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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accept defeat by my toddler?

89 replies

NoNarnas · 01/08/2018 17:03

21 month old DS has suddenly gone into tantrum stage. Full on screaming and running round picking up anything in reach and throwing it.

Today he wants juice. I never let him have it and all he has known was water- until he went to an older child’s birthday party last week and it’s all he has wanted since. I’ve given in on several occasions when the weather has been hot just to get some fluids in him but I really would prefer him drinking water like he used to.

Today I’m all out of energy and the toddler is winning. He also has his dummy which Is meant to just be for naps because I cant stand the screaming any longer. I’m hoping tomorrow we can start again!

OP posts:
areyouactuallykidding · 01/08/2018 19:00

At that age if you say no to something initially then you have to 100% stick with that - even if you subsequently realise you’re not actually that bothered. Otherwise they just learn that the more they whinge or the longer they cry the better as they’ll get their own way eventually.

When they’re a little older you can explain your rationale more. But for now no has to be no. Not no unless you tantrum then yes!

TittyGolightly · 01/08/2018 19:01

I think that’s similar to the way elephants get “broken” to make them obey.....

Lalliella · 01/08/2018 19:06

The rule on our house is that the kids can have juice only after they’ve had a cup of water. You could make a rule like that perhaps. You must stick to it though, and always be consistent. If you give into tantrums you’re making a rod for your own back. I know it’s easy to say...

MessyBun247 · 01/08/2018 19:07

I couldn’t get worked up about a bit of watered down juice Confused I think you need to relax a bit.

MessyBun247 · 01/08/2018 19:10

And also if he is wanting his dummy more is he maybe feeling a bit poorly? Teething? Just needing a bit of comfort? As long as it isn’t stuck in his mouth 24/7 I wouldn’t worry too much. The world is an overwhelming place for a toddler, it’s no wonder they go a bit mental at times.

NonaGrey · 01/08/2018 19:12

Or alternatively, pick your battles. What happens aged 1 doesn’t set a pattern for the rest of your life FFS

The problem with the oft repeated “pick your battles” is that some people then don’t pick any battles. And worse they then grow actively frightened of having a “battle” or falling out this their child.

My children aren’t “broken” by any means. They are happy, confident and lively children. But they understand that “no” means no. They understand that their parents are in charge.

While I agree that behaviour at 1 doesn’t equal behaviour for life, discipline isn’t something you can just suddenly implement at 5 or 10 or 15.

Good parenting is about being consistent, kind but firm, setting clear boundaries and about loving them enough to be prepared to let them cry occasionally when “no” is the right answer.

It is much, much easier to deal
with a toddler tantrum than a 9 yo tantrum. Dealing properly with the first usually means you avoid the second imo.

TittyGolightly · 01/08/2018 19:20

DD is yet to have any tantrum and she’s nearly 8. She’s very responsive to “no”, usually because it becomes with an explanation, and always have. Now she’s bigger she will try to change my mind, and sometimes does with a well thought out argument, but otherwise will accept the “no” with good grace.

Respectful parenting doesn’t mean never saying no or having no boundaries.

cholka · 01/08/2018 19:22

Maybe what he wants is a novelty drink rather than juice.
Can you offer ice cubes, water with cucumber or lemon or something, cooled fruit tea, use a straw or offer a new cup?
Often the thing they think they want isn't really what they want, they just want an exciting thing...

BadMoodBetty · 01/08/2018 19:24

I wish DS was responsive to "no".

whyIsARavenLikeAWritingDesk · 01/08/2018 19:28

Some of you are trying to say your child has never ever once had a tantrum? No matter how small?? I smell bull

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/08/2018 19:43

I am quite prepared to believe that some children don’t have tantrums - sadly mine weren’t amongst them! I don’t think it is unbelievable that some children don’t have tantrummy characters - they are all different.

areyouactuallykidding · 01/08/2018 19:51

I suppose it depends what people are determining as tantrums. My 3 year old daughter will throw herself on the floor crying but picks herself up and calms down pretty quickly. She would never have a 45 minute or 90 minute tantrum as mentioned above - in fact I thought if tantrums regularly lasted longer than 10 minutes you were meant to seek advice

TittyGolightly · 01/08/2018 19:54

DD has always been very calm. Rarely cried as a baby. When she did everyone was surprised because it was so unusual. Very easy child. Any slight grumpiness was usually hunger. We did baby signing so she learned to communicate very early. She walked early and talked early so it was easy to talk to her about what she could and couldn’t have. Maybe her innate character, maybe parenting, but I never saw the point in a battles for the sake of it.

Pengggwn · 01/08/2018 19:55

TittyGolightly

"Pull shit like this" - like what?

thethoughtfox · 01/08/2018 20:01

Don't buy juice. I know it sounds stupid but don't have it in the house so you can't give it even if you want it to. He will try whatever tactic he can to get what he wants. If you give in once, he will tantrum longer and louder till you give it. On the other side of his tantrum, he will accept it.

Original poster
NoNarnas · 01/08/2018 20:07

TittyGolightly- We have also done baby signing since he was young. Did baby sensory, weaning classes, breastfed till he was 1, followed every guideline I could find- however DS sounds the polar opposite to your DD.

He walked late (16 Months) which led to frustration as he couldn’t get around. He doesn’t talk at all yet and does use some signs but a limited amount. He doesn’t understand reason and saying no usually leads to him doing something even more while laughing! I’m hopings it’s a phase!

OP posts:
DrWhy · 01/08/2018 20:10

We are at 22 months and starting to get the odd tantrum. I’d agree with picking your battles and being consistent. How do you really feel about juice, is it a battle you are willing to fight? If so is it ‘no juice - juice is only for grown ups’, ‘juice is only for parties/granny’s house/friends house’, ‘water first then juice’, ‘only one juice each day’ - pick the level you are comfortable with then try to stick to it. Otherwise if you give in to tantrums it teaches that that’s the way they get what they want so they do them more.
I sound like I have it all sorted here! I totally don’t, we messed up with nighttime’s and have ended up with a situation where if he wakes he knows that crying or shouting will get someone that come to him and I’m trying really hard not to repeat that!
There’s a great book called ‘how to talk so little children will listen and listen so little children will talk’ or something very similar,

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 01/08/2018 20:11

My ds entered the terrible twos at 14 months! He’s such hard work and completely different from my daughter.
He is now
Obsessed by cake etc after my mum gave him some. The only thing that worked for that was never having it in the house- he gives up after a few days. But it’s a tough few days!
Re saying no- a child psychologist friend said that sometimes you should avoid that word as it almost prompts a melt down. Instead- ‘bye bye juice’ etc. Not sure if it works but you have my sympathy!

DrWhy · 01/08/2018 20:12

NoNanas this sounds bonkers but a tip from the book above was to try to avoid telling them what not to do - if you say ‘don’t throw food’ they seem to hear ‘thrown food’ if you say ‘put the food here please’ if gives them a chance to do something they know will make you happy. It doesn’t always work and the word ‘no!’ Still gets employed sometimes but it’s surprisingly effective (so far....!).

Ekphrasis · 01/08/2018 20:14

Janet L saved me at this stage.

Toddler discipline without shame is the book to get.

BounceAndJump · 01/08/2018 20:19

Don't visibly give in, if you want to give in and give him juice then say you can tomorrow but I've said no today, then its you setting the boundaries rather than him thinking he's worn you down by asking repeatedly and trying it again with everything else.
I do let mine have weak squash though unless its bottled water, I don't like tap water myself so understand their preference!

Original poster
NoNarnas · 01/08/2018 20:20

I’ve got a few books but I just don’t have time to read them! By the time DS is in bed and I e done dinner for me and DH I’ve got an hour to tidy up before I go to bed.

OP posts:
areyouactuallykidding · 01/08/2018 20:28

Well ask your husband to make dinner and tidy up whilst you read a book....

Original poster
NoNarnas · 01/08/2018 20:31

DH works full time and doesn’t get home until 7:30pm. I collect DS from the childminder at 4pm and am home for 4:30. In term time I eat with DS at 5:30 and then work on the computer from 7-10pm every night. In school holidays I try to eat without DH so we get to spend an hour together.

OP posts:
Minesalargeginplease · 01/08/2018 20:34

It's really up to you and what you feel is worth fighting for. My DD did this with juice for a while and I let her have limited amounts as I prefer it to water, she might too. I made her brush her teeth after each juice to demonstrate why it was not as good as water. It's hard dealing with tantrums and you have to go with your gut, you have to live with whichever decision you make so it's your choice. If it's super important stick to it, if not let it go. No one is a perfect parent, we are all peddling like mad to keep a float. Just keep swimming, you're doing fine x