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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DD's friends mum

77 replies

upsideup · 02/08/2018 12:50

11 year old daughters friend has had her period for a few months but hasn't told her mum so hasn't been using proper sanitary products apart from when my dd has given them to her which means I have started buying extra for her to give to her friend.

I don't know the mum well but we have each others phone numbers because are daughters are friends and we've chatted before. She seems nice, DDs met her loads and says shes really is and her friend hasn't given dd any reason to why she hasn't told her apart from just not wanting to.

So WIBU to message her mum and tell her? Or say I've heard the girls talking/seen texts and think she might have started but I'm not sure so she can bring it up.

I know I would be upset if it was my daughter and annoyed if another parent knew and didn't tell me but my friend I asked thinks its definitely not my place to say anything if the friends doesn't want her mum to know.

OP posts:

maddening · 03/08/2018 11:12

I would tell the mum but ask that she approaches it in a way that hides the fact that your dd has told you so it does not impact their friendship.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2018 11:16

Definitely tell her! Maybe along the lines of "Oh DD was over here playing the other day when her period started and she'd nothing with her, so I had to let her have something - does she have stuff at home, maybe she should start carrying it with her?"

Something like that.

OctaviaOctober · 03/08/2018 11:23

It's not some terrible secret that must be kept from her mother. Tell her. You can't keep buying san-pro for someone else's child indefinitely.

callmeadoctor · 03/08/2018 11:25

Alternatively you could ask her if it was ok if your dd was on her period could she ask her to borrow one if she was at her house (open up the conversation without telling her anything about her dd?)

timeisnotaline · 03/08/2018 11:28

She’s a child! Of course tell her Mum, it’s just a case of working put how. (And of course you don’t tell her Mum if you suspect abuse or grooming as pps raise but this is generic advice and I don’t really see why it jumps to mind here)

Branleuse · 03/08/2018 11:30

I remember being really embarrassed to tell my nana when i was staying with her when i first started. I was so relieved when she asked me "are you needing sanitary towels" kindly. I think I was worried she wouldnt treat me like a little girl anymore and I still was one. I think her mum needs to know. Doesnt have to be a big deal

AndBabyMakes3 · 03/08/2018 11:31

I wouldn't rush to tell the mother without DC consent; you have no idea why she may be keeping it from her. My not so 'D'M announced to the neighbours when I confided in her that I was developing pubic hair, like hell did I tell her as soon as my periods started. I was a late developer and we had received sanitary items at school that I had stored, I used those up before telling my mother that I needed more and only that I got caught short at my grandmothers house I may not have told her even then. I would get your DD to talk to her friend and maybe then approach her asking if she would like for you to tell her mum. If she refuses keep an eye on things and when the girls return to school perhaps raise it as a concern then. Put please do not betray her/your DDs confidence!

Confusedbeetle · 03/08/2018 11:32

Your daughter should first try and get her to tell her mum. If not, they have involved you now so I would sit her down and explain the importance of talking to her Mum. If she struggles maybe you could help her, but this mum is going to be very upset if the daughter doesn't tell her herself and the messenger might get shot

strawberrypenguin · 03/08/2018 11:34

I think Mum needs to know so she can provide sanpro and have hygiene conversations. It shouldn't fall to you to keep buying it.

OctaviaOctober · 03/08/2018 11:39

I've changed my mind. Can you get your dd to invite her round for tea and then have a chat to her? Once she has spoken to you she might see that it's not really so mortifying and she can talk to her Mum. Or even ask if she'd like you to tell her Mum for her (which will probably be a hard no, but you never know!)

Original poster

upsideup · 03/08/2018 11:40

Okay, I won't tell her mum without some indication from dd or her friend that thats what she wants me to do which I will push for.
Shes maybe sleeping over on saturday so if dd hasnt got her to say anything I'll try and bring it up.

DD told me that she accidently found out about it, I didnt ask how but I guess that means she knows she definately has started and isnt lying. Shes quite shy and I can't imagine her lying about it anyway.

OP posts:

CardsforKittens · 03/08/2018 11:51

When my mum started her periods (at 11) no one had told her and she thought she was dying. My mum told me about periods when I was 10 and I started a couple of years later and had to tell her because she didn't use pads and I needed to at first. But I found it really hard.

My daughters have known about periods since they were toddlers and when theirs started they just helped themselves to the san pro in the bathroom and didn't announce it to me. I wasn't upset about not being told, I just replaced the pads more regularly.

So yeah, I get the not telling but unfortunately that doesn't work well without regular access to san pro. In the OP's case I'd talk to the daughter's friend and encourage her to ask her mum to buy pads.

FrayedHem · 03/08/2018 11:54

You could maybe offer your DD an "in" from you knowing as the friend hasn't actually told your DD out of choice from the sound of it. Something like saying you'd noticed she (your DD) was going through a lot more sanitary products and you said you'd need to take DD to the GP if it persisted.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/08/2018 11:58

I never told my mother that my periods had started, and I was almost 16. She died not knowing, although given that I’d had two dds by then I assume she’d guessed..

I don’t really know why I didn’t tell her, she would have been nice about it. Perhaps because she didn’t open the conversation? Anyway at 11 I would absolutely tell her Mum that you saw a text, or something similar. She is a little girl, she should be be dealing with this by herself. Do you think she might have made it up and that’s my she hasn’t spoken to her Mum ? Perhaps if your dd has started her friend just wanted the closeness of being the same ?

SirVixofVixHall · 03/08/2018 12:00

Oh have just read the post that it is true and not a fantasy.
I would tell her Mum. She is 11, having secrets from a parent isn’t great. Her Mum is responsible for her healthcare , and so really does need to know.

FrayedHem · 03/08/2018 12:01

My mum never told me about periods. I did know so wasn't shocked when I started, had enough money to buy my own products. When she found out she was angry I hadn't told her because of what people might think about her, then why I hadn't told her. She would refer to sanitary products as "doodahs".

When I got older she would talk to my friend about the best position for a smear test (this was before they introduced the min age for them), but lost it at me when she found out I wasn't a virgin a couple of years later! Fast forward to when I was in my mid-twenties and she went into great detail about my dad's erectile dysfunction. You can never really tell what's going on behind closed doors.

YouTheCat · 03/08/2018 12:06

I think Thumbwitch's approach is spot on. It doesn't make it sound like secrets are being kept and doesn't point any fingers.

I'd have felt really guilty if my dd hadn't been able to come to me about these things.

Mabelface · 03/08/2018 12:14

I'd just ask her if she'd like me to tell her mum for her.

LuluJakey1 · 03/08/2018 12:14

Why don't you just tell DD's friend you think you should let her mum know.See how she reacts. She might be relieved.

FrayedHem · 03/08/2018 12:23

I really wouldn't use a lie about the friend getting caught out. If she's embarrassed it's really unkind to create a story that will likely embarrass her more. Plus her mum will then think the DD has her period when she doesn't, but will think her DD is lying if she says she's not.

callmeadoctor · 03/08/2018 13:19

If the friend is staying over this weekend, presumably you will be talking to her at some time. Why not invite mum in for a coffee when she drops off and fetch the topic up (without sobbing anybody in?) I have this conversation with my daughters mums all the time when we are chatting (usually explains teenagers moody behaviour!!!)

callmeadoctor · 03/08/2018 13:19

Sobbing!!!!!!! Dobbing!!!!! (bloody autocorrect!)

callmeadoctor · 03/08/2018 13:20

Daughters friends mums!!!!!!!! (doh)

Marriedwithchildren5 · 03/08/2018 13:48

When they started, we had celebratory “you’re a woman now” meals. All fine and lovely.

I'm sorry but I don't think I'd have told my mum if this was what happened!!

LongSummerDays · 03/08/2018 13:58

When they started, we had celebratory “you’re a woman now” meals. All fine and lovely.

I'm sorry but I don't think I'd have told my mum if this was what happened!!

This! I can't imagine a more bizarre thing to do! How totally embarrassing.

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