Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my BIL a bit self-centred

63 replies

SilentEm564 · 31/07/2018 10:45

There's a back story, but I think even without it I would still think he's self-centred. Here goes...

BIL (DH's brother) is in his mid-30s and every year for the last 10+ years for his birthday he would have a large birthday party at a swanky (expensive) place, usually with a minimum spend per person. He also required presents from us and his other immediate family members.

E.g. the last 2 that I've been to have been in central London bars, where he's hired out a large room or the rooftop. The minimum spend would be £30-40 pp.

However I was v ill during my pregnancy last year and didn't go to his birthday do. He was unhappy and wanted DH to come alone. DH refused as he wanted to look after me and be home in case something happened. In addition, the venue BIL chose was an hour+ drive away, and DH didn't want to drive all that way for "a can of coke" (as in no drinking).

This year with a new baby, a large mortgage and me on maternity leave (v little income) we can't afford to go nor do we want to go and leave the baby. Of course BIL isn't happy, but expects us to make it up to him with a more extravagent present. I'm expecting him to kick off again when he finds out we can't afford the extravagent present either.

AIBU in thinking he's just very self-centred? Surely a grown man doesn't need his brother to come to every birthday party?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/07/2018 11:28

I would HAVE to point this out. "Oh, I was going to get you what you got me last year..."

pigsDOfly · 31/07/2018 11:29

I really don't understand this.

Why is everyone so afraid of this overgrown toddler? He stamps his foot and demands your DH goes to his party and brings an expensive present.

So what exactly is he going to do if he's told no? Sulk, cry, scream? Let him. And then he can fuck off with his demands.

spanishwife · 31/07/2018 11:33

I would HAVE to point this out. "Oh, I was going to get you what you got me last year..."

This^^

What a narcissistic idiot!

Original poster
SilentEm564 · 31/07/2018 11:33

Back story is a series of events / comments that made me think he's quite selfish. Like demanding DH to drop everything and drive him home through the snow for 2hrs and not even offering to pay petrol.

I don't think I should be the person to call him out. If I do it, I'm the evil SIL. Isn't it better coming from DH?
DH won't do it though, he doesn't do confrontation. I think growing up he's so used to letting his brother boss him about he doesn't know how to stand up to him. It's almost like brainwashing!

OP posts:
Original poster
SilentEm564 · 31/07/2018 11:34

"Oh, I was going to get you what you got me last year..."

Brilliant Grin

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 31/07/2018 11:36

He doesn't need to confront him. Passive resistance might do the trick. So just don't give him gifts and don't attend the parties. If he phones, don't answer. If he emails then just send a short reply like 'Sorry, we are busy'. Don't answer questions.

MagicFajita · 31/07/2018 11:37

He sounds very selfish.

I'd buy him an old spice gift set and a funky pigeon card.

pigsDOfly · 31/07/2018 11:38

Well, from the sound of it OP you're on a loser here.

If your DH won't stand up to him and just goes on enabling his behaviour the situation won't change.

How afraid are you of being the 'evil' SIL? It might be worthwhile being evil just to stop him in his track and make him hear someone telling him no.

IceCreamFace · 31/07/2018 11:41

He sounds awful - why has anyone been going along with him all this time? He "suggests" extravagant gifts from you but only gives little gifts in return. What happens if you simply ignore his suggestions. Give him a cheap but thoughtful gift and a nice card. If he has the cheek to complain explain simply that you can't afford any more and after all he doesn't go overboard for your birthdays.

SuitedandBooted · 31/07/2018 11:41

This is absolutely ludicrous. How did things ever get to this state!! What right does he have to YOUR money, - why should you have to explain your finances, and justify having to spend it on your child! In the nicest way, grow a backbone, the pair of you, you're not being stingy.

How can a grown man tell you what to spend? Unless he is your landlord or employer, I really don't understand why you pander to this. What is he going to actually do? Have a strop - so what, you don't live with him, so he can crack on!

Decline, send some "special uncle" cheap gifts form your LO, and just leave it. If he complain's, just say, "Well, I thought we were doing small gifts now, you know, like the ones you send!"

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2018 11:42

He sounds like a total fucking princess, tbh.
"I want this, and I want that, and you must all do as I say or I'll be a bitch to you".

Fuck that! but yes, it is rather for your DH to pull him up on his princessy ways.

Original poster
SilentEm564 · 31/07/2018 11:44

I wish my DH could see it the way you guys do. I really don't understand why he won't stand up to him.

I suppose the famous MN mantra of "you have a DH problem" rings true.

OP posts:
SuitedandBooted · 31/07/2018 11:45

You don't have to be the "evil" SIL. Just send the small gifts, and ignore his response. You are not legally obliged to answer calls and email/texts. Read, if you want, but don't reply.

You DH needs to stop this, and grow up NOW.

ApolloandDaphne · 31/07/2018 11:46

Send him a card and tell him that now you have a child you plan to focus birthdays on them and not on the adults in the family. Wish him a lovely birthday. Sorted.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2018 11:49

And just to hammer the point home - it is YOUR DH's PROBLEM to deal with him, NOT yours. You don't have to do a single thing - let your DH send him presents, texts, whatever - HIS job, not yours.

KC225 · 31/07/2018 11:49

Would you consider showing him this thread?

Seriously, you have a baby now. Your reasons are valid. Your DH needs to dial it down.

Out of interest are there other siblings or parents? How is he still getting away with it.

MarklesMerkin · 31/07/2018 11:50

Why has no one told him to fuck off yet? I can never understand these kinds of threads where adults are behaving like spoilt brats and no one pulls them up on their behaviour yet wonders why they act the way they do ... it's because everyone enables it!

Tell him to either grow up or fuck off. Stop pandering to this man-child.

AgathaF · 31/07/2018 11:55

If you're not going to the party, will your DH actively get involved in buying the present? Because if not I think you should just get a small token something, send it, and not particularly mention it. The habit needs breaking. No drama but it just needs to stop.

If you get come back from it just say factually that your budget will not stretch to extravagance at this time.

Out of interest, did the spoilt man-child buy your little one a fabulous present?

Maelstrop · 31/07/2018 11:56

I’d text or email back at the next request, saying we’re only buying for the kids in the family, which we should all do and we are focussing our spending on the baby, so won’t be able to attend parties for adults or spend the time away from our child.

He sounds like a twat. If your dh won’t confront him, then I suggest sending requests for very extravagant gifts for yourselves and your child!

CaMePlaitPas · 31/07/2018 11:57

Your BIL sounds like an absolutely ridiculous specimen of a man. I would ignore him and move on with your lives!

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2018 11:58

Embrace being the evil SIL, jump on your broom and tell him to get fucked.

UrsulaPandress · 31/07/2018 11:58

I'm fascinated to know how guests are forced into buying drinks up to the minimum spend.

HectorlovesKiki · 31/07/2018 12:14

Why are you both pandering to this self indulgent, spoilt brat's whims?
Why is DH too afraid of a fall out with his brother? He needs a reality check. He expects a more generous present due to non attendance at his party? For God's sake, if he was a child you wouldn't indulge him, the fact he's acting like this & is an adult is simply ridiculous. Stand up to him. Conduct your life on your terms, not his.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 31/07/2018 12:17

Unless the back story involves DBIL giving DH a kidney, he is being entitled!
Your comment about last year and the long conversation suggests that you might be better not having a conversation at all. Just say you can't go, send a gift you can afford, and say nothing more about it!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 31/07/2018 12:19

Does the longer backstory involve him being the Golden Child?

Swipe left for the next trending thread