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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pre nuptial agreements

59 replies

staplegun88 · 01/08/2018 08:18

Anyone got one?

OH and I are getting married in less than 3 weeks, small do, just close family in Registry Office, meal in pub etc.

It is second marriage for us both, we both have grown up kids from our previous marriages.

Last night, OH was doing his accounts from his business in the house office, and I popped in with a cuppa. On the screen was a 'pre nuptial agreement form' which he was filling in with details of both our assets. I laughed and asked what was he doing?

He replied that he wouldn't get married unless we did this, and I signed it. Hmm.

I went off and did a quick google. Apparently, they are not legal, but can be upheld in certain circumstances. BUT... they have to be drawn up by lawyers, the other party must not be pressured into signing, and they must be done at least 21 days before the wedding. So, a fail on all 3 counts!

Regarding the assets, yes he has a fair amount, but then I am have assets too. Its a fairly even split tbh. I told him before we got engaged that the simplest thing to do, to ensure our respective children inherit our things fairly is to make a will as soon as we have got married.. Not all this pre nup crap. AIBU?

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 01/08/2018 08:20

I don't think it's legally binding and this would put me off him. Did he have a messy divorce?

Lazypuppy · 01/08/2018 08:23

I don't see the issue.

If you stsy happily married, nothing happens.

If you break up, it stops any arguing and everyone can walk away with what they had.

I would want one as i own another property, which i bought before i met my partner.

MaMaMaMySharona · 01/08/2018 08:26

I don’t see the issue either, although as you mentioned he’s done it all wrong anyway so it doesn’t look like you need to worry!

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/08/2018 08:27

They’re not legally binding as you have said.

happymummy12345 · 01/08/2018 08:33

Legal or not, I would not marry a man who didn't trust me.
1 that to me says he would be thinking about us splitting up one day.
2 if he didn't trust me enough to be fair in the event we did split up, then I wouldn't want to be with him at all.
Then again I don't believe in marriage being about protecting what you have or financial security. We have nothing, no savings, we rent, I was a student at the time. But even if we had loads, it still would not have been about that to me.

Hundredacrewoods · 01/08/2018 08:39

@happymum I think your first point is incredibly naive. Every adult should at least 'think about' something that has a 50% chance of happening. It's no reflection on their intentions, just like putting on a seatbelt doesn't mean you're intending to drive dangerously and crash.

Lazypuppy · 01/08/2018 09:27

No one wants to thinks about breaking up, but things happen and life can change.

As pp said, you are naive if you don't even consider it.

I want to protect myself and my partner financially, then there is no bitter arguments IF we broke up as we would both know where we stand

CherryPavlova · 01/08/2018 09:39

I’d have had a real issue with this. It undermines his commitment to your marriage. All things becomes shared when you take your vows, unless your saying them but not meaning them.
He’s either not committed or thinks you’re not.

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 09:43

I think you are right. Draw up a will as that is legally binding, assuming you jointly own the house you're going to be living in you need to decide what to do in the event of one of your deaths. There have been cases of one partner dying and the surviving partner changing the will so only their children benefit from the joint estate.

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 09:45

I think the principle of a prenup is fine to be honest especially when it's a second marriage and you have grown up kids (I'm assuming that means you don't plan to have more kids together). The assets that you amass together as a couple should of course be shared but if the marriage should end surely you'd both want to leave with what you came in with (plus your share of whatever new assets you may have gained together).

Lazypuppy · 01/08/2018 09:45

@CherryPavlova yes everything becomes shared when you are married, but why should it still be shared if you get divorced?
Take out what you had before and split anything aquired during the marriage seems the most fair way to me.

I don't want my partners money, so why would i want half of it if we got divorced? Its his

borlottibeans · 01/08/2018 09:48

It's not necessarily a bad thing in its own right if you have grown up children whose interests you want to protect, but this is the sort of thing that should be discussed well in advance not dropped on you last minute with an ultimatum. If you hadn't gone in then, when was he going to tell you? I'd be really uncomfortable about this theoretically as neither of us have any assets worth protecting.

Whatever you decide to do don't sign anything without speaking to a lawyer - and not his lawyer! - first.

easyandy101 · 01/08/2018 09:49

You can't sign away your legal responsibilities in the uk

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 01/08/2018 09:53

They aren't legal in the U.K yet but hopefully that will change at some point. I think either sex should be able to protect their assets.

I think the principal behind them is good, if you marry a person you do so for love and because you want to make a life long commitment. If a person won't sign then obviously their motives are not so pure

Hont1986 · 01/08/2018 09:53

When I get in a car, I put on a seatbelt. It doesn't "undermine my commitment" to the driver. If you are both going into the marriage with significant assets then it is sensible and reasonable to talk about how those assets get divided on divorce as well as death.

Pre-nups are not exactly binding, because a judge can deviate from them if he thinks it is fair to do so. But as you've said, in these circumstances, it is probably not going to hold up.

Bezm · 01/08/2018 10:01

In your situation, i.e. Second marriages, I would have a pre nup. It doesn't mean he doesn't need trust you, it means that he's protecting his current assets, as you should also do.
Makes perfect sense to me. I would sit down with him and complete the forms together, rather than secretly.

DixieFlatline · 01/08/2018 10:15

I think the issue here is less the pros and cons of a pre-nup and more what kind of person you're planning on marrying if this is how you find out about his plan to have a pre-nup, and how he feels about the importance (or not) of actually discussing anything with you.

allertse · 01/08/2018 10:18

Absolutely no way would I sign a pre-nup. If I had assets I wanted to ringfence I wouldn't marry the person.

Marriage is a legal commitment, not a romantic notion.

Trinity66 · 01/08/2018 10:33

I mean you would think he'd have discussed it with you sooner than 3 weeks before the wedding and not made it such an ultimatum straight of the bat, however I can see why people might want to get them when they're going into second marriages and already have children, to protect those children inheritance.

HollowTalk · 01/08/2018 10:36

My children are adult and if I married again I wouldn't want my second husband to have my house after I died.

I've worked so hard for my house and I want that to be left to my children. Anything I earn from the point of that second marriage should be shared, in my opinion, but the house is for my children, not for some relatively new man. I would expect him to want to do the same, too.

AngelsSins · 01/08/2018 11:02

I think those saying this is fine are glossing over a major point: he didn’t talk to you about it! That’s massive. Why should he get to draw something up last minute and then force OP to sign it? That’s not how pre nups work and it’s not how relationships work either.

Trinity66 · 01/08/2018 11:03

Yeah, that's what i was saying, I do understand why he'd want one but the way he's gone about it is pretty odd and a bit insulting

Want2bSupermum · 01/08/2018 11:09

DH and I had a prenuptial agreement when we married 10 years ago. We are still married. I think they are great. With that said we talked about the issue a lot. We each had our own legal counsel and we don't live in the U.K.

3 weeks before the wedding and you having no legal council, it's a worthless agreement. However you need to talk to him.

Birdsgottafly · 01/08/2018 11:16

I know of a circumstance were a Couple were in a car crash. He died before she did. It doesn't matter if you die a minute apart, whoever lives longest can inherit. You are more likely to be together when you die. Google the amount of fatal car crashes each weekend.

With Adult Children getting a prenup is absolutely the right thing to do.

Why should all your Children's inheritance go on legal fees, or end up going to someone who may just blow what they have been left.

I'm surprised that you don't want to protect what is your Children's and Grandchildren's inheritance..

Birdsgottafly · 01/08/2018 11:17

But I agree that it should have been discussed.

Does he often not really think about things and do them last minute?

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