Second child dilemma

[Samwise123]

I am driving myself slightly crazy over whether to have a second child (may daughter is two and a half). I know only I can make the final decision but I really wanted to find out what people’s experiences of having an only child vs two children is like, from the child’s perspective - as going our first a sibling would be the main reason. She doesn’t have cousins (or close ones) and our friends don’t have children her age. I would love to have another for my own reasons - just because I adore being a mum to my first so much - but for many other reasons I don’t want to (financial and work complications mainly and what it might do to the time and money we would have for our first, not to mention stress levels due to the above).

So my question is - parents of only children, what is it like and how old is your child? Do you basically parent other people’s kids in holidays and on weekends so they have someone to play with? Do you have to spend a lot more time doing things that siblings might otherwise do, so they are not left playing alone? Does it become easier when they go to school as they have playmates in the day? And parents with two - do they play much together? Are they adding beautiful things to each other’s lives, or do they spend more time on whir own/with friends?

This is prob quite desperate as everybody will have different experiences but I’m driving myself crazy and hoping for inspiration! Thanks so much!!

Hi
I have just had my third baby, I have dd1 who is 10, dd2 is 8 and DD3 is 11 weeks
Dd2 was born and 9 days later dd1 turned 2, so a small ish age gap. DD3 took 7 years of trying for!
Dd1&2 are best friends but worst enemies also. They play together, laugh, sing, make up dances and plays, and on the flip side can't stand to be with each other! They can have a good morning and terrible afternoon and vice versa. They both adore DD3 and that's united them even more I think. They occupy each other and dd1 reads to DD3 every night after I've read with them both, dd2 does dd1's hair as ages brilliant at plaits! I'm not 😁
I think siblings all love/hate each other and occupy/want to kill each other at regular intervals 😂
Tbh I'm glad I had 2...then 3...because they really are lovely to watch together and under all the bravado they adore the socks if each other x

We have two. I loved parenting one. It was rarely a chore. Grandparents would offer to have them all the time, we could devote all our attention to him.

We had a second for loads of reasons and in no way regret it, but it is much much harder. They play as much as they fight, they cost a fortune and I have a lot less patience when it is split in two. There is always one of them causing trouble/being a pain in the ass. Grandparents have them less because 2 is much harder than one.

I love them both entirely but I think if someone was to ask my advice, I would say stop at one.

Samwise, I am in the same boat. My DD is going to be 3 in October and life has become 'easier' so my husband is a bit reluctant to shake things up by introducing another baby which might make life more stressful or take the attention away from DD.... but there's just something in me that says I feel like 2 is right! He has said that he knows he will love a baby when it comes even if he isn't excited about it now. It's a tough decision because it's on my shoulders and I do worry about not being able to spend as much time with her or give her as much financially etc but I think I'm going to go with the gut feeling and consider trying in the new year perhaps....

Hidinginthenightgarden, what's the age gap between your two just out of interest? Do you think a different age gap would change anything in terms of thinking it would have been better stopping at one? X

I have 3 dc, they get on reasonably well, sometimes best friends, sometimes fighting! But they are there for each other and as they get older they will always have someone there for them. My brother and I were not close as children at all but now he is my best friend and my support network. This is what I hope my children will have with their siblings.

Mine dd I'd 8m and I'm thinking about having another ASAP ! Husband nearly fifty I'm in mid thirties ..... also I think it might be best to lump all the really difficult/ baby times together. I can see that if it gets easier (say when DD is 3) I might not be able to face the baby phase again....

I realise this sounds a bit silly.

My dd is 8m*

I have 2 boys - just over 3 years between them and they are now 7.5 & 4.5. Yes they play together, but they also fight like cat and dog too.

I'm the eldest of 4 and knew I didn't want more than 2 but didn't really think of stopping at 1. Though I'm very fond of the saying "if you'd had your second child first, you wouldn't have had a second".
My second DC is much more of a handful than the first - which I see is very common across my friends. Second children seem to be much more confident and independent. Rules are to be broken etc etc

I think it's really a lottery - a single child may grow up with a tight group of friends who become their de facto siblings. You may have 2 who never speak to each other once they reach adulthood.

Life is definitely harder with two - more to coordinate and pay for as they get older - but equally more of everything too.

I have just the 1, it was a difficult decision to make, we stuck to 1 partly for financial reasons and my husband has a long standing chronic illness, my ds is 6, it is lovely been a little trio, we do quite often have playmates etc, for example we have season ticket to a local attraction we did for 2 adults 2 kids so a mate can come along too. I have found he has a great imagination and plays happily on his own, a few times he has said he wants a brother not a sister, he then went to a friend's house who have a toddler and said i don't want one of them!
People have told me it's cruel to only have one, what will they do when we have died or are ill, need looking after etc... I just say I didn't have him to look after me when I am old, even if they have a sibling it does not mean they will be close etc when they are older.

Mine play together brilliantly (apart from the times they don't! but luckily the majority of the time is good). Also having DD2 has helped DD1 a lot with skills like sharing, waiting, compromising etc.

However they are only 2y 4m apart. I have a sister 5y younger and don't recall ever really playing together, we were always at such different stages. I do think the age gap matters a lot in terms of likelihood of them entertaining each other. If a

My boys are now 11 and 9. Best thing I ever did was have a second. They get on brilliantly, occasional bickering is outweighed by usual fun and laughter. They always have a playmate on hand. Was tough having a baby and a toddler but so worth it down the line. Also, when me and their dad are old and fading, they will have a brother to help with decisions etc.

I have 2ds. One is 10 and the other is 2. There is just over 8 years between them.
We are constantly debating another. I am still dealing with an injury I got when pregnant. It would make pregnancy very painful for the foreseeable.
My dh is also returning to education in September for the next 2-3 years. Career wise I'm just getting started. I will be the main breadwinner until he is finished. Smb would be all I would receive so money wise it would be tight.
So at the moment no 3 is on hold. I'm only 30 so plenty of time.

Hello. I have 1 brother who is 2.5 years younger than me.
I am 31 and he is 29. We do not get on. At all. Never have done. We see each other at Christmas and birthdays, we don't talk in between.

Having said that DH and I made the decision to have a second child so our DS (4) would have a sibling (now 6 months pregnant).

I was gutted for a short while when we found out we were having a girl as my brother and I never got on well but I'm hoping that different parents and upbringings will reap different results in their friendship.

Got to weight up the pros and cons for your family.

Don't throw any baby stuff away though just in case, we did Just after DS turned 3 and then found out we were pregnant a few months later! 🙈

I had a second baby because My husband and I wanted him. My DS would probably rather not have had him if given the choice at the time! as he had a great life! Centre of the world!!!

However, all has turned out well! My 2 gorgeous DS's are 6 and 4 and best friends (much of the time!) My eldest was v much the centre of attention prior to DS2 and I think having a brother was tough at first, but I think he will (and already is) benefitting enormously from learning the art of compromise, sharing, looking out for others, realising you can't always win/be the best/the world doesn't revolve around you and you need to consider others etc.... plus, he has a buddy to play football with, chat too, laugh with, share school with, etc.... DS2 has a big brother he loves and wants to aspire to!

There are times I still feel bad for DS1, that he can't have us all to himself, but then I see how much the two boys love each other and how they benefit from having each other, and realise it's definitely best for our family that we have 2 DS (and I love both DS sooooo much I cannot ever imagine not having both of them in my life :)! )

Good luck with your decision

Thanks so much for all your replies! I wish all those making a similar decision luck!

It’s so tricky as we made some life changes to make life with number one as lovely as possible (including pooling resources and buying a large property with annexe with parents so they can help with childcare, and we can help them when they’re older. Bigger house, smaller mortgage, seems a win win). First is so easy - obviously helped by our circumstances - but I can take her anywhere, so sleeps well (now!) so after she’s in bed we leave monitor with parents and go out etc. Life is pretty much perfect apart from work stress at the moment and threat of redundancy. I’ve been lucky to have a well paid part time job up until now but My industry has changed a lot and don’t see longevity in it and want to work more locally, not in London. So I will need to take a pay cut. If we weren’t having two I would do that for a couple of years and then do I A career change and do teaching when she gets to school age. whilst that’s only two years away now, with another I’ll be looking at delaying that for another six years (as only want to work part time until they’re at school). Having another will mean ticking along in lower paid jobs and scraping through until I can do something else. And do worry about what another will do to our trio because the first is just so lovely!

However, it’s her loveliness that makes me want another and also that makes me want to give her a sibling if that’s what will make her happy. Whenisitover you’re right it’s a lottery and constantlystartingadiet, nice to hear a positive experience of just having the one. My only experience of knowing an only child when I was a kid is that she would cry when I left her house in the summer as she didn’t have a sibling to play with and think it’s scarred me!

Fell pregnant with number one before I’d actually got to a point of making a decision. I’m notoriously bad at making decisions so this is torture!

samwise your situation is exactly the same as mine, even down to the career dilemma! The only bit I don't feel the same on is eventually becoming a teacher

At the moment I'm leaning slightly more towards TTC another but I change my mind every week!

I wanted 2, second pregnancy i had twins! 3 girls under 3, that was fun. They're all grown up now and very close but they had their moments growing up.

There are times I still feel bad for DS1, that he can't have us all to himself

My youngest DC is referred to as the over-parented child when the two older DC are away at uni! He is highly delighted now they're back home for the summer.

I think you'd regret not having a second more than you'd regret having a second (and having a difficult couple of years)

I’ve been feeling the same lately. My daughter is 3 and family, friends and colleagues have been asking me when am I going to have another baby. And when I get tired out from her constantly wanting to play etc. I get guilted by being told she should have a sibling to play with then she’ll never be bored! She has cousins but they live abroad so only see each other once a year. I have a friend with a child the same age but as we both work, we don’t meet that often. She plays with other children at nursery 1 day a week and is soon moving to pre school for 3 days a week which will be good for her.
I always thought I’d like 2 children. I’m one of 2, so is my husband. I’m not ever ruling out the idea of a second baby, although my husband has said no to the idea unless we win the lottery and don’t have to work! I certainly can’t even think about the idea of another baby now, I feel tired enough with a toddler to look after, a full time job and a house to keep up. And I know people with 2+ kids and pets etc. will think I have it easy- but I don’t feel I do and at the moment don’t want any more stress to deal with. As much as babies are a miracle and lovely, they are stressful no one can deny it!
We are just coming out of that haze of nappies, fussy eating, naps, pushchairs etc and I don’t want to get into it all again now. As much as I loved being pregnant and raising a baby I don’t think I’d like to do it all again anytime soon - but people tell me I should have had two in quick succession so you can ‘get it out the way.’ I think I’d rather have spent my time watching my daughter grow and focusing my time on her, rather than having 2 babies who’s needs I probably couldn’t both keep up with at the same as holding down a job just so I can use the hand me downs from one to the next. And have them at a similar age so they could be best friends. Who knows they could end up hating each other!
Not to mention the expense of childcare. I’ve relied heavily on my parents and me being able to work from home to keep childcare costs down and I don’t think it would fair on them/me to do it again when we are not in a position to pay for full time childcare. I think I’d rather be able to not work whilst raising a baby/toddler. But if we did that, we’d have to give up a lot of things we enjoy doing as a family now- eating out, day trips, holidays abroad. Which makes me feel guilty, because when I try and explain it to people they make me feel like I’m selfish by wanting to keep a nicer lifestyle rather than living on a budget to make place for another child. Maybe it is selfish, but - the second child does not even exist yet. So why change your life if you are content as you are?

I don’t think having a second baby just to give a sibling the the first is a strong enough reason to have another baby in my opinion.
And don’t think anyone should feel they ‘have’ to have another baby as that’s the done thing or that’s what their parents did or their friends are doing etc.
If you are not sure you want another one, then don’t have one.
I’m going to try and not let people make me feel guilty about it going forward.
I personally would not push the subject on people. Fair enough ask if they plan for another one and if they say no/not now -leave it! It’s no one’s business really but your own.

I have 2, DD aged 4 and a DS aged 10 months. It was difficult to begin with when my DS was little but now he can crawl and is nearly walking it is wonderful, they adore each other and his face lights up every time he sees her. They sit and play together, they have their little fights, mainly when he tries to play with her toys, but when I see them together I know I did the right thing having another.
I was brought up an only child and hated it. My brother is 13 years older than me and has Cerbral Palsy, he was at a special school so never around and when he was I couldn't play with him, my parents ran their own business so were either busy with that or my brother and I was very lonely, so always wanted 2. This is just my experience, there will probably be others that loved been an only child and love having only the one, you do what is best for you.
The thing that always worried me with essentially been an only child is that when my last remaining parent dies I would begin my own to sort everything (admittedly I still have both at the moment)

I agree with hiding. I wanted more than one and have two. I wouldn't have felt our family was complete with one child but man was it easier! DC are now 6 and 3. They get on well about 25% of the time at most. 50% of the time they're doing separate things. 25% of the time they're fighting or at least the younger one is screaming because of some (usually minor thing ie "looking at me") the older one is doing. I really enjoy 1:1 time with them, with two everything feels harder. I thought having a second would be twice the good bits but its really not... And DH and I haven't had a single "date night", meal put etc since the second was born because family will only babysit one at a time as one at a time us a pleasure but the two together is a difficult chore! It's hard, like I say I always wanted two and would have been really unhappy to stop at one, and I'm glad they have each other. But I don't really enjoy my day to day experience of parenting two, whilst I LOVED the day to day of being a mum of one.

@lambs123 you've summed up how I feel really well.

Others make me feel selfish too when I explain my reasons but I feel the same as you, I'm enjoying having one DD and not having to split my time. And being a little less financially stretched than we would otherwise be. I don't regret it.

I do think we'll have another at some point though...just not sure when the time will feel right!

This may or may not be connected, but the only two friends I have who are only children both got pregnant with their second child when their first was 6-9 months old.

I am only child. And it was fine. I wasn’t lonely, I wasn’t friendless and I can enjoy my own company but I like a crowd as well. We had DS1 and he was a good baby and we didn’t really want another. But at some stage broodiness took over. I had a horrific pregnancy resulting in DS2 having a long Hospital stay after his birth although he’s fine now. Now that DS2 is less of a baby and more of a person, despite their 5 years + age gap they are very cute. DS2 grabbed his brother and dragged him away to play with trains and DS1 sighed a bit but obliged and they were soon squealing away. They are a tight unit. DS2 wakes up and starts shouting for his brother and then toddles over to his bed at the first chance, climbs in and smothers him with kisses. It is super cute. (They also fight, whinge and today I almost sold them on eBay because they were being little sods).