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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD's friends mum

77 replies

upsideup · 02/08/2018 12:50

11 year old daughters friend has had her period for a few months but hasn't told her mum so hasn't been using proper sanitary products apart from when my dd has given them to her which means I have started buying extra for her to give to her friend.

I don't know the mum well but we have each others phone numbers because are daughters are friends and we've chatted before. She seems nice, DDs met her loads and says shes really is and her friend hasn't given dd any reason to why she hasn't told her apart from just not wanting to.

So WIBU to message her mum and tell her? Or say I've heard the girls talking/seen texts and think she might have started but I'm not sure so she can bring it up.

I know I would be upset if it was my daughter and annoyed if another parent knew and didn't tell me but my friend I asked thinks its definitely not my place to say anything if the friends doesn't want her mum to know.

OP posts:
GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 02/08/2018 12:55

Why hasn't she told her Mum?
I would tell her I think, just say she got it while in your house so you gave her some pads?

RestingBitchFaced · 02/08/2018 13:01

Yes I would tell her

gigi556 · 02/08/2018 13:02

I would definitely tell her.

rainbowstardrops · 02/08/2018 13:12

I would tell her too. Maybe she's embarrassed but if the mum knows then she could hopefully address it gently.

PurpleDaisies · 02/08/2018 13:13

Tell her mum. She’s probably just embarrassed.

PeppaP · 02/08/2018 13:14

Are you sure she has definitely started her period? I’d have thought her mum would’ve seen blood on sheets, used pads etc? For some reason I was desperate to start my period and at 11 told people I had Blush Is it possible she’s got caught in a lie?

DobbyisFREE · 02/08/2018 13:34

Yes tell her. I was the same at that age and tried to keep it secret because I was embarrassed so didn't use appropriate sanitary protection. I've no idea why and I'm lucky that a family member guessed somehow and gave me everything I needed without making any fuss at all. I very quickly realised that I'd been an idiot!

starsandstuff · 02/08/2018 13:53

If she has chosen not to tell her mum - for whatever reason - I don't think it's fair on her for you to do it for her. It might be embarrassment or it might be something else, but if it's embarrassment then it feels like she'd be mortified for two adults to be having this conversation about her body without her even present. If it was me, I'd encourage your DD to talk to her and ask why she hasn't said, and maybe suggest that friend could talk to you if she'd like to. She could also suggest her friend goes on the childline website and chats chats about it there - I used to volunteer for them and it's a great resource for kids. I'd really not advise taking her agency away from her. Let her tell her mum in her own time.

DobbyisFREE · 02/08/2018 14:22

she'd be mortified for two adults to be having this conversation about her body without her even present

I think you're right and she definitely would be mortified but it's better than the alternative. I remember getting up really early and washing my clothes / bed sheets in secret then putting them back on my bed wet. I'd use all sorts of things - the worst being a loofa mitt (I'm not proud of that and I've never admitted it to anyone).

It probably is worth having a chat with her first though as stars is right, you might be able to talk her into telling her herself or at least find out if there's a more worrying reason she doesn't want to talk to her mum.

Winterbella · 02/08/2018 14:25

try and get your dd to get her friend to tell her mum first but don't let it go on to long and only tell her yourself if you really have to, that's what I would do.

NerrSnerr · 02/08/2018 14:25

I was similar to dobby. I once cut up a bath sponge to use and hid all my knickers under the mattress. My mum found out in the end (I assume I ran out of knickers) but she was rubbish, bought me one pack of pads and that was it forever.

Original poster
upsideup · 02/08/2018 15:33

Should I maybe ask the friend first (or get dd to ask) if she wants me to tell her mum so she has the opportunity to say she'll do it herself?
I'm also worried that she will be annoyed at dd for telling me when she wasnt supposed to.

OP posts:
gigi556 · 02/08/2018 22:24

I think your idea of saying you think you heard or saw a text about it. Gives you the opportunity to tell her you think but aren't 100% sure.

Singlenotsingle · 02/08/2018 22:28

If the mum doesn't know, how is the friend going to get her sanitary products? You can't carry on buying them for her forever.

haribosmarties · 02/08/2018 22:29

Find out why she isnt telling her mum from your daughter to check there isnt some sort of weird situation going on.... I mean its highly unlikely there is but you dont want to put the girl in danger or anything... so make sure it is just out of embarrassment before you say anything

Id also try and get the girl to tell her mum herself first... but if you cant and you are sure its just embarrassment then I would contact the mother

RestingBitchFaced · 03/08/2018 08:45

Just tell her mum! She doesn't need to know it's come from you, she could just 'guess'

Anonymumm · 03/08/2018 09:00

It's a tricky situation but I would tell her Mum.

When I was younger, I told my friends Mum that she had started her period, she had no idea and couldn't understand why my friend hadn't told her, especially as she had older sisters (and I did so because I was on a sleepover and discovered she had been hiding used sanitary pads in a toiletry bag when I went into the bathroom to borrow her toothpaste and I opened the 'wrong' bag - 🤢 she had been hiding it for a few months and I think it would have been a long time before she actually mentioned it to her Mum, and when I asked her why she hadn't she shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't know how to)

I remember feeling all weirded out telling my parents, perhaps she is just embarrassed.

Another point to note is, we hear a lot about 'period poverty' these days, where families can ill afford sanitary products for their kids, and kids missing school when they're on their period (this most definitely wasn't the case with my friend, and OP will have more insight as to whether this needs to be taken into consideration, but worth a mention, just in case)

And I would actually just tell he truth, not try and dress it up saying about text messages, etc. Because if she then chats with her daughter about it, doubtless, the daughter will say what's been happening - honestys the best policy - perhaps just say, she confided in your daughter, your daughters been waiting for her to tell her, but you're not sure that she has yet - if her Mum has any savvy she won't mention you or your daughter at all, she'll just bring it up in the passing.

NewYearNewMe18 · 03/08/2018 09:03

You have no idea why she hasn't told her mother. You have absolutely NO RIGHT to pass on another persons confidences.

spidey66 · 03/08/2018 09:04

Tell the mum, though maybe speak to the friend first. I was similar when I started, used to use loo paper and/or hide the evidence, even though my mum was kind and supportive when she found out.

spidey66 · 03/08/2018 09:06

I think she's just embarrassed....she may appreciate another adult becoming involved.

CherryPavlova · 03/08/2018 09:07

I think she might be telling porkies. I suspect they’ve been adding spin at school, she exaggerated and doesn’t know how to get out of it. Maybe tell her mum you’ve put in supplies for your daughter, and ask whether she has for hers?

spidey66 · 03/08/2018 09:10

NewYearNewMe18....would you have the same view if you became aware the friend was being bullied/abused/groomed? Or they were ill or got a couple of years older and was in a sexual relationship and was in danger of becoming pregnant or catching an STI? We're talking about a child here, sometimes we have to act in their best interests, which is the situation here.

Ohyesiam · 03/08/2018 09:12

No, don’t tell her mum. It’s no one’s place to do that except the girl herself.

TokyoSushi · 03/08/2018 09:17

Can you talk directly to the girl and ask her if she wants you to tell her mum?

It seems a bit odd but perhaps a) she's embarrassed or b) she hasn't actually started and it's now gone a bit too far?!

MatildaTheCat · 03/08/2018 09:20

Do it. When I started I just couldn’t bring myself to tell Mum and was crying and miserable. Eventually after the second month she guessed and was lovely. I still don’t know why I couldn’t tell her. I’ve since worked in a field where periods were discussed all the time!

I’d have a quiet word and say you’ve been made aware that she might have started but finding it difficult to confide in her Mum and you know she’d want to know. No need for the girls to know you’ve said a word.

Sometimes as parents we have to gently intervene.

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