while we were there, he was ecstatic. Since then birthdays etc have focussed on trips and experiences that we both enjoy (he's decided he's not into physical gifts either - he's always been tricky to buy for as not materialistic anyway) and we've done lots of brilliant things. If you enjoy a certain type of celebration you have to tell him, no more 'i don't want anything' and then sulking when he doesn't read your mind.

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