AIBU not to let my ex-husband look after our 4month old baby?

[LillyPillly]

My husband and I separated whilst I was pregnant. I left him due to his abusive and toxic behaviour. He was never a good father and I have sole custody of the kids, apart from our 6 year old who he has had over a couple of times in the past 7 months.

We have 3 older sons, 6,4 and 2 and now a 4 month old baby girl.

Our 4 and 2 year old boys are autistic and he never looks after them and seems to have pretty much disowned them.

He has now asked to look after our 4 month old baby girl. He has never changed a nappy or done a night feed in his life, plus she is exclusively breastfed and has never had a bottle. He has this idealistic notion that he finally has a baby girl and wants to bond with her, but I think she is way too young and I would be so worried about her the whole time.

Also he could be asking for this because he knows it will hurt me. I couldn't bear to be away from her.

Does anyone know if he can even legally ask to have her while she is this young / being breastfed? He will probably stop paying me child support if I refuse him, so I was hoping there was some legal precedent or something I could support my argument with or AIBU?

Thanks for any help.

You said you couldn't bear to be away from her ?
I personally wouldn't let him see any of the children until made to by the court if he'd been abusive.

I'm all for fathers rights but not if they've been abusive

Don't agree to a few hours, OP. At this stage that will be awful for your baby. And where does it leave your middle pair?

At most, an hour with you near by. That's the reality of an ebf baby. Once she has got to know him it could be extended, but that leaves your middle ones out in the cold. I would really hesitate to agree any contact if he refuses to see them, because that is emotional abuse.

Please get proper advice.

If she’s never had a bottle at 4 months, and he’s never given her a bottle, does he really think she’s just magically going to take it? Does he think he can force you to express or to agree to an EBF baby being given formula just with him?

No, because he won’t have thought about anything like that. He’s just thought about himself, as you say.

As for not wanting to see his sons, the mind boggles, it really does.

Sorry he’s such an utter ass OP; you sound very calm considering.

No, not while exclusively breastfeeding. Once she's weaned, you could tell him that she's available for contact for a couple of hours at a time.

I agree with the advice above about keeping communication via email, so you can keep an evidence trail. I would email him every week to say the the older children are available for contact XX day and time, but the baby is exclusively breastfed and as her feed times are frequent and unpredictable she cannot be away from you. As she gets older, it might be worth considering contact somewhere public eg soft play (if your older children can tolerate that) or perhaps a library if they need a calm environment ( and if your town still has one!). That way the baby can still feed as needed and contact with the older children is part of the package.

TBH your comments about his atttitude are worrying -sounds like he wants to dump the older children because they don't suit his lifestyle, but he wants the baby so he can play dollies with new girlfriend.

No, he has no legal rights unless/ until there is a court order.
His not really bothering with his existing sons won't look good. Equally it would not go in his favour if he stopped paying maintenance, and you could take legal action if he did this.
I'd tell him no, he can't have her alone when she's this little. Would you be willing to let him see her with you there, or is there someone like your mum or his who could supervise? I'd make that conditional on him also seeing the boys though.
He is welcome to take you to court if he doesn't like that. He won't bother. Even if he did, no court would give him any significant access to a bf 4mo baby, at most a couple of hours a fortnight or somethng, supervised.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation so they negotiated for 2 hours every other weekend for the baby with the older children staying overnight. It then built up to 6 hours in the first year with no overnight stays.

The ex couldn't cope with having to hang around the local area for 2-6 hours even though he had a relations house he could use so was very unreliable, which affected the other children. Plus it pissed my friend off as she needed a break. Luckily her new partner wasn't (and isn't) an a-hole, is very good with children, and his children were welcoming.

A PP pointed out that if you give him contact he would back down as he can't cope with all your children so use that to your advantage when negotiating.

I wouldn't go to court as the first step as if you did it would make you look unreasonable as the case would be heard when she is older than 6 months and the judge could decide you are using breast feeding to stop him having contact with her. Your ex would also twist it that lack of contact with his daughter makes it impossible to see his sons. However if you turn up to court with a negotiated agreement which he ignored about contact with all his children your ex won't have a leg to stand on.

Don’t give him a few hours with the baby right now. Get some legal advice first. Tell them everything about him, his parenting, his terribly damaging attitude towards his children and let them decide how best to help and advise you on this.

You say he’s got a girlfriend. Is fairly new? If so I think it’s obvious why he’s suddenly taken an interest in your daughter: cute baby, “easy” to look after (easier than 3 small boys- two who have complex needs) and when he gets fed up with impressing his new GF with how great a daddy he is she will be only too happy to cuddle a cute little baby.

Ugh these twats are so transparent it’s embarrassing

It's not the resident parent who applies to court anyway.
If he wants contact above what is being offered then he must go to court.

That's a great idea about having her for 2 hours every fortnight and then building up to more. We live 10 minutes from each other so in a few months if he's still persisting I will suggest that.

He has absolutely no idea how to look after babies thats why he thinks it will be fine for her to have a bottle when she is with him. Even the midwives in the hospital couldn't get her to take one when we were re-admitted when she was 9 weeks old.

I definitely think him and his new gf (of 3 months and she's 22 - he's 40) think that having a cute little baby to play with will be fun and have absolutely no idea what to do. It actually makes me feel sick to think about them responsible for her. 2 hours would even be a stretch....

I'm all for fathers rights but not if they've been abusive

Which a lot of father's rights advocates have been. People don't realise that. That F4J lot have got astonishingly high DV arrests.

Remind him he has four children and he need to spend time with them all but as he can't meet the needs of dd as you are bf he can't see her away from you atm.

Once you mentioned him not wanting you to see his tax returns etc "definitely court" went through my mind.

He could be hiding something financially and actually underpaying.

Given that you've said he was toxic in the past, get access sorted through the court regarding all your children. Get that paperwork in place so you both know where you stand.

Christ almighty woman wake the fuck up!!!
(Sorry if this is harsh but seriously your situation is fucked up!)

2 hours is bloody terrible advice when he has no idea how to:
A. Look after a baby
B. refuses to parent/meet your other children with any kind of consistency

how is that not obvious????

You have had really good simple advice. Please follow it.

1. He can ask for baby contact, you can/should decline.
2. No supervised contact while breast feeding is a given.
3. Make him go to court for regular contact with all children not just your daughter.
4. Ensure he follows the court order and sees all his children
5. Go via CMS

This but made me laugh out loud
“ He works for a company and has a very high salary. I think he also wants a private agreement so i can't see his tax return and bonus etc...“
Exactly!!!! He is telling you he overpaid but you can’t see if that’s true. he wants a private agreement so he can dine out on how generous he is while in reality he is underpaying for his children.
Trust me he will not be telling you about every pay rise and promotion
If he so adamantly wants to overpay then go via cms and let lord bountiful top that up.
If you do nothing else take that bit of advice.

You would be mad to let him have her, or any of them.

You left him because of his awful behaviour, he would be nowhere near any of my kids without a court order and even then I’d do everything in my power to ensure it was in a contact centre. Over my dead body would he have sole care of them.

You are in a strong position if he does take you to court, but actually, I don’t think he will. This is about control over you and impressing his new gf, not about seeing his kids. Put a stop to him coming to your house. Make him to court.

Stand up for your kids while you have the opportunity to do so. If you let him have them, you’ll be in a much weaker position if he was to take you to court.

Then hope the twat does go to Spain and stays out of your lives..

What TrojanPony said. In the nicest possible way wake up and realise how much damage he could potentially do to all of your children. You facilitating contact for only 1 out of 4 of your children will make you complicit in his behaviour. He’s attempting to divide your children into wanted and unwanted. That’s a disgusting way for a parent to behave.

Seriously don’t let him treat the children this way.

What message is handing over a cute baby giving your other dc?
Tell him court where he can explain why he has dumped 2 of his dc!!
When he can manage the 3 he should already have a bloody good relationship with, then he can start coping with a baby also.
Give your head a shake op!! Cms all the way - you may be getting cash now but that won't last trust me.

im so glad today some pp have spoken up.my wording is crap so couldn't say it better myself.but what the hell!how can you even consider him being able to have one over the other.ffs.no!how are a parent think they can disown some and have one,esepcially if it seems its more to do with the special needs of the ones hes left.gosh.

Abuse is about power and control.

He is still controlling you. Mentally your decision making is revolving around giving in to him, and working around him. He's still exerting power over you.

• He wanted a private financial agreement, you've obeyed him even though this leaves you vulnerable and hands him all the power.

• He threatened to move to Spain if you didn't give him what he wanted, so you gave him what he wanted. He controlled your decision(s).

• You've allowed him to visit whenever he does or does not want, rather than getting the formal agreement that would protect the children. He is the one in charge and in control, you never know when he'll show or for how long.

• He's not overpaying (if he is actually overpaying) out of guilt, he's overpaying because it's a way to control you - you're now afraid to do anything to rock the boat by refusing to give in to his demands. He controls your decisions.

• He's picking and choosing which kids he wants to see, when, and for how long, and you're going along with it. He has the power.

• He wants the baby to stay with him, you've been told you can and should refuse but instead you're trying to find the easiest way to agree because you know he'll keep pestering. Yet again, he uses his tried and tested tactics and retains control over what you do.

Shouldn't the children's needs and your needs come first in your decision making process, rather than complying with what your ex demands?

MrsBertBibby has given you good advice. She knows what she's talking about. Please think about what she's said and get proper legal advice before you do anything else.

What he is doing is abusive to your children. It's so damaging.

He's saying "jump", and you're still saying "how high?" albeit with a slight time delay. You need to start saying no instead.

littleFearOfHumans The two things are separate, it's not pay per view.

I'm not sure what Op thought we were all going to say but I'm finding her replies are contradicting the original post.

Of course absent parents should be paying child support regardless of whether they see the children! They helped create the child they should help take care of them.

I find it insane that anyone thinks otherwise.