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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No birthday present

75 replies

Paddington23 · 04/08/2018 22:32

Partner has been working 24/7 for past 3 months so wasn’t sure if we would do anything other than dinner for my birthday. His mum has now popped back home so have driven up to see her instead didn’t mind at all I love his mum and a weekend away was needed. Little bit of me was like he can’t take time off to go to the theatre with me on a Friday night but can spend the whole weekend with his mum. For months I’ve been giving birthday hints and told him that I don’t expect anything but it’s the thought that counts. He’s managed to save up 5,000 recently so money’s not an issue. We’ve been out shopping all day and I brought myself a few bits but not once did he suggest he get it for my birthday. He’s mentioned that as he doesn’t want anything for his birthday why should he buy me something. I kept saying I didn’t expect a present just a nice day maybe breakfast in bed or something thoughtful. Where at the hotel just a cheap chain and he’s got no card for me or any gift I’m spending the day tomorrow with his mum and family I’ve never met instead of mine. I’m feeling really bad after I kept bringing up my birthday and he snapped saying he was sorry he hasn’t got me a card he just hasn’t had time this week not home till 8 from work not taking a lunch break. I’ve had my hopes up maybe he’s planned something but he definitely hasn’t. After shopping and arriving at the car he went back for a wee he took ages and I assumed he had gone to get the bag I liked he didn’t. Also after are really lovely lunch he put it on the joint account and then said during our argument that we had gone for lunch. He’s always been amazing with birthdays in the past always a really lovely card a nice dinner or maybe a gift nothing ever huge but always thoughtful

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 17:36

When did he last see his mum?

Nikephorus · 06/08/2018 17:38

I’m also annoyed that he said he was to busy to make plans for my birthday but happy to drive to see him mum and stay over night
Oh FFS OP you said that his mum is moving abroad and this was the only weekend you could see her!!!!!!! What's he supposed to do, let his mum sod off abroad to live without seeing her? You're an adult, you have plenty of birthdays! You're making a mountain out of something that wouldn't even house a flea. How about appreciating the hours he's working for YOUR sake as well as his, and appreciating that he cares about his mum.....

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 17:44

He spends evenings on the internet just browsing fb on Friday he met up with a friend to take a long lunch he last saw his mum at Christmas. I invited her to stay he never asked her kept forgetting to mention it to her. She then went abroad end of may and is now back for 5 weeks my family invited her to come down and stay and I’ve said before we must visit your mum but he wasn’t bothered

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 06/08/2018 17:48

Ah so one minute he's too busy to take a lunch break, the next he's taking a long lunch...... Okaaaaaaaaayyyy.......

longwayoff · 06/08/2018 17:55

He sounds absolutely delightful. Hope he bought his mum a welcome present. Honestly. Tell him you are angry and hurta.

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 18:05

Nope i suggested flowers while in the supermarket but he said no mainly because he would of had to get his nan some and they don’t get on

OP posts:

longwayoff · 06/08/2018 18:27

OP you need to take the hint, its time to pack up and move on.

BackforGood · 06/08/2018 23:00

What Nikephorus said at 17:38:59, you know, the bit before where you started changing your story.....

Theycouldhavechoseneve · 06/08/2018 23:15

I could do with some punctuation here tbh. Hard to follow

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 06/08/2018 23:20

DH usually just gets me a card, he usually says he doesn't want anything for his, but this year he asked for a massive plant pot from Sainsbury's, very cheap in the sale. We don't have much money.

JulianOfNorwich · 06/08/2018 23:32

I'm confused. Perhaps DP is too?
Did you expect something or not?
For months I’ve been giving birthday hints and told him that I don’t expect anything but it’s the thought that counts
Hints for months.... that you don't expect anything???

Original poster

Paddington23 · 07/08/2018 07:01

Well he’s telling me he’s to busy for lunch not changing my story.
I basically said to him if your getting me something for my birthday here are some suggestions but at the end of the day I don’t expect anything much just a bit do effort and some thought on the day.

OP posts:

Happygoldfinch · 07/08/2018 07:18

if he was a thoughtful and generous gift-giver - and now is not - there is something else afoot here.
This is what I thought - that perhaps he hasn't bought you anything because he just isn't that bothered...
My OH is appalling at gifts, but always has been.

SlowDown76mph · 07/08/2018 08:29

I'd be concerned that he isn't emotionally invested in your relationship together anymore. It's a strange change of behaviour in him. Are you sure he is actually working all the hours he says he is? Can you do some discrete fact-finding? Do you know for certain who he met for a 'long lunch'..?

Original poster

Paddington23 · 07/08/2018 08:50

Instagram pictures of the lunch and yes he works near home and comes home and works I see him on my way home sometimes as drop him of
Food if he hasn’t eaten lunch at the office

OP posts:

SlowDown76mph · 07/08/2018 08:55

Do you know what his internet activity is? Could he be getting his emotional needs met elsewhere for example?

Original poster

Paddington23 · 07/08/2018 13:15

He’s pretty open with his internet leaves laptop open works in bed next to me phone is always lying around but he’s good with computers so could easily hide stuff

OP posts:

FlyingMonkeys · 07/08/2018 13:25

So moving along from the birthday issues (that ship has long sailed). Are you saying you think there may be underlying issues in the relationship OP? If your birthday didn't unfold as you wanted that's one thing. If you think there's other things going on that's another.

Original poster

Paddington23 · 07/08/2018 16:40

I don’t think there is at all I see his phone left out regularly if it bleeps up it’s all Just work notifications and group chat but I do no if he was to cheat he would be good at hiding it on his phone he knows how to do it all he’s completely techy

OP posts:

Original poster

Paddington23 · 07/08/2018 16:41

And then when he’s not home he’s at the pub I get invited to go to and often see him in there ok the way home it’s glass fronted and I can’t not walk past it

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 07/08/2018 18:21

You're sounding as if you didn't get the responses you wanted on your birthday present so now you're trying to make out he MIGHT be having an affair even though you know he's not.

Original poster

Paddington23 · 07/08/2018 18:38

I’m not at all I said I know where he is I can his phone I know he’s not but all I’m saying is if he was to have an affair I know he would no how to hide his messages

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2018 18:58

Well despite the picking apart of the OP - he still didn't get her a card, did he? & the dinner was paid from their joint account so she contributed to the dinner, he didn't solely pay for it as her present.

Those are the facts despite the attempted discrediting and making OP sound like a lazy kept woman.

Happy belated birthday OP. I think you were supposed to be satisfied that "you"🙄 are getting a new kitchen, and had a cheek to perhaps think a busy man might think of quickly ordering a card and gift online for his wife.

You could've had a nice pamper day to yourself or with friends instead of agreeing to tag along to his mum's, and giving him confusing signals too That would've got on my nerves, tbh. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Still, there's always next year

KoolAidPickle · 07/08/2018 19:03

I’ve kept bringing it up all weekend and then apologising when he feels bad and moans that he’s been at work didn’t have time. I really need to text him let him no how hurt I feel about my birthday what would be a good text

A good text would be "sorry I've gone on and on and on about my birthday as if I was 5 years old".
Good god. Enough. How many times are you going to complain about it?

FlyingMonkeys · 07/08/2018 19:04

So you don't think he's having an affair and you're just still pissed off he didn't get you something for your birthday then? Fair enough! But for future reference my partner and I just set X amount for birthdays/Christmas. There's none of this flip flapping around 'dropping hints/saying I don't expect anything/just get me something thoughtful business'. I'm sorry but I really couldn't be arsed with all that palaver. Next time just tell him what you want instead of mucking about.

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