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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No birthday present

75 replies

Paddington23 · 04/08/2018 22:32

Partner has been working 24/7 for past 3 months so wasn’t sure if we would do anything other than dinner for my birthday. His mum has now popped back home so have driven up to see her instead didn’t mind at all I love his mum and a weekend away was needed. Little bit of me was like he can’t take time off to go to the theatre with me on a Friday night but can spend the whole weekend with his mum. For months I’ve been giving birthday hints and told him that I don’t expect anything but it’s the thought that counts. He’s managed to save up 5,000 recently so money’s not an issue. We’ve been out shopping all day and I brought myself a few bits but not once did he suggest he get it for my birthday. He’s mentioned that as he doesn’t want anything for his birthday why should he buy me something. I kept saying I didn’t expect a present just a nice day maybe breakfast in bed or something thoughtful. Where at the hotel just a cheap chain and he’s got no card for me or any gift I’m spending the day tomorrow with his mum and family I’ve never met instead of mine. I’m feeling really bad after I kept bringing up my birthday and he snapped saying he was sorry he hasn’t got me a card he just hasn’t had time this week not home till 8 from work not taking a lunch break. I’ve had my hopes up maybe he’s planned something but he definitely hasn’t. After shopping and arriving at the car he went back for a wee he took ages and I assumed he had gone to get the bag I liked he didn’t. Also after are really lovely lunch he put it on the joint account and then said during our argument that we had gone for lunch. He’s always been amazing with birthdays in the past always a really lovely card a nice dinner or maybe a gift nothing ever huge but always thoughtful

OP posts:

Angrybird345 · 05/08/2018 09:13

Did his family know it was your birthday?

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 07:44

Yes they did his mum had got me a gift. It was the worst birthday ever I felt crap due to my condition to. he told me his grandparents where odd but I didn’t believe him they hid away the whole time we visited so we left to go to a local attraction. I was so hot and in pain I cried the whole way round and then we went back to his mums and grandparents for Chinese which I don’t really like. The ride home took 3 hours and now I’m exhausted for work as wasn’t home till 10.30

OP posts:

IceCreamFace · 06/08/2018 08:15

YANBU what a dick, you were shopping all day so he could easily have nipped in somewhere to get you a token gift. I think he knew you wanted at least some recognition of your birthday and he did nothing. Very selfish.

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 09:17

The worst bit was when he went back to the toilet after waiting in the car and he took ages I assumed he was buying me something

OP posts:

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 09:19

I don’t want to seem grumpy I’ve kept bringing it up all weekend and then apologising when he feels bad and moans that he’s been at work didn’t have time. I really need to text him let him no how hurt I feel about my birthday what would be a good text

OP posts:

Uzicorn · 06/08/2018 09:52

I was so hot and in pain I cried the whole way round and then we went back to his mums and grandparents for Chinese which I don’t really like.

OP, are you always this moany? Initially I had sympathy for you but it sounds like it's all about you?

What did you do or get him for his birthday?

You kept bringing your birthday up, why?! Have you nobliidt pride? It should be obvious he wasn't getting you anything so if that's important to you in a relationship then just leave him.

You keep saying you wanted something thoughtful but it's obvious you wanted him to spend shit loads on you.

With this and your other thread asking if he should be paying for new kitchen because he earns more, you are sounding very whiny and grabby.

Bluelady · 06/08/2018 09:56

It's my birthday today. My husband gave me a card, a very nice card which was chosen with love. No present because there's nothing I need or want. I won't be whinging.

SandAndSea · 06/08/2018 10:26

My partner hasn't always got it right, especially the first few years. Part of that was that I had high expectations and he didn't have a blooming clue what I wanted. I used to say things like, "It's the thought that counts." He didn't even know what I meant by that! I think you need to be explicit.

This might help: Put your energy and attention now into setting up Pinterest boards for present ideas. Do one for both of you. Start saving ideas in there so all he's got to do is click a link and it'll go through to exactly what you want. Don't make it any more complicated than that. (He works 24/7, you need to give him a break.) In 2 months, you can start to talk Christmas shopping and how you'd like Christmas to be. Send him invites to the boards then. (I would recommend that you don't go on about it now.)

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 10:42

I have a condition I’m in daily chronic pain if I don’t take medication it means I can’t eat certain food with out being/ feeling sick

OP posts:

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 10:45

Last year I got him some Hugo boss shirts for work/ pants/ socks which he loves his favourite brand I also took him to dinner as we where on holiday at the time and a really lovely card

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 06/08/2018 10:51

@Paddington23 - I'm the same. I like to celebrate birthdays and go to a lot of effort. But you can't assume that he sees things in the same way. Left to his own devices, my partner would give everyone cash - no card or wrapping paper. He's had to learn what I like and it wasn't instant. If you have a real go at him about this, you will make it bigger than it needs to be which will have ramifications.

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 12:36

Yes I’ve stopped having a go just going to leave it had 2 texts of friends asking what he got me and at work a few have mentioned what he’s got me I’m also seeing my mum tonight so won’t address gifts either just going to leave it if my mum asks he can tell her he knows birthdays mean a lot to me he’s obviously not bothered by them it was just a shock to not even receive a card as that’s the one bit of birthdays he loves

OP posts:

FlyingMonkeys · 06/08/2018 12:41

OP it's two days since your birthday, you've told him numerous times that you're upset that he didn't get you anything (he still hasn't got you anything). I don't think any text you send regarding it would be good. Your options are; quit talking about it and let it go, buy yourself something nice out of your joint account, break up with your DP.

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 13:13

I’m just going to leave it partners Been good at birthdays in the past with reminders this year I sent him links and pictures even said while out shopping I want to buy this how about you get it for my birthday was £30 purse that was even a no. It just hurt that he didn’t even knowledge my birthday a little bit didn’t even offer to spend any effort or money on it at all not that I expect money to be spent a happy birthday would of been nice not at midnight while I’m half a sleep. He got in a huff at splitting the bill when I suggested it be my birthday treat but offered to pay for his mums dinner. I feel that he could of handled it all better but I’m
Not going to mention it again will just leave him to it.

OP posts:

ShumpaLumpa · 06/08/2018 16:07

What are you going to do on his birthday, Paddington?

Please don't say you'll be the 'bigger person' and celebrate it as usual. That's not being the bigger person, that's being a mug.

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 16:39

I really don’t no if he makes it uptown me by the end of the week I will be nice on his birthday if he doesn’t then he will get a car and that’s it. I know he’s been working like mad and had no time for anyone so end of the week and that’s it

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Cismyass · 06/08/2018 16:52

Well he certainly wouldn't be seeing any bedtime action this side of Christmas if he was my 'D'P

SlowDown76mph · 06/08/2018 16:54

I'd be wondering why he has become so disengaged :-(

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 17:17

Me to work at the moment is the most stressful it’s been in years he’s pushing so hard overtime every night no lunch breaks but he loves the stress I think. It’s no excuse but all I’m asking for is some kind of recognition that it’s my birthday. In the past he’s always left birthdays to the last minute and thrown money at them maybe he left it to late to do that

OP posts:

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 17:21

He’s said that because he didn’t want a fuss on his birthday we should just ignore them

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 17:22

What's changed OP if he used to buy you presents and cards for your birthday?

purpledreamcatching · 06/08/2018 17:25

This attitude would really upset me, doesn't sound like he is bothered about your feelings at all!

Original poster

Paddington23 · 06/08/2018 17:32

I’m also annoyed that he said he was to busy to make plans for my birthday but happy to drive to see him mum and stay over night

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 06/08/2018 17:35

What's changed OP if he used to buy you presents and cards for your birthday
How about the hours he's working?! 'Overtime every night no lunch breaks'..... When was he supposed to get something? Not everyone has a job where they can spend time on the internet. And before anyone says that Moonpig is quick - trying to find an appropriate card on there takes bloody ages!

kaytee87 · 06/08/2018 17:36

Why on earth did you keep telling him you didn't expect anything if you did actually expect something?

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