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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be suspicious and pissed off with DH?

73 replies

cricketmum84 · 02/08/2018 22:49

Sorry if this is long but I don't want to drip feed. Am currently on the sofa while he is in bed and this is driving me mad.

DH got a new phone about 6 months ago. Since he got the new phone he always puts it down face down and it's pissing me off! It's making me suspicious that he has something to hide.

We have been together for 10 years, married for 3. He has never given me reason to think he would be unfaithful and tbh I don't see where he would have time as he doesn't socialise and always comes straight home from work. He deletes all his texts after reading but this is something he always does as he says it saves space in his phone.

I mentioned that I found it weird that he always puts his phone face down. He got very defensive saying I had no trust in him and it was just a more comfortable way to handle his phone. He was really off with me where normally he would be quite empathetic. My anxiety is very bad at the moment and only been back on ADs for 3 days so am more sensitive than usual but it just seemed so out of character for him to get so defensive.

We have hardly spoken on our way home from tea out. On the sofa he playfully punched me in the side I assume to try and make up but it really hurt me and I shouted at him not to punch me. Again he said I'm overreacting and has then sat in silence for an hour while I am distraught (not visibly) with my anxiety doing a million miles an hour.

I asked him when he stopped giving a shit. He said it was when I started accusing him of things he hadn't done and stormed off to bed. I said he was a fucking coward for not facing it.

I know I'm conflicted and not thinking straight partly because of my stupid head and partly because of meds but I suppose I really need an unbiased opinion here. Do I go up to bed or sleep on the sofa. Do I speak to him? Who is in the wrong? Me? Him? Both of us?

OP posts:
ImAIdoot · 03/08/2018 00:32

You're jealous to the point you see how he puts his phone down as a reason to distrust him, and you called him a fucking coward.

I mean no nastiness towards you because you have issues that are hard to deal with, but I the kindest thing is to tell you YABU and you know it. Give him a cuddle, talk it through with him. See if how you are feeling definitely, factually corresponds with reality and if it doesn't e're on the side of love, trust and explanation of how you've been feeling.

If there really is a reason to distrust it will come out in the end, don't create distance that hurts you both on the basis of nothing more than suspicion.

dragonflyflew · 03/08/2018 00:38

Devil’s advocate here: every dodgy guy I’ve ever been out with puts their phone face down. Could just be a coincidence. His angry defense isn’t great either. Text messages don’t take up any space nowadays. And the poking so it hurt (for fun) could be a passive aggressive way of hurting you for sussing him out. I have been in a similar position with a bloke who it transpires was keeping huge secrets from me.

SavageBeauty73 · 03/08/2018 00:42

I put my phone face down and always have. My parents and kids are nosy gits and no I've never had an affair.

thebewilderness · 03/08/2018 00:57

On the sofa he playfully punched me in the side I assume to try and make up but it really hurt me and I shouted at him not to punch me. Again he said I'm overreacting and has then sat in silence for an hour while I am distraught (not visibly) with my anxiety doing a million miles an hour.

When they intentionally hurt you by punching you and then when you say ouch they tell you it didn't hurt, your partner is an abusive jerk and probably the source of much of your anxiety. The things he is doing are designed to distress you.
"Why Doe He Do That" is a book you need to read.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 03/08/2018 00:57

Oh OP you sound like me. I’m just coming out of the fog of anxiety and PND and DH still looks like a hurt puppy when he brings up the fact that I accused him of having an affair months ago. He’s never been the sort and he was just stunned at how ludicrous a suggestion it was.

And I can totally relate to feeling upset he can go sleep through it but it’s not a reflection of tbe amount he cares. I don’t know what it is, I can’t sleep after a fight until it’s resolved. But DH always thinks everything looks better after a night’s rest and is much better at empathising and making up in the morning.

Take a deep breath and stop catastrophising. The chances that a previously faithful good man has suddenly started up an affair just as your meds are getting adjusted is low. Much more likely that your anxiety is playing havoc with you right now. Try to get some rest, write down your worries in a notebook and tell yourself you’ll deal with them a month from now, and go give him a cuddle. Force yourself to be the kindest version of yourself. Hugs.

It will get better soon!

scottishdiem · 03/08/2018 01:00

Does the new phone have a finger print scanner on the back as a method of unlocking? It makes sense to then have it fact down to pick up and unlock at the same time.

Dont be worried about him sleeping. He doesnt have your mental health issues so can relax and let go of things easier. This, I hope to understand, is a far better place to be than where you are.

But of course, you are telling him you dont trust him. So that is unpleasant and you need to stop with that if you care for him as much as you think you do when posting here. Also, you havent given him a way to assuage your feelings other than submitting to your will and run all his phone operations past you. No trust in a relationship means no relationship. Do you want to trust him or not. It sounds like you have picked up on a tiny little thing and blown it up beyond any way for him to deal with.

Also, the hitting thing needs to be addressed. "punching" (really?) might be a norm in your relationship but I think there was anger behind it and he needs to apologise for that.

But calling him a fucking coward is one way of asking him to leave I suppose.

rosewater09 · 03/08/2018 01:02

I almost always put my phone face down, and I have nothing to hide from my DP. If there aren't any other worrying signs, then I would ignore it.

Are you dealing with your anxiety in other ways besides taking medication? I ask because while medication helped me deal with my anxiety, therapy was the major turning point for me and where I learned the tools I needed and continue to use today to deal with anxiety. The reason why my life is so good today is because of therapy. I am sure that your DH loves you and wants to be supportive but unless he has mental health training he isn't going to be able to provide you with the type of support you need and having to continually reassure your spouse, deal with mood swings and negative emotions can be incredibly draining and difficult to deal with. You need to find a way to be able to self-soothe.

One thing that I would suggest is to change the way you approach these situations with your DH. Instead of accusing him or telling him he is a coward, you could try framing your feelings in a way that acknowledges his right to privacy, his feelings and your feelings at the same time. So, for example, you could say "DH, you have every right to have your privacy and to use your phone how you see fit, but when you put your phone face down it triggers my anxiety and makes me feel worried. Can we think of a solution together that would make us both feel good about this situation?"

As for your husband sleeping right now, that is probably for the best because you will both be able to have a better conversation and work through this if you are well rested.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/08/2018 01:05

I always leave my phone face down as well! I don't like the light shining up at me...I think that was the reason I started doing it! Anyway, facedown here as well, so I thought it as worth mentioning.

Take care OP, Flowers

Justgettothepoint · 03/08/2018 01:19

OP prob with your anxiety levels being up you're not thinking straight and being over sensitive? Maybe he's sleeping ok because he hasn't a guilty conscience? It's easy to tie yrself up in knots when yr not 100% in yrself. Give him the benefit if the doubt. Like another poster said ads and alcohol not a good mix as you prob realise esp gin which can be a depressant in itself. Not called mothers ruin for nothing. Make yrself a cup if tea and a biscuit. Then go to bed and let it go. It will all look better in the morning I'm sure.

TheMattressKing · 03/08/2018 02:00

All of a sudden my husband started putting his phone down face down and getting very defensive when I mentioned it, not even asking him why, but just mentioning he was doing it. Unfortunately he was having at least two emotional affairs with women (if that was what they were, as he'd never met them in real life to confirm who they really were) he'd met online. At the time this was the only sign I could pick up on to be suspicious there was something untoward going on.

But this does not mean that is what is happening with your husband. As it started happening after your husband got a new phone it could simply be that the size of this phone means he automatically puts it down in a different way to his old phone and it just happens to be face down, there could be other innocuous reasons.

If you have only been back on your ADs for 3 days it might be worth giving it a couple of weeks to get them working properly and hopefully 'clear your head' a bit, as you are possibly at risk of making a mountain out of a molehill. You need to try and sit down with your husband and have rational conversations about what you are both thinking, what your fears are, what you want to achieve from these conversations etc.

I can empathise with you having anxiety as I have had depression and anxiety for many years and know how easy it is to let your thoughts run away with themselves and take on a life of their own, it is very difficult to reign them in and work out which ones are based on fact and which ones are from reading more into a situation than there really is. You might well have good reason to question his actions or you may be reading more into his actions than you should be (because of your anxiety), I hope there is nothing for you to be worried about and that you and your husband can work together to sort through your feelings, doubts, fears etc. and put this behind you.

Ventiamore · 03/08/2018 02:03

What phone in 2018 needs you to delete messages to save space?!

My sister's phone recently ran out of space. It's only a few years old.
But OP, if you seriously think there is something going on, ask to see his phone. And use a program which retrieves deleted information.

choli · 03/08/2018 02:43

This reply has been deleted

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FrayedHem · 03/08/2018 02:50

We have hardly spoken on our way home from tea out. On the sofa he playfully punched me in the side I assume to try and make up but it really hurt me and I shouted at him not to punch me. Again he said I'm overreacting and has then sat in silence for an hour while I am distraught (not visibly) with my anxiety doing a million miles an hour

Is "playfully punching" something you've both done in your relationship?

tinytemper66 · 03/08/2018 04:01

I often place my phone screen down wherever I am and with lots of different people. It is so I don't get distracted if a message or email comes through when I am talking etc
I am not and have never had an affair.
It is just something I have always done.

tinytemper66 · 03/08/2018 04:01

I often place my phone screen down wherever I am and with lots of different people. It is so I don't get distracted if a message or email comes through when I am talking etc
I am not and have never had an affair.
It is just something I have always done.

tinytemper66 · 03/08/2018 04:02

I often place my phone screen down wherever I am and with lots of different people. It is so I don't get distracted if a message or email comes through when I am talking etc
I am not and have never had an affair.
It is just something I have always done.

tinytemper66 · 03/08/2018 04:02

I often place my phone screen down wherever I am and with lots of different people. It is so I don't get distracted if a message or email comes through when I am talking etc
I am not and have never had an affair.
It is just something I have always done.

tinytemper66 · 03/08/2018 04:03

Sorry I kept having a message saying there was a problem and to retry hence why it has posted 4 times!

longwayoff · 03/08/2018 06:50

If you're drinking with your medication you need to stop, one or the other.

FuckPants · 03/08/2018 07:14

But OP, if you seriously think there is something going on, ask to see his phone. And use a program which retrieves deleted information.

Don't fucking do this unless you want a divorce.

I have nothing to hide but if my husband asked to see my phone because I place it screen side down and he wanted to run a recovery program he'd be sleeping outside, you're encouraging the OP to go nuclear over something so pathetic.

barleyfive · 03/08/2018 07:18

"in silence for an hour while I am distraught (not visibly) with my anxiety doing a million miles an hour."

Do you speak to him about what makes you anxious and that you are finding things hard? Men don't always seem the best at picking things like this up, and as it seems you are making sure it isn't visible- are you sure? He would probably be more understanding if you explained, otherwise maybe he thinks you are irrationally having a go even though thats not the case.

Bizzylizzyloo · 03/08/2018 07:28

Hi OP. I also have anxiety and depression so I'm completely understanding of how difficult it make it to just navigate ordinary life. When you're in the depths of it it's almost impossible to separate out the feelings caused by anxiety from those you would normally experience. I know I take my feelings out on my DH all the time and then I feel terrible about it.

So, his behaviour - the phone thing doesn't sound suspicious to me. I always put my phone face down - partly because it feels more natural / comfortable than sliding it out of my hand face up. I also sometimes don't want him seeing my text messages - not because there is anything I remotely have to hide about myself, but because a friend or family member might be texting me about something private.

The punching thing doesn't sound great as it hurt you - YANBU to be annoyed about that. But you think it was a joke so it sounds like something misjudged rather than intentionally unkind?

I think accusing him of not giving a shit is very harsh, and most likely your anxiety and depression talking. Anxiety and depression likes to convince you that the worst case scenario is the most probable. That must have been very hard for your DH to hear and he is likely upset. If I were you I would apologise for that.

Supporting someone with anxiety and depression is hard - not only do you have to meet someone else's complex emotional needs, that person's ability to meet your own emotional needs is compromised. It can lead to tension and resentment. But it doesn't have to. It sounds like you and your DH should have a really open conversation about the kind of support you expect from each other, and how you will deal with situations like this when one or both of you is upset.

I hope things work out for you and your antidepressants start making a difference soon Flowers

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 03/08/2018 07:31

@choli Hmm I am so happy that you have never suffered from anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
cricketmum84 · 03/08/2018 07:36

We talked last night, I told him it was the anxiety talking, got a little bit upset explaining just how bad it is at the moment. He gave me a big cuddle and said he hadn't realised just how bad it had got over the last few weeks and didn't realise that ADs make is worse initially (he knows that cos I've been on them 4 times in the past 18 months!)
We apologised to each other and went to bed ok.

Re the playful punch - we do mess around a lot and prod each other whilst laughing and joking. Never any malice around it. I have costochondritis at the moment (inflammation in the cartiledge in my ribs) so what most people would class as playful for me was very painful. He "forgot" this too!

Thank you so much for all the gentle replies, flowers and get well wishes. You have all had me welling up!

OP posts:
RedSkyLastNight · 03/08/2018 07:43

OP - reread your own first post where you say he has no time to be unfaithful and, other than putting a phone face down, he hasn't changed any behaviour.

Believe that your worry is brought on by your anxiety and his defensiveness if because he's fed up of being attacked when he is doing nothing wrong.

think rationally - what does putting his phone face down really hide that he couldn't more effectively hide by turning on/off a phone setting?

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