To be fed up of no family support :(

[Mummysharkdoodoodoo]

I’m so fed up. We only have mil living near us, apart from her we don’t have anyone else. She has never offered to have dd which obviously she doesn’t have too but would be nice. She comes round once a month even though she lives in the same town. She is in her 40s so not old. She always makes promises that she will do things with dd but it’s bever happened. Me and dh don’t get any time together. Anyway, we asked mil if she could have dd while we went to watch Arctic Monkeys (our fave ever band). She said yes of course, so we bought tickets. It’s next month and she’s now saying she won’t have her, She hasn’t given a reason.

I’m so upset. We will now have to sell(? If you can?) the tickets. It’s in London so cant just get a babysitter and go in the evening, would have to go in the afternoon.

Im so upset. I have a dad but he’s disabled.

You can't genuinely expect it, but it is very sad that she doesn't want to spend time with her grandchild.

Personally, I would tell her she has really let us down and then I would distance myself.

Your children don’t stop being your children when they turn 18. I find the concept of suddenly ditching them and not wanting to help them out when they become adults utterly bizarre. I also find the concept of not wishing to have anything to do with your Grandchildren bizarre.

Grandparents don’t have to look after their grandchildren but it’s a nice thing to do, for the Grandchild as well as their son/daughter.

I get that it must be really frustrating but she has form for making promises she won’t keep, so you should have at least tested the water. It also sounds like she doesn’t have a particularly close relationship with your DD and therefore sleeping could’ve have benn a bigger issue. Rather she cancel now, than get a phone call when you were on your way.

You’ll have no problem selling the tickets.

I don’t get this ‘grandparents shouldn’t do anything’. They are FAMILY. When your parents are old and need help (so long as there is no backstory) you of course would help. They are FAMILY. Same way you’d help your kids out if they needed it. It’s a nice thing to do for people.

She’s being shitty going back on her word. I’d be less likely to help her out when she needs it. But that’s me. My family are screwed up so perhaps I’ve got it all wrong.

Grandparents may well have done their childrearing however that doesn't discharge their (moral) responsibility to their family in my view.

Depends how close geographically they are surely? Until ds was 5, both sets of GPs lived at least 3.5 hours drive away from us, and both still worked. Dh was away with HM Forces from when ds was 18 months til he was 5 and a bit, and only home some weekends, so I was it.

It's all very well to get on your high horse and say grandparents have a moral obligation, but they may still have careers they don't want to give up to do childcare, or it's not physically possible due to the time/distance equation.

Have you asked her why and explained that you have bought the tickets?

I'm sorry you are so isolated, must be very hard.

Do you socialise with other Mums with toddlers? Having a baby sitting group is invaluable as your little one gets older. Play dates can give you some very needed couple time or me time.

@scaryteacher
In my original response I did say that any help that could be offered may be limited by things such as the grandparents still working or their health. Distance would obviously also have an impact.

I'm not suggesting that those who aren't in a position to help must offer assistance irrespective of the consequences but what I am saying is that where a grandparent does have the capacity to help then I think they should.

You are going to have to accept that if DD will not be with a baby sitter, you are never going to be able to go out. YANBU to be upset with MIL changing her mind, but YABU to expect her to look after your DD. I don't mean this unkindly - I have been exactly in your position. My MIL lives a short walk away and she and her DH (not my DH's DF) have never been interested in my DC, despite their protestations to the contrary. My DParents live about 30 mins drive away and on one particular occasion we were due at a Christmas party an hour away from home … my DM rang about a week before and said 'we've made other plans, we're not doing it'. Thing that REALLY grates is that DPs would dash 300 miles away to babysit full time for my DSis and her DH when DN was young and they went away for a long weekend, and ILs will travel 3hours in car to baby sit for MIL's DH's DGC for one night … so I guess with us it's personal :-)

Bumpity, I have a friend who has several grandkids. When my friend moves back to UK next year, one of her daughters is making noises about my friend being available for regular childcare. They will be in geographical proximity, and my friend doesn't work.

The problem is, that if my friend offers to help one daughter out, she then feels obliged to offer help to the other two of her kids who have children, so she ends up doing childcare and baby sitting for 5 grandchildren. Friend and husband already help financially with loans etc for their kids. Where do you see the 'help' stopping?

Whilst my friend is happy to do the odd bit of babysitting, and will do childcare when the child is ill so enabling the parents who work to go to work, she doesn't want a regular commitment, as she can see she would be doing unpaid childcare 5 days a week.

She had no help with hers when they were small, due to deaths on one side and parents on the other working abroad. It is do-able. She can see however, that she would be back where she was raising her own kids if she helps too much. It happened to another friend of mine as well....she felt she had to offer to help her daughter out; now she is an unpaid childminder for 5 days a week.

@scaryteacher
I understand her dilemma however, she could help her children without committing to five full days of childcare. It isn't an all or nothing scenario and she needs to set down firm boundaries, however I do think that she needs to really think about the amount of assistance she can offer and not just look to seek the lowest possible level of help with the excuse of wanting to keep everything fair and to not overcommit herself. Quite frankly she could end up in the position with virtually the whole week as leisure time whilst her children are run ragged and absolutely exhausted. I personally would be resentful of my parents in that scenario and I know that when I become a grandparent I would not be content with this either.

Bumpity She raised 5 kids virtually on her own as her dh is HM Forces, and was often away for long periods of time at sea. She's been there, done that, and got the T shirts.

It was her kids choice to have progeny of their own, and it is down to them to sort their childcare arrangements. My friend has done years as a cleaner, dinner lady and school crossing lady to fit around her kids; put them first in terms of food and clothing, whilst making do with very little herself, and now they are all over 30, bar one, thinks that they should have got all their shit in one sock.

I don't know how old you are, but my friend and I are both early to mid 50s. I have no prospect of being a grandparent until I'm in my mid 60s (if ever), and I'm not sure what level of involvement I could physically cope with. If you've done your childrearing and given them a good start in life, how much more are you expected to do? You don't stop being 'you', just because you are a parent; when your own kids are adults, then that should be the time for you to pick up the things you put on hold for them when they were smaller, and have the time, energy and hopefully, funds to pursue them, be that travelling, kicking back a bit, or whatever.

You'll just be told op how you chose to have a child, shouldn't expect family to help out etc etc.

In real life which is very different to mn most grandparents and families like to help out and spend time with dc.

I'm in a similar situation to you and it sucks.

She's let you down and that's annoying and something that you'll have to bear in mind in the future. But focus on the practicalities. You said your DD will only sleep if you're with her, so presumably she wouldn't have settled with your MIL anyway? In that case, why not book a babysitter for the afternoon and evening? Sitters.co.uk will have people. Worst case scenario is one bad night of sleep which won't harm your DD as a one off. You've got a month yet to sort it.

YANBU to be annoyed.

YABU to just give up and sell your tickets.

Both mine and husband’s parents live aboard. Even my husband lives abroad. Until recently, I never went out without the kids, ever.
Then it dawned on me that I was going about things all wrong. Me having 0 social life wasn’t making me a good mum. It was getting me down and I deserved some fun.

I’ve started asking people to babysit when there is somewhere I want to go. My child also doesn’t go to sleep unless I lie with him. I figure that one night of sitting up until he eventually falls asleep on the sofa with the babysitter at 11pm isn’t going to harm him. Same with your child.

Ask a friend/enquire about a babysitter from people or online and go for it.

@scaryteacher
I understand where you are coming from but I just fundamentally don't agree. Your stance seems to be that your friend's responsibility to her adult children is basically non-existent because she's got five children, expended a lot of effort raising them and quite frankly doesn't want to pitch in now to help her kids in case she loses all her leisure time.

In my view she chose to have five children and consequently created this situation where she could potentially find herself burdened with lots of requests for help with childcare. I don't think she should have to take on the kids all of the time but to say that she's done her part and will only offer minimal help seems rather mean spirited. When we have children we might legally only be taking on responsibility for them until they're 18 but I would argue most families don't just cut off support once a child has entered adulthood. You don't stop being you once you have children but you also don't stop being a mother and part of a family when your kids turn 18.

I also understand the age element and I am early 30s so admittedly not that knowledgeable about the impact of aging however it is likely that your friend's adult children will be expected to work probably FT well into their 60s and beyond. They probably won't have this window of time that your friend with relative health where they can optimise their leisure time and do all they wanted to do. Again seems a bit mean spirited to know that this is probably the case and yet still look to optimise your own retirement whilst looking to avoid helping your kids out with childcare.

I personally don't subscribe to the whole 'grandparents have no obligations to look after their grandchildren' mantra that seems to be universal on MN

Well I do. Just because I have sex in the heady days of my 20s or 30s and produce a sprog doesn't mean I am responsible for sprog's offspring too over which I have no control 30 odd years later. I've got one ds, he might decide to have 4 kids! There was a reason why I didn't have 4 myself!

BUT it's completely unreasonable to say you'll look after a child and then change your mind for no good reason and so I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to be upset.

Ah, that's the difference between us, it's age and generational expectation. I did not expect any help with childcare. If either mil or my Mum offered to have ds for a week in the holidays, then I would drive him up and leave him for the week, and then do another 7 hour round trip to get him at the end. I was grateful for the help, but I waited til it was offered; there was no expectation that it would be forthcoming. We budgeted for 48 weeks a year childcare and allowed for dh looking after him for two weeks, and then me having him for two weeks.

On a day to day basis, you sorted yourself out, and coped, especially as there was no alternative with geographical proximity.

I chose to have ds; it was my responsibility to look after him (and as he is in his last year of university, doing his MA, without any loans whatsoever, arguably, we have done that), but I didn't have him thinking he will have kids and I'll have to do childcare. He may not want kids; I wasn't sure I did until I was 29.

Given that women of my age (born mid 60s) now don't get their state pensions til they are 67, my friend and I could potentially be working well into our 60s, so that one won't wash I'm afraid. Have just calculated my friend's state pension age and hers is 67 as well. Should she be juggling working and childcare? I would also point out that our pension age may also move right. It already has by 7 years.

Wait til you hit your 50s, and you might want to revisit your opinions. At 40 I was working a 60 hour week as a secondary school teacher, doing all the domestics and school runs as dh was posted overseas. The thought of returning to teaching when we get back to the UK fills me with horror, as I couldn't cope with it now I've been able to get some distance from it. I'd be on my knees after a week. You do slow down; any aches and pains can get worse, and can be permanent.

I don't think my friend is mean spirited at all; but she knows her kids, and can see a situation where she is guilt tripped into doing far more child care than she wants to avoid sibling strife. Her dh is also of the attitude that they have provided for, and still do provide for the kids (in terms of financial help where needed), but at some stage they have to stand on their own two feet. If they feel mature enough to become parents themselves, then they have to take responsibility for their kids and not rely on their own parents to sort them out. If she helped out as you think she should do, she would have three under 5s (and maybe three dogs) for part of the week. That's a lot for someone to cope with, especially as it would be year round, given care would be needed in the holidays.

I’ve contacted the babysitter I use normally. She’s lovely but only had to sit round Mine as the kids would be asleep when we go out. She said she would 100% do it! I’m so happy!

Oh come on the ops asking for a couple of hours babysitting for a one off event, she's hardly using gps for childcare.

God forbid a grandparent actually admit to wanting to spend time with their gc on mumsnet.

I bet they're the same grand that moan when they're asked not to visit at the hospital or that their dc don't have much time for them. You can't have it all ways.

I’ve contacted the babysitter I use normally Oh that's good. I was under the impression you hadn't used a babysitter before. Glad you have sorted it and can still go.

You mention her visiting you, but not you her. Do you think she maybe thinks you’re only interested when you want something.

We aren’t welcome at hers since she met her new partner.

How can you say when we want something when we have never asked for anything?

Glad you've found someone. Personally, I think it's mean of your mil to back out with no good reason.
I was going to ask if dd goes to nursery. A couple of my friends have paid nursery nurses to babysit. The bonus is that they were already familiar with the children and vice versa

Good that your usual babysitter can do it.
Mean of your MIL to agree and then back out. On the other hand I can understand her reluctance to sit all afternoon and then have to put your dd to bed when she’ll only sleep if you’re sitting with her. That’s enough to make any potential babysitter anxious, the thought the child won’t settle and may be upset and overtired. But if that’s the reason then she should have said no from the off

Personally I would deal with the sleep issue because it’s very restricting if you can normally only use a babysitter if your child is already asleep, and you’re hoping won’t wake up once you’re out! It’ll be far more relaxing all round if you can go out for the evening knowing your dd can cope.