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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend and dog.

99 replies

ILoveGreekCats · 31/07/2018 22:19

I've been going out with a great guy for 6 months. We're both early fifties and divorced and really enjoy each other's company. He's got a little dog which he takes everywhere. I've asked him not to bring the dog every time we meet and that it would be nice to spend some time just the 2 of us without the dog in tow. When he picked me up last night to go for a drink and arrived with the dog I was so annoyed and told him that I couldn't do this anymore. I feel like he doesn't consider my feelings and that the situation is just too stressful. Not really asking for advice. Just wondered if anyone had had a similar experience.

OP posts:

Greyhorses · 01/08/2018 07:59

I’m the dog owner and would bring mine everywhere if I could!

Unfortunately DH put his foot down and they stay at home but I do wish he didn’t dislike them so much

Get rid and let him do what he wants.

hairymoragthebampot · 01/08/2018 08:22

Bertrandrussell agree

crispysausagerolls · 01/08/2018 08:22

YANBU OP. I am a dog person - I have a dog who I ADORE and was always raised with dogs, but I wouldn’t dream of traipsing him about with me. I think it’s bizarre, frankly. As you say it limits the places you can go, but also it means the dog never has any alone time (no wonder it has separation anxiety). Very weird that he can’t spend time away from his dog either. I knew someone like this once too and he ended up being a total nightmare.

thisisannc · 01/08/2018 08:22

Since you've already talked to him about this and it hasn't made a difference, he's already chosen the dog over you. That's his right and (speaking as a dog person) I don't think it's that weird a choice.

If I were to be single and dating, one of the most important things I'd be looking for in a new partner would be their acceptance of my dog as being a huge part of my life - she can't be left alone for more than approx 90 minutes at a time (and I wouldn't want to leave her for longer even if I could), I spend most weekends out in the country walking her, I never get to stay in bed later than 6:30 in the morning, etc. I don't bring her everywhere with me, but completely understand why some people want to always have their dogs with them.

You just aren't fully compatible with this man, a shame though that is.

Wolfiefan · 01/08/2018 08:30

If the dog has separation anxiety then he can't leave it. At all. He needs to take it with him all the time. Even going to the toilet and leaving the dog will feed the fear and make it worse.
A dog with separation anxiety will have something akin to a panic attack when left. And every time they are left will reinforce how terrifying it is to be alone.
It can be treated but it's bloody hard. He needs to leave the dog for no longer than it can cope for. Ever. To start with that may mean putting his hand on the door or picking his coat up. If that triggers the anxiety than even that's too much.
A behaviourist could advise.

Theniggle · 01/08/2018 08:36

I can't believe there are actually people who think it's acceptable to bring a dog to every single date. If the dog has separation anxiety so serious it cannot be left alone at all, he should be seeking professional help for its issues.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/08/2018 08:37

Suffers from separation anxiety so gets distressed if he goes to the loo

Well there you have the answer to why he takes his dog everywhere with him.

Syfychannel · 01/08/2018 08:45

He does need to work on treating the separation anxiety and training to walk on lead etc. Obviously it would be nice to have dates sometimes without the dog if you wanted to go somewhere that doesn't allow dogs so I don't think you are unreasonable to want that.
However I do agree you don't sound to be compatible if he is a very big dog lover who wants to take the dog everywhere and not that scrupulous about cleaning up after it (sand in bed), and you are not that keen on dogs and prefer things at home cleaner.

hungryhippo90 · 01/08/2018 08:49

OP, let me share a couple of stories, of situations I’ve known people like that with dogs.

I used to look after a dog who had continuous human company, his owner was an alcoholic in his very early days of recovery when he got him, owner was quite ill and unable to work at the time. He was alone except for the dog. No friends, no family, the dog became his everything. A real companion. As life got back on track for him, he gained more confidence in his sobriety, and he went back to work, he couldn’t face the prospect of his dog being on his own, so he went to work with him, they’d share KFC in his car, if his dog wasn’t invited he wouldn’t go- anywhere. Understanding that the first thing he had ever been solely responsible for was his dog, and the love he gave him was really heartwarming.

His bosses eventually banned the dog from work for safety reasons.

I started to look after the dog, to be fair he was the loveliest company. He just loved his humans- for a year i was never without him because he was no trouble, really lovely boy to be around who thought he was human.

On the flip side. My current dog, he goes everywhere with us because he ruins the house when we leave him, he’s calmer and I don’t have £££ of damage and cleaning to sort when I get home that way, and I know if he continues to ruin my home that I’ll have no choice but to get rid of him, and in fairness I can’t do that to him.

With all due respect, if you don’t come to the conclusion on your own as to why he has his dog with him all the time then long term this won’t work for you.

Bimgy85 · 01/08/2018 08:51

Yup I think that's bizarre too, where I live, people only take their dog out for walks, or long days out to the beach or whatever, no casually dragging your dog out wherever you go with you

The only people I've ever seen have their dog with them 24/7 are homeless people actually
Anyway yes get rid

ineedaholidaynow · 01/08/2018 08:52

Does your BF take his dog to work, to the shops? Surely there are times he has to leave the dog at home?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 01/08/2018 08:54

The dog comes first. Rightly so. Find someone else OP

hungryhippo90 · 01/08/2018 08:57

I do agree with PP about the dog needing help with SA.
I’ve got a behaviouralist for my dog which is helping, he’s on Yucalm tablets, plus training, even then at times it’s hard to deal with.

Can he get a dog carer to have him every so often? My dog thrives on the company of other dogs.

Original poster

ILoveGreekCats · 01/08/2018 09:31

Thanks for all your replies. I'm really sad that this has become such an issue. I realise that going through a difficult divorce his dog has been his companion and he's got used to always being with her.What infuriates me is that we talked about it but nothing has changed. His dog is disobedient and every outing is stressful - for me. I've been patient and appreciate that the way I feel must upset him. But obviously we're not compatible.

OP posts:

thirtyplusone · 01/08/2018 09:37

Sorry op. Best nip this one in the bud. The dog won’t be going anywhere and politely, if you’re not a dog person you won’t get it :) poodles are prone to separation anxiety and it sounds like him might have some too changing routine would be very detremental to the dog so you’re honestly best going your separate ways here. Love me love my dog etc.

Gabilan · 01/08/2018 09:53

does that person really exist though? I love my own dog, but the thought of a sandy dog in my bed

Same here. I've always had animals. I grew up with dogs. Anyone I date has to put up with hay and horse hair, not to mention frequent 5am starts. But, it sounds as if this dog is a problem. I don't want a sandy dog in the bed. A reasonably clean dog, fine, but it needs to be out of the room sometimes.

What happens to the dog if something happens to this man? We cannot guarantee we'll be healthy all the time. I think responsible owners owe it to their pets to insure that if anything were to happen to them, the pet would be OK. My horse is willed to a friend of mine and I know he'll be fine with her. My neighbours would take on the cats and since they look after the cats when I'm away I know they'd be fine too.

Sorry, I realise this may sound bleak and melodramatic. But what happens if a friend or relative has to go into hospital and he wants to visit them? That level of attachment, one on one, isn't really healthy for either of them.

Branleuse · 01/08/2018 09:55

that would bore me too. I quite like dogs, but i wouldnt want one around constantly. Youve got to be able to go out without it

longwayoff · 01/08/2018 10:06

You're not for him. My dog is unbearably needy and comes everywhere with me. Cant train it out of him although I can occasionally leave him with a friend who has dogs of her own which reassures him. Pets are non-negotiable.

BunsOfAnarchy · 01/08/2018 10:20

You say you feel anxious and the whole date ends up feeling stressful for you.

Understand that if he leaves his dog at home, that's how the dates will end up for him; anxious and stressful.

The dog will not leave his mind for a moment.

Its a straight up compatibility issue here. Neither of you are wrong. I do think its maybe a tad weird that the dog dictates where you go as he is never left at home, but im not a massive dog lover so its beyond my understanding. Id hate it too so its best to call it a day.

theOtherPamAyres · 01/08/2018 10:56

An anxious, badly behaved dog is not a happy dog. A dog that calls the shots by refusing to walk on a lead is a dominant dog.

When the dog's needs take precedence over other walkers, and restrict the owner's activities and relationships, then the owner the owner has a choice - either to seek professional help into mananging the dog or continuing to live with an unhappy, dominant dog that has issues.

I can understand why you do not want the needs of the dog to restrict the kinds of activities that new couples enjoy together. Why should you, just so that your partner can a quiet life with a phobic dog that needs training?

It's not too late for him to see that he is part of the dog's problem and ought to be exploring ways to deal with his dog's mental state? He's guilty of being lazy and failing the dog.

starcrossedseahorse · 01/08/2018 10:59

OP maybe it is a test for you. You clearly don't like the dog and if I was him that would be enough for me to finish things with you. So perhaps you are just not suited.

SilverySurfer · 01/08/2018 11:07

I think you're being unrealistic rather than unreasonable to think he is going to leave his dog at home so looks like he's for the chop.

Gabilan · 01/08/2018 11:14

An anxious, badly behaved dog is not a happy dog. A dog that calls the shots by refusing to walk on a lead is a dominant dog

Hard to know how an anxious dog can be dominant. Dominance theory in dog behaviour has been thoroughly discredited - good article on it here www.apbc.org.uk/articles/why-wont-dominance-die

MsVestibule · 01/08/2018 11:21

I'm a dog lover (we've just got our first puppy) and while I understand the love owners have for them, our pup will not be taking over our lives and restricting everything we do.

OP, this would be a dealbreaker for me. Taking your dog absolutely everywhere you go is as weird as taking your children everywhere. If he was actively addressing his dog's behavioural issues I would give him a bit more time but he's really saying 'like it or lump it'. I'd lump it.

DobbyisFREE · 01/08/2018 11:22

I'd be fine with the dog but a sandy crack would be a deal breaker.

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