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Original poster

To be suspicious and pissed off with DH?

73 replies

cricketmum84 · 02/08/2018 22:49

Sorry if this is long but I don't want to drip feed. Am currently on the sofa while he is in bed and this is driving me mad.

DH got a new phone about 6 months ago. Since he got the new phone he always puts it down face down and it's pissing me off! It's making me suspicious that he has something to hide.

We have been together for 10 years, married for 3. He has never given me reason to think he would be unfaithful and tbh I don't see where he would have time as he doesn't socialise and always comes straight home from work. He deletes all his texts after reading but this is something he always does as he says it saves space in his phone.

I mentioned that I found it weird that he always puts his phone face down. He got very defensive saying I had no trust in him and it was just a more comfortable way to handle his phone. He was really off with me where normally he would be quite empathetic. My anxiety is very bad at the moment and only been back on ADs for 3 days so am more sensitive than usual but it just seemed so out of character for him to get so defensive.

We have hardly spoken on our way home from tea out. On the sofa he playfully punched me in the side I assume to try and make up but it really hurt me and I shouted at him not to punch me. Again he said I'm overreacting and has then sat in silence for an hour while I am distraught (not visibly) with my anxiety doing a million miles an hour.

I asked him when he stopped giving a shit. He said it was when I started accusing him of things he hadn't done and stormed off to bed. I said he was a fucking coward for not facing it.

I know I'm conflicted and not thinking straight partly because of my stupid head and partly because of meds but I suppose I really need an unbiased opinion here. Do I go up to bed or sleep on the sofa. Do I speak to him? Who is in the wrong? Me? Him? Both of us?

OP posts:
Nunyabusiness · 02/08/2018 22:52

Go and give him a cuddle, and take it from there

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 02/08/2018 22:55

I suppose I'm most annoyed that he isn't understanding how bad the anxiety is and that it's probably caused all of this. I posted the other day about going back on ADs as he had been quite negative about me going back on them asking if I really needed them. They increase anxiety in the first couple of weeks so I'm not like this all the time honest.

I feel like he is fed up of having to deal with the anxiety and cannot he bothered anymore and I'm not sure I can just go and cuddle him when he feels like that.

OP posts:
Bigpizzalover · 02/08/2018 22:57

I put my phone face down so when I pick it up and turn my hand is in ‘texting position’ if that makes sense... if it’s face up, you have to pick it up and then adjust your grip. I’m not hiding anything, I’m just lazy and like ease.

Apart from the phone you have no other reason to believe he is up to no good, so on that basis and my preference for my phone I would probably give him the benefit of the doubt.

He is probably snappy because it can’t be nice been accused of something you haven’t done (if that’s the case) and you are bound to not be thinking rationially with anxiety and your body adjusting to ADs (AD taker here)

I don’t think either of you have been particularly unreasonable I can see both sides, I think a calm chat should be enough Flowers

MissConductUS · 02/08/2018 22:58

It's very simple to turn off message notifications on a smartphone, so if he was trying to hide people texting or messaging him, that would be a much more reliable way to do it.

I said he was a fucking coward for not facing it.

Based on what you've posted, this was really over the top. Go up and tell him you were out of sorts when you said this. I think you should back it down with him and try to reconnect.

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 02/08/2018 23:05

Well he has left his phone downstairs and he knows I know his passcode. Although with the way he deletes his messages this could just be a double bluff and he knows there's nothing I could find.

I think the biggest thing is the lack of understanding and how fed up he seems with me. I get that it must be really hard living with someone with anxiety and depression, things are better than they have been but still not perfect. But it just feels like he has given up on me 😢

OP posts:
Prettysureitsnotok · 02/08/2018 23:09

I don’t think you can really judge his reaction to this request until you can sit down calmly and explain how you feel, and that he can alleviate some of your anxiety by not always doing that. I get it. Some people wouldn’t refuse to change habits or pander though.

letsdolunch321 · 02/08/2018 23:11

Awww don’t take it all to heart. The poke in the ribs was possibly his way of seeing how the land lies - if you were up for being sociable.

Tell your fella of your anxiousness - no harm
In confiding in him

Bigpizzalover · 02/08/2018 23:12

I think that shows you can trust him, yes he deletes messages but you have said this isn’t new, and he could always get another message when he’s left his phone you could access with his passcode.

I get it I really do, I suffer from depression, that followed on from PND, I’ve never been able to shake off ‘all’ of the low mood, I’m not easy to live with and I have times when I feel like my partner would rather be anywhere else and at times he probably does feel like that. Leave him for tonight to cool down, I find writing a letter and popping it somewhere he will see it to read before speaking helps. Say what you said in your last paragraph and then just speak.

Singlenotsingle · 02/08/2018 23:16

I delete all my emails to save memory space, but I'm not up to anything! Promise!

Duskqueen · 02/08/2018 23:32

He hasn't given up on you, he is just hurt that you have accused him of cheating. He feels a bit that you don't trust him when he has stood by you with your MH issues. At this point we have to assume he is innocent and just hurt, not covering anything. My DH puts his phone face down, it always bugged me, and I admit going through his phone on a couple of occasions, found nothing. It's just the way he puts his phone down.
Go up apologise and give him a cuddle.

RhubarbTea · 02/08/2018 23:41

I dunno, I think instincts are good and if you feel he has given up on you, maybe he is mentally checking out a bit from the relationship because it's difficult at the moment - that seems to be your true worry, not the phone as such which is a bit of a smokescreen. Essentially it sounds like you are worried he has gone off you because of your mental health? Is it possible to tell him that? Has he been sympathetic about anxiety and stuff in the past and what do you think might have changed? Could he have a bit of compassion fatigue? Not condoning anything as such, try wondering what's going on for him. But best thing is to ask him and have a calm chat rather than going to bed on an argument. x

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 02/08/2018 23:41

He has definitely given up. Went up and he was sleeping like a baby. Not a care in the world. If that was me there is no where I would be able to sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
cricketmum84 · 02/08/2018 23:42

*no way

OP posts:
RhubarbTea · 02/08/2018 23:42
  • just wondering, not try wondering.
RhubarbTea · 02/08/2018 23:44

Try not to catastophise, he may be currently less invested but that doesn't mean he has given up. He may have been tired and just fell asleep instantly - doesn't mean he doesn't care for you.

BertieBeats · 02/08/2018 23:45

Regarding facing the phone down ,does he have a case ? Or at least a case that protects the camera ? I don't and always gave the phone down because I don't want to scratch the camera lense (always have a screen protector so don't care if front gets scratched ).

Whipsmart · 02/08/2018 23:50

What phone in 2018 needs you to delete messages to save space?!

I mentioned that I found it weird that he always puts his phone face down. He got very defensive saying I had no trust in him Why would he be defensive over this? Unless you asked him in an aggressive accusatory tone? If I said this to my DP he'd make a joke about it, not go on the defensive.

It sounds a bit odd to me! But at the same time perhaps your anxiety and meds are making everything seem like a much bigger deal than usual? Everyone else on this thread seems to think it's fine so I'm wondering if there's some backstory I'm missing?

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 02/08/2018 23:54

@Whipsmart this is why I was suspicious - his reaction. Even while he was getting defensive I kept saying I want accusing him of anything, that it made me uncomfortable and I would feel happier if he didn't do it. He said he wouldn't change just for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
cricketmum84 · 02/08/2018 23:55

@BertieBeats yes he has a case. He is very particular about protecting any tech gadgets so ensured he had a case that protected the camera and the screen x

OP posts:
Original poster
cricketmum84 · 02/08/2018 23:56

@RhubarbTea catastrophise is my middle name at the moment. I just want him to care enough to sort this out and not just fall asleep.

For me to sleep all has to be ok in the world. If I had hurt him or upset him sleep isn't happening. Hence me on MN with a G&T

OP posts:
spottybetty · 03/08/2018 00:09

But you and he are different. Don't judge him by your own rules.

Maybe he is tired and worn down with dealing with your MH issues. But you need to sit down and talk to him properly about it. Best of luck.

RhubarbTea · 03/08/2018 00:10

It's a bit chicken and egg isn't it - him being defensive makes your anxiety spiral, but your anxiety makes him fed up and start to check out, which makes you even more anxious.

I have had horrendous anxiety in my life, the worst times were when I was pregnant, and in my last relationship. I thought I was just being crazy by the end of the relationship but i realise with hindsight and therapy that I did have a lot of legitimate things to be worried about, so I would never tell someone to play down their concerns. At the same time, I know how anxiety can f*ck with your head to the extent you feel convinced of awful stuff, it is very difficult and a very lonely place to be. Because you end up doubting your instincts.

It is common for men to develop fun, escapist people to keep on the back burner who they can chat to when life gets difficult at home or they feel unappreciated or fed up with their partner. Okay, it's not just men who do it although on here it's predominantly stories of women who have had this happen to them because of a male partner mentally going AWOL even though they're not physically going anywhere. I've also read loads about the defensiveness, bluster and lying to know that you pretty much never get the full truth, when there is stuff going on.

There are so many options - cross because they are irritable from feeling constantly in a caretaking role, all the way up to cam sites or porn, it's just impossible to know and accepting that you can't know at the moment is the best way to get some rest.
Try and chat in the morning and don't accuse, just use 'I feel...' statements and ask questions and hopefully he'll be more open.

MissConductUS · 03/08/2018 00:12

Hence me on MN with a G&T

PND, anxiety and alcohol are a very bad mix.

You called him "a fucking coward". Most men would react rather badly to that. I'm not surprised he's withdrawn from you.

OptimisticIntrovert · 03/08/2018 00:15

I say this gently; living with someone with depression/ anxiety can be really draining- it isn't intuitive to know what will trigger them if you don't have it yourself.
Go and give him a cuddle.

LEMtheoriginal · 03/08/2018 00:20

Am i the only one to notice that after an argument tge op's partner thumped her hard enough to hurt her?

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