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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of people telling me how 'nice' my partner is!

65 replies

loppitybop · 02/08/2018 23:05

Ok so DH is a REALLY nice guy - part of what attracted me to him in the first place! Very sweet, lovely, will do things for anyone, friendly to everyone...

However, I am now absolutely sick of people telling me this all the time. We work together and other colleagues are constantly telling me how nice he is, how kind he is, how he has done x or y for them, how lucky I am...
Friends/other acquaintances are the same.

Problem is, as we have been married 6 yrs now he isn't AS nice to me any more!!! Not that he is unkind, he is still the lovely man I married, but he doesn't go out of his way to do things for me at work, or bother with extra stuff.

I am almost feeling jealous of how nice I know he is to others.
I think IABU. Am I?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 03/08/2018 09:02

He sounds complacent and that can be dangerous for a relationship. He should still be as lovely, if anything he should be loveliest to you not anyone else.

spanishwife · 03/08/2018 09:02

I think YABU. People reflect behaviours. Are you still as nice to him as you were when you met? Sounds like you've just got comfortable together. Perhaps he would say the same thing?

People are generally nicer to new people and people they need stuff from e.g. colleagues, so that explains that.

I am always super proud and happy when I hear lovely compliments about my OH.

Original poster

loppitybop · 03/08/2018 09:17

Maybe I’m not as nice as when we first got together, but I do nice things for him a lot: book nice restaurants, make his favourite dinners, do extra with the kids so he doesn’t have to, give him time to do his own thing, try and have a good chat with him at least once a day... etc

I think posters may be right that he is a bit complacent! I might try and speak to him but without putting it all on him!

OP posts:

spanishwife · 03/08/2018 09:51

Women do tend to pick up on these micro-changes in relationships more than men do. In situations where we have become a bit thoughtless/complacent and distant from each other, I just do something especially nice and encourage a bit more playfulness and this usually triggers the same in him and we re-connect.

ShumpaLumpa · 03/08/2018 10:00

I would say 'You should see what he's like at home!'

Stop perpetuating the myth at work that he's amazing.

Then next time tell him so and so told me how you spoke to her for over half an hour about her problem and I told her that I wouldn't get 5 minutes of your time if I had a similar issue.

Stop helping him maintain this false persona at work.

spanishwife · 03/08/2018 10:27

What I simply don't understand is the need to bring your partner down?
Stop perpetuating the myth at work that he's amazing.
Stop helping him maintain this false persona at work.

He is 'amazing' at work because he acts how he feels is appropriate for the situation. If his wife doesn't feel appreciated enough at home, then that's an issue to be discussed. What's not ok is slagging off your partner to everyone else out of bitterness and jealousy - you're supposed to be a team?!

Attitudes like this are exactly why people have issues and have to come on MN in the first place!

ShumpaLumpa · 03/08/2018 10:35

How is 'you should see what he's like at home!' slagging him off?

spanishwife · 03/08/2018 11:02

How is it not? Someone is giving a compliment and you jump in there with negativity, so that the person thinks badly about him.

Original poster

loppitybop · 03/08/2018 11:02

I would never say “you should see what he’s like at home” as we work together and slagging DH off at work is not how I want to come across!

OP posts:

EvaHarknessRose · 03/08/2018 11:07

I should leave it alone. If you didn't work together it wouldn't be an issue and he is not doing anything wrong. Remember you are also likely to be in that mid life happiness slump that's a fashionable theory now, so if you stay ok through these years, then after 50 you should get back to peak relationship happiness!

MistressDeeCee · 03/08/2018 14:09

I know what you mean. DP is a lovely guy. Very mellow. But I roll eyes at the amount of 'he's such a nice guy' comments. It's all based on the 'outside', they don't know him or our lives, only the 2 people within a relationship know the real deal. Its all superficial - if someone looks and sounds good, it makes him all that n more. For all they know he
could be a grumpy so n so indoors; he isn't - but he has his moments as we all do, nobody is nice ALL the time. Oh to be a man and a saint🙄

MistressDeeCee · 03/08/2018 14:23

YABU to be jealous tho. Him being complimented should not take away from who you are. The issues behind your envy are what need to be resolved. I wouldn't disparage OH in front of anybody, just as he wouldn't to me. We're a team. I agree re you not wanting to slag your DH off in front of people. Your issue doesn't sound unresolvable, at least

ConkerGame · 03/08/2018 15:10

Yes! The “nicest” people are always the worst people to have close! What’s the point in having them close when they’ll be nice to you even if you’re not?!

I’ve had this in a variety of forms over my life - my DF will help out anyone and everyone and people are always telling my DM how great he is. However she was the one left at home either bored and lonely or overburdened with chores whilst he was out helping the whole neighbourhood!

Then I had a close friend at uni who is honestly the “nicest” person I’ve ever met - never ever says anything bad about anyone at all, never does anything mean. But she ended up being a pretty crap friend because of it. E.g. someone we both knew betrayed me in a horrible way and she continued to be close friends with them as she couldn’t cut them out or bitch about them as that would be “mean” - never mind that meaning she didn’t see so much of me as I (trust me, understandably) didn’t ever want to be around this girl. Also meant she couldn’t make proper time for me when I needed it as she had too many other commitments with people.

I learnt after that not to bother trying to be close with people who are everyone’s best friend. You have nothing to gain from it!

Equally I had a horrible ex who was really friendly with everyone else. Used to find it quite upsetting when people would come over specifically to tell me how nice he was and how lucky I must feel. When I told people are we split up, they wouldn’t believe me as “he’s too nice to be like that!”

crosstalk · 03/08/2018 15:28

With you OP. I have a lovely husband who is loved and known for his generosity and kindness. Unfortunately he was also unreliable so let me and his DCs down - and ended up over time being drunk and abusive, losing several jobs and isolating me because I couldn't have friends round in case he didn't turn up/turned up drunk. I'm now leaving - but he's still a "wonderfully kind man" and his new gf thinks the world of him - including his "brilliant gardening skills" because she's seen pictures he's sent of the garden I made. Yes, he is innately kind and still often is to me and his DCs, but it's not the same as rock solid.

Speak to your OP and talk it through before it's too late.

CloudPop · 03/08/2018 19:24

A friend has the exact opposite. Everyone thinks her husband is a hard nosed bastard in the workplace when in fact he is is floppy puppy when he's at home with her and especially the kids

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