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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of no family support :(

54 replies

Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 01/08/2018 09:18

I’m so fed up. We only have mil living near us, apart from her we don’t have anyone else. She has never offered to have dd which obviously she doesn’t have too but would be nice. She comes round once a month even though she lives in the same town. She is in her 40s so not old. She always makes promises that she will do things with dd but it’s bever happened. Me and dh don’t get any time together. Anyway, we asked mil if she could have dd while we went to watch Arctic Monkeys (our fave ever band). She said yes of course, so we bought tickets. It’s next month and she’s now saying she won’t have her, She hasn’t given a reason.

I’m so upset. We will now have to sell(? If you can?) the tickets. It’s in London so cant just get a babysitter and go in the evening, would have to go in the afternoon.

Im so upset. I have a dad but he’s disabled.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 01/08/2018 09:19

Why couldn't you get a babysitter for the afternoon as well?

Bunchofdaffodils · 01/08/2018 09:22

How old is DD? Does mil know you have bought expensive tickets?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 01/08/2018 09:24

It's your child, not hers. You and your partner made the decision to create and raise a baby, the only 2 people with any obligation to care for her is the two of you.
Mil's age is irrelevant, she clearly doesn't want to look after a child, so don't put it on her that you never get time together etc, as this is what you chose.
You have a month to find alternative childcare, it's not like she dropped it on you the day before.

Original poster
Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 01/08/2018 09:25

I have no alternative care.

Dd is 2. I’m worried about getting a babysitter, dd will only sleep if I sit with her, obviously she will have to be put to sleep and I’m worried about a babysitter doing it :(

OP posts:
Bunchofdaffodils · 01/08/2018 09:28

You’re not being selfish, you asked (nothing wrong with that!!), she said “yes” then changed her mind after you’d bought the tickets. Without so much as an apology or explanation?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/08/2018 09:28

I can understand you being upset about the concert. Is there anyone local you could ask to babysit?

MIL is under no obligation to help out otherwise though OP. Of course it would be brilliant to have support with your dc but grandparents have their own lives and some of them just don't want to help out. I can't understand that myself as a grandma but I know not every GP shares that view.

Does MIL work? Is she often very busy? Does she have younger dc herself?

Neshoma · 01/08/2018 09:29

Perhaps with hindsight you should have gone to the cinema instead just to test the water with MIL.

Anyway, is DD young enough to go to sleep and ask your DF to just sit in the house?

Bunchofdaffodils · 01/08/2018 09:31

Can you afford to pay for sitter? There’s a service called ‘sitters’ believe it or not, who we only used once (as couldn’t really afford it) but she was fantastic, very professional.

ICJump · 01/08/2018 09:32

Do you have friends you could ask?

Could you relax the sleep stuff for the baby sitter? When DS1 was about 2 he had to be looked after by a friend while I worked very late. He was still up when I got home. It was fine.

dreamingofsun · 01/08/2018 09:34

so neither of you have any friends that can babysit for one night? there are no responsible neighbours you can pay to do it?

I agree its a bit off of her changing her mind. ON the other hand you are in the same situation as thousands of others who have to pay/find someone to look after their kids to go to work

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/08/2018 09:35

Sitters is a good idea OP, take a look at their website and see if this would suit you. I know it isn't the same as having family look after her but it's an alternative and better than missing your concert.

PirateWeasel · 01/08/2018 09:37

If you're worried about a babysitter not being able to get DD to sleep because she only sleeps for you, wouldn't there be the same problem if your MIL had her? I agree, cheeky of MIL to agree and then back out after you'd committed to the tickets, especially without an apology and explanation. If you knew why, you might be able to reschedule. I mean... is it that she's remembered she's got something else on that night? Or is she chickening out of being responsible for a child she's never looked after alone before? I would be upfront and just ask her.

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 09:38

YANBU. Unless you've fallen out it's normal for family to do favours for each other and she agreed so you bought the tickets.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 01/08/2018 09:39

You have time to get her used to a babysitter, although if you haven't taught her to sleep alone whoever it is (family or paid sitter) may be in for a rough night.

Your MIl was wrong to say yes then cancel but at the end of the day its her choice. Your child your responsibility.

So many seem to feel that their choice to have a child should mean that others have to do the childcare so they can continue their social life etc.

Original poster
Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 01/08/2018 09:43

Nothing to do with others doing childcare so we can have a social life. But she shouldn’t have offered to have her and then cancelled.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/08/2018 09:44

Did you ask her why she'd cancelled?

mydogmymate · 01/08/2018 09:47

I'm just a bit jealous of you seeing Arctic monkeys ( my fave band too) but I couldn't get tickets.
Sorry to derail, I hope you get something sorted Thanks

Bumpitybumper · 01/08/2018 09:47

I personally don't subscribe to the whole 'grandparents have no obligations to look after their grandchildren' mantra that seems to be universal on MN. Of course parents are ultimately responsible for their kids but in my view being part of an (extended) family means everyone should seek to support other members when they might be struggling or in need of assistance. Realistically most parents will find it hard to have any semblance of a life without family support so it is time when I think grandparents do have a responsibility to pitch in and offer their help where they reasonably can. What this looks like could vary based on whether the grandparents are still working, their age and health etc but offering no assistance at all when they are in a position to do so is in my opinion incredibly selfish and to be honest would make me question if they deserve some of the priviliges that come with being a grandparent.

I also feel that family also have responsibility to their elderly or sick and anyone else having a hard time. How someone can go about living their life to the full and focussing completely on themselves whilst someone who they reportedly love is struggling is just beyond me.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/08/2018 09:53

I agree Bumpity that in an ideal world we should all support our children when they have their own children but sadly for many people their lives are not ideal, for so many reasons.

At the end of the day if someone chooses to have a child that's their decision and as wonderful as it would be for them to have additional support from their parents and PILs I don't think they should rely on that when they choose to have children.

Bumpitybumper · 01/08/2018 10:06

@GreatDuckCookery
I agree that you shouldn't necessarily rely on family support, afterall even if you had guarantees from your family that they would help a change in circumstances could mean that they can't offer the support anyway. However I just can't get onboard with the whole 'grandparents have no responsibility' thing even when it's obvious that they are in a position to help. I mean legally they obviously don't have an obligation but morally I would say that they certainly do.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 01/08/2018 10:10

morally I would say that they certainly do

Why? They have done their child rearing and get no say whatsoever as to how many children their offspring have.

Many don't have family to dump their children on and manage perfectly well. Mostsimply realise that their social life will go out of the window for a while or pay for a sitter.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/08/2018 10:15

Different strokes and all that I guess. I don't think there's an obligation from grandparents to help as it's the choice of their children to have a family BUT personally I think if you can offer support and help then it makes for an easier life for the new parents and builds a lovely relationship between the grandparents and grandchildren.

We had very little support when ours were small and I often felt overwhelmed and in need of help but understood that they were my children and that I had made the choice to have them, I am the opposite where my GC are concerned and offer to help out in different ways to give their parents a break. I know it's hugely appreciated too.

Bumpitybumper · 01/08/2018 10:26

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn
Why is wanting your kids to spend time with wider family tantamount to "dumping" them? Surely it's quite the opposite as family normally love each other and therefore the children are likely to be well cared for and the grandparents will benefit from getting to spend time with their grandchildren. I accept that in OP's case her MIL isn't keen but in my experience lots of grandparents cherish the time they spend with their grandkids.

Grandparents may well have done their childrearing however that doesn't discharge their (moral) responsibility to their family in my view. Similarly if the MIL became unwell I would think that OP (and her DH of course) had a responsibility to support her too. It works both ways and without some acceptance of duty and responsibility within families then we will see an awful lot of young families struggling terribly and lots of sick and elderly people very lonely and vulnerable. Very sad!

missyB1 · 01/08/2018 10:27

I'm with Bumpity on this. And actually our kids dont stop being our kids when they turn 18, they dont suddenly just become some kind of vague acquaintance! Im not saying we should still do everything for them, but surely we can put ourselves out for them on the odd occasion? I have two adult children, i often help them out with various things, why? because I love them and they are my kids! And when they have children, those children will also be my family so i will want to help them out too.
Its not about being "obliged", its about caring for family members, and giving a helping hand. Believe it or not this used to be the norm!

daisyinatree · 01/08/2018 10:30

I am in 2 minds here, as I think if someone has a baby, that is their choice, and their responsibility, and they should not expect people to look after them whilst they go out partying/to concerts etc. And when mine were little we had no support (for a number of reasons including we both had very small families who lived far away, or just couldn't help for various reasons....) and we were 100% responsible for the childcare of our 2, and if we DID need or want to go out alone, we had to pay babysitters. We also had to pay a childminder when I went back to work.

Then again, I think it's nice if family CAN help, and CAN show support to younger members of the family who have young kiddies. And to be honest, I saw a number of people leave their kids at their parents for 3 day weekends whilst they went partying or went away for a weekend, and we had no-one, and it made me a bit bitter and envious at the time. (I did have/do have several cousins but would not leave a hamster in their care to be honest!)

So yeah YANBU OP, and I hope you manage to find some help and support soon. Maybe join a hobby group/parents group, and try and join or form some kind of network.

All I will say is even though I was a bit bitter and envious, (of all the people I knew who left their kids with other people whilst they went out a lot,) is that me and DH are incredibly close to our 2 kids (now in their 20's.) Basically, it was, for the most part, just the four of us, and we are like soulmates, and have a fantastic relationship with them. The parents who we knew who got others to look after their their kids a lot (whilst they went out socialising,) are not particularly close to their children now.

Not saying people who left their kids with others while they went out socialising, will have a bad relationship with their kids when they're older, just that IME, the children who went to stay with family, (very often,) whilst their parents went out socialising, are not so close to their parents, as we are to ours. We have a very strong bond.

If I were you, I would try and make a few new friends (as I said before,) but also get a paid sitter so you don't HAVE to to depend on family. Some of those people I knew who got family to look after their kids while they went out socialising, took the piss out of them, and it was very unfair. (Not saying this is you by the way. And good luck.) Smile

Also want to add that there is nothing WRONG with kids staying with family whilst the parents go out socialising, but if it's all the time, it's not fair on the family looking after them all the time...