Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say diplomatically?

90 replies

fluffyrobin · 03/08/2018 14:04

I am due to go on holiday for a week with my lovely friend. I love her to bits and we get on really well, but there has been an issue that creeps up every time which I would just like some help with please.

She always insists we eat out, or if we cook together, she insists we cook (and eat) huge amounts.

I love food but I simply cannot eat the vast quantities she loves. But then she will worry that I'm not eating or not eating enough.

What can I say that is kind as I don't want her to be upset. She admits she has a weight problem and it is a sensitive issue for her.

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 03/08/2018 14:33

Op unless your very underweight its abit weird that shes so concerned about what you eat.

I agree with pp it sounds like she wants you to eat more so she doesn't feel guilty for eating so much.

Time to be blunt and tell her straight her comments on your eating habits are annoying and you'd rather she didn't do it anymore.

LoveInTokyo · 03/08/2018 14:40

Is your friend overweight?

Gardai · 03/08/2018 14:42

I think she’s definitely trying to normalise her overeating by turning it into your issue when in fact it is her issue. She eats too much.
Other way is to get an enormous salad which should keep you busy enough. Or tell her she eats too much when she tries the food discussions later on. Sometimes honesty is best.

Merryoldgoat · 03/08/2018 14:44

You say she has a weight problem. She’s in denial and deflecting. She’s not concerned about you - she’s trying to take the focus off her own excessive eating.

Next time I’d say - gently but firmly - ‘you really don’t need to worry about my eating. I’m healthy and can eat as much or little as I want. I’d prefer you to concentrate on your own eating rather than mine.’

I say this as an overweight person so I know this is hard. I have a slim friend who is always apologising for keeping an eye on her weight because I think she worries she’s getting at me. I said to her that she doesn’t need to apologise for treating her body well.

Weight issues are complicated but by not dealing with this properly you’re colluding with her.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/08/2018 14:47

No she won't worry about you don't be ridiculous, she has food issues and the only reason she wants you to eat more is so she isn't the only one over eating, she doesn't give a fuck about you, her motives are totally selfish and disguised as worry

TheStoic · 03/08/2018 14:48

I knew this would be a stealth thread about fatties.

Cue the OP saying she’s a normal weight, eats normally, we’ve lost sight of what’s a healthy weight etc etc etc.

SB1189 · 03/08/2018 14:50

Well...if someone constantly tries to pressure me into doing something I don’t want to do, doesn’t respect my feelings and my wishes to not talk about something then I’d ask if they were someone I wanted to spend time with- are they worth being friends with?

RatherBeRiding · 03/08/2018 14:54

It really is time to harden your responses. She obviously has a problem with food and I can only echo what others have said, that she is seeking to normalise her own over-eating by bullying you into eating similar amounts.

How would she react if you turned it back on her and told her you were concerned about the amount she ate? If you don't want to be so blunt, then maybe ask her how she'd feel if you were to ask the question - that way you are asking the question without actually asking the question!

Or else just shut down any attempts to discuss your eating. "I am within the normal weight range for my height and age, thank you." "There's nothing to discuss. My weight and eating aren't a problem"

Repeat as necessary

Clutterbugsmum · 03/08/2018 14:55

I would probably tell her before you go away that you do not want to discuss my food choices as to what I choose to eat or how much as I find it upsetting that you keep bringing it up even after I have asked you not to. I would probable add that I do not bring up her issues around food and I expect her to do the same.

Or go for the broken record approach, I'm full. Every time she mentions it. If she try's to make a discussion then shut it straight down with I'm not hungry, I've eaten what wanted so please stop mentioning food.

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 03/08/2018 14:57

OP, are you underweight? Why are you worrying in advance about someone 'preventing' you being in control of your own plate? You're presumably an adult. It sounds like there's a bit more going on here. Or your friend is projecting. Either way, somebody at the table is overly concerned.

LoveInTokyo · 03/08/2018 14:57

OP I think you just have to stand firm and insist on only eating what you want to eat. If you are eating out, it shouldn't be a problem. Just order what you want, stop when you're full and leave it at that. If you are cooking together, try to steer her towards healthy choices, or things where the portions are quite naturally controlled anyway, for example, you buy two pieces of steak and lots of nice ingredients to make a salad.

Try to avoid talking about food if you can, but if you really can't avoid the subject, be honest. Tell her that you are fine, this is how much you eat, and you don't want to overeat just for the sake of it. Don't make any comments about her weight or size and try hard not to be judgemental.

If she makes the conversation about you, by saying, "I'm worried you're not eating enough," keep it about you by saying, "Honestly, I know my body, I'm not restricting myself, this is just how much I normally eat and I'm happy with that. Please can we talk about something else?"

If she mentions her own weight issues, perhaps gently suggest that she tries eating similar amounts to what you eat, as an experiment. Tell her that eating is all about habit and if she's worried about her weight, a good place to start is to try and get into the habit of eating slightly smaller portions. But only say that if she starts talking about her own weight. Otherwise, remain silent on the issue.

MrsJayy · 03/08/2018 15:00

Food is such a hot topic some folk are overly concerned about others eating habits if she wants a chat say but I was full/finished there is nothing else to say really. If you cook put some in the fridge for later next day you don't want food issues ruining your holiday.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 03/08/2018 15:07

You obviously like her enough to go n holiday with her, a blunt response may upset her.

I would firmly buy kindly say something like,

'I value our friendship and I appreciate you worry about me, however I'm a healthy x year old woman and i know how much I can eat. It makes me uncomfortable to have these talks with you, I'm fine, now let's discuss x plans we have later'

LemonBreeland · 03/08/2018 15:08

I think you do need to harden your responses. Don't worry about being rude to her, as she is being rude to you by constantly bringing up what you are eating. Just tell her, you don't need to worry about me. I have a naturally smaller appetite than you and I am not going to be able to eat as much as you, it is upsetting me that you keep talking about it.

HelenUrth · 03/08/2018 15:09

"She'll worry about me if I don't eat as much as her."

I've a relative like this. It's manipulation, pure and simple. It's your business what you eat.

You need to set boundaries with her, let her know not to go there and what will happen if she does, for example :
"Friend": Look at all the food still on your plate, eat up!
You: I've had enough, couldn't eat any more.
F: But I ordered the same as you and mine's all gone, are you not well?
Y: I'm absolutely fine, but I've had enough and we don't need to discuss this any further. What do you want to do after?
F: No, I'm worried about you, I know you and you're not normally like this.
Y: I've said twice now that I've had enough. That's all there is to it. If you're worried you have no reason to. Please respect my answer to you. If you don't, I will get up and leave. Now, what do you want to do after?

If she still ignores you and pushes it, you get up and say, I asked you to listen to me but you didn't. I'm going for a walk now and can meet you at xyz in an hour. But this conversation is over.

SassitudeandSparkle · 03/08/2018 15:09

OP, I'm going with my much-used quote of 'you don't have to turn up to every argument you are invited to'. Just don't discuss the matter. No responses, no conversation!

DarklyDreamingDexter · 03/08/2018 15:13

I doubt very much she's worried about your diet/health unless you are seriously underweight or have an eating disorder. She probably feels ashamed of herself if she tucks into huge portions and it makes her feel better if you're eating the same. She clearly has food issues. Her problems are not your problems. Just stick to a firm line 'that was delicious but I'm full now' and don't be bullied or guilted into eating more than you want to.

petrolpump28 · 03/08/2018 15:22

I would be tempted to get it out there before you go.

happypoobum · 03/08/2018 15:22

Why is she worried about you?

Are you underweight? Do you have a history of eating disorders?

If not, I would suggest what you are calling "worry" is actually controlling behaviour and she wants you to eat more because it is making her feel better about what she eats (you say she has a weight problem)

Just say "Oh no! Not this again! You know we have different appetites."

puppymouse · 03/08/2018 15:34

I don't mean to be harsh to your friend but I suspect she wouldn't "worry" about you if you don't eat as much as her - unless there's a back story here and something's changed weight or appetite-wise for you recently? I suspect she wants you to eat more as it makes her feel more accepting of her own choices.

Original poster
fluffyrobin · 03/08/2018 15:34

Thestoic I'm sad you'd think this is a stealth having a go at fatties thread when I thought I'd worded it with consideration and haven't mentioned either of our weights.

I'm in the normal BMI range but considered slim/skinny by my friend.

It's a shame this whole food subject has turned into an issue between us when really there should be none. I wish it would go away.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 03/08/2018 15:35

The thing about being an adult is ... my choices are the problem here, you get to own your choices.

No is a complete sentence, or you could stretch it it to no, thank you and then change the subject. Simples.

  • She'll worry about me if I don't eat as much as her. I don't want her to worry about me!

But not sure I can find the phrase to stop her worrying.*

You can't, just ignore as you would a toddler

PurpleDaisies · 03/08/2018 15:37

Where on the normal BMI range? It’s about a three stone window.

rookiemere · 03/08/2018 15:39

Doesn't really matter where OP is on normal BMI scale- all we need to know is that she is within normal limits so not underweight.

rollingonariver · 03/08/2018 15:42

I totally understand where your friend is coming from, when I've been bigger I always want to order a salad or something when I go out because I feel like everyone is judging. She probably thinks the same about you, she's not worried about you she wants you to validate how much she eats.
It's a hard issue because you say she's a good friend and all but honestly you need to just tell her. I'd probably feign an illness that means I can't eat as much but that's probably not the most mature way to go about it !