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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to let my ex-husband look after our 4month old baby?

72 replies

LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 07:16

My husband and I separated whilst I was pregnant. I left him due to his abusive and toxic behaviour. He was never a good father and I have sole custody of the kids, apart from our 6 year old who he has had over a couple of times in the past 7 months.

We have 3 older sons, 6,4 and 2 and now a 4 month old baby girl.

Our 4 and 2 year old boys are autistic and he never looks after them and seems to have pretty much disowned them.

He has now asked to look after our 4 month old baby girl. He has never changed a nappy or done a night feed in his life, plus she is exclusively breastfed and has never had a bottle. He has this idealistic notion that he finally has a baby girl and wants to bond with her, but I think she is way too young and I would be so worried about her the whole time.

Also he could be asking for this because he knows it will hurt me. I couldn't bear to be away from her.

Does anyone know if he can even legally ask to have her while she is this young / being breastfed? He will probably stop paying me child support if I refuse him, so I was hoping there was some legal precedent or something I could support my argument with or AIBU?

Thanks for any help.

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 04/08/2018 07:20

Not a chance when breastfeeding. Pretty sure courts won’t entertain the idea. Is he self employed? If not he’ll find to hard to dodge child support.

Pengggwn · 04/08/2018 07:21

Tell him to go to court for access to all his children.

Oysterbabe · 04/08/2018 07:25

Not a chance while breastfeeding. I also wouldn't let him ignore his other children and just focus on the new one. Tell him to jog on and let him take you to court.

Coco2891 · 04/08/2018 07:26

It doesn't sound like you have maintenance set up through Cms or Csa-which you need to as then he can't stop paying

Coco2891 · 04/08/2018 07:28

Well he can but they'll take it from his wages , unless as pp said he's self employed . Over my dead body would he be getting access -go full pelt to court armed to the teeth with your history etc , then maybe he'll get once a month in a contact centre

fabulous01 · 04/08/2018 07:29

Not a chance
And good luck with getting money from CSA

But well done for leaving him and giving your children a future

NynaeveSedai · 04/08/2018 07:30

Of course he can ask for contact. With a young breastfed baby it would be little and often. I would offer him 2 hours twice a week to start with and see if he can commit.

MrsBertBibby · 04/08/2018 07:31

Of course he can ask!

Contact for a very young baby is usually "little and often" (like several 1 hour slots a week if that can be accommodated.) I generally advise parents at that stage to take it very slow and gentle. I had a case years back with a very silly dad who has clearly spent time in F4J and had a pre birth plan all printed up saying how my client would be expressing by week 2 and care would be shared by 6 months. The child reached 3 before we could even get out of the contact centre, because he had been so overbearing and the poor child was so anxious around him.

There are practical parenting courses he can do.

The fact he doesn't bother with the non standard ones isn't going to do him any favours if he takes it to court.

Original poster
LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 07:31

No, we have a private agreement and he actually overpays what he needs to (guilt?) and comes over once every week or so to see the kids.

How long can I keep up the breastfeeding argument? A year? Is that too hopeful? He works for a company and has a very high salary. I think he also wants a private agreement so i can't see his tax return and bonus etc...

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 04/08/2018 07:31

Court all the way. They will never in a million years required an EBF baby to be away overnight. He’ll look like an arsehole for asking.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 04/08/2018 07:33

Another one suggesting you tell him to go to Court and apply for access to all of his children.

LunaTrap · 04/08/2018 07:34

He doesn't get to disown some of his kids but demand access to the new one. Let him take you to court and explain to a judge why he only wants access to one of his 4 kids.

Original poster
LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 07:36

Ok, thats a big relief. He told me he would go to spain and not work if i took him to court, but honestly at this point i would prefer that than have him take my baby away.

OP posts:
FuckMePinkAndCallMeCedric · 04/08/2018 07:36

He can go to court to try and gain access to ALL of his children, not just the ones he thinks are worthy of his time. Pretty sure once a judge, CAFCASS and whoever else are made aware of his abusive behaviour, terrible attitude to at least 2 of his children and the fact he’s done no parenting whatsoever they won’t be falling over themselves to give him what he wants.

On a separate note go to the CMS and make him pay the child support that way. I understand that if he is self employed it’s more difficult (or impossible) but don’t let him use it as a way to control you.

Good luck dealing with him long term.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 04/08/2018 07:37

Go to court, and communicate by email, so you have a trail of his conversations

YogiBear13 · 04/08/2018 07:38

You're not being unreasonable but I'm not sure it's a given that the courts will see breastfeeding as something that trumps a father's rights to see their child (not saying I agree with that, but it's what a quick google of the issue seems to suggest!). However with the other behaviour listed (abusive, never done night feeds/changed a nappy, no interest in his autistic children) combined with the breastfeeding, it's sounds like you'd be able to make a pretty strong case.

MrsBertBibby · 04/08/2018 07:39

OP you really need to see a solicitor about finances, to get those on a proper footing and stop him using money to bully you.

Don't use bf as an excuse. It's a perfectly legitimate argument, but there are others, like his lack of practical care, and his treatment of you, and his abandonment of her siblings. Get proper advice. It will really help calm you down and make you feel more in control. Take someone who can keep the baby occupied outside while you talk!

Rosemary46 · 04/08/2018 07:40

How can you know he’s underpaying if you don’t know his income ? I bet he’s underpaying .

Do courts really allow non resident Parents to only see the kids they like and ignore the others ?

NewUserNameTime · 04/08/2018 07:40

Good luck

How disgusting that he pIcks & chooses which kids to want access to

Cynic1947 · 04/08/2018 07:43

I always find it is best not to take the confrontational route. I would consider letting him have the baby for short periods whilst she is being breast fed. The baby may get hungry between feeds and bawl the house down. After a couple of times like that, he will probably decide it wasn’t a good idea!!

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 04/08/2018 07:47

That sounds almost hilarious on some level mrsbertbibby. I kind of want to see the full plan...

mineisarossini · 04/08/2018 07:47

Truly awful that he has abandoned some of his other children because of their needs, so damaging to them.

I am another to encourage you to package the children together and go to court.

FuckMePinkAndCallMeCedric · 04/08/2018 07:50

I know someone who’s abusive ex wanted the judge to bring all 6 of his children into the court room so he could pick which ones he wanted contact with in front of them.

Needless to say the judge said no. He doesn’t see any of his children because he’s seen as too much of a danger to them on a physical, mental and emotional level.

Original poster
LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 07:55

I was thinking about letting him have her for a few hours and see how that goes. He has never even held her! I'm not even joking. I have a feeling he is going to get his new girlfriend to do all the looking after and I am not ok with that at all. I've told him he is always welcome here to see the kids, but he rarely comes over.

Hopefully he just thought of it on a whim and realises it was a bad idea. If he pursues it though I will go to court.

I know what he earns because we only separated 7 months ago and I can see his bank account as its still joint, but i have moved my money out.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 04/08/2018 07:57

I kind of want to see the full plan..

I have always regretted not laminating it and taking it with me when I moved on. It was quite something.