To tell DD's friends mum

[upsideup]

11 year old daughters friend has had her period for a few months but hasn't told her mum so hasn't been using proper sanitary products apart from when my dd has given them to her which means I have started buying extra for her to give to her friend.

I don't know the mum well but we have each others phone numbers because are daughters are friends and we've chatted before. She seems nice, DDs met her loads and says shes really is and her friend hasn't given dd any reason to why she hasn't told her apart from just not wanting to.

So WIBU to message her mum and tell her? Or say I've heard the girls talking/seen texts and think she might have started but I'm not sure so she can bring it up.

I know I would be upset if it was my daughter and annoyed if another parent knew and didn't tell me but my friend I asked thinks its definitely not my place to say anything if the friends doesn't want her mum to know.

Tell her. Kids get so weird about these things and who knows why.

I would tell the mum you overheard a conversation that lead you to believe she may have done, and suggest she initiated a conversation along the lines of ‘you are getting older and may start soon, is there anything you want to know, let me know when it happens so we can go shopping and I can show you what to do’ etc. Hopefully this will start a dialogue without her actively having to say she knows.

I think I'd try and encourage the girl to tell her mum herself. This isn't really one of those situations where you should be obliged to say something such as knowing about abuse where the consequences don't matter. You could make things very awkward for your DD. I think I'd butt out iiwm.

I was that girl once. My parents made me feel embarrassed about the idea that I would get a period, so when I did I kept it secret. I spent all my pocket money on Sanpro and used to make my own (don't ask!) and washed my knickers in the sink. It was a horrendous time of my life. Even when my mum guessed she didn't provide me with sanpro so, as I suspected, there was really no point her knowing.

Please don't tell her mum. I would be absolutely mortified at someone discussing my period with my mother. Poor girl.

I'd suggest to her face to tell her mum. Or ask if it would be easier if you tell her. Then if she said she still wouldn't. I'd tell her I am going to say to your mum to get sanitary products in the house for whenever you do start your periods, because this is normal to have in the households with 11 year old girls in. If you run out, you can still borrow some from DD. You can say it in a nice way "I wish I had been more prepared, I bet your mum would like to get these for you etc" I'd say I won't tell her, I'll just ask her to get some sanitary products.

Then I'd do what I said and I would tell her mum to stock some sanitary products in the house, say "it can be a bit of a delicate subject at that age, friend didn't want to discuss it with anyone but would suggest have some supplies available incase needed"

I think your idea of speaking to her or your DD speaking to her and asking her if she would like you to tell her mum if a better idea. I would do that.
I think it's such a shame that these days young girls are still embarrassed of having a period. It's so sad.

Can you talk directly to the girl and ask her if she wants you to tell her mum?

Yes I would do this and encourage her to tell her mum.

Indirect: if your good friends with that mum why not start the subject up by staying how young some of your daughters friends have started their period & you decided to have a long conversation with your daughter & show her what she might need to use so she wouldn't get caught short (lie!) particularly as it had happened to you & you had felt scared about talking to your mum etc etc (white lie time - this way your being sensitive to the yourdd fiend & your not actually breaking confidence)

I'd talk to the girl yourself, try to get a feel as to why she doesn't want her mum to know. Perhaps throw in a story about how you felt when you started yours. I understand people saying don't tell her mum as it's her body but you can't provide her San pro forever and it must be awful for her trying to hide it in her own home.

I had parents that were very open about periods. I don't particularly remember a "talk" I just knew from young that that's what happened to a girl as she grew up, there was always sanpro easily accessible and when I started my period it was no big deal to tell my mum. But I understand not every family is like that so perhaps there is a good reason why she feels she can't tell her mum.

Don’t tell the mum. Not your place. Your DD will then think you can’t be trusted. Try and talk to the friend and persuade her to tell her.

Given I know of a family where school and other agencies are involved because the parents won't take responsibility for their children's personal hygiene and have let them suffer days with what they called 'chub rub', which turned out to be thrush and urine tract infection, I would tread carefully before just telling the other mum.

Encourage the girl to talk to you and advise her she really needs to tell her mum. From that you will be able to gauge whether it is normal teen embarrassment or whether there are other issues at play, eg money, lack of care etc.

Please don't tell the mother! Even if there's no obvious potential cultural issues there might be underlying factors of religion for example that could cause this girl real problems in the coming years.

Perhaps try talking to her to find out why she doesn't want to tell her mom. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, perhaps speak with her school's pastoral care team, they will hopefully be more sensitive to potential issues like this.

I say this having recently been doing some work with a charity in Bradford about a very real issue amongst ethnic communities and young girls on their menses. From skipping school and essentially being ostracized (not through poverty but through shame) through to the extremes of being married off because they are now "women" periods present a huge issue for girls around the world and very scarily girls in our own towns and cities. I can't stress enough that whilst hopefully this isn't anything like that, the consequences if it is could be serious.

There is too much spoken by some people of 'NO RIGHT' to tell someone something important about their 11 year old. She is a child, an 11 year old child and sometimes adults have to get involved in issues regarding a child.

Sometimes parents need to be allowed to parent more and shout about how many rights to remain without guidance and support an 11 year old should have a lot less.

Buying sanitary wear for another child indefinitely is bizarre. She need to tell her mum.
I was thinking the same as a pp-maybe she hasn’t really started but is pretending she’s has to her friend. Is she in year 6?

My 2 older DDs started at 13. We had been prepared since they went to high school at 11 - bought them their own stuff to keep in their rooms and in their school bags just in case. Also pointed out where my stuff was kept in case they ran out, or in case one of their friends came on while in our house. When they started, we had celebratory “you’re a woman now” meals. All fine and lovely.

The youngest (who, to be fair, is a lot younger) got the same spiel, sanpro of her own, but no news came on periods starting. When she was 15 I was beginning to wonder what was going on (I know some girls start late: I didn’t start till 15), so I asked her.

She said she had started a year previously, hadn’t told me, and had been buying her stuff from her allowance. I was gobsmacked. I asked her why she hadn’t told me. She said it was none of my business!

There is too much spoken by some people of 'NO RIGHT' to tell someone something important about their 11 year old. She is a child, an 11 year old child and sometimes adults have to get involved in issues regarding a child.

Sometimes parents need to be allowed to parent more and shout about how many rights to remain without guidance and support an 11 year old should have a lot less.

This.
I think I would have appreciated another adult telling my mum when I started. No issues except embarrassment in my case.

I'd want to be very confident it was just the DD feeling embarrassed before trying to force the situation.

My mum was so lovely to my friends (and their parents) but we had always had a poor relationship. I didn't tell her and she found out a good year or so after. She was hugely upset with me. Had the info come from a third party she would have lost her shit completely. I used my pocket money to buy my own products - does the DD not get any pocket money?

@AnnieOH1 that is a very good point, I read an article about someone who couldn't go to their Grandmothers funeral due to these reasons.

Your point aside, I don't understand everyone else saying the mother has no right to know, she is responsible for her, and maybe the daughter is missing out on valuable moral support from her.

How would you feel if this was your daughter? Would you still feel so strongly if you were the Mum who was unaware?

My friends Mum was flabbergasted that her daughter hadn't told her but was extremely grateful that I had.

I would keep out of it.

Looking at this from a different perspective as it's something I deal with a lot in my job. Kids disclose things to me regularly that they are embarrassed/upset about and don't want parents to know. Obviously not going to give details but some are a lot more serious than starting periods. Parents have to be told but you can't break the kid's trust either. I always mediate the child telling the parent with me present as moral support. You need to speak to dd's friend first - maybe ask dd to let friend know this will happen - then could you invite the mum over for a cuppa or drop the friend home to have a chat the 3 of you together? If you're uncomfortable with this - it can be daunting - refer to the school in September as they are trained and will be able to help.

Is this a different culture?

Are you sure there isn't a good reason why she is concealing it from her mother? Is the family very religious or from a very regressive culture perhaps? I know that your dd says the mother is nice but are you sure? Some people are very good at hiding child abuse. In your place I would have a talk with the girl. It may just be childish embarrassment but it may not.

As mother of a 11 year old I think you should tell her she’s still a child and needs help from caring adults, not to be left because it’s her secret, if she was in secret sexual relationship would that also be her decision to make...

I assume they are 11 just about to start secondary school.

It might be worth giving the school a heads up when they return if the situation has not resolved by then. Our (primary) school is wonderful and would deal with the matter sensitively but removing the need for another parent to be seen as interfering. Secondary schools should have a head of pastoral care you can contact.

Has she definitely not told her mum? Maybe she has and her mum has provided her with a few super tampons, on the basis that that's what mum uses for her period. And she doesn't understand how to use the tampons, and even when she does, it turns out that her periods are heavier than her mums so "a few tampons" doesn't cut it.

Yes, I am projecting my own experience. Telling my mum would really not have helped in this situation.

Don't tell her mum, you don't know what the reason is. I would speak to your DD and get her to do some gentle investigating. It is so kind of you to buy her period stuff for her, but probably not something you should have to do for the long term.
Could she be from a family that has strong cultural or religious beliefs? For a lot of girls, there is much less freedom due to their family's worry that they could become pregnant.