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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to let my ex-husband look after our 4month old baby?

72 replies

LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 07:16

My husband and I separated whilst I was pregnant. I left him due to his abusive and toxic behaviour. He was never a good father and I have sole custody of the kids, apart from our 6 year old who he has had over a couple of times in the past 7 months.

We have 3 older sons, 6,4 and 2 and now a 4 month old baby girl.

Our 4 and 2 year old boys are autistic and he never looks after them and seems to have pretty much disowned them.

He has now asked to look after our 4 month old baby girl. He has never changed a nappy or done a night feed in his life, plus she is exclusively breastfed and has never had a bottle. He has this idealistic notion that he finally has a baby girl and wants to bond with her, but I think she is way too young and I would be so worried about her the whole time.

Also he could be asking for this because he knows it will hurt me. I couldn't bear to be away from her.

Does anyone know if he can even legally ask to have her while she is this young / being breastfed? He will probably stop paying me child support if I refuse him, so I was hoping there was some legal precedent or something I could support my argument with or AIBU?

Thanks for any help.

OP posts:

FuckMePinkAndCallMeCedric · 04/08/2018 10:14

He’s absent because he’s apparently not arsed about seeing his 3 sons, 2 of whom have additional needs. He now suddenly wants to spend time with his baby daughter without his 3 other children since getting a new girlfriend or so it seems.

He doesn’t want an official arrangement regarding contact or paying child support and would rather do this as and when it’s convenient for him with no thought to his young children.

He is a father of 4 children aged 6 and under and apparently has never looked after any of them, not even changed a single nappy.

He has a history of being abusive to the children’s mother.

Do you see the difference between this man and that of a loving, involved father?

FuckMePinkAndCallMeCedric · 04/08/2018 10:17

And a good, decent father who loves his children and wants the best for them will pay at least the minimum of required child support regardless of whether he is seeing them.

A good, decent father will make every effort to get some kind of contact with his children if the mother is being obstructive including going to court if he needs to.

If a father isn’t prepared to support his children financially for whatever reason then to my mind he is not a good or decent father.

SweetIcedTea · 04/08/2018 10:25

littleFearOfHumans I absolutely think Father's should be financially supporting their children regardless of contact. If a father disagrees with access arrangements then that should be addressed through the courts not by withdrawing money that contributes to the cost of food, clothing and shelter for their children, how could anyone find that appropriate?

Original poster

LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 10:30

Wow, there are some pearlers in there! Thank you for all the genuine replies, I really appreciate it. I definitely have a better perspective on it now.

OP posts:

Original poster

LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 10:33

Also - I have never kept the kids from him , it is his choice not to see them. I invite him over all the time to see them and have told him we could work something out if he wanted to have them overnight, he just never has and I honestly never expected him to (apart from a couple of times with out non-autistic eldest son). Then out of the blue he says he wants to look after our baby and he has never even held her or fed a baby or changed a nappy so I was so scared for her!

OP posts:

littleFearOfHumans · 04/08/2018 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 10:39

littleFearOfHumans Did you read my posts? Also, I quit my (very good) job to look after my children and as 2 of my children are disabled and require full time care and I have a 4 MONTH OLD baby, no I do not work. I have 4 kids under the age of 6.

If I can work in the future that would be great as I would love to do some 'normal' adult things, but caring for my children comes first.

OP posts:

FuckMePinkAndCallMeCedric · 04/08/2018 10:41

Are you reading the same thread as everyone else little?

littleFearOfHumans · 04/08/2018 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 10:43

FuckMePInk There is always one, and no I don't think they are reading my posts, just trying to cause conflict.

OP posts:

Original poster

LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 10:44

Yes, all to the same man (is that a bad thing?!). We had been together since I was 17, for 13 years, and it is very hard to get out a a toxic and controlling relationship, especially if you have essentially 'grown up' in it. So how about you go troll another post.

OP posts:

littleFearOfHumans · 04/08/2018 10:48

"So how about you go troll another post."

Not trolling but if you want nothing but posts telling you you're right then go ahead. Hope it makes you feel better.

Notevilstepmother · 04/08/2018 11:10

She is a baby not a doll. If you are happy to have him in your home then that seems as good a way as any for him to get to know her. If he keeps pushing then a contact centre with professionals might be a good idea, they can make sure he looks after her, and that she isn’t just a doll for the new girlfriend.

Much as I feel bad for the new girlfriend if you are lucky maybe he will get her pregnant soon and leave you alone. Sorry, sad but true.

SayNoToCarrots · 04/08/2018 11:13

If he has never changed a nappy or held her etc, he probably has no idea what hard work 4 month old babies can be (same goes for his 22year old gf). I'd be worried about what happens when he realises this after half an hr and still has an hr and a half left.

trojanpony · 04/08/2018 12:30

You don’t have to justify your position re: working but you really do need to stop engaging with this man and trying to “be nice”.
When you “invite him over all the time”you continue to play into the abuse.
You are also not holding any kind of moral high ground by doing this kind of thing and you are certainly not doing what is best for your kids.

You seem bright and articulate so hopefully you are able to start properly looking after your children’s interests but I stand by my original post.
You need to wake the fuck up and properly reassess how you are approaching this man.

He might be the father of your children but he is not a good man and he is not your friend.

Gracie65 · 04/08/2018 13:23

but you really do need to stop engaging with this man and trying to “be nice”.
When you “invite him over all the time”you continue to play into the abuse.
You are also not holding any kind of moral high ground by doing this kind of thing and you are certainly not doing what is best for your kids.

I wholeheartedly disagree with this statement. The OP has great strength and dignity in keeping any bitterness and her own feelings out of negotiating with him. She has behaved in a civilised, accommodating manner and kudos to the OP for that. She absolutely is doing what is best for her children. She has given ample opportunity for her ex to see his children, she is not witholding access, she is encouraging it. This is not her failing or weakness, it is his for not taking her up on it.

The OP is behaving like a decent person and not being an ass-hole.
The children will see in due course what their father is.

Original poster

LillyPillly · 04/08/2018 14:13

Gracie Thank you so much for your post. I grew up never getting to see my father so I would never do that to my children, no matter what my feelings towards him might be.

I am encouraging contact and accepting child support on his terms. He is paying me a substantial amount even though other posters are suggesting I go to court to get more, I don't need it and would prefer to keep things amicable for the sake of the kids, because I think that is what is best for them.

If things turn ugly then I will go to court to arrange contact and child support, but for the moment I am happy, I just don't feel like he is ready or my baby is ready, to stay with him.

OP posts:

Gracie65 · 04/08/2018 17:00

LillyPilly
I think you are dealing with your situation very maturely.
With regards to the financial support you receive for your children being substantial and that you don’t need any more, I agree, there really is no need at this point in time to go to court.
Court should be used as a last resort when all other avenues of communication have broken down. Sadly oftentimes used as a first point of contact in any conflict resolution fuelled by residual feelings of anger and resentment over a split with bitterness clouding sound judgement. Although I do recognise that this is sometimes necessary.
I also agree that you acting as peacemaker in all this by keeping things amicable and not waging emotional war is definitely in the children’s best interests. Unfortunately we cannot change the character deficits displayed in ex partners but we can change how we react to it. Besides, you as a mother have enough to deal with without clogging your mind up with negativity and resentment!
Very difficult question regarding your baby. Only you know your partners capabilities as a father, and indeed as a person. I think continuing to offer time at your home is the option I would choose at this point in time, obviously to be reviewed as she gets older. It’s important for everyone to be happy here, particularly your baby. Irrespective of whether she is being breast fed or not, she is not familiar with her father as a care-giver. He is not familiar with her. By you inviting him around for visitation with his children, this presents the opportunity where he and baby can both get to know one another and feel more comfortable with each other and he can learn about her routine. This would decrease any potential stresses experienced by father and baby if they were “thrown together” as it were, solely in his care. Hopefully this would also go some way In reassuring you as to her well being. But this really is your judgement call.
“4 children under 6”, Wow! You have my respect!!

trojanpony · 04/08/2018 21:48

She absolutely is doing what is best for her children.

By letting him ignore 3 of them???

Megan2989 · 04/08/2018 23:32

She is not "letting him ignore 3 of them", he is ignoring them regardless.

Id rather my children knew their father was an idiot that chose not to see them, than for them to deal with abandonment issues due to their mother not allowing any contact and never knowing if it could have been different.

Original poster

LillyPillly · 05/08/2018 00:49

Trojan I'm not letting him ignore 3 of them. On the few occasions he has asked to have our older son stay with him I have obliged and also asked if he would like to have our younger sons over, to which he has replied, "No, they are too hard to look after".

I feel as though he wants to have our baby over to 'play with' with his new girlfriend. She is a very happy, calm little baby and I think he thinks it will be easy. It won't be easy because he has never looked after a baby before and that really worries me. I am going to facilitate contact at my house until they form a bond and also show him how to change a few nappies and I will have to introduce her to a bottle first, before she can stay with him for a couple of hours building up slowly to overnight as some of the other posters have suggested. She has always been EBF. Then on

Megan My mother put me and my sister in that situation. Her and my father had a bitter breakup and she kept us from him and told us if we ever tried to contact him she would disown us. By the time I did try to contact him (When I was 25) He didn't want to speak to me and died a few years later. It still hurts, so there is no way I would put my kids through that.

Gracie Thank you for your post. It was really nice to read. I agree that court is a last option and I would prefer to deal with things amicably to make the situation as pleasant as possible for my children. x

OP posts:

Cornishclio · 05/08/2018 01:13

I am not sure why you want to facilitate contact between an abusive and toxic father and your children. Personally I would not be facilitating it and would be making him go to court to gain access. Your own lack of a father may be colouring your judgement here but he sounds and you admit he was a terrible father who ignores the kids who are too much like hard work. That is awful for their self esteem.

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