What to say diplomatically?

[fluffyrobin]

I am due to go on holiday for a week with my lovely friend. I love her to bits and we get on really well, but there has been an issue that creeps up every time which I would just like some help with please.

She always insists we eat out, or if we cook together, she insists we cook (and eat) huge amounts.

I love food but I simply cannot eat the vast quantities she loves. But then she will worry that I'm not eating or not eating enough.

What can I say that is kind as I don't want her to be upset. She admits she has a weight problem and it is a sensitive issue for her.

I'm sad you'd think this is a stealth having a go at fatties thread when I thought I'd worded it with consideration and haven't mentioned either of our weights.

Dog-whistling. You’re sad because at least one person saw through it.

If you’re genuine, tell her not to talk about food. End of conversation.

My dsis. constantly criticises my food choices . I have to tell her that it's my life and I don't criticise her so she should not criticise me. She sort of listens for a while

Diplomacy doesn't cut it!

How about a very blunt 'mind your own fucking business'. ??

My response would be very hard on this one. I don't like anyone micro managing me. I can't spend time with people who think they can control others.

Just be blunt. Maybe that'll give her food for thought and be wary for the future.

”She admits she has a weight problem and it is a sensitive issue for her.”

”She'll worry about me if I don't eat as much as her.”

If she knows she has a weight problem she isn’t worried about you. She’s trying to make sure she doesn’t feel as bad about her own food choices. I’m sure it’s difficult for her if she’s going to this sort of length to try and fool herself. So I can appreciate why you don’t want to be harsh. But you aren’t doing her any favours by playing along and she’s treating you poorly by using you like this to make herself feel better.

Just make the food choices that suit you, don’t eat more than you want to and don’t make any sort of negative comment or make it difficult for her to make her choices. If she bugs you about it, just tell her you aren’t/weren’t hungry and don’t/didn’t want more food at that point.

If you’ve previously eaten a lot more to make her feel better you might give her a heads up before the holiday so she can prepare for this. Possibly, one of the things she’s looking forward to is having her food choices validated by you as has previously happened and a little time to get her head around might stop her disappointment from spoiling the holiday for her. You could either put the sticking to your own limits into practice before you go (if you’re likely to eat with her before hand) or you could call/email/drop her a text along the lines of “Just a heads up, I’m trying to eat more moderately this holiday. Have felt a bit sluggish after previous ones.” or similar.

I have a long-standing friend who I will meet occasionally for lunch at the weekend. She will then go straight to the gym afterwards to work of what she's eaten. Even though she chose carefully from the menu and only drank water as her drink - no dessert or starter. (It's unlikely to be about the cost - bcos she's deservedly in a high-paying job.) She wears a size 8 and every now and then she's made a few comments that make me think that she's very keen to maintain that (possibly unnatural for her, size?) For instance, my friend will admit to have eaten next to nothing for the whole day because she knew we had arranged to eat out later. She also told me that she's currently doing the 5:2 diet. We actively play for the same team in a sporting activity - so we're (reasonably) healthy.

One of the things about being on holiday with someone is that they get to see what you eat for the whole day - as opposed to just meeting up for lunch or dinner. So, in my friend's case, if we were on holiday together and I saw that she ate nothing for practically most of the day - maybe I might make an (unwelcome) comment to her about hardly eating anything? However, it's less of 'right under our noses' issue, if we're only eating together occasionally for a few hours. I'm just looking at this from another perspective op - not claiming it's the same for you.

'She's trying to normalise her over eating'

This. Just say what I eat is my decision and firmly end conversation either by changing subject or walking away. She'll get message. Subtle hints usually go over people's head in tricky situations IME & can make things worse.

Are you very very slim?

I am BMI 19, about 5,4 and weigh 8.4 stone. I’m about a size 8/10. I don’t look skinny as I have a medium frame and I eat pretty well.

A good friend is about 4,11 and she probably weighs about 7.5 stone. She is tiny. Her frame is tiny. Her face and hands are boney. People ask her to eat more a lot. It’s induriating for her. She’s just very petite.

I don't really understand the problem. By having a smaller appetite you are not criticising hers. Just say you have had enouf=gh and you feel ill if you overeat. Surely she knows what your appetite is like. When you eat in, you do the cooking and serve yourself a smaller portion

Atalune, you could be me!

And yes, actually sometimes I only want to eat once a day if it's a hot day, whereas she will be thinking about food almost constantly as in planning it and preparing for it, and wanting 3 large meals a day plus snacks in between.

I really can go all day without eating much as I never have a feeling of hunger so I have to literally make time to eat as I never have the urge, if you see what I mean.

I suppose going on holiday is going to put all this in sharp focus but I am armed with your advice, so feel a bit braver about just being me.

I suppose never having much of an appetite is unusual. Am I alone?!

I don’t eat a lot and I get this from everyone

‘I’m finished’
‘THATS why you’re so skinny’

Worst part is I’m not even underweight or close to. In fact it was only a couple of months ago I was pushing into the overweight range. It’s madness and it does get on my nerves after a while!

Yes I've found myself doubting myself even though I have a lot of energy..ok, I'm not normal in the sense that I'm not governed by hunger pangs.

You’re not alone op. I’m an identical height/weight to you (well not right now as I’m pregnant)

I would eat my breakfast, perhaps a bit of fruit etc at lunchtime and then a meal on the evening. I genuinely don’t need more. I’m always amazed by how much food a lot of people pack away! Even pregnant with twins I’ve struggled to eat three times a day. It just leaves me sick and bloated

Your friend is definitely projecting. I’ve had friends do exactly the same to me. Most notably an overweight friend who I recently watched eat three chicken breasts in her evening meal stir fry. Then she cries about being overweight

If you're maintaining your weight, not hungry, etc, you're fine.

Some random thoughts..

I'm your friend, eat loads, think about food & cook a lot but I wouldn't expect others to eat like me. It's as hard to overeat as undereat. It's uncomfortable.

It's a bit tedious if people are pushing food round their plates & it can feel judgy. I have one friend who plates up a small portion for me & a large one for my DH, despite him actually needing fewer calories each day, as he's way lighter than me.

She might be a feeder too. I have a mother who moans at me for having big portions of proper food (meat & veg) & then pushes cake, pudding or biscuits at me. Sigh.

Firm boundaries & a death stare!

And no, not having much of an appetite is fine. Eat as suits, ignore anyone else & just keep an eye on any longer term weight change trends, making sure your activities are adequately fuelled. Note if your sleep is disturbed or you lack energy, if not, tell people to do one!

Even tho I love to eat, two meals a day suits me better...

Talk to her with honesty about your feelings. Tell her you don’t judge her eating and need her not to judge yours. Tell her you will sit down with her while she has a meal but you won’t eat a single tiny thing for any other reason than if you want to.

She needs to know she is undermining you, even if she isn’t meaning to do so.

I speak as an overweight person, big appetite, with a best friend who is healthy and very, very slim, eating very little because she has a small appetite. We can easily go away together by never questioning the others eating.

@fluffyrobin so actually you only want to eat something light and only once a day and she wants to eat three meals and the odd snack, her behaviour isn't unusual for someone on holiday, breakfast, lunch, dinner, maybe an ice cream here and there, for some people trying different local cuisines is part of the experience. I'm beginning to wonder if she does over eat, or whether you are very restrictive about your food intake... You've said normal BMI I'm usually a 10-12 not pregnant, I was an 8 a couple of summers ago largely down to getting into an exercise type I really loved, doing it a lot without increasing my calorie intake, my BMI was healthy but lower end, both my brother and my dad pulled me aside separately because they were worried, looking back now I'm fairly tall, flat chested etc and i did look quite bony , so BMI isn't always a good indicator. You're also getting concerned before hand about controlling your food intake which is a bit of a red flag

If you're regularly consuming under 2000 calories a day you are dieting, nothing wrong with that but if you're already very slim it will raise eyebrows and concerns especially if you carry on the same pattern on holiday when most people relax a little about their calorie intake

It is we fat people who are getting it wrong,not the op. She sounds to be eating the right amount and shouldn’t be made to feel bad about that.

Your overweight friend isn't really 'worried' about you not eating as much as her, she undoubtedly knows she eats too much and doesn't want to acknowledge her greediness by being seen to eat a lot more than you.
I'm very overweight btw but not bothered by who eats or who doesn't.

It is we fat people who are getting it wrong,not the op. She sounds to be eating the right amount and shouldn’t be made to feel bad about that.

She hasn’t said what a typical days eating actually is (unless I’ve missed it). All she’s said is she hardly eats all day, has to force herself to eat because she doesn’t have much of an appetite and is in the normal BMI range (but that could 18).

Things may be fine for the op but there’s not enough information there to say that her attitude to food is ok.

I'm not so sure about a stealth fatty bashing post. Reads to me like OP wants a pat on the back for being very slim and only having a minuscule appetite. Yawn. Have a if you're disordered attitude to food allows it.

Nah, that's not right, you can't say a calorie amount for an individual, particularly not knowing them at all.

It's personal to everyone, the "correct" amount of calories and even then there is a massive issue of how much is actually absorbed, issues with estimated quantities, activity levels, etc. One person's idea of really active is another person's description of lazy! It's really imprecise.

People can get an indication of what sort of calorie level would be about rightish by using a TDEE calculator. But really only tracking "weight" over time is the way to check how balanced intake and output are and most naturally slim people are very good at keeping ups and downs to a minimum.

Even "weight" is an imprecise thing, as it depends on carb intake, water retention, time of day, blah, blah, blah....

This is nothing to do with how much you eat or if you are getting enough nutrients. It is about her wanting you to eat the amount she does, so she does not feel guilty for eating too much. If you
eat the same as her and are slim, she feels justified in the quantity of food she is eating.

It's like if you go out and someone is there who really likes a drink, they can go on and on and push you to drink more just so they have 'company' and don't feel guilty for drinking as much as they have.

I think you need to be firm but kind and have a gentle chat before you go and ask that she not comment on your food consumption while away.

I would be very worried about any kind of friendship that was this intrusive. You need some boundaries!

What you eat, and how much is totally for you to decide. She doesn't get to 'worry' about your food levels unless you have eating disorders or have had them in the past.

I would be tempted to chat to her about this before you go. Tell her that you are concerned she will bring up food intake and it will spoil your time with her, and get her to agree that she will not bring the subject up. It is okay to be honest with a good friend and tell her when she is being annoying, she may think she is being caring (misplaced but possible)

I think you're probably not a great mix. A lot of people enjoy food, sometimes too much. It sounds like a big part of her holiday is enjoying her meals and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure she is also adult enough to understand the effect it will have on her weight.

It would be uncomfortable to try and enjoy your meals when sitting opposite someone who is pushing a bit of salad round their plate and saying how full they are when you quite fancy a pudding. Yes, it might shame the person into eating less which is healthier but it's not much fun.