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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To accept defeat by my toddler?

89 replies

NoNarnas · 01/08/2018 17:03

21 month old DS has suddenly gone into tantrum stage. Full on screaming and running round picking up anything in reach and throwing it.

Today he wants juice. I never let him have it and all he has known was water- until he went to an older child’s birthday party last week and it’s all he has wanted since. I’ve given in on several occasions when the weather has been hot just to get some fluids in him but I really would prefer him drinking water like he used to.

Today I’m all out of energy and the toddler is winning. He also has his dummy which Is meant to just be for naps because I cant stand the screaming any longer. I’m hoping tomorrow we can start again!

OP posts:

Rainatnight · 03/08/2018 10:56

Oh FFS. Everyone here cares about the impact of their parenting on their children. That's why people ask these kinds of questions. You don't have the monopoly on that.

TittyGolightly · 03/08/2018 11:02

Never said I did.

Why so defensive?

TittyGolightly · 03/08/2018 11:06

And are you saying that all of the “stand your ground”, “don’t back down”, “don’t show weakness”, “if you give in on this there will be trouble” advice is okay?

Littleloaf · 03/08/2018 11:16

But @TitttGoLightly, I think you must stand your ground sometimes too, because you said:

DD is yet to have any tantrum and she’s nearly 8. She’s very responsive to “no”, usually because it becomes with an explanation, and always have. Now she’s bigger she will try to change my mind, and sometimes does with a well thought out argument, but otherwise will accept the “no” with good grace.

Was she also changing your mind with well thought-out arguments at the age of two, or did she just listen thoughtfully and accede gracefully, all the while understanding the delicate to-and-fro of maternal debate?

Littleloaf · 03/08/2018 11:17

Sorry, I meant @TittyGoLightly

castasp · 03/08/2018 11:18

Titty I don't really understand what you're getting at? I was just the same as my DD when I was a toddler (as was my DH, as are a lot of children - see PPs). We get angry occasionally, obviously, everyone does, but as adults, we have never actually lost our temper! - getting violent when I lost my temper and thinking I could get my own way by losing my temper was trained out of me by my parents long ago.

TBH I very rarely even get angry these days - now that I'm much older, I realise that there are very few things it's worth getting angry over, certainly not day-to-day stuff. I'd probably get angry, for example, if a close relative died due to negligence on the part of someone who was supposed to be looking after them (e.g. in hospital), but I wouldn't lose my temper, and start punching people or shouting and making demands like a toddler! - what would that achieve?? No, I'd channel the anger into assertively complaining to anyone and everyone, taking it to court if necessary.

But this post digresses from the OPs, who just wants some help and support with how to deal with her toddler. From my first post, my message was that things do get better, and hopefully she'll have an easy ride during the teen years!

HSMMaCM · 03/08/2018 11:24

My DD was challenging and I stopped myself fighting ALL the time and reset myself to say "yes" whenever reasonable. It made such a difference.

Can I have juice? Yes - diluted
I want to wear my shorts on my head? Yes
I want to walk round all day with my dummy? No

Original poster

NoNarnas · 03/08/2018 15:52

Well the juice issue seems to be calming down. I think the novelty is wearing off and he has drank plenty of water and not been bothered.

However today he wouldn’t wear shoes. I needed to go out and am struggling to carry him at the minute so I made him to walk barefoot to the car where, once he was strapped into the car seat, I had easy access to his feet to force them on! He was not impressed!

OP posts:

castasp · 03/08/2018 16:04

NoNarnas You sound like you're dong great- that's exactly how I would have dealt with the shoe situation as well.

TittyGolightly · 03/08/2018 16:46

Why did he need shoes on in the car?

I’m a fan of natural consequences. At that age I’d have left DD barefoot and said “oh dear, if you don’t have shoes on you won’t be able to play in the park/feed the ducks/climb the tree in the beer garden/go on the train, boat or bike”. All of which would be likely to have her attempting to put her shoes on herself.

Just giving an alternative option.

I had a relative who did the classic “someone else wants that toy/book/biscuit, give it to them” thing with his children. One day I just took his cup of tea out of his hand and when he asked what I was doing I said “oh, I wanted it. Isn’t that what happens?”

He got the point straight away. Just because they’re children doesn’t mean different rules apply in these situations.

RafikiIsTheBest · 03/08/2018 17:11

But maybe OP doesn't have time to take her DS to the park, woods etc. Maybe she needed to dash out to get some milk before coming back to wait for the boiler man.
It's part of life that not every experience can be fun, and that sometimes you just have to suck it up and get on.

But also you can't do x until you do y is not natural consequences. Letting them ride a bike and getting sore feet is natural consequences as is telling them not to touch the nettles and them getting stung when they do. I like natural consequences but at not even 2 I doubt that OP's DS is going to care that his socks/feet are filthy from not wearing shoes.

Original poster

NoNarnas · 03/08/2018 17:16

Titty I had an emergency doctors appointment that I needed to get to quickly. I wrestled the shoes on to him whilst still on the drive as I knew I wouldn’t have time to reason with him when at the doctors and didn’t really want a tantrum in the waiting room. He had got over his crossness by the time we arrived luckily.

OP posts:

Sellmyhouse · 03/08/2018 17:16

Titty, I don’t disagree with your points, but the OP has already said that her child at this age doesn’t understand the type of reasoning you’re describing. I can see putting the shoes on with him in the car seat and explaining that they have to be put on so that he can do [insert lovely and exciting thing], but leaving him to make that decision on his own probably requires a logic that he’s not capable of right now.

Also, much as I practice the sort of parenting you’re describing, I try to avoid coming off as terribly smug and condescending so...you know, just something to think about.

Gottagetmoving · 03/08/2018 17:29

Or alternatively, pick your battles. What happens aged 1 doesn’t set a pattern for the rest of your life FFS

Except....it does! Especially if giving in continues
Tantrums are a battle you don't ignore.

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