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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to say diplomatically?

90 replies

fluffyrobin · 03/08/2018 14:04

I am due to go on holiday for a week with my lovely friend. I love her to bits and we get on really well, but there has been an issue that creeps up every time which I would just like some help with please.

She always insists we eat out, or if we cook together, she insists we cook (and eat) huge amounts.

I love food but I simply cannot eat the vast quantities she loves. But then she will worry that I'm not eating or not eating enough.

What can I say that is kind as I don't want her to be upset. She admits she has a weight problem and it is a sensitive issue for her.

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 04/08/2018 08:49

I don't see problem

She orders her food you order yours.

If you are cooking together.

'I'm not overly hungry just a small amount for me'

LookAtIt · 04/08/2018 08:52

I'd mention it before you go. Do you see her in person often? You could phrase it as a polite request!
"I've a favour to ask, you probably do it without thinking but you often comment on my food choices and sometimes you seem to want me to eat more when I don't. So when we are on holiday can you please not comment on what I'm eating. I'll eat what I want to eat and you can eat what you want. I hope that's ok, Thanks"

BTW TheStoic. Your posts are nasty.

Quartz2208 · 04/08/2018 08:55

Ok OP so it sounds like your BMI is at the lower end at 18/19 and you only want to eat once a day and probably a very small portion. She on the other hand is in the upper end bordering on overweight and wants to eat 3 meals a day.

Its hard to work it out here as you seem to be as judgmental of her wanting to eat three times a day as she does of you only eating once

TheBlueDot · 04/08/2018 08:56

Fash84 you can’t generalise that under 2000 calories is dieting.

I am short with small frame. The calorie count I need for day to day life (not dieting, not losing weight, maintaining at healthy BMI) is 1400 a day.

I’d soon be over a healthy bmi if I ate 2000 calories a day.

MarthasGinYard · 04/08/2018 08:57

Have you holidayed with her in a hot country before

I can usually eat for England but my appetite halves on holidays like this.

Whitney168 · 04/08/2018 09:02

This issue really could be in either direction - an overweight friend who wants the OP to validate their eating, or an underweight OP who the friend is genuinely worried about.

To be honest, it feels more like the latter.

LookAtIt · 04/08/2018 09:11

Its hard to work it out here as you seem to be as judgmental of her wanting to eat three times a day as she does of you only eating once

How are you reading that the OP has been judgmental - the OP has had to mention that the other women eats more and is overweight as it's relevant to the thread but I can't see how she has been judgmental.

Thebluedog · 04/08/2018 09:15

My best friend loves her food and she very often cooks for us, when she’s plating up she will ask me how much I’d like, I’ve taken to saying ‘oh about half the amount you have’ she doesn’t take offence as she realises that she has issues with portion control.

If your friend mentions it later, simply say that the portion size you’ve just had is normal for you and that You’re happy with your weight

FindoGask · 04/08/2018 09:19

"If you're regularly consuming under 2000 calories a day you are dieting,"

This isn't true. Maintenance for many women (probably even most women over 30) would be under 2000 calories a day. Mine is slightly more but I'm 5 foot 10 and very active.

Snog · 04/08/2018 10:01

Shut it down OP.
Say I am happy with my food choices and don't want to discuss them.
If challenged just repeat. No explanations.

ppeatfruit · 04/08/2018 10:03

Yes exactly Snog.

buckingfrolicks · 04/08/2018 12:34

I have had this experience OP when going on holiday with my DMum. She eats vv little and is healthily slim. I eat lots and an unhealthily fat.

When she says eg "oh I'm so full that baguette was huge" I feel really angry.
It does not matter if she means the inference that I take -"age you not full yet Bucking".

Other passive aggressive comments include "I don't usually eat this much"; "would you like the other half of my whatever?" "I'm still full from last night".

The issue of food and weight is hugely emotive for many women. I am holiday- I want to enjoy myself and for me that means I've food. She is on holiday and wants to enjoy herself and for her that means a snack of something tasty.

The only thing that worked was last holiday I said to her please can we both simply not talk about how full or not we are, how much we have eaten? Let us both eat what we want with no comments. "

Yes I'm fat and she isn't but holiday is not the time or place. If I feel "guilty" about eating on holiday the knock on effect is I then feel ashamed on the beach etc.

Sorry - what I mean I guess is clear the air before you go - not whose eating is right/healthy but that both eat what they want without commenting.

rookiemere · 04/08/2018 13:35

I'm going to revise my earlier comment that it is none of friends business. I'd find it very odd to be away with someone who only ate once a day and i'd probably make a remark or two about it.

I've been away many times with many people and to my recollection every single one of them has always eaten 3 meals a day. When away with my best pal I'm aware that she eats less - obviously as she is 5ft with a slim build whereas i'm 5ft6 with broad shoulders- but we both enjoy our grub.
The only issues I've had is when away with DH - he likes to eat later and he always has a starter- but if i'm eating after about 7 I'm starving but then to full to have a main as well
Or i do remember an anorexic friend from uni ( she was diagnosed as such) who'd feel obliged to point out how dreadfully large my ( completely average) sized lunch baguette was. Helped me to develop my own eating disorder for a couple of years but man I looked good in the photos.

Maybe it's just not compatible for you two to go on a holiday. I'd be disappointed if meals out weren't an enjoyable part of a break away.

Original poster

fluffyrobin · 05/08/2018 08:01

Two days in the holiday now and all going well!

Had an Indian to share which was great as we both like being to try out loads of different dishes. She was more than happy for me to have smaller portions as more for her. That was a win win!

We were discussing our beach BBQ options later on this week.

She likes the usual fayre: sausages and burgers in rolls whereas I told her it would be nice to have fresh fish, corn on the cob and vegetables like avocados, watercress, rocket to go with it.

She said I'd get anaemia! I was lost for words.

So I told her I don't mind lamb or steak though, and if there is a budget, I'd much prefer small quantities of really quality meat rather than vast quantities of produce from factory farms ( which I don't eat at at all for ethical as well as other reasons).

She actually thought imy suggestions sounded delicious so we will compromise!

OP posts:

OliviaStabler · 05/08/2018 09:29

Great news OP!

If there is a reasonable budget, a nice whole fish wrapped in foil on the BBQ is just great.

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