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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of people telling me how 'nice' my partner is!

65 replies

loppitybop · 02/08/2018 23:05

Ok so DH is a REALLY nice guy - part of what attracted me to him in the first place! Very sweet, lovely, will do things for anyone, friendly to everyone...

However, I am now absolutely sick of people telling me this all the time. We work together and other colleagues are constantly telling me how nice he is, how kind he is, how he has done x or y for them, how lucky I am...
Friends/other acquaintances are the same.

Problem is, as we have been married 6 yrs now he isn't AS nice to me any more!!! Not that he is unkind, he is still the lovely man I married, but he doesn't go out of his way to do things for me at work, or bother with extra stuff.

I am almost feeling jealous of how nice I know he is to others.
I think IABU. Am I?

OP posts:
PamsterWheel · 02/08/2018 23:11

LTB

Cinnamus · 02/08/2018 23:13

I know exactly what you mean! Same situation

Original poster
loppitybop · 02/08/2018 23:14

@Cinnamus

Any coping strategies?!

OP posts:
YaLoVeras · 02/08/2018 23:15

tell him you miss when he was as nice to you as he is to others.

if he's really genuinely a nice guy then he might think about that.

Clairetree1 · 02/08/2018 23:16

tell him how you feel

Singlenotsingle · 02/08/2018 23:18

Yes you are BU. Count your blessings! Some of the men I read about on here are truly awful.

Sunnybeachbabe · 02/08/2018 23:19

I get you. I grew up with a dad like this. He's a lovely, kind, funny man who will chat to anybody. Yet people talked about him like he was some sort of a saint. In fact he's also incredibly inpatient and had a temper that few people ever saw. Even lovely people have flaws because nobody's perfect!

Original poster
loppitybop · 02/08/2018 23:20

I just don’t want to tell him how I feel if IABU!

It’s probably normal not to be quite as “lovely” after being married so long I guess?

OP posts:
newdaylight · 02/08/2018 23:21

Yes you are BU. Count your blessings! Some of the men I read about on here are truly awful.
Yes, women should be forever grateful and indebted to their husbands as long as they're not full blown abusive, and should expect nothing more than that...
Hmm

Sunnybeachbabe · 02/08/2018 23:21

It could be a compliment of sorts, he's at his most comfortable with you, trusts you and so lets his "not quite so nice" side out.

chocolatestrawberries · 02/08/2018 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoboJesus · 02/08/2018 23:23

Maybe you should talk to him about this. He's probably become so comfortable in your relationship he sees you as an extension of himself and so forgets

esk1mo · 02/08/2018 23:26

i had this with my exDP. he was so lovely to everyone, always going out of his way to help them but at home he was useless and always put me last.

i asked him about it once and he admitted he was like that and didnt know why

Poptart4 · 02/08/2018 23:27

It sounds like your hubby likes to be liked so goes out of his way to be nice. Thats not to say he's not a genuinely nice guy but i suspect hes over egging it around others. The problem is no one can put on an act all of the time. When he's at home he probably relaxes and the real him comes out. Which again the real him is a nice guy just not the saint he portrays himself to be.

No advice but i feel your frustration.

hearmyvoice · 02/08/2018 23:32

I may be married to your DH too!
exactly the same situation, I HATE when he so enthusiastically wants to help others but now with me it seems like I'm a nuisance when I want help. Sad no help sorry but just to say I know how you feel.

thejeangenie36 · 02/08/2018 23:37

I have a close friend like this - super nice to everyone, everyone says he's a great guy etc - and he is a great guy. But he only lets out the aspects of his personality that are not so great around people he trusts and is close to.

alphajuliet123 · 02/08/2018 23:40

Same here! Sometimes I just want to tell them that at home he can be a tetchy grumpy twat who needs a frying pan wrapped round his head.

DameSquashalot · 02/08/2018 23:40

I totally get you *Sunny"

DameSquashalot · 02/08/2018 23:41

Sunny

UnfinishedSenten · 02/08/2018 23:42

Same, I'm constantly hearing from friends and family about how lucky I am to have him.
I got Pissed off one day with a friend that said 2/3 times, i responded with "why? Am I not good enough for him?" Blush
Thing is, although he's lovely, kind hearted and a bit laid back, he's a bit fucking lazy around the house and he leaves his fucking socks lying around around Envy

Original poster
loppitybop · 02/08/2018 23:43

Yes also feel like they are sometimes trying to tell me he is so nice, as if I am not so nice!

I just think you don't see him at home when he watches football all day and doesn't speak to me!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 02/08/2018 23:44

Yanbu, exactly same situation here.
Dh is often busy helping out one friend or another, but he can only do it cos I'm picking up the pieces at home.
I remember when dc were much younger and harder, him going off for a few hours (all day) to help some friends move. All adults, all had fun and a few beers whilst doing it. I was stuck at home having a bad day with toddler plus baby. Couldn't have said no cos I would have seemed mean. But all the thank yous came rolling in for him for ages. Grr.

ShadyLady53 · 02/08/2018 23:58

I had an ex like this and we worked together too. It used to really upset me. I remember once both of us having to go on a very important business trip that we couldn’t get out of. It involved a three hour train journey and I woke up feeling awful. By the time I got to the train station I had a fever and terrible headache and I almost fainted on the platform. When we got to our reserved seats a frail, elderly lady was sat in mine and I didn’t have the heart to ask her to move as the train was full. My ex plonked himself down on his seat and handed me his rucksack to put up for him and for the rest of the journey I had to stand in the aisle listening to him being devastatingly charming to the old dears at the table seat and offering to get peoples bags up or down for them and offering to help them off at the other end. I was so poorly I was like a zombie but at the times I was “with it” I remember thinking “you bastard! How dare you be so charming to all these people but treat your sick girlfriend like a total stranger!” The ladies were all cooing over him as well, saying what a charming, well mannered young gentleman he was. He was grinning like a Cheshire Cat, proud as punch of himself.

I also remember at work he’d always greet everyone with “Good Morning, don’t you look lovely today? How is your day going so far?” whilst he would punch my shoulder, pull my hair, flick me or grunt at me when he wanted my attention. As other posters suggest, he thought as should be flattered that he could let the mask drop with me and not have to put all the effort in. In the end I LTB.

I’m sure your husband is genuinely lovely so it might be worth having a conversation about the fact it upsets you a little that he’s not as nice to you, the woman he chose to spend his life with, as everyone else. He most likely doesn’t realise and has just got a bit complacent and takes you for granted a little. How’s the relationship otherwise? Do you still “date” and have individual interests/pursuits or are you both in a bit of a rut? Maybe you could both use this as an opportunity to rekindle the flame a bit?

Original poster
loppitybop · 03/08/2018 00:05

Glad to hear I am not alone! Thanks for sharing your stories.

The relationship is largely fine, we have kids so lots of time taken up by them, we do still have date nights, have sex etc and things are ok! He also isn’t horrible to me at all, he just doesn’t go “the extra mile” with me like he does with others. He is obsessed by football and plays at weekends and watches it the whole time, but does take kids out and does family stuff too. I think we are a pretty average couple!

Just at work it really bothers me, he barely speaks to me (but we don’t work in the same dept) then I have all these other women telling me how sweet and supportive and lovely he is! Just wish I saw more of that side of him, I miss it!

Maybe I should tell him but I think he might be a bit offended/pissed off!

OP posts:
sporadicrains · 03/08/2018 00:10

Oh yes - I have one too. He'll fall over himself bending over backwards to help other people, but often it means that his wife and kids come second to everybody else, and we end up inconvenienced while he runs around doing favours.

He's then tired and fed up when he gets home, and is usually fairly grumpy. It pisses me off when all and sundry then sing his praises and tell me how lucky I am to be married to such a marvellous chap.

We never get to see the cheery, friendly, helpful all-round nice guy that everyone else sees.