Second child dilemma

[Samwise123]

I am driving myself slightly crazy over whether to have a second child (may daughter is two and a half). I know only I can make the final decision but I really wanted to find out what people’s experiences of having an only child vs two children is like, from the child’s perspective - as going our first a sibling would be the main reason. She doesn’t have cousins (or close ones) and our friends don’t have children her age. I would love to have another for my own reasons - just because I adore being a mum to my first so much - but for many other reasons I don’t want to (financial and work complications mainly and what it might do to the time and money we would have for our first, not to mention stress levels due to the above).

So my question is - parents of only children, what is it like and how old is your child? Do you basically parent other people’s kids in holidays and on weekends so they have someone to play with? Do you have to spend a lot more time doing things that siblings might otherwise do, so they are not left playing alone? Does it become easier when they go to school as they have playmates in the day? And parents with two - do they play much together? Are they adding beautiful things to each other’s lives, or do they spend more time on whir own/with friends?

This is prob quite desperate as everybody will have different experiences but I’m driving myself crazy and hoping for inspiration! Thanks so much!!

I have a nearly 5 year old ds. We agonized over the decision to have a second and put it off to ensure our careers and finances were in a good position. I just had a baby boy few weeks ago. I am so glad I made the decision to go for it but I am also glad we held off doing it. There will be a gap between them but to be honest it’s so much easier having a new born with a slightly older kid.
There are 6 years between me and my sister and we are best friends.

I have a four year old, two year old and due my third soon. My two are so close, they are such good friends. I was tempted to have a bigger age gap this time, as a bigger age gap would be easier for me middle one would have more hours in nursery and be bit more independent but the age gap works so well we went for it it again. I'm an only child, absolutely hate it. I'm enjoying my two being so close, hope it continues but who knows!

I have 2. I think it’s hard to predict the mix of personalities and relationship you’ll get (mine get on great, many don’t). But I do often find families/friends with only one child asking to meet up/ play A LOT while we are quite lazy and enjoy time/adventures the 4 of us. Especially in the summer holidays I’ve felt slightly sad for some of these families where the kids are clearly craving time with other kids. They may well be feeling sorry for us and the relative chaos of 2 kids but on mornings where we’re drinking coffee in PJs while the kids play together I feel glad about our choice.

We have 2 DDs; aged 9 and 11; they're 20 months apart. The first 3-4 years were hellish and I didn't really enjoy the baby stage much, partly due to being made redundant during my second pregnancy, so money was a huge worry.

We knew we wanted at least 2 children, and when DD1 turned one, we decided to go for it, and I'm glad we did, otherwise if we'd waited till life had gotten easier (when DD1 was sleeping through the night, potty trained etc.), then we may well have chickened out!

There are 26 months between me and my younger sister and we're really close - apart from a few typical teenage arguments, we've always got on well and have faced some pretty traumatic family events together as a team. Neither of us would have coped anywhere near as well as we have on our own.

These days our girls get on wonderfully 95% of the time - they entertain each other, which gives us a break. The other 5% is generally made up of DD2 wanting to play with DD1 and DD1 not wanting to play Barbies/LEGO/acting out scenes from Mamma Mia again! I'm SO glad we have 2; they are such different children so parenting each of them has it's own challenges and rewards and I'm hopeful that they will remain close and will be a source of love and support for one another as they grow up.

Good luck with making your decision - I'm clearly in the "Pro-Sibling" camp, but as you say, only you can decide what's right for you and your family, although as a PP has pointed out; you may regret not having DC2 more than you'd regret having them!

Glad someone else feels the same! We shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about our choices. Life doesn’t always go the way we plan or hope anyway. 😊

There's 15 months between our two. Someone said to me that 'having one is like having a pet, but having two is more like owning a zoo' and I guess that sums up our experience!

I'm an only child and have never asked my parents for a sibling. I was and still am fine with being an only (now mid 30s). Please don't think that all only children are desperate for a brother or sister, because we're not. I grew up with close friends my age and was very happy. If you want another child, have one, but you don't need to do it for the child you already have.

I have two- 2 and a half years between them. Its hard work and i sometimes feel bad for dd as she had me to herself for so long. Baby is only 4 months but I'm starting to see them bond and its such a lovely feeling.

Mine are now teenagers, and detest one another (blood has been shed on more than one occasion). All very close in age. However, I'm glad none of them is an only, given that we were able to have more than one.

I have an older sister who is 4 years older than me. I absolutely adore her. She is my world! Yes occasionally growing up it was a little tricky when she was a cool 17 year old and I was the geeky cling on 13 year old! I’m sure it must have been ok though my mum raised us as a single parent. However I don’t have any personal experience. My DH and I are going through IVF and my initial thoughts were how devestated I was at the thought I wouldn’t be able to have a sibling for a baby and now it looks like we might not be able to have one. Wishing you lots of luck on whatever you decide to do

I have one child.
Not through choice. I have secondary infertility and a partner at the time who was unwilling to take any extra measures to conceive.
My dd has asked for a sibling since she understood the concept.
However, she’s 9 now and understands why there is no sister (she would have hated a brother apparently) and appreciates that we have a much more exciting life than we would have if i’d had two. We’ve been on some fab holidays and weekends away that I may not have done if it hadn’t just been the two of us (I’m a single mum now)
I would have liked to experienced motherhood a second time and having a baby etc, it all seems so overwhelming with the first. However, I have a clever, funny, beautiful daughter and I’m able to offer her the world.
More of my friends have an only child than not but that’s probably to do with the age the children were conceived (most were late 30’s)

I have an only child.
None of my friends had kids, and I'm an only child too so the early years were just me and him (dad not around).
Never wanted kids to start with but ended up pregnant and glad I did. He's my best bud when he's not driving me insane (he's 13 now). He was very social early years, this has changed a bit as he was bullied first year of high school. Come out the other side a lot stronger but obviously has firmer boundaries now, nothing to do with being an only child though. I have loads of help from my Mum and Dad, he stays there once a week. Holidays are a mix of going with friends (mine) or family, and we have taken his friends on holiday, we go with some of his friends too whose parents I'm now friends with and we also go just the 2 of us. It's a good balance.

I've had this debate in my head and decided to stick with my one DS 2.5.

So so so many reasons but one big one is I don't get along with my older sibling and I don't deal well with conflict. We are so happy as we are. Another hold would be like throwing a grenade into our beautiful family.

I have no regrets and DH is fully on board with this - it's a joint decision.

I get all the 'he will be lonely' comments but I couldn't care less. I hope he has a partner and friends by the time we shuffle off and he is not our pension plan - but life isn't what you plan, not everything is in our control so I'll just do my best to raise him to be happy - with and without the company of others .

I am an only child. I had no extended family so no cousins near my age etc. I think the friendships I formed at school were all the stronger for that but at the same time I also had a tremendous sense of independence that stays with me today.

15 months between my two. It's crazy a lot of the time because they are both still under 2 but I can already see the sibling dynamic starting to form and it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!

I didn't really "feel" like a mum until DD2. I don't mean that people with one aren't real mothers obviously! What I mean is I found one child sort of slots into your life and is portable, so my life wasn't really altered all that dramatically. The second child changed that and I feel a lot more tied down and drowning in domesticity some days. I'm hoping it will all be worth it though, particularly as DD1 is quite intense and demanding and wants my attention constantly, I'm hoping having a sibling to play with will give me a bit of a break! DD2 loves her big sister and lights up whenever she sees her face. There was some jealously at the start and DD1 mostly ignored DD2. But things calmed down and just today I was secretly watching while DD1 knelt beside her little sister and starting showing her a new toy and explaining how it worked and my heart soared.

It's been hard work but I'm confident it was the right choice, DD2 is such a beautiful, happy child I'm so thrilled to have her! Best of luck with your decision OP

OhHoly, I liked your comment about grenades. That's exactly it. I'm still not sorry about having more than one, though, despite the fact that it's an entire host of landmines here. Nobody is on speaking terms this evening, though that's an improvement on hand-to-hand combat.

We have 1, I will always be sad that he has no siblings but life doesn't always go to plan. We are a happy threesome and he's an amazing kid. I know he would love a sibling but he has stopped asking. We do need to play with him more because he doesn't have anyone else to play with. We make sure make lots of plans at weekends so that he has friends to play with and fun things to do. We tried for a second but it didn't work out and I'll always have a heavy heart, we are a very happy and close little family but I think there will always be someone missing.

I had 1 very young never really wanted anymore. I was 1 of 6 so dd had plenty cousins to play with.

At 38, dd was 23 I had a surprise pregnancy 🤣.
Sadly Dd1 died when I was 7mths pregnant she never got to meet her DS.
Dd2 will be an only child, but my nieces and nephews all have DC'S the same age so she'll never be short of company.

@BlackType I feel quite certain that had I had a better relationship with my older sibling growing up and/or as an adult I would feel differently.

I think a lot of it is down to the age gap - nearly 5 years - and I don't want to subject my son to having to deal with an estranged relationship with someone he actually grew up with and share memories of family holidays etc with someone he rarely sees.

The only thing we have in common is our parents and that's not something I would like to see or experience again.

Only one war zone per family!

We have 2 DS who are 3 years apart. I found going from 0-1 extremely hard as DS1 is/was very demanding and active. I found the pregnancy with DS2 hard, because I had cholestasis but also I found looking after DS1 exhausting. Well DS2 arrived earlier this year and whilst things are logistically more difficult as I can’t be in 2 places at once, having a second was the best thing we did for our family.

My DH and I are only children. The only benefit to it IMO is financial. Both of us remember being lonely as children and the care/responsibility of our parents as they age are solely up to us. Having said that I am quite independent and used to doing things on my own.

Have two. I was an only child. Yes lots of attention, but lonely as a teenager and boring. Also when your child is older if they have no siblings or cousins who will be their close family?

Our sons are about 2 years apart. Two in nursery is ruining us but it’s the only downside. Didn’t think too hard about stopping at 1 and really pleased we didn’t. They are mostly lovely together and despite a fairly big age gap (proportionately) try very hard to play together. Yes they occasionally do unkind/painful things to each other but it doesn’t last. Amazed we have two boys with same genetic basis who are so different but so lovely together.

We have 2. It’s obviously more demanding- time, energy, finances. But we always wanted a sibling for our daughter. We would like a 3rd but this will be a harder decision as it means bigger house, bigger car, split time even more. It would mean doing less things as a family like holidays & day trips. However I have a brother & a sister & wouldn’t be without them.

You have to be prepared for them not to get on. I know a couple of 2-child families where the siblings have very different characters and just don't want to share time together much.

If you can deal with that, then why not? Family life is more interesting with more kids (if you can afford them). We have 2 and the only reason we don't have 3 is we got too old and wanted our life back :)

Just had second ds after a 7 year gap. Best decision we ever made. He's slotted in to our family and completes us perfectly. I love watching ds1 being such a sweet big brother and how ds2 responds to ds1 😍 I can tell they are going to be quite a duo!