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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my BIL a bit self-centred

63 replies

SilentEm564 · 31/07/2018 10:45

There's a back story, but I think even without it I would still think he's self-centred. Here goes...

BIL (DH's brother) is in his mid-30s and every year for the last 10+ years for his birthday he would have a large birthday party at a swanky (expensive) place, usually with a minimum spend per person. He also required presents from us and his other immediate family members.

E.g. the last 2 that I've been to have been in central London bars, where he's hired out a large room or the rooftop. The minimum spend would be £30-40 pp.

However I was v ill during my pregnancy last year and didn't go to his birthday do. He was unhappy and wanted DH to come alone. DH refused as he wanted to look after me and be home in case something happened. In addition, the venue BIL chose was an hour+ drive away, and DH didn't want to drive all that way for "a can of coke" (as in no drinking).

This year with a new baby, a large mortgage and me on maternity leave (v little income) we can't afford to go nor do we want to go and leave the baby. Of course BIL isn't happy, but expects us to make it up to him with a more extravagent present. I'm expecting him to kick off again when he finds out we can't afford the extravagent present either.

AIBU in thinking he's just very self-centred? Surely a grown man doesn't need his brother to come to every birthday party?

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinjuly · 31/07/2018 10:48

How about a lovely framed photo of you all and a card!!!!???
And then stay home and enjoy the baby.

wafflyversatile · 31/07/2018 10:49

It's ridiculous. I want to know the backstory though now.

Nightmanagerfan · 31/07/2018 10:52

Does he pay for the drinks? If he picks somewhere with a minimum spend he should cover the costs for his guests.

He sounds like a child. Why does he want extravagant presents? Was he poor as a child? I’d find that very tiresome.

In our family we do presents - maybe £30-£50 for normal birthdays and £100 for a significant birthday. But to be honest no one is looking for a present and if someone couldn’t afford it there wouldn’t even be a comment.
Can your DH have it out with him? “We have kids now and our budget won’t stretch to fancy presents so we need to stick to a £x limit from now on.” And repeat. You don’t need to apologise: if he’s upset your DH could say, “surely you’re not suggesting we get into debt to finance a present for a grown man?”

mickeysminnie · 31/07/2018 10:52

Does he spend lavishly on your birthdays?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2018 10:57

This whole thing is ridiculous. Exactly how does one "require" that others buy them presents? Are you sure he's not 6 six years old? Tell him to stick it in his arse and don't give this nonsense another thought.

Original poster
SilentEm564 · 31/07/2018 10:59

@Nightmanagerfan Oh gosh no guests have to buy enough drinks themselves to ensure we hit the minimum spend.

@mickeysminnie my birthdays don't even get a text message. And DH usually gets a small token gift.

@Aquamarine1029 I should say he requests them. For example he'll text us and say for my birthday this year I want such and such.

OP posts:
Nightmanagerfan · 31/07/2018 11:01

Gosh he sounds like an overgrown spoilt toddler! Hit it on the head this year. I can’t believe you get a text and your DH a token! That’s so rude.

mickeysminnie · 31/07/2018 11:01

In that case tell him that you will no longer be doing gifts for adults and he shouldn't feel obliged to get you and your dp anything either.

thecatsthecats · 31/07/2018 11:01

Well he can fuck the fuck off then.

Honestly, and with no regrets.

I'm not usually one to join in with the mumsnet mantra about adults celebrating birthdays, but this is absurd. He's not just a bit self centred, he's completely self absorbed.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2018 11:02

Text him back and tell him he knows where the store is so he can buy it himself. Honestly, WHY on earth are you even entertaining this absurd, self-entitled behaviour from this twat?

FiestaThenSiesta · 31/07/2018 11:03

And you pander to him.... why?

Tell him from now on, you’ll get him the same thing he gets you and his brother.

FiveShelties · 31/07/2018 11:04

What a way to have a birthday party - to get everyone to pay for it - why did I never think of that?!Grin

I think if he is hiring a 'minimum spend' venue he is the one who should be doing the spend.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 31/07/2018 11:06

Just tell him you'll spend on him what he has spent on you. That should sort it!

KC225 · 31/07/2018 11:07

You have a real baby to concentrate on this year not a mid's 30 pseudo baby. Find your innner Elsa and let it go. Let your DH deal with it and send him a text on the morning.

PurpleWithRed · 31/07/2018 11:09

Good grief, that's appalling! Just stop right now, he's an entitled brat.

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2018 11:11

I don't think it's ridiculous to celebrate birthdays as an adult but you obviously have quite different lifestyles so he should realise you're not going to be able to do the same things now

Original poster
SilentEm564 · 31/07/2018 11:16

I tried to knock it on the head last year, but DH gave in after a looong phone call with BIL.
DH is too afraid of a fall out with his brother.
DH has bent over backwards for him so often that I think it's taught him to expect it as normal now.
We'll work on breaking the habit.

Glad to hear we're not being stingy. Thanks guys

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 31/07/2018 11:17

I honestly would just ignore this nonsense.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 31/07/2018 11:18

Perhaps only your husband should go to his brother's birthday?

The framed photo is a nice idea. I'd move towards cheaper presents and give it no more thought.

LoveInTokyo · 31/07/2018 11:19

You know you're not being stingy. He "demands" an expensive present every year and doesn't get you anything in return.

Even if he did get you expensive presents every year you would still be within your rights to stop if you couldn't afford it.

But he is just being a cheeky fucker.

Hadalifeonce · 31/07/2018 11:19

I would just send a card on his birthday, and leave it at that. Unless it is a special birthday, we don't bother with presents for adults.
I certainly wouldn't enter into a discussion with him about his childish behaviour.

NWQM · 31/07/2018 11:19

Why have you not called him out about the discrepancy in the way birthdays are treated? Totally get that you don’t want to ask him for presents etc but the lack of any thought yet having expectations of you is very stark. I personally wouldn’t say anything about the baby. I’d just get your husband to praise him for the sensible idea to move in from lavish gifts etc and that he’ll get him a token gift too as wouldn’t want to not acknowledge the day but just a reminder that your three birthdays are x as he forgot yours. Make a big fuss of sending an Uncle card - ekk so exciting first one etc - maybe with footprints / handprints. Make a fuss. Don’t spend hardly anything. Act surprise when he is unhappy.

YouTheCat · 31/07/2018 11:21

What is your dh afraid of? What does he think your bil will do?

He needs to 'man up', for want of a better phrase, and tell him there will be no more expensive gifts or attending parties.

Take this silly man's power away. He can't actually do anything.

ChasedByBees · 31/07/2018 11:24

my birthdays don't even get a text message. And DH usually gets a small token gift.

Have you ever pointed this out when he requests his gifts?

ChuffingNorah · 31/07/2018 11:26

It sounds as though the back story must be something significant, otherwise your DH wouldn't be putting up with this. If he were making a fuss over your birthdays too, then you could have that conversation that goes "shall we agree to just cards this year?". As it is, this clearly a pile pile of childish nonsense and you must know that.

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