To be suspicious and pissed off with DH?

[cricketmum84]

Sorry if this is long but I don't want to drip feed. Am currently on the sofa while he is in bed and this is driving me mad.

DH got a new phone about 6 months ago. Since he got the new phone he always puts it down face down and it's pissing me off! It's making me suspicious that he has something to hide.

We have been together for 10 years, married for 3. He has never given me reason to think he would be unfaithful and tbh I don't see where he would have time as he doesn't socialise and always comes straight home from work. He deletes all his texts after reading but this is something he always does as he says it saves space in his phone.

I mentioned that I found it weird that he always puts his phone face down. He got very defensive saying I had no trust in him and it was just a more comfortable way to handle his phone. He was really off with me where normally he would be quite empathetic. My anxiety is very bad at the moment and only been back on ADs for 3 days so am more sensitive than usual but it just seemed so out of character for him to get so defensive.

We have hardly spoken on our way home from tea out. On the sofa he playfully punched me in the side I assume to try and make up but it really hurt me and I shouted at him not to punch me. Again he said I'm overreacting and has then sat in silence for an hour while I am distraught (not visibly) with my anxiety doing a million miles an hour.

I asked him when he stopped giving a shit. He said it was when I started accusing him of things he hadn't done and stormed off to bed. I said he was a fucking coward for not facing it.

I know I'm conflicted and not thinking straight partly because of my stupid head and partly because of meds but I suppose I really need an unbiased opinion here. Do I go up to bed or sleep on the sofa. Do I speak to him? Who is in the wrong? Me? Him? Both of us?

I know you have a lot on your plate at the moment but is it possible that he might have things going on too? Stress at work or something like that? It might cause him to not be completely on the ball regarding your issues.

I'm glad you've talked it out and hope the meds kick in soon.

@cricketmum84 I think a lot of people actually totally do not understand anxiety at all. I think it's the most common but least understood and the one you hear most of people saying along the lines of 'just pull yourself together' - which they would never say if you said you were bipolar.

I think they struggle to understand that despite anxiety, people can outwardly appear (and be) really confident, push themselves in their career, support a decent house, care effectively for children etc - but what they don't get is that the anxiety is with that person constantly; it never goes away (apart from when you're asleep).

I can only explain it to someone that it doesn't stop me (I'm lucky in that respect I guess) from holding down a quite demanding job but if a person without anxiety has a base level of 2 and a really laid back person a base level of 1, I'm at a 7 even before anything else comes on top of that. My day to day every day is 'operate at a 7' and there's no choice about that, that's just how it is.

No one who knows me would know that I had it! But it's the toll it takes on you - it's exhausting.

Sorry, not helpful comments in response to your post but wanted to try and explain for others what it's like.

Hope you start feeling better soon and that you can sort things out.

Hi cricketmum - why have you stopped and started these anti-depressants? Is it to try and find the right one or is it the same one you keep stopping and starting? Have you heard of No Panic - it’s an organisation to help with anxiety.
I’m curious - did you check his phone 🤣

There is no reason texts have to be deleted immediately nowadays.

Next time he leaves his phone lying around go through his contacts and apps like what's app and his browser history.

OP as someone who goes through the and have this week exact same feelings when my anxiety is high I know how you feel. Just like yours my partner gives me no reason to doubt him.

Personally I talked it out with him and told him how I felt and how my mind worked when it came to this time of the month and even though I try and stop myself from saying these stupid things I just can not help it.

Our brains are wired wrong.

@Mary1935 no I didn't check it. He offered to let me and pointed out I know his passcode but I don't want to start checking his phone.

Re the ADs I had 3 different types that reacted badly with me, nasty side effects and then finally found some that were ok (mirtazapine) I was in them for 5 months and came off them as I was doing much better but turned out I was doing better because of the Mirt. Off them for 8 weeks and gone massively downhill so back to them again.

There is no reason texts have to be deleted immediately nowadays.
Just because there's no reason to doesn't mean there's a problem if someone does! I delete mine because once they're read they're no longer important. I'd only keep one if it was important for some reason. Ditto emails. It's like saying you should keep junk mail if you live in a mansion and have lots of space to store it - why would you? Read, digest, delete.

I get that not everyone fully understands the impact of anxiety, and even if they do they aren't mind readers (I was upset but not visibly so etc) , but the other thing people don't always understand is how difficult it is being with someone who has anxiety. Always trying to predict what might trigger them or wondering if they're quiet because you've unintentionally upset them , plans changing because they are not up to it anymore, suspicion, having to reword a text three times before you send it just in case it comes across wrong. It's exhausting and starts to make you feel on edge. My ex had anxiety and one of my best friends has anxiety, she pulled out of my wedding the day of, despite everything I'd done for hers and all accommodations I'd made for her to be comfortable, and the support I give her day in day out , even when she has been unreasonable with her family or other friends. I had to just say it was ok and I understood, but it did hurt.

I'm in no way minimising the impact FASH. I lived with someone with PTSD and was an addict so, it was hell at times! It's definitely not easy being the person living with the sufferer and you certainly do suffer too, no doubt. My anxiety manifests in a way that affects me negatively by a huge massive margin. The worst thing might be them asking me to go somewhere I've not drive before - cue massive amounts of route planning, parking planning, getting visuals on the building, then on the day instead we depart INCREDIBLY early and probably meaning we arrive way early as well.... !

Can I ask what came first? The depression or the anxiety? As I think so many people get treated for depression when actually the issue is anxiety, which often gets worse/ remains as bad as ever despite AD’s.

I have familial/ genetic anxiety- I say familial as the psychiatrist said that due to family history, I was genetically predisposed to anxiety. As I went via a psychiatrist, I was treated for anxiety first, not depression. Despite my anxiety really getting me down at times. The anti anxiety meds have been life changing for me! And for my DH! It is quite frightening looking back at how awful my anxiety was! Getting rid of my anxiety has cured my depression, as it was triggered by how awful my anxiety was.

My DM suffered awfully with depression, yet despite two large dose anti-depressants she continued to feel awful. But her biggest issue was definitely anxiety, after listening to me moaning at her several times, she spoke to her G.P and was weaned off her old meds and onto her new anti anxiety meds. I wish she had listened years ago as she is honestly a different person! Curing the anxiety finally treated her depressing, which was a secondary effect of her anxiety.

I am absolutely not a Doctor, but I do have experience of living with anxiety and depression! It might be worth having a chat with your g.p if you are similar.

@CaledonianQueen yes the anxiety came first, I get very panicky when I'm not at home (and even when I am at home sometimes) it's almost like a wave of complete panic washes over me with no warning, my heart races, I start sweating, struggling to breathe. It can be triggered by not feeling well, worrying about something small. I am worse out and about because I start to panic about panicking if that makes sense. Just the simple thought of "what if I start panicking" will set me off.
The depression was a secondary for me, I'm struggling to work, to even leave the house some days, I feel completely useless.
The ADs I'm on are to treat the panic disorder rather than to treat depression.

If he says he's deleting texts to save space, he's lying or badly misinformed. His phone has room for literally billions of text messages. Literally, a few billion.

Yeah deleting texts to save space sounds weird unless he has an ancient phone. If he doesn't give you other reasons not to trust him though then you should.

It's an iPhone X... masses of space!

To the PP who asked about fingerprint reader on the back - no it's face recognition

Sorry you're going through this OP.

I always have my phone put face down. After being at boarding school it's just a habit to preserve what little privacy I had. I still do this at work and at home and have a number of times watched colleagues staring intently at a new notification on my phone that pops up as they ask if i want a cup of tea... people are nosey...

You don't have any true evidence of foul play here, I would reach out to him. Ask for reassurance and some help. Build the trust again. It sounds like you've gone in all guns blazing so perhaps a softer approach will be of more value. Try and stay calm.

I hope you can sort this out soon.

I might delete things, lock things and hide notifications if I felt someone was paying undue attention to my personal things. I might even put phone away or face down unconsciously if I felt hunted.

It's horrible to be suspected and feel you might be snooped on when you have done nothing wrong - to in fact always feel as if you have done something wrong when you just haven't. It is some comfort if this abusive behaviour comes from someone who does not mean it or can't help it, who you love and want to support, but it still takes a toll.

@OP it is not your fault if you are unwell, but it has to be recognised that you might possibly be inflicting a dreadful situation on your partner. If you talk it through with him there is some chance it will make you both feel better and yield ideas on how you can both address it together, and support each other .

There is no reason texts have to be deleted immediately nowadays

I delete texts after they are no longer relevant. Because ... they are no longer relevant.
I do this to make it easier to find old texts that I do want to see, and because I have a tidy mind.

If someone asked why I did it, I would probably say "to save space" in a semi ironic way. I do realise space is unlikely to be an issue.

To me, it's more odd that people DON'T delete texts. Why do you need to know that 3 years ago your friend was running a bit late to see you?

@RedSkyLastNight ok so this is gonna sound very morbid but I keep texts just in case the person dies so I have something to remember them by. Same with birthday/Christmas cards!!

I totally get that's a very strange reasoning.

To me, it's more odd that people DON'T delete texts.
Exactly!

He deletes all his texts after reading but this is something he always does as he says it saves space in his phone.

My ex said this. Turns out he was texting other women.

I am on duloxetine (Cymbalta), have you been gradually upping your dose? I started on a quarter of dose, then moving onto a half, then 3/4 then normal dose, if you give it time hopefully it will help. I remember thinking at the start that it just would never work, thankfully I noticed a difference about four weeks in.

About a year after going on meds, I noticed an increase in my anxiety, my dh and carer suggested that I contact my g.p, who doubled the dose which has left me anxiety free since.

Hopefully once your brain is used to the extra chemicals, you will start to notice a difference. Don’t be afraid to ask for a call from your g.p/ book a new appointment if you feel the meds are just not working. I know that my meds can cause severe depression/ suicidal thoughts in younger people. Thankfully there are so many different meds to try.

If someone called me a ‘fucking coward’, I’d end it there and then. I don’t tolerate being sworn at, or name-calling.

I’m not sure what to suggest OP if you genuinely think he’s cheating. How do you think you can find out for sure?

Glad you sorted it out.
Even in relationships where both partners have anxiety there isn't perfect understanding. Someone with anxiety can still piss you off, even when you want to be kind and even when you can empathise!