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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of people telling me how 'nice' my partner is!

65 replies

loppitybop · 02/08/2018 23:05

Ok so DH is a REALLY nice guy - part of what attracted me to him in the first place! Very sweet, lovely, will do things for anyone, friendly to everyone...

However, I am now absolutely sick of people telling me this all the time. We work together and other colleagues are constantly telling me how nice he is, how kind he is, how he has done x or y for them, how lucky I am...
Friends/other acquaintances are the same.

Problem is, as we have been married 6 yrs now he isn't AS nice to me any more!!! Not that he is unkind, he is still the lovely man I married, but he doesn't go out of his way to do things for me at work, or bother with extra stuff.

I am almost feeling jealous of how nice I know he is to others.
I think IABU. Am I?

OP posts:

Crunched · 03/08/2018 00:12

I have lost count of how many men have taken me to one side to say that my DH is the most honest and loyal friend they have. DH is a really good bloke,he is genuine and he likes humanity.
Guess it particularly annoys me because I feel the hidden message is that he is too good for me! Need to fight my insecurities.

MarcieBluebell · 03/08/2018 00:13

Playing devil's advocate bit mabey it's a work thing. Most people wear a work mask. I know at work I have a smile and accept my bosses orders and try to help others.

But at home I want to relax and can be a bit grumpy or have a gossip. I think it's normal for ppl to have two sides like this. Unfortunately you working together means you hear about it!

Thinkingofausername1 · 03/08/2018 00:14

Get what you mean. I get sick of dh's colleagues telling me how much they love him and how great he is. Oh would they like to know how he is at home and how he's so stubborn there is never any give or take!

InsomniacAnonymous · 03/08/2018 00:14

Is the problem that people keep saying he's lovely, whereas you know that he's not in fact lovely 100% of the time? Are you? Is anybody? What is your own behaviour like?

MuddlingThrough1724 · 03/08/2018 00:15

Oh yes, everyone says this about my DH too, little do they know he's a compulsive liar and serial cheat. We're working through it, but it really grates when your friends say how great he is when they'd be saying the opposite if they knew!

ShadyLady53 · 03/08/2018 00:18

Tell him! I mean you’re a bit offended and pissed off yourself aren’t you? Maybe if he was aware of that he’d be a bit more thoughtful. He’s got his own thing going on with football but do you have your own interests too outside of family life? I realised I’d stopped living my own life and started doing everything with ex and I started focusing on myself a bit more. I took up a hobby that involved me being around other men (I wasn’t interested in the men, just the hobby lol) and by God did his behaviour change. It was like he realised he had to up the bar a bit and he became much more charming towards me again. Might be worth a try? Although I realise it’s hard to find any time with young children.

Original poster

loppitybop · 03/08/2018 00:18

Yes I guess the problem is people saying he’s lovely/ so helpful / so supportive / such a great guy when I’m like.... he isn’t like that with me!
Also the problem is I have no doubt he is this really lovely great supportive guy to them, because that’s how he was before we were married and got together. I used to constantly want to be with him because he was always so lovely and cheered me up and helped with stuff.
I guess the problem is he is still being that sweet guy to other people but I don’t see it so much.
Also my own behaviour I think is pretty standard. I can be a little insecure but generally try to be a good wife, dote on my kids, do stuff with him, let him watch copious amounts of footie, talk with him about stuff!

OP posts:

Original poster

loppitybop · 03/08/2018 00:20

No I don’t particularly have many hobbies outside of family life, but it’s hard with the kids! I do see friends and socialise!

OP posts:

Slapbetcommissioner · 03/08/2018 00:22

Look at them really confused and say 'is he?' shrug, walk away.

pallisers · 03/08/2018 00:25

honestly, this would annoy me too so I can see where you are coming from.

DH is nicer than me than he is to anyone - and I am the same to him. because we like each other more than anyone else. Sometimes we take each other for granted/act badly/whatever but in general we are more considerate of each other (and our kids) than anyone else.

Occasionally we will go the extra mile for people beyond what we would do for each other - like I might say to him "you can uber to the airport right" but I would insist on bringing MIL myself.

sounds like he has gotten into the habit of taking you for granted. Which isn't strange after a few years of marriage/kids etc. But maybe go out for a drink with him and tell him you'd love for the two of you to be as nice or nicer to each other as you are to others.

villageshop · 03/08/2018 00:30

Yup, me too. Always being told how lucky I am. I used to think why doesn't anyone ever say how lucky he is to have me! I've got used to it now but still...

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 03/08/2018 00:31

Next time someone says “oh your DH is sooooo lovely! What a nice guy! You’re sooo lucky to be married to such a great bloke!”
You say
“He’s a bit of a cunt actually “

Original poster

loppitybop · 03/08/2018 00:33

Example -
The other day I had this young colleague come and telll me how lovely he had been to her when she had been upset over something at work , apparently he chatted things through with her for half an hour, cheered her up no end, and was totally caring.

I was thinking... if i came home from work upset he would probably give me a quick cuddle then put the footie on !

OP posts:

Justgettothepoint · 03/08/2018 00:33

alpha can I borrow your pan when your done with it?!

morekidsthanhands · 03/08/2018 00:42

I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE

Everyone goes on about how lovely my boyfriend is and how lucky I am because he will do anything asked of him.
Problem is he does nothing without being asked including shower. I never get a birthday card because he 'hadn't thought'. And he does any over time asked of him - he's currently on a 48 hour shift leaving me at home with our one year old and his young niece and nephew who live with us - he said yes to that aswell!
I know I am lucky in some ways but in others I have an extra child who leaves the microwave open if he uses it and his half finished meals on the floor. I feel like I'm constantly nagging him.

QueenDoris · 03/08/2018 04:04

It sounds absolutely terrible. Suggest you leave him for some sweaty fat bloke who demands his dinner on the table at 6pm sharpish every night before buggering off down the pub in sinking 8 pints.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 03/08/2018 07:40

I would hate it if my dp treated me the same as he treats other people. He is a genuinely lovely man and so nice to everyone but with me he can relax and be himself (this works both ways)
As both of us are people pleasers, I am glad to have found someone I trust enough to be a bit selfish with - however strange that concept is.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/08/2018 08:14

Another irritating thing my nice dh does, is in all the 20 years I've known him, he's never said a single thing mean about anyone. Doesn't matter what they've done. Drives me mad. So I can't talk to him if one of our friends does something irritating, he would just go 'uh uh' and think I was a bitch.
Example - a friend of ours never ever reciprocates hosting. Not once and we've had him hundreds. Never brings anything. I said about a year ago I wasn't hosting him anymore. Dh doesn't agree so still does, spending £60 a time on a huge lump of good steak. (I should clarify that £60 doesn't make any difference to our quality of life).

TacoLover · 03/08/2018 08:18

Maybe he's always gone the extra mile for you but it wasn't reciprocated so he can't be arsed anymore?

arethereanyleftatall · 03/08/2018 08:21

Oooh now there's a point @TacoLover
I don't think so though, I'm nice I think!

Branleuse · 03/08/2018 08:21

Yeah my ex would do anything for anyone - except me

mineisarossini · 03/08/2018 08:28

I am like this.

Unfortunately by the time I have finished helping everyone else there is no energy left for my dh. I know this isn’t fair to him. I love him more than anything, and when he is around it is nice just to be myself and totally relax. So combined with lack of energy and the need for downtime he is often overlooked.

People always come to me because I am nice and will do what I can for them, so even when I want to stop/haven’t the energy it is not always possible. Lately I have been doing less.
I think it stems from deep seated insecurity, he doesn’t feel quite good enough as he is, so always needs to give or do more. It is draining tbh for him and for you.

I keep trying to focus more on my dh and will do so more after reading your msg.
Have a gentle word saying how lovely he is, and you would like him to save some energy for you. He needs to see being kind as units of energy and once he has given them all away ( to a bunch of nobodies) there are none left ( they are not infinite) he may see it differently then.

Cambionome · 03/08/2018 08:28

Tell him!!! So what if he's offended - he ought to be bloody offended if he barely speaks to you all day while simultaneously being ultra charming to young women in the office.

DerelictWreck · 03/08/2018 08:52

Got to be honest Morekidsthanhands, I know I am lucky in some ways - doesn't sound like it! Your DP sounds like a lot of work!

CaffeineAndCrochet · 03/08/2018 08:55

Are you still the same to him as you were when you first got together? Maybe, instead of telling him, lead by example and start being extra nice to him again.

That sounds a little Stepford but it works for me and DP. If I start feeling like we are taking each other for granted, I'll buy him something small just because - even just the biscuits he likes when I'm doing the shopping - or will do something small for him. It usually leads to a period of us both being that bit nicer to each other and feeling more connected.

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