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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accept defeat by my toddler?

89 replies

NoNarnas · 01/08/2018 17:03

21 month old DS has suddenly gone into tantrum stage. Full on screaming and running round picking up anything in reach and throwing it.

Today he wants juice. I never let him have it and all he has known was water- until he went to an older child’s birthday party last week and it’s all he has wanted since. I’ve given in on several occasions when the weather has been hot just to get some fluids in him but I really would prefer him drinking water like he used to.

Today I’m all out of energy and the toddler is winning. He also has his dummy which Is meant to just be for naps because I cant stand the screaming any longer. I’m hoping tomorrow we can start again!

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 01/08/2018 22:52

She’s very responsive to “no”, usually because it becomes with an explanation, and always have

You say that like it’s an unusual practice Titty, it’s really not you know.

Both of mine walked early, talked early and did baby signing. One had very few tantrums the other considerably more. Personality impacts as well as parenting.

I find it odd that you would give advice on a thread about tantrums if you have never dealt with one...

TittyGolightly · 01/08/2018 23:00

Personality impacts as well as parenting.

I think I said that. Hmm

I find it odd that you would give advice on a thread about tantrums if you have never dealt with one...

Well, don’t lose sleep over it, dear.

Casmama · 01/08/2018 23:02

Probably a really obvious suggestion but often distraction can work quite well with my kids- either changing what room you are in or suggesting playing with a toy or something.
Also, he may be a bit young but “you may have some juice with dinner if you are a good boy” etc.
You have my sympathies as my youngest is fairly strong willed but always worst when tired.

NonaGrey · 01/08/2018 23:20

Well, don’t lose sleep over it, dear.

I see your views on respect to others don’t extend to strangers.

areyouactuallykidding · 02/08/2018 08:37

he may be a bit young but “you may have some juice with dinner if you are a good boy”

Don’t do this! That’s teaching them ‘bad’ foods are a treat they get if they are good. A lifetime of issues there!

My daughter is now 3 and I just tell her that things like that are sugary and whilst we can have everything occasionally we can’t have them all the time as they’re unhealthy. Doesn’t stop her asking for ice cream at breakfast sometimes though

DieAntword · 02/08/2018 12:49

DD is yet to have any tantrum and she’s nearly 8. She’s very responsive to “no”, usually because it becomes with an explanation, and always have. Now she’s bigger she will try to change my mind, and sometimes does with a well thought out argument, but otherwise will accept the “no” with good grace.

Bully for you!

On the other hand doesn't matter how much I explain to my 2 year old about how touching the oven nobs might cause him to get hurt, or running in the road, or just trying to escape in any and all public places - he still has a strop about it.

And its not like he doesn't understand - why a few months back he was beautifully compliant, if I said touching the stinging nettles would mean he'd get stung he'd stay away. Now he is going through a massive boundary testing phase if I tell him that he grabs the stinging nettles - and cries, because they stung him. Silly boy.

TittyGolightly · 02/08/2018 13:03

Not silly. Children learn by doing.

DieAntword · 02/08/2018 13:05

Maybe it wouldn't be silly if it was the first time he'd done that. But doing the opposite of what mummy says is more important than not getting stung right now.

Littleloaf · 02/08/2018 13:14

I think we should all send our kids round to TittyGoLightly. She'd have them sorted out in a jiffy!

YeTalkShiteHen · 02/08/2018 13:16

DD has never had a tantrum, she’s had plenty of autistic meltdowns though. DS1 and DS2 have had both.

All kids are different, DS1s sister (from his dad) was a wee angel as a tot. No tantrums, did everything she was told, literally a wee angel. Then she went to school and oooooft she became a wee demon!

Rabblemum · 02/08/2018 13:17

Getvto a Park or fieild for as much of the day as you can. Toddlers brains are like our brains but with turbo charged ADHD, a dose of narsicism and a need to take over (paradoxically if you let them take over they’d be terrified.) Small children are better outdoors, with some trees to climb and other children yiur little one will forget about the battles and find something do do. They calm down at 5.

I watched a documentary about nurseries that hardly have a building and kids run wild all day, they have few accidents and happy children.

SendthisSmile · 02/08/2018 13:49

I have 4 children. Dc1 has never had a tantrum and I was super smug. Dc2 had a few and dc3 - wow! He really embraced the toddler stereotype! Yes you need to pick your battles but personally I have found that you need to be as consistent as possible. Once you have said no, stick to it.
Love the idea about making it a fancy drink in another way, distraction can work wonders!

codswallopandbalderdash · 02/08/2018 13:56

I share your pain. DS is not great at drinking water despite not being given juice as a toddler.. Like others have said - give' juicy water' occasionally i.e. v diluted pure apple or orange juice. Really there is worse he could be having. as an aside ...for those upthread who have said they calm down at 5. I am yet to see it! I think all children have different personalities / needs so it isn't helpful to generalise

Cornishclio · 02/08/2018 14:22

I think if everyone else in the family is drinking squash or juice then targeting the toddler is a bit hypocritical. Either water it down a lot or insist on alternating and everyone should do it not just the toddler. Lead by example. Picking your battles is probably best and unless the toddler will only drink neat juice which is obviously bad from sugar point of view it seems daft to get worked up about it.

TittyGolightly · 02/08/2018 14:55

^^yes

MrsAidanTurner · 02/08/2018 16:03

I'm with the pick your battles crew. A teeny bit of juice won't kill him and I'd say saying no too many times dilutes it.
Your going to be saying no to every single thing soon and he won't care.
It's great he is exploring food and drink 😁😁.
Pick your battles.. Imagine if you had tried new devine drink and someone told you no.. If his diet is over all healthy let him have it..

They ebb and change so much when he gets a bit older you can wean him back off it and let him have other things he wants instead.

Op it's gruelling with demanding toddlers... Don't get entrenched... Distract instead... Gently lead off subject.

areyouactuallykidding · 02/08/2018 17:24

children are better outdoors, with some trees to climb and other children yiur little one will forget about the battles and find something do

Mine enjoys it for 30 minutes then asks to go home so doesn’t work for all children

Original poster
NoNarnas · 02/08/2018 22:03

areyouactuallykidding- yes DS wouldn’t be entertained by a tree and field for more than a few minutes. He isn’t old enough to climb trees yet and doesn’t play with other children. However as he gets older that will obviously change.

We go out a lot and he is much easier to deal with when out of the house.

He has a very short attention span and doesn’t really play with toys so distraction can be difficult.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 02/08/2018 22:24

I think pick you battles. Very diluted juice now & again isn't that bad. The more it's taboo, the more he will see it (& other food/drink you always refuse ) as forbidden fruit & obsess over it.

CharlieBoo · 02/08/2018 23:01

Pick your battles... best advice ever! He knows juice tastes good .. he wants it but isn’t old enough to understand your reasons why. Very diluted won’t do him any harm. God my eldest is 13 and a half and I wish this was the only battle I had to deal with! 😜 Enjoy him.. he won’t be this little forever!

castasp · 03/08/2018 09:00

In the hope that it will make you feel better, I have a teenage daughter who is absolutely lovely now - kind, generous, hard-working etc. BUT she was utterly vile as a toddler! She had temper tantrums lasting 2 hours, was violent - regularly bit other children at nursery, and when we finally got it through to her that she couldn't bite, she went through phases of hitting, nipping, pushing etc.

What worked for me were:
a) working full-time - so only had to deal with her weekends and school holidays (I'm a teacher)
b) Pick your battles, and once you have picked them be consistent eg. I never tolerated any kind of violence, but the juice thing wouldn't bother me - I'd just water it down as though it was squash, and only allow it once a day.
c) Lots of active stuff: walks out, days out, trips to the play park, swimming etc. She loved going for long walks in the push chair, so I'd choose a playpark a good hour from home, walk there, let her play for as long as she wants (it was good for her and tired her out), then walk back
d) when in the house, lots of attention - she loved books and crafting activities, so DH and I took it in turns to read to her, bake with her, painting etc.
e) when you know that saying 'no' is going to cause a 2 hour temper tantrum, DO NOT CAVE in - just accept it, accept the screaming, it's not hurting them. I can remember being out for a walk with my DD and she decided she didn't want to sit in the push chair, she wanted to be carried - I couldn't physically carry her AND push an empty pushchair, so her choice was either walk, or go in push chair. Cue 2 hour temper tantrum on the path, while I had to just there and wait for it to pass (I wasn't caving in!)

It only got better once she started school, but she was about 6 before the tantrums pretty much stopped.

She still does lose her temper on very rare occasions, but the punishment is loss of phone and all electronics and in every other respect she's lovely now. Still very active though - sports, drama, art, music, she gets involved with all sorts of things, and does stuff most nights after school.

Rainatnight · 03/08/2018 09:56

This is such a great thread. (Speaking as someone living it at the moment).

To the 'pick your battles' crowd - I do agree but at the same time, isn't it our job to set boundaries and enforce them? We don't have juice in the house cos I'm picky about dental stuff, and that's something I care about (not saying others don't, it's just a particular thing of mine cos I have such shit teeth Grin). So I'd be with the OP on this one.

And if you do set that boundary and they kick off or beg and you give in, then doesn't it just teach them that you're not serious?

I'm only really thinking aloud and interested in views.

TittyGolightly · 03/08/2018 09:59

She still does lose her temper on very rare occasions, but the punishment is loss of phone and all electronics and in every other respect she's lovely now.

What happens when you lose your temper?

Anger is a perfectly normal emotion. It’s not clear whether you’re trying to teach your daughter not to be angry, ever or how to manage it appropriately.

Rainatnight · 03/08/2018 10:03

Oh bugger off, Titty, I don't know if anyone is interested in your perfect parenting.

TittyGolightly · 03/08/2018 10:52

It’s basic human psychology. And who knows. It’s a big wide world. There’s hope that some might care about the impact of their parenting on their children.